Musings of a Decade

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I don't know how I did it back then. I don't know how I survived. There was a decade I went through, where our lives took different directions, and I kept subconsciously searching for someone to love like you. I never found such a person. Much of that decade was spent in a deep sadness, because I eventually realized there was only ever going to be one k. The years of college and a degree and job were never enough for me. I lose track of how many potentials I spoke with in that time, some who wanted to marry quickly after meeting me and others who talked to over months or years, and then others who wanted someone different than who I was, so many random potentials.

I recall this history now because even in an era where I can hear from you, or know more of you, there persist certain traces of insufficiency, of deprivation, that keep resonating within, especially in the silences, silence whose wisdom I totally get but the reality of apartness carries onward. If I had to describe it, I would say it has its own particular kind of torture, not in the conventional sense, but more like the darkness of a room when its light-bulb just continuously is kept distant from its electricity. Which bulb doesn't want electrons flowing through its filament? How many fixtures of location or people might it change, in vain of course, trying to capture that same intensity of glow that only one connection gave it? 

Rhetorical questions, I know. This life insists on being a barrier between you and I, though I know this is precisely what my Rabb intends. I have always hated barriers between myself and those I love. Barriers, such as distance, should perish. But in this life, He gave me no right to make it so, establishing it among my prime tests to walk a path of apartness without succumbing to what I lack in the meantime. 

I chase your hand in my Garden, without you ever having asked me to, whether or not you even would have it so. The particulars of this ambition are between Him and I, and there's nothing any mortal can do about that. Whether or not such a grand, incomparably-ascendant gift I am granted, is entirely up to my Creator. But this ultimate goal...it's always felt like what you were worth. 

Thus, one lifetime is conceded for an Eternity, iA.