answers for an Unanswered Question

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

On multiple occasions, the question has arisen of how my Gift might feel should she ever learn about some of the deeper layers to my being, parts that have not necessitated her in their existence. This notion has also brought with it implications of what is sacred and between whom. It is a difficult question, without simple repercussions, but I've never really shied away from those. So, I attempt to pen a reply for the record, trying to be timeless with a comprehensive answer that lasts for this lifetime as long as I do.

 ~

People cannot own other people, much less their hearts. 

This is despite what history and slavery and subjugation might try to teach us. There is always some measure of control and interconnectedness involved, clear in the organization of families and businesses and basically any collaboration involving people. But people do not *own* other people, nor any parts of other people.

That said, Allah owns them all. 

Every part and piece, it is His. People over time try to resist that too, but the inevitability of death and the ephemeral nature of this life makes such resistance eventually futile in the long run. Matter has to decay, sooner or later, this is invariable for all the created things.

Among the foremost of contracts He instituted, since our earliest times until and inclusive of even the revolutions of the modern age, is that of marriage and its basic constituent bonds. Cultural and historical baggage aside, some eternal principles about it endure.  Marriage was placed there to help ensure harmony and structure within a society, so that children might know where they came from, their lineage and parents, and succeeding generations could identify and have knowledge of their history. Obviously, our Rabb's wisdom in this matter goes extremely far, but this touches on the tip of the iceberg.

In all the commandments related to marriage, there are none that specifically, directly dictate to people *how they should feel*. 

We are advised towards obedience to law, respect and consideration of spouses, mutual consultation, remembrance of certain principles that can never be ignored while aspects of law which very specific situations may make inapplicable, and in general to constantly beware the threads of temptation and corruption. This list of advice and commandment is totally not complete. Again, His wisdom is ridiculously immeasurable, and I'd never be able to exhaust the depths of how He framed His creation's interaction and existence. 

But one of the wisdoms can be gleaned in how He did not mandate human emotion: hearts He keeps in His direct control, altering them at His discretion, at first glance appearing to be like the wind, so always emotions and their intensity seem to be in flux, never quite solid or stationary.

We are held responsible only for our actions and intentions. There is a reason He has mentioned scales weighing *deeds*, not *feelings*. These two can never be the same. Any human being who feels an impulse of desire towards the wrong direction, yet does not *act* on it, finds with Him reward for his/her self-control. Similarly, should a person obey that impulse, then there is threat of punishment mandated for the action itself - not for what was felt.

~

Now seems like the right point to bring this back to a personal direction: how can I answer the original question? 

If and when my Rabb ever permits my Gift to be next to me again, she will never know what it's like to have lost the love of all her lifetimes. My Gift will never experience such heartache, or absence, or madness, or a countless other mechanisms/motivations for why I write for as long as I've lived. InshaAllah, all she's gonna know is love and concern from me. She'll never worry about where my heart is, because everything she's ever known and seen of me has been right in front of her. 

Because she will never know such loss or experience such things, there is and always has been more to me than she's ever going to be able to know or understand. My history, depth, experience, ambition,...all of these extend to places beyond where she begins or ends. Whatever she needs to have to feel secure she will iA, but that'll never mean she has an ownership of my existence or any part thereof. 

If anything, I can say what my Rabb tries me with has forced me to grow, all parts of me, in some measure or another. As it turns out, I have the capacity to both love for an Eternity and love for a lifetime, all in the same chest. I reserve this right to feel, for myself, for as long as He gives me choice in the matter.

I could not tell you if this was fair, or idyllic - probably neither. But being just, it means doing the best we can with what we are and who we have.

- - - 

Edit-6/24, side note: 

Not sure if I quite addressed the part of the original question relating to 'what is sacred and between whom', and why that thought might have arisen in the first place, so I'll do that here iA. 

About the experiences I described, I was able to speak of them as I did because none of them were sacred to me. Why not? Because when only one side reaches the plateau of joy and fulfillment that two are supposed to share together, then something has fallen woefully short in that experience.  Those were not times to be held sacred, rather they were craters of disappointment that I will never truly be able to convey the extent of. With all of that said, I know down to my bones the reality of the test my Rabb made those situations for me. I would change nothing about how those moments went, nor anything else. I hope the shock you may have experienced at reading what you did, you can forgive me for that. But there was nothing in them for me to treasure, and if you had the impression there was or had been, I can see why you may have not understood. 

Alhamdulillah though, every event in one's life has its place and purpose and instigation towards evolution. I try to take the better of it iA and leave it to Him what I find after that.