- in the name of Allah -
Where would we be without people who cared? Whether it be family or friends, or acquaintances not seen in a million years, I think the overall progression of life would be quite different were it not for timely and necessary interference from others. Static life has a way of moving on without progressing, of going forward but lacking direction. Sometimes, an external stimulus is needed, howsoever small, to bring about the next step in personal evolution.
All of that leads me into why I'm writing this right now. Since my last post, things could not have been more different. I've been at the masjid more during Ramadhan in a week than I have the past 3 or 4 Ramadhans combined. People I haven't seen, in as long a time, I've met up with again, remarking on how things have changed and who's doing what where right now. In essence, two events stand out as precursors to any of this happening. First, at a friend's wedding a month or 2 back, a friend of a couple years asked me to come play basketball at the masjid, since they played almost every evening. I took his advice. Not a week or so ago, a nephew of mine asked me if I was going to pray Tarawih at the masjid like he was. Likewise, I listened to his suggestion. The rest, as they say, is history.
In effect, I've found that growing older doesn't necessarily limit what wisdom can be learned from those younger than us. It's often the things we think we've figured out already that need re-examining, and who better to see those things than those with eyes untainted by cynicism? If I continue to learn anything, it's that our perceptions aren't always laid in stone like we think they are. Just because I *think* I know what I'm doing or where I'm going, or how I'm affecting other people, doesn't have to mean that's really what's happening. Moreso now than ever, I doubt there's ever been a better time for everyone to reflect on their lives, about the paths they are taking, the choices they are making, and finding out for certain if the priorities they have in life are worth it as they, or if they need changing.
8.31.2009
8.23.2009
- in the name of Allah -
So, it's that time of year again. Ramadhan. The time of fasting, reflection, and a general flux amongst the Muslim communities worldwide as they search for ways to, at least, become better for this month.
My mental state, however, differs markedly from that. For the past 3 or 4 years, I've observed a somewhat disturbing trend of mine - to purposefully (or rather, lacking a reason/purpose) become more detached and somewhat reclusive than normal. What brings this about? I see the changes in my family most obviously, and it bothers me tremendously that people would say and do such pious things during this month that would otherwise, in any other month, be nearly cast away as meaningless. Do I have an internal revulsion to perceived hypocrisy, or am I just bogged down in a kind of laziness that encumbers the soul so it just doesn't feel like 'doing' anything anymore? As yet, I do not know the answer to this question. The drop off from Ramadhan compared to any other month is so large...I can't help but be entirely skeptical at the fate of mankind. That isn't to say the majority of my problem lies with other people. On the contrary, there is a significant internal difference, like a grandfather clock that decidedly moves slower during a particular time, but always inexplicably. People tell me to just go to the masjid more often during this month, and I wonder why they say something so simple. As of about a month or so ago, I actually started going on a more regular basis, alh, besides just for Jumu'ah. My reasons for going varied, but after embracing an acknowledged need for progress, I decided that the status quo could not remain any longer.
But this month...the rationality behind my behaviour eludes me entirely. I cannot fathom it, while my thinking just days prior was obvious gravitation towards being and becoming more deen-oriented and attending more prayers in congregation. So, it has to be something specific to Ramadhan that brings this supposed depression about. Why would the happiest month of the Islamic calendar shade its happiness from me? Is there perhaps an internal flaw in my thinking that requires re-evaluation? Is there a misunderstanding I have about what the month should mean for me? I pray it is not that I am destined to be of those deprived of mercy specifically in Ramadhan..insha'Allah. Truly, the question is there..but how am I to find its answer?
So, it's that time of year again. Ramadhan. The time of fasting, reflection, and a general flux amongst the Muslim communities worldwide as they search for ways to, at least, become better for this month.
My mental state, however, differs markedly from that. For the past 3 or 4 years, I've observed a somewhat disturbing trend of mine - to purposefully (or rather, lacking a reason/purpose) become more detached and somewhat reclusive than normal. What brings this about? I see the changes in my family most obviously, and it bothers me tremendously that people would say and do such pious things during this month that would otherwise, in any other month, be nearly cast away as meaningless. Do I have an internal revulsion to perceived hypocrisy, or am I just bogged down in a kind of laziness that encumbers the soul so it just doesn't feel like 'doing' anything anymore? As yet, I do not know the answer to this question. The drop off from Ramadhan compared to any other month is so large...I can't help but be entirely skeptical at the fate of mankind. That isn't to say the majority of my problem lies with other people. On the contrary, there is a significant internal difference, like a grandfather clock that decidedly moves slower during a particular time, but always inexplicably. People tell me to just go to the masjid more often during this month, and I wonder why they say something so simple. As of about a month or so ago, I actually started going on a more regular basis, alh, besides just for Jumu'ah. My reasons for going varied, but after embracing an acknowledged need for progress, I decided that the status quo could not remain any longer.
But this month...the rationality behind my behaviour eludes me entirely. I cannot fathom it, while my thinking just days prior was obvious gravitation towards being and becoming more deen-oriented and attending more prayers in congregation. So, it has to be something specific to Ramadhan that brings this supposed depression about. Why would the happiest month of the Islamic calendar shade its happiness from me? Is there perhaps an internal flaw in my thinking that requires re-evaluation? Is there a misunderstanding I have about what the month should mean for me? I pray it is not that I am destined to be of those deprived of mercy specifically in Ramadhan..insha'Allah. Truly, the question is there..but how am I to find its answer?
8.08.2009
- in the name of Allah -
So, I haven't posted anything lately. Alh, it's mainly because there isn't anything really for me to put down here. All of the concerns and issues that might normally evoke a blog entry....are non-existent atm (at the moment).
Of course, it's just a circle that leads me to back to where I've always known myself to be: blessed, alh. There is nothing more important in life, or more worthy of being an ambition, than recognizing the favors and blessings Allah gives us in life. If we can't see that, we pretty much can't 'see' anything.
I still need to be married though. More on that at some point down the line, iA. I should be settled into a job within a few months [iA], after taking my sweet time post-board exam. Then, I guess I join my friends who've already walked down that road. I think I might miss being a bachelor.
So, I haven't posted anything lately. Alh, it's mainly because there isn't anything really for me to put down here. All of the concerns and issues that might normally evoke a blog entry....are non-existent atm (at the moment).
Of course, it's just a circle that leads me to back to where I've always known myself to be: blessed, alh. There is nothing more important in life, or more worthy of being an ambition, than recognizing the favors and blessings Allah gives us in life. If we can't see that, we pretty much can't 'see' anything.
I still need to be married though. More on that at some point down the line, iA. I should be settled into a job within a few months [iA], after taking my sweet time post-board exam. Then, I guess I join my friends who've already walked down that road. I think I might miss being a bachelor.
7.24.2009
- in the name of Allah -
Among various other things that occur to me at such early morning hours, I am led to ponder over the nature of wisdom and guidance. While everyone generally may believe that good actions and good intentions procure a 'better fate', there are enough exceptions (or moments of crystal clear disillusion) in life where a better and more wholesome wisdom is sought.
It could be, and doubtless has been, that some person some where would do a good deed, and then afterwords, be so impressed by what he has done that he begins to fancy himself a prince and at a higher level than those he does not see as fitting his category of religiosity. In such a case, what has this person initially pure deed done for expect increase him in misguidance?
The simple lesson we can derive from this is that we should always be wary of where misguidance can come from. Perhaps especially, being on guard after doing a good deed is something everyone should do, lest egos, pride, and exaggerated self worth start clouding the truth, with the person suddenly being led astray because he should forget where true guidance came from, and why he was doing it all in the first place.
It is a bit ironic, and counter to 'common' sense, that we could end up taking the paths often traveled from something so pure and initially innocent. It's been said that good intentions often land good people in bad places (or something like that). Lately, it seems like the guise of wisdom has appeared to me in more places and more moments than I can remember ever having happened before. Alhamdulillah for that.
On less important notes, I passed my board exam! Certified, here I come!
t_t
Among various other things that occur to me at such early morning hours, I am led to ponder over the nature of wisdom and guidance. While everyone generally may believe that good actions and good intentions procure a 'better fate', there are enough exceptions (or moments of crystal clear disillusion) in life where a better and more wholesome wisdom is sought.
It could be, and doubtless has been, that some person some where would do a good deed, and then afterwords, be so impressed by what he has done that he begins to fancy himself a prince and at a higher level than those he does not see as fitting his category of religiosity. In such a case, what has this person initially pure deed done for expect increase him in misguidance?
The simple lesson we can derive from this is that we should always be wary of where misguidance can come from. Perhaps especially, being on guard after doing a good deed is something everyone should do, lest egos, pride, and exaggerated self worth start clouding the truth, with the person suddenly being led astray because he should forget where true guidance came from, and why he was doing it all in the first place.
It is a bit ironic, and counter to 'common' sense, that we could end up taking the paths often traveled from something so pure and initially innocent. It's been said that good intentions often land good people in bad places (or something like that). Lately, it seems like the guise of wisdom has appeared to me in more places and more moments than I can remember ever having happened before. Alhamdulillah for that.
On less important notes, I passed my board exam! Certified, here I come!
t_t
6.30.2009
- in the name of Allah -
On Faith
What is faith? In and of itself, is it a need? a drug? a passion? an emotion? a trump card? a final solution? a convenience? a necessity? a catharsis? a mode of logic? What category, exactly, does our personal relationship to 'faith' fall under? How have we defined it for ourselves?
To me, in my youth, faith was a pill to swallow every night before I went to bed, to keep the bedbugs at bay and my conscience in solace. As I've aged, and I ascertain where I am in life, I am finding that now it has become a candlelight in the darkness of human cognizance. Outside of my deen, my religion, my choice, I can sense only darkness, seeping around every corner of indecision and doubt, waiting to make its way into me or those around me. So, still I hold on to the candle, waiting, for the breeze to lead and push the flame where it should go, to where I inevitably belong.
It has never been easy, even when I was blissful and ignorant in my younger years. There were many traps around me I'd only realize after I'd passed by them, amazed that I'd come so close to them at all. The path has often not been to the best of my liking, often I've questioned the grand design and purpose of it all, especially the role in it I was to play. For life we did not ask, yet life it is we are given. So what is to be done with this choice? There is only 1 path, despite the many ways in which we may want to put things. The choice is ours, to believe or not to believe. One cannot hold either choice in hand, yet avoid its responsibility. If you choose to declare that god is but one God, that His final messenger existed and that this messenger was His servant, then the only path is to submit. Desire will always persist, but it is in the battles that we can lay claim to winning, hand in hand with our superego, that we might keep the beast within at bay, and find the best and better parts of ourselves.
The naysayers and skeptics and atheists, have all given up hope. Their flaw, were I to point at just one common among them all, would be the same as Satan/Iblees/the Fallen One (literally and figuratively): they despair, and in this state, seek only to lead others into despair along with themselves. I must say that sometimes, emotion must be disregarded, for the better sake of one's self. Many times I have felt this way or that, and it would lead me to an invariably dissatisfying result. I knew it, yet I chose the easier path nonetheless. In order for the potential damage of emotion to be minimal, logic should supplant it. If I looked in many directions and did not see, for my own lack of wisdom, providence in the many things around me, in myself, then it should be a fault only of mine, not one that I should lay claim as being of my Creator's. As humans, we may 'feel' undeniably justified in how our train of thought leads to rebellion, dissent, and general disharmony...but we should also remember we are human. Upon reflection, if being human has taught us anything over the past millenia, it is that to err is human. Our fallibility should always humble our insatiable ambitions to be rulers of our own fate, and remind us that the end worth everything we can give it, is often that end which is most difficult to see. Just because there is mist and fog, does not mean the path is not there. It is only that we should wish to forever be led upon it.
On Faith
What is faith? In and of itself, is it a need? a drug? a passion? an emotion? a trump card? a final solution? a convenience? a necessity? a catharsis? a mode of logic? What category, exactly, does our personal relationship to 'faith' fall under? How have we defined it for ourselves?
To me, in my youth, faith was a pill to swallow every night before I went to bed, to keep the bedbugs at bay and my conscience in solace. As I've aged, and I ascertain where I am in life, I am finding that now it has become a candlelight in the darkness of human cognizance. Outside of my deen, my religion, my choice, I can sense only darkness, seeping around every corner of indecision and doubt, waiting to make its way into me or those around me. So, still I hold on to the candle, waiting, for the breeze to lead and push the flame where it should go, to where I inevitably belong.
It has never been easy, even when I was blissful and ignorant in my younger years. There were many traps around me I'd only realize after I'd passed by them, amazed that I'd come so close to them at all. The path has often not been to the best of my liking, often I've questioned the grand design and purpose of it all, especially the role in it I was to play. For life we did not ask, yet life it is we are given. So what is to be done with this choice? There is only 1 path, despite the many ways in which we may want to put things. The choice is ours, to believe or not to believe. One cannot hold either choice in hand, yet avoid its responsibility. If you choose to declare that god is but one God, that His final messenger existed and that this messenger was His servant, then the only path is to submit. Desire will always persist, but it is in the battles that we can lay claim to winning, hand in hand with our superego, that we might keep the beast within at bay, and find the best and better parts of ourselves.
The naysayers and skeptics and atheists, have all given up hope. Their flaw, were I to point at just one common among them all, would be the same as Satan/Iblees/the Fallen One (literally and figuratively): they despair, and in this state, seek only to lead others into despair along with themselves. I must say that sometimes, emotion must be disregarded, for the better sake of one's self. Many times I have felt this way or that, and it would lead me to an invariably dissatisfying result. I knew it, yet I chose the easier path nonetheless. In order for the potential damage of emotion to be minimal, logic should supplant it. If I looked in many directions and did not see, for my own lack of wisdom, providence in the many things around me, in myself, then it should be a fault only of mine, not one that I should lay claim as being of my Creator's. As humans, we may 'feel' undeniably justified in how our train of thought leads to rebellion, dissent, and general disharmony...but we should also remember we are human. Upon reflection, if being human has taught us anything over the past millenia, it is that to err is human. Our fallibility should always humble our insatiable ambitions to be rulers of our own fate, and remind us that the end worth everything we can give it, is often that end which is most difficult to see. Just because there is mist and fog, does not mean the path is not there. It is only that we should wish to forever be led upon it.
6.12.2009
- in the name of Allah -
It's been so long since I've truly put pen to paper or key to screen, I'm led to wonder if those literary genes are even expressed any longer or if I've just forgotten what writing means. Layers upon layers of unremembered dreams, woven in subconscious trickles, soon to be erased by 'goals' and 'ambitions' covertly fickle. Don't mind me while I mind my inability to scream, to pout, to get everything inside of me justifiably out. There are better plays to see, better forms of entertainment to find, than un-felt emotions finally catching up on the times.
.. unfinished ..
It's been so long since I've truly put pen to paper or key to screen, I'm led to wonder if those literary genes are even expressed any longer or if I've just forgotten what writing means. Layers upon layers of unremembered dreams, woven in subconscious trickles, soon to be erased by 'goals' and 'ambitions' covertly fickle. Don't mind me while I mind my inability to scream, to pout, to get everything inside of me justifiably out. There are better plays to see, better forms of entertainment to find, than un-felt emotions finally catching up on the times.
.. unfinished ..
6.07.2009
- in the name of Allah -
I dislike reconstruction. You might assume that such a phase could only occur after a previously whole object was somehow broken, or had lost some piece of itself. But, that isn't always the case. Sometimes, a house just needs an addition, like a 2nd wing, another bedroom, or maybe another bath. If the case is the latter, then why is it so confounding? I'd already (or so I think) plotted everything of my life there was to plot, so why do these unknown spaces emerge? How long can someone continue to define themselves, in old ways or new? Existential crises seem so cliche, a pattern so old...yet one without any immediately obvious answers. Some things I have found, like the spirituality/faith I (will) need in life, the importance of family, the fluctuating nature of friends, and other common, easily-identifiable traits of being human. But there are one or two things that mystify me so much that I wonder sometimes who it is I see in the mirror.
I dislike reconstruction. You might assume that such a phase could only occur after a previously whole object was somehow broken, or had lost some piece of itself. But, that isn't always the case. Sometimes, a house just needs an addition, like a 2nd wing, another bedroom, or maybe another bath. If the case is the latter, then why is it so confounding? I'd already (or so I think) plotted everything of my life there was to plot, so why do these unknown spaces emerge? How long can someone continue to define themselves, in old ways or new? Existential crises seem so cliche, a pattern so old...yet one without any immediately obvious answers. Some things I have found, like the spirituality/faith I (will) need in life, the importance of family, the fluctuating nature of friends, and other common, easily-identifiable traits of being human. But there are one or two things that mystify me so much that I wonder sometimes who it is I see in the mirror.
5.21.2009
- in the name of Allah -
Coming across this quote...
"Small wonder that [he] advises us to look forward, not backward - a convenient doctrine for those who hold the clubs. Those who are beaten by them tend to see the world differently, much to our annoyance." - atimes.com
...I am led to wonder: how long will the charade of Western imperialism disguised as "democracy" and "humanitarian intervention" continue? I guess one of the only ways people can emerge from all the dust and ashes to learn the truth is simply to read about it.
Coming across this quote...
"Small wonder that [he] advises us to look forward, not backward - a convenient doctrine for those who hold the clubs. Those who are beaten by them tend to see the world differently, much to our annoyance." - atimes.com
...I am led to wonder: how long will the charade of Western imperialism disguised as "democracy" and "humanitarian intervention" continue? I guess one of the only ways people can emerge from all the dust and ashes to learn the truth is simply to read about it.
4.27.2009
- in the name of Allah -
One of the biggest issues with making long journeys is not being worn down by them. Depending on how long it is, however, such a state might be unavoidable. This is where I find myself. Life, as the consummately worthy journey, fails to hold the same blaze of yearning for me that it once did. What goals are there to have that will not erode in time, that will pass the test of history while we are still alive? My single footprint on humanity is so small, I have affected so few, that I should think my purpose little more than to live out the rest of my days. I do not wish to lead, per se, nor do I wish to be a blind follower. However, the roads for the one seeking the in-between are few, if any. I have lost or am losing my passion, for wanting, for having, for needing..that which compels humanity forward, gives it purpose it can taste in the air and reason as fire to send the senses alight. My idealism hasn't existed for years now, but its shell now seems to have been felled in whole. How shall I find again the spark, that drove me once, and without which I feel I shall forever static remain?
One of the biggest issues with making long journeys is not being worn down by them. Depending on how long it is, however, such a state might be unavoidable. This is where I find myself. Life, as the consummately worthy journey, fails to hold the same blaze of yearning for me that it once did. What goals are there to have that will not erode in time, that will pass the test of history while we are still alive? My single footprint on humanity is so small, I have affected so few, that I should think my purpose little more than to live out the rest of my days. I do not wish to lead, per se, nor do I wish to be a blind follower. However, the roads for the one seeking the in-between are few, if any. I have lost or am losing my passion, for wanting, for having, for needing..that which compels humanity forward, gives it purpose it can taste in the air and reason as fire to send the senses alight. My idealism hasn't existed for years now, but its shell now seems to have been felled in whole. How shall I find again the spark, that drove me once, and without which I feel I shall forever static remain?
4.10.2009
- in the name of Allah -
how empty are lives full of only echoes? times gone by and history books written ages ago, left no records of the soul that might teach one how to grow. stagnation is the beck and call of my day, forever listless, while thunderous ambitions of air reach for stars seemingly no longer there. there is no road behind me, but no path ahead; I could forge it as I go, but would that be enough for me instead? as life goes on, or its semblance thereof, I wonder if its worth it all: the journey, the end, the toil, the shackles of ourselves. I reach amongst the phantoms, seeking substance to fill a void; of course the impossibilities stare back at me, amazed at how insane I seem. I 'know' the answers, I have 'heard' of remedies, but are these tales enough to solve the issue that is me?
- unfinished -
how empty are lives full of only echoes? times gone by and history books written ages ago, left no records of the soul that might teach one how to grow. stagnation is the beck and call of my day, forever listless, while thunderous ambitions of air reach for stars seemingly no longer there. there is no road behind me, but no path ahead; I could forge it as I go, but would that be enough for me instead? as life goes on, or its semblance thereof, I wonder if its worth it all: the journey, the end, the toil, the shackles of ourselves. I reach amongst the phantoms, seeking substance to fill a void; of course the impossibilities stare back at me, amazed at how insane I seem. I 'know' the answers, I have 'heard' of remedies, but are these tales enough to solve the issue that is me?
- unfinished -
3.10.2009
- in the name of Allah -
Human evolution takes so long sometimes. We emerge from our first cocoons susceptible to everything until we become perceptive to nothing. Then, we learn to wander the hills and valleys, looking for a mate and so settle on the nearest branch. More young are born, the elders pass away, and so the least knowledgeable become the inheritors of the earth.
We were supposed to have learned from the "barbarism" of past ages, from the "ignorance" of the past, and forge a better future. But the only thing that has changed are the chains that bind us, whether to material comfort or logically-challenged belief. Will this life be an eternal bind for as long as we live it? Will never the shroud lift from our eyes so that we may see past the shadows cast by our own egos, the suspicions formed in our own insecurities? Sometimes, I am a prisoner to more than just my own fancy, I am a prisoner to a 'system', a 'system' not bound by society or projected morality, but a 'system' that is carried in the very genes of the human construct. Our passion for life, our vivacity, our need to be more than what we are and reach beyond what is in our arm's grasp, our hope that wings of wax will sustain us until we reach the highest heaven..is perhaps the greatest burden humanity will ever bear. I want, yet I do not need, moreover I am not yet wholly capable, but still the insistence presses forward, towards a blissful cliff or a painstaking wall only the road ahead will tell..
Human evolution takes so long sometimes. We emerge from our first cocoons susceptible to everything until we become perceptive to nothing. Then, we learn to wander the hills and valleys, looking for a mate and so settle on the nearest branch. More young are born, the elders pass away, and so the least knowledgeable become the inheritors of the earth.
We were supposed to have learned from the "barbarism" of past ages, from the "ignorance" of the past, and forge a better future. But the only thing that has changed are the chains that bind us, whether to material comfort or logically-challenged belief. Will this life be an eternal bind for as long as we live it? Will never the shroud lift from our eyes so that we may see past the shadows cast by our own egos, the suspicions formed in our own insecurities? Sometimes, I am a prisoner to more than just my own fancy, I am a prisoner to a 'system', a 'system' not bound by society or projected morality, but a 'system' that is carried in the very genes of the human construct. Our passion for life, our vivacity, our need to be more than what we are and reach beyond what is in our arm's grasp, our hope that wings of wax will sustain us until we reach the highest heaven..is perhaps the greatest burden humanity will ever bear. I want, yet I do not need, moreover I am not yet wholly capable, but still the insistence presses forward, towards a blissful cliff or a painstaking wall only the road ahead will tell..
2.27.2009
- in the name of Allah -
Minutes before I prepare for Jumu'ah, I am reminded of a few things. Mainly random thoughts, but I suspect there is some general cohesion underlying them. First, humanity's roots as social beings. We have to connect, feel the link of connection, expression, contribution, internal and external clarity, for ourselves and those around us. Sadly, these connections bring us both "good" and "bad", hope and sorrow, information and propaganda, truth and deceit, superficiality and depth, closeness and distance, and the list goes on. The best we can do is try to filter what we absorb from others, to take the most worthwhile of what they have to offer, and to leave off their less desirable traits. Such is the nature of dealing with and being one of everyone. Second, the many ways in which I have been blessed by Allah, not only to have believed and still try for believing, but for being able to see past the obvious into the layer of understanding where non-egotistical genius and heightened awareness lie. Moments of clarity in life are few and far in between, so the most must be made of them while we have them. One must know that nothing is without purpose, especially one's own self. Just because we may not have the awareness of it yet, does not mean that we should give in to our lesser parts and follow in an aimless fashion our self-created designs of entropy. Every part of us is relevant, but learning to prioritize and visualize a grand scope of something is far greater in relevance.
- alas, such obtuse and relatively grandiose notions... -
~~~
crystal balls and gazing stars, constellations and planets from years afar, such tiny beings with great ambition, fit for kings but killed by malnutrition. we look farther than the eye can see, yet to our selves are blind, counting molecules on Venus, unaware that a neighbor's died. shackled by egos, fettered by preconceptions, we delude and prejudge, until all that's left is our own deception. rising, to what point? flying, to which heaven? our trait of wanting more, masquerades as need, hiding in plain sight, without cloak or dagger, until we're buried underneath. how many warnings can we ignore, before the dam breaks open, and fire becomes our only friend, our only abode? if the law in physics holds true, that any action has its equal opposition, then where will we stand, if all we offer is our own condition?
[on the human condition]
Minutes before I prepare for Jumu'ah, I am reminded of a few things. Mainly random thoughts, but I suspect there is some general cohesion underlying them. First, humanity's roots as social beings. We have to connect, feel the link of connection, expression, contribution, internal and external clarity, for ourselves and those around us. Sadly, these connections bring us both "good" and "bad", hope and sorrow, information and propaganda, truth and deceit, superficiality and depth, closeness and distance, and the list goes on. The best we can do is try to filter what we absorb from others, to take the most worthwhile of what they have to offer, and to leave off their less desirable traits. Such is the nature of dealing with and being one of everyone. Second, the many ways in which I have been blessed by Allah, not only to have believed and still try for believing, but for being able to see past the obvious into the layer of understanding where non-egotistical genius and heightened awareness lie. Moments of clarity in life are few and far in between, so the most must be made of them while we have them. One must know that nothing is without purpose, especially one's own self. Just because we may not have the awareness of it yet, does not mean that we should give in to our lesser parts and follow in an aimless fashion our self-created designs of entropy. Every part of us is relevant, but learning to prioritize and visualize a grand scope of something is far greater in relevance.
- alas, such obtuse and relatively grandiose notions... -
~~~
crystal balls and gazing stars, constellations and planets from years afar, such tiny beings with great ambition, fit for kings but killed by malnutrition. we look farther than the eye can see, yet to our selves are blind, counting molecules on Venus, unaware that a neighbor's died. shackled by egos, fettered by preconceptions, we delude and prejudge, until all that's left is our own deception. rising, to what point? flying, to which heaven? our trait of wanting more, masquerades as need, hiding in plain sight, without cloak or dagger, until we're buried underneath. how many warnings can we ignore, before the dam breaks open, and fire becomes our only friend, our only abode? if the law in physics holds true, that any action has its equal opposition, then where will we stand, if all we offer is our own condition?
[on the human condition]
2.20.2009
- in the name of Allah -
The purpose of this blog sometimes eludes me. Alh, I am no longer in quite the state of ideological flux that had prepossessed me in years past. I have found a certain foothold, a keen sense of knowing, of who I am, what my purpose is, how to exist. The only question that has remained unanswered, is precisely where am I going? I know most of what I seek does not hold water in this plane, an afterlife long awaited. So it should not be a surprise then to find this plane so burdensome, so full of literal and metaphorical heaviness. It is near impossible to be light-hearted for a long period of time without suffering in some way, either by losing scope and perspective of life, or the abuse and mockery of the less-enlightened. Either the body or mind remain heavily laden with some tiredness, somehow or another. There is just so little in life designed to truly be uplifting, inspiring. That is perhaps why I have developed a recent kinship with prayer, especially as of late. Sometimes, when we do not find the answers we are looking for in the course of a day, a good night's sleep preceded by the nightly prayer is exactly what the doctor ordered.
The purpose of this blog sometimes eludes me. Alh, I am no longer in quite the state of ideological flux that had prepossessed me in years past. I have found a certain foothold, a keen sense of knowing, of who I am, what my purpose is, how to exist. The only question that has remained unanswered, is precisely where am I going? I know most of what I seek does not hold water in this plane, an afterlife long awaited. So it should not be a surprise then to find this plane so burdensome, so full of literal and metaphorical heaviness. It is near impossible to be light-hearted for a long period of time without suffering in some way, either by losing scope and perspective of life, or the abuse and mockery of the less-enlightened. Either the body or mind remain heavily laden with some tiredness, somehow or another. There is just so little in life designed to truly be uplifting, inspiring. That is perhaps why I have developed a recent kinship with prayer, especially as of late. Sometimes, when we do not find the answers we are looking for in the course of a day, a good night's sleep preceded by the nightly prayer is exactly what the doctor ordered.
2.08.2009
- in the name of Allah -
The spring semester has begun. New challenges loom on the horizon, 12-hour shifts, cranky mentors, and long hours of listlessness. Right along with that come possibilities, ideas, potential realities floating about as if they were wisps of air. Being human, I find myself terribly shortsighted when it comes to knowing the 'ultimate' good or bad in any endeavor. I may begin it with the best of intentions, but where it will lead or what it will 'ultimately' mean for me is anyone's guess. That may be why it seems as if the paths that open in front of me now hold less of a foreboding. I was not the one to open them, merely one to allow their possibility to mentally exist.
Sometimes, words just fail. They can't tell of the sort of internal...peace...that can be felt at times, when one's purpose and action begin to align. Once we stop running from who we are and what we're made for, everything just falls into perspective. It may be that our notions of honor and justice are lacking, that to truly begin to encompass them, we have to reach a higher state, where we can acknowledge what really matters and what is just another headline in the paper.
Somewhat random thoughts, for a somewhat random time..
The spring semester has begun. New challenges loom on the horizon, 12-hour shifts, cranky mentors, and long hours of listlessness. Right along with that come possibilities, ideas, potential realities floating about as if they were wisps of air. Being human, I find myself terribly shortsighted when it comes to knowing the 'ultimate' good or bad in any endeavor. I may begin it with the best of intentions, but where it will lead or what it will 'ultimately' mean for me is anyone's guess. That may be why it seems as if the paths that open in front of me now hold less of a foreboding. I was not the one to open them, merely one to allow their possibility to mentally exist.
Sometimes, words just fail. They can't tell of the sort of internal...peace...that can be felt at times, when one's purpose and action begin to align. Once we stop running from who we are and what we're made for, everything just falls into perspective. It may be that our notions of honor and justice are lacking, that to truly begin to encompass them, we have to reach a higher state, where we can acknowledge what really matters and what is just another headline in the paper.
Somewhat random thoughts, for a somewhat random time..
1.20.2009
- in the name of Allah -
At times, the greatest obstacle to progress is one's own self. The hardest fight to overcome is a wall that is self-created, a barrier to fresh ideas, action, and acceptance that change is sometimes necessary.
In the course of life, the most important thing one can do to overcome these obstacles is to reflect on everything, upon life, upon death, upon the course of one's life from the earliest days of recollection. What has my purpose been? For what have I been known? What kind of person do I truly wish to be? At times, voices inside your head (sometimes known as the Shaitaan, the Devil) will remind you of the allure of darkness. How inviting it is to keep only one's ego and id as rulers to dethrone the superego from ever raising its voice, to negate conscience and guilt, to become whatever we want to become whenever we want to become simply to find another source of pleasure or another way to avoid pain. However, life is all about dealing/coping with not enough happiness and being dosed with apparently unbearable pain/sadness. The best of us are those who remember that all of this does serve a purpose, it is not all in vain, and one day, everything will be accounted for, and we will find our recompense in line with our deeds.
At times, the greatest obstacle to progress is one's own self. The hardest fight to overcome is a wall that is self-created, a barrier to fresh ideas, action, and acceptance that change is sometimes necessary.
In the course of life, the most important thing one can do to overcome these obstacles is to reflect on everything, upon life, upon death, upon the course of one's life from the earliest days of recollection. What has my purpose been? For what have I been known? What kind of person do I truly wish to be? At times, voices inside your head (sometimes known as the Shaitaan, the Devil) will remind you of the allure of darkness. How inviting it is to keep only one's ego and id as rulers to dethrone the superego from ever raising its voice, to negate conscience and guilt, to become whatever we want to become whenever we want to become simply to find another source of pleasure or another way to avoid pain. However, life is all about dealing/coping with not enough happiness and being dosed with apparently unbearable pain/sadness. The best of us are those who remember that all of this does serve a purpose, it is not all in vain, and one day, everything will be accounted for, and we will find our recompense in line with our deeds.
1.14.2009
- in the name of Allah -
(written a day earlier, finished a day later)
Paler shades of nameless skies had never quite seen such a setting yellow, a premature fade of gray one would have to see to call himself a witness. meaning always reached, always pleaded for a perch of highest rank, unfortunate it is that life is not automatized, where each and every time may simply fall in line, similar old tunes of ancient songs; alas, their bards are dead, their prayers mute, as they themselves slashed their vocal cords, and thus a lasting peace ensued. what lessons their folly carried, latter generations shall scarcely know much less heed, wisdom of then always forgotten, bygone advice for bygone creeds. so where is my personal piece, my very own wedge of the pie, wherein this tumult of words comes full circle, where material phantoms with dilemmas collide? my eyes have never been closed, as I've always seen the shutters and doors, hiding fallacies of mine and those I've known, but as I catch a glimmer deeper, a glance toward the soul, whether foreign or my own, the truth turns away, a search once again gone cold. rather than 'act', I've pursued the philosophizing, a slight escape, excuse just in case my decision-making might be found lacking. I wonder if it is in deed a fear of loss, that like most, could drive me to a stilling stance, etched in a moment's time...
...though all around the world keeps moving, my self the stillest of them all, drunk upon a potion of want painfully undilute..
(written a day earlier, finished a day later)
Paler shades of nameless skies had never quite seen such a setting yellow, a premature fade of gray one would have to see to call himself a witness. meaning always reached, always pleaded for a perch of highest rank, unfortunate it is that life is not automatized, where each and every time may simply fall in line, similar old tunes of ancient songs; alas, their bards are dead, their prayers mute, as they themselves slashed their vocal cords, and thus a lasting peace ensued. what lessons their folly carried, latter generations shall scarcely know much less heed, wisdom of then always forgotten, bygone advice for bygone creeds. so where is my personal piece, my very own wedge of the pie, wherein this tumult of words comes full circle, where material phantoms with dilemmas collide? my eyes have never been closed, as I've always seen the shutters and doors, hiding fallacies of mine and those I've known, but as I catch a glimmer deeper, a glance toward the soul, whether foreign or my own, the truth turns away, a search once again gone cold. rather than 'act', I've pursued the philosophizing, a slight escape, excuse just in case my decision-making might be found lacking. I wonder if it is in deed a fear of loss, that like most, could drive me to a stilling stance, etched in a moment's time...
...though all around the world keeps moving, my self the stillest of them all, drunk upon a potion of want painfully undilute..
12.28.2008
- in the name of Allah -
Just a few more days until 2008 comes to a close. What a year it's been, like others before it, telling of great self-revelations, where I learn who I truly am, with a touch more of sarcastic irony coating the magic pill of inevitability. To this day, though I know parts of my potential, parts of my strengths and weaknesses, what I love and do not love, I miss still my purpose in the grand scheme of things. I am a mortal that bleeds upon being cut, that cries (or comes close to it) upon losing what is dear, one who sees a path but does not know what it is nor how to follow it. I can reflect on my past posts and see the emotions of the moment, the rights and wrongs frivolously thrown here and there like they were supposed to 'be' and so they 'were'. Every other minute tells me of what I've missed, of my inadequacy in fulfilling that time with something productive, of being unable to fill the vacuum that is a human mind with something, anything, just so one may think a little less, question a few times fewer. Each year it seems like I have approached and taken the jump off another peak in the sine wave of human growth, but where does the next jump land me? Higher or lower than the wave before it? Is my slope nothing or something, defined or infinite? As I get older, the gap between what I have and what I need to maintain a life(style) befitting of a Muslim, gets only larger. I see mistakes, like I have before, but still I cannot always bring myself to care. Still, a piece is missing, a piece I have thought of as imaan/faith, but that comes and goes. So what is it that I am truly seeking? What is it that I have sought all this time, the sum of everything before that time has/will lead me to?
Just a few more days until 2008 comes to a close. What a year it's been, like others before it, telling of great self-revelations, where I learn who I truly am, with a touch more of sarcastic irony coating the magic pill of inevitability. To this day, though I know parts of my potential, parts of my strengths and weaknesses, what I love and do not love, I miss still my purpose in the grand scheme of things. I am a mortal that bleeds upon being cut, that cries (or comes close to it) upon losing what is dear, one who sees a path but does not know what it is nor how to follow it. I can reflect on my past posts and see the emotions of the moment, the rights and wrongs frivolously thrown here and there like they were supposed to 'be' and so they 'were'. Every other minute tells me of what I've missed, of my inadequacy in fulfilling that time with something productive, of being unable to fill the vacuum that is a human mind with something, anything, just so one may think a little less, question a few times fewer. Each year it seems like I have approached and taken the jump off another peak in the sine wave of human growth, but where does the next jump land me? Higher or lower than the wave before it? Is my slope nothing or something, defined or infinite? As I get older, the gap between what I have and what I need to maintain a life(style) befitting of a Muslim, gets only larger. I see mistakes, like I have before, but still I cannot always bring myself to care. Still, a piece is missing, a piece I have thought of as imaan/faith, but that comes and goes. So what is it that I am truly seeking? What is it that I have sought all this time, the sum of everything before that time has/will lead me to?
12.11.2008
- in the name of Allah -
Ah, the contemplations of life. How they vary from time to time and place to place. Aside from the typical blargage that is academia and finals, I've actually had a few thoughts of dissimilitude.
Sun and Moon
...asking the most popular puppets of the day, they'd choose to be Suns shining brightly, with staffs in hand to whip and command, throw wealth and influence around and show off their control over the land. but ask me, and I might choose to be a Moon, not quite as brightly blinding or self-sustaining in visual glamour, but quietly echoing a sense of serenity while emanating a glow both dependent on and farthest from the Sun's vanity. Suns and Moons might be compared as Fire and Ice, and though that debate could earnestly last forever into nothing, I'd personally rather choose moonlit Ice, farthest from the action but plenty close to knowing the meaning of its own existence. Though one rises to enable sight and civilization's bustle, the one that falls to guide wary travelers in the darkness that is night appeals more fully to one of evident contradiction, seeking both humanity and its isolation, both companionship and solitary contemplation, onwardly going without solute or solvent to a solution of sheer inward gravitation. why I come less to the land of words, either written or typed, in anyone's guess, wandering or wondering still I assume, a role more attuned to things assured and concretely groomed. how does a Moon pick up its scattered light in a desert when all the canopies have been stripped away of their green, now only gray and yellow, a sign of negligence and decay? I need mirrors, reflections deep and illuminating, true and reverberating, not in myself, but in another or others, without fear of destiny's hand always hovering. a touch of truth, of a nature genuine, of a brush in hand, of a painter's ploy or plea to sanity, to draw an answer human to all the questions plaguing me..
Ah, the contemplations of life. How they vary from time to time and place to place. Aside from the typical blargage that is academia and finals, I've actually had a few thoughts of dissimilitude.
Sun and Moon
...asking the most popular puppets of the day, they'd choose to be Suns shining brightly, with staffs in hand to whip and command, throw wealth and influence around and show off their control over the land. but ask me, and I might choose to be a Moon, not quite as brightly blinding or self-sustaining in visual glamour, but quietly echoing a sense of serenity while emanating a glow both dependent on and farthest from the Sun's vanity. Suns and Moons might be compared as Fire and Ice, and though that debate could earnestly last forever into nothing, I'd personally rather choose moonlit Ice, farthest from the action but plenty close to knowing the meaning of its own existence. Though one rises to enable sight and civilization's bustle, the one that falls to guide wary travelers in the darkness that is night appeals more fully to one of evident contradiction, seeking both humanity and its isolation, both companionship and solitary contemplation, onwardly going without solute or solvent to a solution of sheer inward gravitation. why I come less to the land of words, either written or typed, in anyone's guess, wandering or wondering still I assume, a role more attuned to things assured and concretely groomed. how does a Moon pick up its scattered light in a desert when all the canopies have been stripped away of their green, now only gray and yellow, a sign of negligence and decay? I need mirrors, reflections deep and illuminating, true and reverberating, not in myself, but in another or others, without fear of destiny's hand always hovering. a touch of truth, of a nature genuine, of a brush in hand, of a painter's ploy or plea to sanity, to draw an answer human to all the questions plaguing me..
11.26.2008
- in the name of Allah -
Wow, almost 3 weeks since my last post. I seem to be getting into an older framework of posting. Not bad I guess. On a brighter front, I have the next few days off. What is there left to write here that hasn't already met its solution in the real non-digital world? Not much I imagine. It's been impressed upon me that I need to be married. Duh, this notion's been true for a while now. Too bad there simply isn't a large variety of people to choose from. What I need is like a scripted scene from a movie, where a million apparently inconsequential events fall in place...and poof I see the girl of my dreams. How often do movies play out in people's lives like that? o_O
Not often I think. But, being as odd and different as I am, I guess I've beaten the odds (ha ha pun) once already, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to see a train of happenings along those lines..
mmm, I think I'll go watch some mov's.
Wow, almost 3 weeks since my last post. I seem to be getting into an older framework of posting. Not bad I guess. On a brighter front, I have the next few days off. What is there left to write here that hasn't already met its solution in the real non-digital world? Not much I imagine. It's been impressed upon me that I need to be married. Duh, this notion's been true for a while now. Too bad there simply isn't a large variety of people to choose from. What I need is like a scripted scene from a movie, where a million apparently inconsequential events fall in place...and poof I see the girl of my dreams. How often do movies play out in people's lives like that? o_O
Not often I think. But, being as odd and different as I am, I guess I've beaten the odds (ha ha pun) once already, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to see a train of happenings along those lines..
mmm, I think I'll go watch some mov's.
11.06.2008
- in the name of Allah -
This past Tuesday was one of the most fateful and significant days in American history. Besides being a day of many different firsts, it held symbolism for a new and hopeful restoration/improvement of policies and quality of living. No, we do not know what our destiny is, where we will meet our end or even from where we may derive sustenance. But, that does not stop the current of eventuality from taking us in and showing us what we did not know or could not suspect.
Among more personal and closer-to-home matters, a few recent events remind me of the binding similarity between my recent and prior experiences. It is not that life is a circle, per se, inevitably coming back to the same conundrum or falling back into the same loop one may have known before. Life is, as a friend once put it, quite linear. That we can experience deja vu is simply a testament to how well we internalize past events into our being and pick up on the nuances of what they mean for us. To summarize a case in point, I knew, in a scenario not 2 months old, that age might matter, that being a college freshman was a reason unto itself to indicate a high probability of drastic, random, unpredictable change. I gave the idea a chance, and it broke a few preconceptions of mine, reminding me that people alike can exist, perhaps as strange and unique as myself. This is reason enough to continue searching, keeping the books open, heart and mind gazing incessantly skyward to the only place I ever thought I belonged.
This past Tuesday was one of the most fateful and significant days in American history. Besides being a day of many different firsts, it held symbolism for a new and hopeful restoration/improvement of policies and quality of living. No, we do not know what our destiny is, where we will meet our end or even from where we may derive sustenance. But, that does not stop the current of eventuality from taking us in and showing us what we did not know or could not suspect.
Among more personal and closer-to-home matters, a few recent events remind me of the binding similarity between my recent and prior experiences. It is not that life is a circle, per se, inevitably coming back to the same conundrum or falling back into the same loop one may have known before. Life is, as a friend once put it, quite linear. That we can experience deja vu is simply a testament to how well we internalize past events into our being and pick up on the nuances of what they mean for us. To summarize a case in point, I knew, in a scenario not 2 months old, that age might matter, that being a college freshman was a reason unto itself to indicate a high probability of drastic, random, unpredictable change. I gave the idea a chance, and it broke a few preconceptions of mine, reminding me that people alike can exist, perhaps as strange and unique as myself. This is reason enough to continue searching, keeping the books open, heart and mind gazing incessantly skyward to the only place I ever thought I belonged.
10.30.2008
- in the name of Allah -
I haven't written so 'frequently' in a very long time, more than I can remember. Why am I back here again? Well, I don't really know. Fate has granted me yet another twist in what is already perhaps one of the strangest novels of truth ever pre-written.
It isn't as if I had concocted hope from a kettle of remote possibility, but it was merely the aroma of of 'maybe', the links of commonality that created more intrigue than need for caution. It was nice to have. Where is it now? I'm not sure, but I am not far from where I began. My gut experiences a twinge of sorrow, an upheaval of infinitesimal dismay that over time I've come to regard as reality's herald. For one such as me, a nomad trying to find his way in life, there are few roads made of concrete, most are paved with dreams. It is, perhaps simply, not my in destiny to follow each and every dream that graces my conscience, but that may be wherein the beauty lies: I can know of a thing, become familiar with its core, and ultimately find a medium of laissez faire where it is better to see than to touch.
I am not fated to have (for now) that which may reach my soul so easily, that which moves me as Allah's will moves mountains - as easily as dust blown by wind. Many fronts and angles and directions appear to me, each wanting its own private audience; on one hand is rebellious defiance, preaching its discourse of near anarchy from every constraining fiber of my being; on another hand is a temperate breeze, who nods in wisdom at the coming of such an event and knows that the only path to take is the one that goes forward with self-moderation; and there are other hands, some of Satan, some of angelic origin, that propel me this way or that. But like all nomads, I have only to keep with the wind as it sails, away from one typhoon into the arms of another.
I haven't written so 'frequently' in a very long time, more than I can remember. Why am I back here again? Well, I don't really know. Fate has granted me yet another twist in what is already perhaps one of the strangest novels of truth ever pre-written.
It isn't as if I had concocted hope from a kettle of remote possibility, but it was merely the aroma of of 'maybe', the links of commonality that created more intrigue than need for caution. It was nice to have. Where is it now? I'm not sure, but I am not far from where I began. My gut experiences a twinge of sorrow, an upheaval of infinitesimal dismay that over time I've come to regard as reality's herald. For one such as me, a nomad trying to find his way in life, there are few roads made of concrete, most are paved with dreams. It is, perhaps simply, not my in destiny to follow each and every dream that graces my conscience, but that may be wherein the beauty lies: I can know of a thing, become familiar with its core, and ultimately find a medium of laissez faire where it is better to see than to touch.
I am not fated to have (for now) that which may reach my soul so easily, that which moves me as Allah's will moves mountains - as easily as dust blown by wind. Many fronts and angles and directions appear to me, each wanting its own private audience; on one hand is rebellious defiance, preaching its discourse of near anarchy from every constraining fiber of my being; on another hand is a temperate breeze, who nods in wisdom at the coming of such an event and knows that the only path to take is the one that goes forward with self-moderation; and there are other hands, some of Satan, some of angelic origin, that propel me this way or that. But like all nomads, I have only to keep with the wind as it sails, away from one typhoon into the arms of another.
10.29.2008
- in the name of Allah -
my being, my trail
if I think therefore I am, then if I think often, do I become more than what I was before? if my mass remains unchanged, and the chemical reactions balanced, how does my neural net defy the laws of matter, and lead to growth when nothing else has lessened? in this galaxy of ours are planets diversified, each of different composition, each of different lives. how would a comet find a direction in which to lean? would it be simply an issue of gravitating to the largest sphere, or would it try to choose another path, with an end not so clear? would it follow the path of most comets, and find its fate in fiery sun? perhaps a road might open, using its momentum, to carry it past the paths dull and ineffective, a refreshing take on an age-old question. I wonder of the trail that comet might leave, if it would tell the tale of an icy haven found, or an oven's sickly warm reprieve..
my being, my trail
if I think therefore I am, then if I think often, do I become more than what I was before? if my mass remains unchanged, and the chemical reactions balanced, how does my neural net defy the laws of matter, and lead to growth when nothing else has lessened? in this galaxy of ours are planets diversified, each of different composition, each of different lives. how would a comet find a direction in which to lean? would it be simply an issue of gravitating to the largest sphere, or would it try to choose another path, with an end not so clear? would it follow the path of most comets, and find its fate in fiery sun? perhaps a road might open, using its momentum, to carry it past the paths dull and ineffective, a refreshing take on an age-old question. I wonder of the trail that comet might leave, if it would tell the tale of an icy haven found, or an oven's sickly warm reprieve..
10.25.2008
- in the name of Allah -
Time is one of the most treasured resources we have. It flies by without being noticed, but never does it complain that we never held it in good company or overlooked it while we 'lived' life away in blissful merriment. It watches and marches forward in silence during the moments we think have achieved nirvana...but still we have the very same obstacles as yesterday, our own selves. While our attention is so diverted to our own egos, time does not gripe about how we have not given it its due, it does not whine or resist when we bend its use into something less than pure or less than noble. So why do we take so little care of it? Why is it like the blue background of the sky on a sunny day, when we forget to stop and notice how serene the moment is?
People are inherently tumultuous. Even if they believe they have found their logical or moral banner under which to champion their colors, chaos is but a step outside those precious boundaries. What of it? If we cannot find our own boundaries for ourselves, if we cannot bridge the seams between our hopes and our daily lives, then the framework of who we are is bound to collapse some day.
Insanity is probably more common than statistics let on, as the underside of society has a multitude of outlets designed simply so that people may forget their problems and continue to exist despite the fact their lives has lost any meaning. I doubt that a drunken stupor really holds much place for dreams, and without that expression, just how much can be felt or seen that isn't as we would have it be?
Time is one of the most treasured resources we have. It flies by without being noticed, but never does it complain that we never held it in good company or overlooked it while we 'lived' life away in blissful merriment. It watches and marches forward in silence during the moments we think have achieved nirvana...but still we have the very same obstacles as yesterday, our own selves. While our attention is so diverted to our own egos, time does not gripe about how we have not given it its due, it does not whine or resist when we bend its use into something less than pure or less than noble. So why do we take so little care of it? Why is it like the blue background of the sky on a sunny day, when we forget to stop and notice how serene the moment is?
People are inherently tumultuous. Even if they believe they have found their logical or moral banner under which to champion their colors, chaos is but a step outside those precious boundaries. What of it? If we cannot find our own boundaries for ourselves, if we cannot bridge the seams between our hopes and our daily lives, then the framework of who we are is bound to collapse some day.
Insanity is probably more common than statistics let on, as the underside of society has a multitude of outlets designed simply so that people may forget their problems and continue to exist despite the fact their lives has lost any meaning. I doubt that a drunken stupor really holds much place for dreams, and without that expression, just how much can be felt or seen that isn't as we would have it be?
10.18.2008
- in the name of Allah -
Are we always destined to make the same mistakes over and over? Is life truly the circular path that we end up back again where we thought we started it all in the first place? I know, rhetorical questions don't really have a place in this day and age. Answers are like gold; everyone's searching for it but it's one of the most precious things that most people don't have.
Despite people reaching out to me, I resist. I do not necessarily pull back but there exists a void whose blanket of obscurity I cannot penetrate. This void is mainly defined as the future. I know not what it holds for me, but I find myself ever-desirous, as usual. What becomes of a time one hopes for, but to the moment he thinks of it, it is a time that remains elusive, hiding behind a corner appearing a million miles away? Do we retain optimism in times of hardship, or do we react as clams and shell up when the tides come again to change our paths in the sand one more time? I don't know which path is wiser, whether to be protected and yet have missed out on a chance, or risk the sleeve and possibly end up with a naked soul. My need for deen persists through my evolution, continually invoking its purpose in tranquility. I seem unable, however, to use that need for deen to mold my actions and emotions. Chance leads the 'next thing on the list of whenever', my schedule these days.
/ / /
falling while wishing to fly, paradoxical whims buttressed in reality's lie, careful weaves of letters no longer enable but only fetter the wave building within a soul full to brim with the idiotic nuances of holding the philosopher's stone - but tied to the ground, bound to the fate of a mortal, oh-so-human drone. too many needles in the haystack, I've lost blood before, hesitant to lose more hemoglobin, if I don't get that rush I fear I may perish still to oxygen malnutrition. there's a reason why I might speed driving the highways of life's intermittent disguises of distraction and badly-written surmises: speeds 100+ remind me of flying, from the top down or down up, it doesn't matter as the wind has my back even if I hiccup and my momentum staggers. free, free like the wind that isn't bound to the ground, but open and ever-expanding to fill the space of wherever it can reach. but I am not made of gas, but solid, molecules firmly entrenched into a pattern I've come to despise, wanting, wishing, always in the back of my mind, a thought to fly and leave this petty world behind..
Are we always destined to make the same mistakes over and over? Is life truly the circular path that we end up back again where we thought we started it all in the first place? I know, rhetorical questions don't really have a place in this day and age. Answers are like gold; everyone's searching for it but it's one of the most precious things that most people don't have.
Despite people reaching out to me, I resist. I do not necessarily pull back but there exists a void whose blanket of obscurity I cannot penetrate. This void is mainly defined as the future. I know not what it holds for me, but I find myself ever-desirous, as usual. What becomes of a time one hopes for, but to the moment he thinks of it, it is a time that remains elusive, hiding behind a corner appearing a million miles away? Do we retain optimism in times of hardship, or do we react as clams and shell up when the tides come again to change our paths in the sand one more time? I don't know which path is wiser, whether to be protected and yet have missed out on a chance, or risk the sleeve and possibly end up with a naked soul. My need for deen persists through my evolution, continually invoking its purpose in tranquility. I seem unable, however, to use that need for deen to mold my actions and emotions. Chance leads the 'next thing on the list of whenever', my schedule these days.
/ / /
falling while wishing to fly, paradoxical whims buttressed in reality's lie, careful weaves of letters no longer enable but only fetter the wave building within a soul full to brim with the idiotic nuances of holding the philosopher's stone - but tied to the ground, bound to the fate of a mortal, oh-so-human drone. too many needles in the haystack, I've lost blood before, hesitant to lose more hemoglobin, if I don't get that rush I fear I may perish still to oxygen malnutrition. there's a reason why I might speed driving the highways of life's intermittent disguises of distraction and badly-written surmises: speeds 100+ remind me of flying, from the top down or down up, it doesn't matter as the wind has my back even if I hiccup and my momentum staggers. free, free like the wind that isn't bound to the ground, but open and ever-expanding to fill the space of wherever it can reach. but I am not made of gas, but solid, molecules firmly entrenched into a pattern I've come to despise, wanting, wishing, always in the back of my mind, a thought to fly and leave this petty world behind..
10.09.2008
- in the name of Allah -
Wow, it's been a month since I last posted here. Good thing someone reminded me to, or else it might've stretched out to 2 months and I could have possibly forgotten everything..but alas, I have not forgotten, so here I am.
While it is true that I am human and as such possess most of the typically human desires and ambitions, it also remains true that I made an oath when I was younger, far more naive and innocent. I had seen others grow up and develop questionable nuances to their personality, accept notions that, barring acceptance by others, they would have never accepted. I knew I would never want to be one of them. To be a common man, a plebeian who walked the path of everyone and repeated everything they said, I couldn't be. Whether it be arrogance, or fitrah, or presumptuousness, or the like, I have always held myself above those ideas and their practice.
So it remains that I walk, or at least foreshadow, my road in the clouds and a steady current forward. I should hope (and pray) that the road I am on does lead me to flounder, because it's so easy to release one's self from the constraints of heaven and so easily put on the reins of hell.
Among other mysteries, I wonder why some females are more inclined to bitchiness than others. Rudimentary manners should be a pre-requisite test for all women (and men) who want to be married, or imagine themselves to be in a position of being. Oh well, I guess not all people were created equally (or at least, end up that way).
Wow, it's been a month since I last posted here. Good thing someone reminded me to, or else it might've stretched out to 2 months and I could have possibly forgotten everything..but alas, I have not forgotten, so here I am.
While it is true that I am human and as such possess most of the typically human desires and ambitions, it also remains true that I made an oath when I was younger, far more naive and innocent. I had seen others grow up and develop questionable nuances to their personality, accept notions that, barring acceptance by others, they would have never accepted. I knew I would never want to be one of them. To be a common man, a plebeian who walked the path of everyone and repeated everything they said, I couldn't be. Whether it be arrogance, or fitrah, or presumptuousness, or the like, I have always held myself above those ideas and their practice.
So it remains that I walk, or at least foreshadow, my road in the clouds and a steady current forward. I should hope (and pray) that the road I am on does lead me to flounder, because it's so easy to release one's self from the constraints of heaven and so easily put on the reins of hell.
Among other mysteries, I wonder why some females are more inclined to bitchiness than others. Rudimentary manners should be a pre-requisite test for all women (and men) who want to be married, or imagine themselves to be in a position of being. Oh well, I guess not all people were created equally (or at least, end up that way).