أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the most beautiful realizations I found in life happened around May of last year.

In a sort-of farewell post, you described the missing piece of your early childhood history, telling me how you actually grew up, in the years before we met. I never imagined it was like that tbh, the way I saw you, it seemed like the world moved out of its way for you, a person kind and charismatic and full of dream. 

I know, silly and naïve and short-sighted, but then we were kids and kids tend to see the world with only the experience they have, which isn't much. Alhamdulillah though, I've gotten to know and complete the puzzle of my Moon, even if I hadn't known there were such painful pieces of the puzzle to begin with. 

But what is the other part of the beautiful realization? The things you said, you spoke of experiences primarily being a daughter, it was so timely for me, because subhanaAllah, in a few months' time, I was to become a father to a little girl myself. In a way, hindsight connected the dots for me, and I saw the lessons and wisdoms you gave me, that I should pass along in how I raise my Sunlight. How you interlaced your past into my present and future...incredible! It goes without saying, I express this kind of reality a lot when it comes to you. I suppose it should be taken for granted by now, but I don't think so, such ability to cause reflection and solace is literally like a divine instrument you were created with, insofar as it comes to me at least. Alhamdulillah my Rabb let me know such a one, to have such a state as a background with so many of this life's innate uncertainties. 

I also really have to mention...the post you wrote, was well before we'd done gender reveal. So as qadr would have it, your words were perfectly timed and prescient, your experience as a daughter to one about to become the father of a daughter, the most relevant intertwining with what was to come that I could fathom. Almost as poetic as the time I met someone with your first name and my last name at an airport by pure fated coincidence. Lol mA it is what it is. 

It's been awhile since I wrote a scene from our Tomorrow, need to do that soon iA, some evening or early morning this Ramadan while the mind isn't affected as much by fasting. 

for the Primal Primera

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

that summer's Eid, in the morning's early hours, we spoke at last our due, got to hear your words, to distill from our past its truth. 

you took me back in time, back in time, 

to 

when we were kids,

when words were far simpler things,

so

let me take you now:

to our Future's curtain,

unveiling its potential

as what we know for certain.

=

not long after He has me judged, and iA His full mercy given, i'll look for you, to place my hands over your eyes, walk you to your palace, breathing softly across your neck, help build the tension and surprise. sometimes, it's only one room that matters, the one where lovers reside, the first one they'll run to, laughing smiling and ready, to at last be ones that fly. 

the bed, more comfortable than a third of November, the sheets, softer than our whim, won't have to wonder what you wore underneath, some strings kept then tied, no longer, Tomorrow is for loosening of buttons, recreating our own Fifty Shades, so we let free, what all you'd kept inside. slowly fast, deeply savored every second, such is the taste, when a single lifetime, was the price for love we paid- the Garden's admittance, it cost restraint, and patience, to seek with endurance, the only path to finding His fullest of blessings.

i don't know what it's like to touch your skin, to know what you truly think, what your imagination held for me to unwrap and dive in, but my mind's vision, it won't forget that potential traded, of an instant's mortal pleasure, in exchange (iA) for an Infinity of unwrapping you over and over. if all i must give is patience, observance of His bounds, for a time as finite as this life of briefest living, don't mind a bit, passion is my choicest flame, to shine against the absence, and keep our aims forever lit. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

few days back, when Ramadan started, got a simple message from one of my beacons, surprised me how much i relished reading it. hearing from someone with whom i have deep connections, ya Rabb i wish i could have that kind of visitation more often.

it isn't an easy thing to maintain distance when there exist avenues for their shortening, but my Creator has taught me often about waiting for that which i seek. sometimes the immediate pressures and intentions of worldly nature obscure that seeking, but it's always there, ever present in the blood, red as it runs, like when the Moon is clearest on nights without clouds. 

as for Ramadan itself, had my usual early impression of its layering upon layer of imprisonment, but after discussion with a fellow 85er, alhamdulillah i was able to dissolve the momentary dissonance and simply accept the nature of life and fasting together, my solution? submission after all. it is the backdrop of the slave, always the place upon which i have to stand, remembering to look down, see where it is i truly am. 

i won't get to write as many words as i wish, whether for time or occasion preferring silence, for the ones who now situate in my Sky. they are precious, my beloved of various origins and colors and backgrounds. some have visited the ocean, others know not it even exists, but for me, in my mind's sight, i have seen roads untraveled between them and i, paths i know for certain i would love to take in their company. so they become part of my fabric, a tapestry, a Pattern, accentuated goals as gems adorn the horizon. 

ya Rabb, forgive them, aid them towards You, and never let us be lost, ameen

On the other night

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not too many nights like this, where skies empty of clouds and moonlight touches every inch of landscape, but it's a beautiful moment, in the midst of so many answerless questions. could say the effort of attempting is as draining as a tornado over water, funnelling away the substance, ever enveloping with pressure, can't control the weather, pleas to the Maker as arrows fallen quickly out of their quiver, deflation the reoccurring wind for the seeker of stillness, this life and its vampiric nature, can't understand how typical people survive much less the ones oddball and composed of dimensions non-money, non-linear. 

over this past year, i grasp less and less of my beloved, can fathom no equations to resolve the distance, silence poses an ever increasing stockpile of questions, among them one might ask, how is the caring still worth it, when the future of Tomorrow becomes a vision by the demands of dunya slowly blurred into the ether? it's as if thought of the Garden and its attainment is simple and easy, while finding a place of work and belonging at present is a mountainous task, so many peaks to scale but such little equipment. 

~

what price would any sane person pay to end the distance? what decisions would he make to dial down the questions, have only in front of him his beloved to gaze in? one of the most predominant conclusions i reach over and over, that i remain insufficient, yet the aid of my Rabb is a twinned edge blade i wonder which way He'd have it twist, whether when it's just reaching my fingertips or right when i think i've mastered His tests? 

truth is, programming is not the template of my nature, just an extension i felt i could take because it held something of wonder, potential, artistry in diction meant for machines to execute with precision. somehow, if i'm to survive this choice, to choose my career's direction, i'll have to internalize it at some even deeper level, keeping ever expanded the mental limits, of learning and dots forever connecting. 

not so dissimilar this is, from waiting to see you again. every once in awhile, wish i'd been purely selfish, not coded and guided in principles, perhaps sooner feel your touch for the first time ever. but, i don't want you for just an instant, not just for a night or series of breaths no matter how exhilarating and ecstatic, but rather...i want you Forever, eternally tethered, fully, unbounded, unfettered, to share and relish every measure of love hand in hand with learning of matter and exploration of creation beyond what our worldly senses once told us. 

alhamdulillah my Love of All Lifetimes. the journey is what it is, seeking from Him to be whole one Day iA. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

just in case a reminder may be needed, in case this winter's stretched its tendrils too close to where you're breathing, i should reiterate what i said not long ago, that you'd never be eclipsed, not in any season, for as a runner in the blood, how intertwined are oxygen and love? 

my Rabb has given me quite a few blessings, and decided to try me in some ways so deep, but no matter the happiness or sorrow He decrees me to face, absent you i am never completed,...why is still partly why, the Garden holds fast its meaning, its necessity, why every deed i have as pebble, i save to show Him one Day for me to plead. 

they do not understand, they cannot fathom, how one once so bereft of mortal acceptance, longs for one who showed it him without condition. it's a simple thing, i swear, so obvious, if it were outloud spoken, all would say 'of course it is', as fruitful as the vapid exclamation of how magic might be wonderful and helping...of course! but utterly unaware of how such a thing is actually brought to fruition.

as  my Moon once said, "only Allah can give it, and only He can take it away". such is the fate of that which over we possess no control, things submitted, for they belong to Him. 

my beloved are remembered as every day passes, inside duas released from tongue whether or not my state agrees or wishes, whether my compass points right the moment, or decides to be itself still, you remain embedded within, and some day iA, i'll get to hear your words again, and be able to show what you mean to me. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some days are sweaters of anguish, wrapped tightly on the self, holding the fury of unanswered questions, measures falling short, of minimum levels i need to have reached but still dispossessed of. 

am i the only one on the outside looking in? society marching forward, careless of efforts or struggles of nameless ones, long needed belonging but been decades since i spliced it from the thesis of my being, so i remain averse to an essential ingredient every mortal was created as needing.

persistence, patience; the finest of twinned blades, best with which to leave streaks in the soul and underneath flesh before signs appear, carving out methods of how to walk as one who is slave. there is no paper with enough space, no pen with enough ink, to spell out the depth of inadequacy when an ideal is the measure of self, so it invariably falls short, an engine without fuel, all you could see, is the trace of my plumes in the sky, left in the trail of where i tried to be. 

hope battles pessimism, potential with reality, possibility with displacement, sometimes the nomadic one can only see what he is as homeless, truly being of statelessness, internal equivocations the only sounds to his ears nearest. one simple most beautiful light, in the midst of all the unknown, my Sunlight when she bends around any corner, by sight or sound, my beloved is home. 

Grammatical

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so busy, so much thinking, planning, so many angles and sub-objectives, matters needing attention, ideals to be manifested, durability and longevity, endurance against obstacles and elements, of the self and one's home, issues of foundation, things to be fixed and brought up to spec, so much by which to be distracted, reasons these well and good, but so does my study and work pursuit need its own mention, not simply that which i leave for the end of sentences. 

for the beginning of paragraphs, reservations made for beloved, ones kept internally simmered, slow cooking but unreleased, many emotions and reunities waiting their turn for embrace at the gate of Peace. plenty of questions unanswered, silences kept for reasons likely fair and well-intended, doesn't quite stop the question mark from being so piercing with tiny cuts where ignorance is a dam long since opened and flooding to the limit of my cognizance. 

the road is long, longest for the lovers who try holding true to the highest of objectives, their Maker first and forever, followed thereafter by mortal beloved whose trailing absence is as periods or commas sequential, indicative of foretelling, foreshadowing, but these eyes too shortsighted to see all the wisdoms that He placed within my every circumstance, alhamdulillah regardless, among my recently learned lessons, are these:

i can never remain distant of Him, never upset or so fraught with disillusion and malcontent that i would turn away from caring for remembrance, that in my overwhelmed moments, rather than away - towards my Maker must i turn first, lean on Him to account for all my weaknesses, all potentials unreached or reaching, all mistakes and sins in days past i let cloud vision. i think my need of my Rabb surpasses any other mortal, so deep it is, my own capacity by self-conflict inhibited, held myself back in so many ways on levels sometimes forgotten how deep, how old they persisted, but Future's sway is brightest, longest lasting, strongest, so the road of Tomorrow is where the nomad's steps keep walking, ever for his sought the seeking. 

Reflecting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

have i seen all there is to see? 

have i been all there is to be?

have my fingers felt the touch

of the one who gave of herself unasked,

implicit, 

without question,

without directive,

without knowing she'd be laying down the seeds

for my future self to still be growing with?

even as my littlest beloved, my Sunlight, 

she who was borne from within the ocean,

could say her eruption was volcanic, unpredicted,

she whose every motion, sneeze, cough, gesture,

is cause for elation,

even as i've lived long enough to kiss Sunlight,

and know the taste of cheeks like clouds of cotton candy,

and swear that's all i'd ever need ever after,

it never escapes attention,

never is a thing forgotten,

of how i came to such a point

from my very beginning,

which beloved it is i'm missing, absent,

whose pieces in me, are preserved in etches incomplete,

as paintings He has seen fit to pause mid-stroke, 

for these eyes He gave some vision of potential,

what grows from elements combined,

possibilities that remain yet unshown. 

these days, the trial changes, not just of entering

parenthood,

but searching for my place on this planet,

somewhere i could internalize a bit of belonging, 

and become as a father and husband is commanded to offer,

but...such fullness of responsibility evades me, 

acceptance, on so many different levels rejection and denial,

it's the tune of my tale, long since repeating, 

no matter the altered setting or style,

could be a beloved and unasked for silence,

or an employer choosing someone else to hire,

the end result is a sensation familiar,

oh so familiar,

and almost i'm recalled to various epochs of the darker years

of my own evasion and hiding, but now truly knowing

there is nowhere to go but forwardly-trying,

for Sunlight must be tended,

much like the vine upon whom roses grew unbounded, my Mia,

stepped over obstacles and oceans, to side with the nomad

for as long as He'd have him breathing. 

alhamdulillah, gratitude i neglect, forgive me ya Rabb, 

i walk, unable to look much beyond in the distance

unknowing absolutely which choice is best

but perhaps, You would shower this slave with mercy

he who sought and seeks with well intent

simply his beloved, wrapped with Eternity met. 

akc, 11/12

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

just like that, a bit earlier than expected, was this one tiny blessing that wove its way into my life, erasing all questions, just in herself a fountain, evoking love and tenderness, with tiny little fingers and toes, that i could wrap around my own, every movement she makes, every breath cascading into yawn, every cry for hunger or relief, every random sleepy motion, everything she does and is, all of it borne right into and out of my ocean.

so long as He has me living and breathing, bi ithniAllah this littlest beloved will never ponder a second outside the waves, always implicit in knowing: to be loved and living is one and the same, the spokes and wheel all in a singular motion. what shall i name this most special of all beacons? not quite certain yet, perhaps my Sun or Sunlight, perhaps my Breeze, or the Wind of my means, or the Spring of wholeness that i will pull (iA) with me to our Firdaus, where our imaginations and wonder only open the doors to possibilities? 

oh dear beloved, constellations and heavenly objectives, wish i could hold you altogether, be wrapped up in these embraces, the lover with his loved, but He tries me as ever with such distance, but...never think for a moment you're outside my horizon, absent from my skyline. one Day, if He had ever shown care to this slave of His, i will plead Him for your company, no matter the situations, or histories, or rejections, or dismissals, or utter ignorance i find myself too oft close with, i know for whom i seek, the places and mechanism of keys held to your dreams. 

this life is long, but my Rabb keeps me, and such a gift as He saw fit to show me, such a blessing is not one to take lightly, though light she may be. imagine, a nova i can grow alongside my own, shower upon and bask in her radiance at the same time? alhamdulillah, always and forever

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

know what's strange? no matter how big the ocean gets, no matter the potential wonder at holding my littlest beloved, no matter how many joys i might have close, there are still some candles waiting to be lit, in the backdrop of my mind? and so they cast their emptinesses around the walls of my inner sanctum, reminding me i have not yet been accepted, because such a moment only comes when i can hear your voice again, calling me so that i can answer it, that i can be lifted again by recollection of this one crazy person, who dared to love that bumbling idiot way back in their early adolescence, she who read the most epic of tales and whose imagination ran wild and free as the wind even though, for the world in which she lived, her surroundings oft may have felt like her own prison...in her mind, fueled by what she'd read, was a heart kept free, fearless though it had parted, from the one in whom acceptance was embraced implicitly, the comma of a sentence without pause, you're my undercurrent when everything on my surface is merely the automaton going through motions as life brings worries and stress in layers like snow that's balling. 

breathe light oh beloved, it's only in the state of being broken that we can turn to our Rabb, as His most needy of servants, and such is the truth He wills to persist- pain and affliction is often the basis of submission, for if we had no need, or no loss, or nothing missing, would we ever feel inclined for supplication? 

our threads are interwoven, even as His designs cut us out from proximity or knowing how you fare in this moment of time....this nomad remembers, the End he seeks from his Maker, the one where you held his hand, enveloped him in embrace, spoke to him some words it matters not what, for they fell from those lips, that to him had in his past life, become something of myth...but Reality, the ultimate state of things beyond the edge what these eyes see, that's where my aim rests, inside your arms, your bosom, where my peace is whole, full, right in place.

Endless

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

been blessed immensely, like the pouring of a raincloud on top of desert sand that thought it was empty, thought it couldn't grow even a blade of grass, till He made you into one of my oases, vibrant and lasting. 

 

alhamdulillah my Gift brings me many a moment of peace, seeing her, touching her, holding her, kissing the summit of her cheeks...brings all my questions to a close, rests my defense from its cases, as prosecution of life's own designs take a breather in her presence. still, my Gift is but one piece of me, for long have i accepted, walking this path of apartness, is one who lives with himself as fractured, from any other of his beloved. 

 

the Muse of my soul, she who dreamt the deepest first, who dared to imagine, whose curiosity sparked my own, turning me into the poet i always had been, you are never forgotten, never from blood as one parted, as long as breath is mine He wills to have drawn in, your body's shadows, are where my atoms long most to bask in. there's nothing to rip out of this chest, for it's already opened, with you running free, overcoming and being, steady as myself i can keep it, i will, iA, waiting the cage to re-welcome its essence. 

change is coming for me, as it often has, now on a scale i can't fathom, but oh Lune of my beacons, know: that the newest continent to spring forth in my ocean, she the littlest one, has captured your initial within her middle, just as it is in mine. one Day inshaAllah, all my beloved will be next to me, each of their lights shared with one another, like the cascading brilliance of countless prisms, and their love, your love, will find its Home and return, in full.

Aspects, of pieces in the puzzle

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

your heartbeats not quite so far, sometimes it seems, from nearness to my eardrums where their oscillations carry inward simply streaming, perhaps the ripple of a lake down into a much-smaller creek, into the compartment devised for beloved sought once again to meet.

 

sometimes that box, that cage, can remain closed and nothing leaks out to the forefront of conception, but then..it might rain, or leaves blow in certain directions, swirling as their world topsy-turvy turns, and your absence i recall as a hidden knife suitable for vagabonds, thrust at me from unknown angles, and it cuts again, sometimes deep and at others slicing merely the surfaces of skin, but that is as it aught to be...the one embedded within should at some moments be released, even if by moments not quite comprehensible to strangers.

 

~

 

wonder if she thinks i still enjoy missing, wishing to give me further chances to indulge some agonies antagonizing, hah, it would be amusing...were silence not its own kind of blade, wrapping up within the pain of absence, accented by the beauty of serrations. 

 

how does she fare? what are her pains and sorrows, joys and wonders about tomorrow? do those near her treat her justly, or are past follies in choosing simply in the present repeated? all questions absent answers, i'll dart them into the wind, perhaps they'll reach the eyes for which they're intended, and arc down into her soul, give her cause for reflection (and perhaps, for the love of God, answers to these questions! iA). 

 

 ~

 

one of the coolest nickname ever conceived for a beacon, Farhaven, like the heroine of a tale i might have read, a beacon-yet-not-made, unaware of that type of shining, life carrying onward, hopeful of your laughter and its finding.

 

~

 

 

on the subtleties of submitting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

between a slave and his Maker

 

do they know ya Rabb, that it was You Who made them? 

that You defined the lengths of their lives, the senses they would have, the senses that would escape them?

are Your slaves aware, that You brought them forth into life at the height of their weakness and ignorance, growing them until they grasped more of knowledge and experience, bit by bit?

do they know, that it is You Who designed for them their miseries, their pulls, desires and whims and wills, forces internal and otherwise, that would encircle them for all their mortal lives?

oh Rabb, do your slaves know that the sole purpose some of them were made, is simply to be the reason, the means of trial and context for others being admitted into Your Garden? 

do they know that You decreed their worth before they ever drew breath, with judgment and knowledge that utterly encapsulates everything they'll ever be and fathom?

have they understood, that You gave them life and choice and warning, the ability to choose and also be thrust unwilling into certain threads of circumstance, while they would be judged and dismissed by their brethren for what they never controlled in the first place?

would they know that all they are is Yours, that it is up to You to do with them as You please? that the meaning of slave and servant and created thing, is to ever be in need of one's Creator?

i beg You oh Rabb, tell me if they are aware...that it was You Who created the chief Deceiver? that the most cursed of all creation is simply a tool, a mechanism to sift through all the multitudes of humanity that have ever lived, helping to prove the case for which slave has chosen You, and which has not? do they know that iblees and the plans he makes are utterly baseless compared to those designs which You planned for Your creation since time immemorial? that it was You Who waylaid/ambushed iblees into showcasing his arrogance at the creation of Adam(as)? 

oh Rabb, do they know that You guide only those of us whom You will to guide? and most important perhaps, do they know that You are the one whom misguides whomsoever You will? and none would there ever be to challenge Your decision in this?

~~~

 

subhanAllah. the nature of servitude is intense, not for the faint of heart. if we thought life was difficult in its circumstances and repetition and absence, then pondering over these kinds of realities must be even more heavy.

truth is, submission is not for everyone. it "should be", but not every slave's nature is inclined to it, not every slave is meant to be what it should be. 

 that's another thought uneasy to swallow. ultimately and initially, the decision comes from Allah. but this is not a cause for sadness or hopelessness to me. because there is no escaping death, His reach would always find His slaves. knowing that i have long been encompassed, is honestly a comforting thought....because my Rabb is not my enemy. in truth He is my ally, has always been my support since all my days i can recall. in this space, in between all my posts of longing and reflections, i have tried over the years to recount something of what He's blessed me with. it is immense, impossible to count. and i wish and pray that it should ever remain so, that His shielding me from harsher tragedies and pains and difficulties, continues iA, ameen.

what i hope my beloved find here....is something similar to taste in their connection to their Rabb. He is no stranger, rather He is the King, and what makes His kingship unique is that He is the One most worthy of being so, of owning everything and ownership is His. 

our hopes and desires and goals, require Him. we should not separate what we want, from Him. for He is both the Means to our goals and of Himself He is the Aim, eventually, as well. nothing worth finding could be found without His aid, and so, submission is the most basic ingredient of the path such travelers walk.

 

Contrasted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so strange, how one can be composed of one's beloved, yet their currents within flow in opposite directions, some giving lift to breathing while another becomes a means of some shade of anguish, long have i known the cost of ignorance, especially when it comes to those who matter the closest, it's a slightly different tune to a well-played song.

 

~

 

for my Twin, these words are released...none have ever rejected or gone radio silent quite to your degree, denial on so many levels, i never needed a yes rather simply understanding and some measure of explanation, to gaze inside who it is that you call as yourself. i should not be surprised, for most of my living i struggled against my own acceptance, how to fit into this existence being what i am and it being what it is, couldn't be ease with my own definition, misanthropic in ways straight out of fiction, for so long didn't know how to jive as myself on earthy wavelengths where simple normalcy and mundanity is what everyone's concerned with.

 

as you said once, "everything you say about me applies to you too". how long it took me to be fine with being me, and letting others be who they are? do you know, given the knowledge i'd gained of you thus far, every piece of data and emotion and experience, everything other than Potential, if i took all of that and put it on a scale, could i say it was worth the pain of being denied by one's twin, almost in entirely the same mirror mechanism as i had not known how to deal with my self? i cannot say it was worth it. but the scale has two parts. on the one hand is what had been learned and experienced and received --- and on the other, Potential. "you know the magic we would make." lol, words you would say that get etched into my history. Potential, that, it is worth the effort in caring and seeking and trying. such is my nature, and even if my Rabb keeps you even more under wraps and disguised and unrevealed than any of my beloved...that's not a problem. it is an ache, yes, resonant in places i wished many times to have never have shaken again, but change in our condition and trial...is the constant of being human. my Gemini belongs in my ocean, even if the idea has its only abode on this earth being the cavity of my chest. i suspect He makes me to become stronger the longer i live, for there is no other choice. if my goal is my goal, written in my bones, if it's behind the lids of my eyes when i'm dreaming or awake, then every experience, every moment and day, all of it get subsumed within the overarching projection of...where will it take me Tomorrow? reminding me again of Littlefinger and his self-questioning every course of action in the context of - will it get me closer to or farther from my objective?

 

 funny too, how i think what i want for the moment is just the most trifle of things, to know how you fare, what your ups and downs are. this is what my Rabb keeps from me. ignorance of simple, trivial details that would color the backdrop of concern and yield no further for this life. all i'd wanna know. yet i cannot, do not. subhanaAllah, it is what it is. the journey onward goes

Observing the news and human nature

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

It's really something, the ability of people to bring about the humiliation of the very thing they wanted to raise higher, their actions becoming the reason for the twisted turn of events.

 

Right now the most striking example of this is the recent protest in Iran over their hijab mandate. Can the authorities there realize that, in their effort to "require" hijab and invent a morality police and enforce the standard down people's throats, they have actually caused the hijab to become a symbol of institutional repression, with the masses now feeling that they should take it off as sign of protest?

 

It's incredibly ironic. What hurts me most is that I find the hijab so beautiful and complementary to women. To me, this cloth is the intersection of ideals, of modesty and preservation alongside style and color, of the past and its innate quiet dignity with the future and its tireless adherence to divine command in the face of modern opposition.

I know, I know. That is a heavy notion, but it doesn't mean I'd want everyone or anyone to carry it. But somewhere inside of me, that's how hijab is framed. And to see women throw it down, because of the evil ignorance and stupidity of men/government...this is a matter of shame for anyone who calls themselves Muslim. It is humiliation of something that carries this amazing combination of being connected to our Rabb while also having the potential to accentuate and enhance physical beauty in a way altogether opposite the modern obsession of how society tries to convince people that women should be in order to be 'free'. 

Alas, that's the crux of the matter. As Agent Smith once said, the problem is because we aren't free, that our tendency to seek this freedom manifests sooner or later when it is suppressed externally/violently for so long. It is a blessing that Muslims living in the west have, to make our choices and not have them made for us, and truly, when we can make the right ones, it's all the better because no outside force coerced us into doing so. It's sad beyond measure though, many around the world are not given this choice of obeying Allah or not. Some think that this choice can be made for them, by others, but it cannot. That is shortsighted, wishful, ignorant thinking.

The decisions whose impact will stay, the ones most important, are the ones we can choose for ourselves, accepting the consequences and knowing the reasons behind why we do them. Every believing woman and every woman who might one day come to Islam should have the chance to choose how or when she accepts her call to her Maker. It's the only way the desire for submission will settle into her, just as it would for any human being - by us having the choice and then, bi ithniAllah, choosing rightly, sooner or later.

 

 

Composed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 from 9/28

saw a waking vision: my Moon, my Gift, and my newest Beloved. all embracing and embraced, there was my Eclipse, totally solar but not at all blinding, nothing and no one missing or diminished, like they were already related, connected, swimming in an ocean made to make them feel full beyond the brim, in me they swam, unknowingly and effortless, reaching the core and my Sky in altogether the selfsame instant, this...this oh mahboob of mine, this is Love manifested.

Arced

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

if I could I would have my ocean alter the arc of your destiny, so one Day might come where you dive straight into me, breathing and swimming the same as existing, air no longer needed as the liquid is enough for inhalation. 

 don't think there's any message in a bottle i've left unwritten, look back through these pages and you'd see most everything i ever held within some manner or other, spilled onto the canvas, forever trying to be a painter of pictures with words instead of brushes.

all i really am left to seeking, your visage embraced, acceptance and fullness, ecstasy and  wholeness, mirrored chapters out of a book He hasn't yet fully published, as we live on the road to fulfillment.

the blessings He's shown me...incomparable, farther than distance, brighter than lumens, beyond measure when measuring sticks are found to be utterly insufficient - so many of what others might describe as 'coincidence', tricks played by faithless minds unwilling to grasp the surrounding nature of His works in us from our very beginning, these gifts are unimaginably unscripted, except by the Architect of Everything, the Creator of all existence, servitude truly only belongs to One such as Him. 

so much more than the sky we see with our eyes, He adorned the canopy of my living with beloved who accentuate and capture its beauty and brilliance, they shine at varying angles and times, unpredictable and welcome their intertwining with mine, giving cause and substance to the ocean, that i might survive this life's trek, looking forward to our intersection when i am 'pieces' no more, rather whole is the puzzle and relished the pie, iA

Sanctuaries

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

It's impossible to overstate how precious fuel from one's beloved is. In a moment recently laying down with my Mia, an emotion I have sought every day of my existence washed over me like the most welcome tide. 

 

after a day at work weighed down by the stress of trying to fit into a broken world as one who thought himself most often in pieces, there, with her, the world was right again, things fit into place, I fit into place. Alhamdulillah, infinitely many times over.

 

I know such a state isn't permanent yet, and I know it is only part of the beloved that complete my puzzle, but to hold such a moment in one's memory and retain it as a buffer against the trials of life is how I keep going, alhamdulillah.  

 

~

 

Can't forget another moment, a hand grasped for the first time, almost like the 3 first hugs ever received some years back. I can recall each of those moments vividly, as if the mind had saved them visually for replay forever. And of course, mention has to be made of the following historical statement, from one of my beloved:

 

"If I wanted to, I could rape you, right here. In fact, I could seduce you then rape you." 

 

It was amazing and insane at the time I heard it, and it remains so now lol. Putting aside the vulgarity and connotations of some word choices, I suspect the underlying motive is one of a need and desire that has brewed for a long, long time. As with any brewery, emotion too can ferment and become more potent the longer it sits.

 

This life is definitely a test for all of us. One of the reasons by which my Rabb allows me some measure of patience is the goal of being united with my beloved. Among the most savored of future experiences will be when I can truly see the complete extent of a brew after it has aged for a lifetime, - how would it taste? How would the expression of my beloved manifest, when it was permitted to be free as it wished to be? 

 

A lover longs not only to love, but to bask in the radiance of his/her beloved. Perhaps He would permit me to safely/eternally revel in the seduction and escapades of my beloved, when our earthly stories have finished and deeds of judging have passed. It's an exciting thought, and tbh it is one piece of the overall puzzle. 

 

Many things we see and wish for in dunya, that due to their nature or mechanism we are prevented from because of sin or danger to us. But what is there to be said when such consideration is gone, when freedom and our wish we are allowed to possess fully?

 

InshaAllah, duas remain that we live to see that Tomorrow, as one. 

 

 

carried on the wind

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah, as some doors closed others keep on opening. got a big interview coming up Monday, very solid position that would be pretty amazing and doesn't have experience requirements to start off. duas for khair and landing it are always appreciated from my beloved

 

~

 

 

on other recent events, heard about some serious rain and flooding down south around Texas. first thought trailed back to you when i saw those streets overflowing and people trying to get out of the city before it piled on even more. even thought about reaching out, directly or otherwise. managed to keep that part of you that's in me, inside its box, because i can't let it out just yet. this internal compartmentalization is something my Primera mentioned to me some years back. it's become a necessary skill for the nomad to survive with, because i can't let the ocean run free. not yet. 

 

i would never choose to want catastrophes or something terrible, but i'm reminded of 2020 when i got to hear from you because of the madness that year was. would i ask for such a trial again, if it could trigger another revisiting? part of me says yes, and part me laughs at myself for carrying the thought. forward is where i have to go, and your name colored red is soaked in my blood for what destiny it holds. i keep this place especially because i should not reach out, and i can't lock away many thoughts and weights that my nature brings. gotta release somehow. 

 

maybe some day in this life, iA you'll taste that feeling Eesu gave you, from another little spring to fill your bosom with the light it was made for. maybe i could get a pic of such an momentous event? iA.  but what a complicated set of emotions in these few sentences, subhanAllah it is how it is, this life. 

at the very least, my favorite letter will be embedded within the middle [name] of my littlest beloved-to-be iA. and should my Rabb try me as He tried you, well then i'll just have to have more of your patience, the patience that this entire road has been made of all along. trying to be prepared for anything, crazy as life can be. as ever tho, i side with those who would choose to love regardless of having lost it or not. always. if lovers must bleed for being themselves, well then that is the price of it, and bi ithniAllah gotta stay true.

ma'asalaama, in every moment

 

 

of now

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

where to begin? 

 

alhamdulillah things are steady most respects these days. out of the past 6 months, spent a couple going all-in on job applications. some went pretty far, and even signed one offer (before it was retracted after a 3rd interview). 

 

not sure how to describe the anticipation followed by disappointment and disillusion, on multiple occasions, of constantly questioning my place on this earth. it's a self-reflection i've carried all my years in living, and still, something i have not yet conquered. alhamdulillah though, some close brothers have given good advice and continue to do so. 

baby momma is progressing nicely mA, it's amazing how one's beloved can become more precious when she carries another inside her, more beautiful and whole. a future of family is another thing that brings home the necessity of better work for me, but subhanAllah, these kind of things He always makes happen on their own time, not when i would want it. 

- 

my own emotions have their highs and lows in these days, for reasons often out of my control, which i suppose is something every one of us has faced in one spot or another of life. trying to continue caring, while being free of apathy, of persisting when results seem so few and far between. i think this may belong in the meaning of 'sabr', but it's, as usual, a bittery pill to swallow. used to that i've become, which is just another consequence of life.

 

-

 

 wished i could know how you're breathing, see through your eyes the sights that you're seeing, even if touch was a dream yet unlived, just this bit of knowledge would be enough to keep the ocean molten and carried in feeling. my default mode is that of machine, pushing onward past desire into daily grinds where i am the stone it's trying to sharpen or make blunted seeming. alhamdulillah especially, for the light of a beacon, moonlit and dreamy, not quite intertwined to the degree i'd be seeking, but rest assured our destinies melding is an objective firmly entrenched in my being, it's the tunnel's light, somewhere at its end one supposes, though i've no guarantees or clauses to make certain what only blessing and mercy of His bring to fruition, the need and hope and potential: suffice the nomad as fuel for his wandering, often emptied the oasis, traveling with Tomorrow on the mind and his beloved as places, destinations, to reach and be found, mirrored existence upon every level, where only experience can explain the meaning what words can only skirt around in stating.

 

inshaAllah, sooner or later 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

before that proximity, there was a thought i'd had, about how my left flank was empty, no one standing next or near to me, and then maybe couple heartbeats later, He'd brought her to fill the void, and that...was what i wished for, to be surrounded by my beloved, to not have pieces scattered or distant. she came to my side, gelling there as if she knew the place belonged to her, and i knew something of being complete again. 

there's not a lot of words in the language to describe the emotions such an experience has. God knows, that kind of closeness, being with, ma'iyya, that is what i have always chased. in His wisdom it's also the rarest experience ever known, but alhamdulillah it does give me a template for what to seek and where to seek it. ya Rabb, grant my beloved the fullest of patience, until we meet iA.

of proximity and my Primera

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

7/10

 

wasn't expecting it, but you made it a day i'll always remember, treasure with all of my senses, reminding me with the tips of icebergs, how this life is entirely one beginning. it was a pose, a physical closeness, like a stamp affixed to an envelope, two surfaces fitting so snugly it was evident they were made for such belonging, and i knew in that moment - you were my postage, helping me to get where i'd always been aiming. you may have said you changed your mind, but i haven't, never will iA, my goal is the same; the beacon who stirred me at this journey's start, forever has her place in my sky, where the Garden's comprised simply of beloved and light. hope i can always be a reason for your patience, a reason for breathing deeply and anticipation, of knowing whatever this life causes to part is what akhirah will bring together in His mercy, whole and complete, iA.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

suppose i knew the day was coming, when the dreamer went back to her slumber, eyes (of writing) now closed so i couldn't gaze in them, catch whatever glimpses i could of her journey and its continuances. alhamdulillah, still preserved much of the historical precedents where the Moon showed her light and every purpose became simultaneously bright(er), so i reach into memory banks, even sometimes forge the Future and her locks of yet unstroked brilliance, cascading raven methinks it is, but certainly closer examination on the couches of silk brocade and elegance is needed. so patience is my elixir, patience is my antidote, it is the cloth of my clothes, the sole of my boot, the weave of my hat, every thread that a human could need or wear, patience must comprise it, for the journey is long, longer than i imagined it could be, longer than 2020 made me think i might live to see, but i swear, feels like He pulls me along simply to be further tested, pulling out every misconception even as disillusion is a color of the skin i can't seem to get rid of, forward is the direction, willing or otherwise, Tomorrow with your bosom, embraced and free of quicksand forever, such is the hope this nomad lives to seek from life.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so many shades of resonance...

 

 

 

🏵

hard to tell where i am some days, many days, the one who inhabits my organs and cells isn't quite the me i'd call my self, it's the skeleton, the automaton, the machine made to pull through the muck each of his legs, one by one, until he's able to keep moving along. they can't fathom what it's like to have one like you, even if the orbit's a bit distant, He has let me retain a few hopes, and reunity with you is the spear of the chest that shatters open our cages. i'll live as many paradoxes as i have to, as many as He makes me endure, disseminated often into dust, gotten used to it now, every deed of mine is still that pebble i'm stacking one on top of the other, just so that one Day i get the chance to show Him my mound of pebbles and beg Him to accept something, anything, so i might be able to fill the vast crater that the absence of one's Moon is. be strong, light simply shines, even if i'm far, part of this reflection is what He made of you to me, so relish the echoes in the moments they come, savor their oscillations, like the most serene of breezes, we know these instances aren't yet infinite, but perhaps they should serve as reminders of what our aim is: Then, for ever and always iA.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

sometimes, wish i could let go all the questions, like unwanted luggage at a train station, forget the insights gained, become a wisp on the wind, a bird on a branch, the grassy blade never having or needing its sheath,...i'm only expressed to a fraction of a percentage, with as much the ones i'm presently surrounded with accept and show their meaning to me, there are moments my hollowness rings back to me, and i can see in part how i found so many beacons over my lifetime....because the searching never ended for me, after the Moon's orbit severed, all of life became the desert with all its sand, and me wandering from well to miles-apart well, glimpses inside my beloved where i longed to settle into, but couldn't, wished to cease my fucking endless trek that has me still walking, aimful but distant, oh so distant. you, all that you are, represent, express, all that you hope for/to give/to receive, i think of mortal strands, it's the only filling that takes the cake, fills it, covers it, the creme de la creme, the holy grail of a lover, finding acceptance and wholeness in the embrace of one's beloved. fam thinks they know me sometimes, it's hilarious lol. if i had the ability, i'd jump out of this earth's orbit and if i didn't find you in these skies, i'd go searching around the rest of the universe to wherever it is you live, and if this universe He'd cause to betray me again, i'd just open a door to another and another until the journey's question was solved and humanly filled. feels so long sometimes, i gotta be like a billion years old by now