Envisioned

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

for every moment i'm living and breathing, there's just one place that i'm chasing, one mortal i'm seeking, and when my time on this earth is up, all i am entrusted to Him while in the grave i'm waiting, not just for resurrection or confirming the truth of what i'd believed in, but simply to be able to gaze in your eyes with His permission, unbound by sin or strife or distance, an oath sworn by His love, to be reunited with the rest of myself, hidden in the core of your being. my state in these days, while i'm reduced in worldly purpose to that of simply surviving, has brought my ocean to the surface, a state in which emotion is oft there for me to swim in. no surprise, every other wave has traces of your memories, both past and future unmade, i thought i had buried that time capsule deep enough to not feel this so soon again, but life once more proves my ignorance of what is to come. still, i have no regrets or ill-wishes, every moment i've lived is an anchor to the future i envision: your hand in mine as our Eternity begins.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

alhamdulillah. For every turbulence I encountered in life, Allah has lead me through it. This latest difficulty is no different. While I still can't grasp the wisdom of it, the way of continuing forward is clear: that I never stop remembering Him. The blessings He's shown have always been innumerable, but sometimes it so happens that a certain kind of test comes along that takes all one's attention away and distracts a bit from a more complete remembrance. As usual, the road comes back around to Him, alhamdulillah.

Among my greatest fortunes from Him is that He allowed love to the be enduring pillar of my being. It is that which pulls together, the umbrella for every storm, the reason for my smile regardless of circumstance. It begins with a unique love of my Rabb, though not far down the list of those most precious is that same Moon, a light of mine that never ceased to shine. In the times that I could find no happiness from any worldly mortal source, He let her remain one whose thought reminded me of what makes an idealist/dreamer/lover tick. I don't know how often it is that people have a lamp like this to brighten their skies, but she is among the most beautiful, resonant, enduring reminders that bring me back to shukr, no matter what. alhamdulillah😊 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish i knew what to say, wish the words would come to me. 

wish my world didn't feel 

like it's falling apart 

at every seam.

maybe i could call this sadness, but don't really have the syllables for that. at this rate, can't see any of the path that leads me to my End, how is it then, that i would find your arms for the first time, find my heart restored to rightful place, when i'm dissipating from within? how would He make me worthy, if my flesh falls to pieces, and i fail the tests He puts forth, each of them as vast as my old abyss? 

Rabb, what words are there in speech for me to utter, that would ensure i find her at my journey's conclusion? Rabb, i am so completely blind, there is no future these old eyes can see, my present has obscured all my reason, stolen it feels all hope from me. i have not asked 'why', it does not bother me, but i must state for this record, how shallow i've become, how devoid of worldly meaning. my sole lament, same as the one i have always known in life, to be deprived of her hand when it matters most, when there would be so much her i wish to show. i can never be worthy of Firdaus, but even when this road is clouded, then where is there for me to go? i fear this falling short, of both worldly aims a husband must claim, and also of otherworldly goals that only touch upon the highest of Abodes. i've oft been splintered, shattered, molten, scattered, broken, agonizing, yet still a slave in garb he sometimes cannot recognize as his, a stranger in that same skin. 

Rabb, protect them from my pain, from me, from my absence, from my simply withering into the ether that i've always seemed. and especially her, my Moon, the best and strongest part of all i've ever been, the part that forces blood to all my organs, the heart without which i could not live. 

ameen

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

alhamdulillah, feeling better today with the body slowly approaching its normalcy once again. how strange the joy for simple taken-for-granted things like walking around easily, but dat's what it is to be human. i'm hoping this also means the hematoma from 2nd biopsy is disintegrating/being reabsorbed, so i don't have extra random irregular stuff floating in/around the abdominal cavity that shouldn't be there P_P

in more uplifting commentary, it's remarkable how even your dreams seem to be so regal. it couldn't just be an ordinary train, of course. it had to be something residential, worthy of being lived in, and if the image conjured by my mind is any indication, simply royal in its elegance. i love that, as i couldn't think of anything more befitting a Queen than this :)

somehow, you've always been that way. had a certain nobility and grace, a generous decency and integrity, like the only thing missing from your visage is the literal crown itself resting on your hair...only a matter of time until i can put that there iA.

 

medicated

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

pain, oh pain my friend, how well have i known you since,

the day i was born, 

the life i lived,

until the moment comes

where He calls me back to Him?

pain, of olden times when hearts were ripped and scarred, 

pain, of present days when skin is cut and cellgrowth is dismay,

pain, of nerves and signals in the brain, 

pain, the knife of attachment, 

pain, the fire of the cooking kettle, 

pain, my nearest acquaintance,

the first word of my dictionary, 

the crack of my shell - before love emerged from within as its solution.

i could write the word a million times, but would never reach its justice, never describe in full its import or its measure across the human experience, how it influences all our lives.

~

alas, i don't really care to write more of it. i know it well enough, it will come for me as He has written, so nothing more for me to add. i simply wish i could show enough appreciation for all the love i've been shown, put forth enough effort for the love i seek. at the moment, relatively in pieces, but should my constituent parts ever be reformed in this life, iA i can keep feeling and writing towards that end. 

 

"extra positive thoughts"

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some words, they could only have meaning if you spoke them. and you did. after reading these, all i could do was smile, because when my beacon tells me about positive thoughts..what else could i possibly think of? this, the advice of the one whom has occupied the vast majority of positive thoughts i've ever had? it's the most beautiful reinforcement this life could ever show me.

i fear if i keep writing now, more emotion may spill out, revealing just how much you mean to me. i thought i had quantified that already, but every so often it resonates in a way that makes this universe feel so tiny and i want you to know that too, want to make sure that this 'wave' surrounds you too, for the moment at least. alhamduilillah, just gotta breathe for now, let things take their due course, to find what's always been sought iA. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

from 2/11:

if words could be melodies to bring dying stars back to life with every gaseous breath they breathe, then your voice was such a tune for me. forgive me for this hyperbole, no other way to grasp with mortal means how joyous made the heart with what i could not expect to hear or see. in truest truth, neither life nor death bothers me a bit, as you've always been a beacon of mine for which this dunya all i give. remain at peace my dear Moon, sadness is not to be thy cloak, rather Love is yours to be held in and hold, in anticipation of the Day my Rabb lets it wrap you up whole.  

~

Alhamdulillah for the simplest blessings, ones we never saw coming, but ears reminded still of a goal most precious. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

swear i'm still alive, still breathing, even as at times i want to let go of what gives me meaning, like a weathervane, with wind just oscillating me between the poles of salvation and dissolution. i can feel the heart sometimes beat, sometimes rush back to me, but what is my welcome gift? who is next to me that i may share? my Gift a bit ways off, soon iA she should be here, but life won't stop me imagining how scattered i've become, pieces eroded into the ether, with all i can't control always at front and center of attention. my self is whom i must overcome, not dive back to sleep when prayer's time rolls in, my threads, my ropes, not quite as tenuous, as when i last faced the abyss a decade ago: when i tried to reassemble the love of all lifetimes from the shards of the soul, but it's nearly as climactic as seeing my life's record echoed and scripted on doctor's notes, thus undying hopes of touching even a tiny part of love before i die became as simply one more unknown. my solidity is melting, ghost that i have always seemed, though once my Moon sparked me back towards life, perhaps unintentionally, reminding me of the goal of Firdaus i must keep, even less worthy i may be, for me to try surviving for now until Then, survive this in-between.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Rabb of mine, if there was just one thing that i could ask, just one thing in all of creation, that i would seek to have, and hold, and keep eternally close: please let it be her, hand in hand. 

what is an earth without its Moon? how would its ocean make waves? how would it find coolness from the sun in shade? and if by stillness surrounded or evaporated in heat unabated, just how long would life survive on this earth, beyond mere shadow of what once existed?

in my mind, her face i can see, the echoes of her voice i hear, oh Rabb, i beg of You to complete for me what this blind man as yet could not have near, her painting brought to life, in Your highest Garden, for those who tried to persevere. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

can't ruminate on all the disappointments, have to let them go as quick as they come, like the flotsam of the sea, need to wait for it to dissipate, perhaps reach the pure water of the open ocean, holding in it what it is i seek. i don't know how to think of a gift that reaches my tongue as salt, a sweetness i found evaporated and replaced by a bitter taste that my sense of irony by now has grown fond of. i wish there were more understanding of people, than simply selfish need, or is selfless love so rare, that all we can do is consider it the scarcity of a dream? i once thought it was nice to be needed, then i reflected on how amazing it was to be loved, but what if those two things, need and love, were different spokes on the wheel of life, not the flip sides of a coin i thought them to be?

i have no answers to such trains of thought, my tracks are woefully short these days, long-term planning put to bed by what might be running in my cells totally side-ways, even yet i may reach for the melatonin, as tired and ready to sleep on occasion as i may have been, the beauty of deep sleep calling me to forget the questions my nature dives in. 

 at the very least, if my Moon can shine, if anything of life might evoke her smile, then of answers i have no need, for in that glow, exists the essence of all i hope to find, iA.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

there are some who meet me, and will only graze the surface, growing like grass in a field, taking what the top of the soil holds, and not much further. 

then there are those who meet me, and slip beneath the surface, somewhere close to the heart, not grasping the depth but able to lean comfortably nonetheless, a swimmer with an underwater cave of air and life.

aaand then there is the one who settled into my soul, as gently and innately as one cloud melds into another, their moisture and altitude equivalent, able and willing to coexist at every temperature, resonate with every breath, as if another's existence was a mirror to their own. 

given what i seek, this life could never suffice me. not with the treasures He has kept in store, not with the bliss i have longed to share, only one place is enough. though the truth is i couldn't say how far my time here goes. i simply have to keep extending what good i can, to whomever is in reach, for all the remaining time there is. some would rather not meet Allah, out of ignorance or not having kept their covenant. but of all the beings one could possibly meet, converse with, learn from, who could ever be more worthy than He? not a single other. there is much that only He knows, much that only He can judge, and i have oft wanted to gain some of that knowledge, and know, with Him, where I truly stand, the full measure of the self. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sigh. So this was supposed to be the week where docs were going to tell me the results of the biopsy and we'd have an idea of what we're facing. Turns out not to be the case, as apparently what they took out of me (using the surgical method that gave most tissue yield, ironically), was inconclusive. Now they want a pet scan next to get some idea what the mass is...smh. 

The waiting continues, though alhamdulillah incision is healing well and physically I feel like my old self for the most part. Wish I had more info to go on right now, but like with most things of my life, my Rabb sees fit for answers to take their own time. That is the qadr of Allah, He does what He wills after all.   

Truths

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

they cut me, they cut me, they went so deep, had me on a table, then put me to sleep, took out pieces of my flesh, trying to tell what it's made of, so maybe a cure might let me longer breathe. my first operation, not quite like the board game, scars still healing, left on the skin, this latest slice of Qadr, not something I ever imagined. but then, that is what it means to live: to face the unexpected, and try our best with it, overcoming or embracing, sometimes both in a single serving. Family and my beloved, showing their concern, wanting to know what's going on, and so I will keep changing, and be to them an opened door, always there to listen, or speak a bit on what they would have spoken for. I once wrote, that for my Muse to be free, my heart and chest must be kept open, by what I said was any means. I never thought there'd come a point, where flesh would literally need be sliced open, for lessons to be ingrained, never forgotten or let go of. this is my road, the lover's path to his Maker's Home, where he hopes he may be granted, every wish and blessing, compounded on top of everything his dear Rabb, has let him to already know.

just another revival

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

your message, like a drop of rain falling on my face, when the day was drying and water seemed so far away. so glad to know i was wrong, closer than i thought, couldn't stop the smiling, even if skies became cloudy or dark. my Muse, at a slight distance, doing well and sound in all that I could know of, another happiness to layer on top of my Gift's arrival (iA) not long off. life is not only sadnesses or tragedies, not just pain or misery, rather my Rabb permits me to find those moments where arrows are up, and Love smoothes over all the negativity, like buttery cream spread over bread finally made delicious and ready to eat. 

alhamdulillah:)

mortality

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

So I had this cough for quite a long while, thinking it was something but probably not too serious. Eventually I decided to get an x-ray done, turns out there was an obstruction/abnormality in the right lung. Docs looking into it, started an antibiotic, but further tests to come.

How I've longed to meet my destiny, and for a moment, it seemed closer to me than ever. Alas, I am not the one to determine how long I have. Death is but a door, yet I have a feeling He is simply keeping this situation as a reminder to me of what I'll have to walk through. 

May He make that moment one in which my imaan is solid and hopeful, ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah back from latest trip, learned a few things, one of them the emotional side of my Gift that I had never seen before but had oft wondered. Also learned a bit more of the depth of the trial that I will face in the remainder of life, what it means to have a wife and be a husband. At one time, disappointment and disillusion reached epic levels. At another time, I was struck by the certainty that this Gift was one that I'd never want to lose. But I have found that just because Allah granted someone something, does not immediately make it true that what was given is deserved. Much of what He gives does not have an answer, a correlating equivalent from human perspective. It's too great after all. Perhaps the most important realization though is that sometimes, maybe the very essence of life itself, can be summed up in the following way: simply trying to prove to Him that we are worthy of the blessings He gives, continually, in ways small and large, both internally and finding external/physical expression.

I wanted to post some writings from this trip and last January, that captured some of the sense of anathema I felt, the severity of contradiction. But I can't say if this would be wise. As spouses attempt to move on in life from every little and major hurdle they have in their marriage, constant revisitation (an old tendency of mine) is only somewhat useful. After a point, it has just as much chance if not more of being susceptible to shayateeni whispers and thus revived as a source of potential conflict. These kinds of things must be allowed to rest, and remain so, for people to accept moving forward. Though it is for certain, as much as He allows, that I'd never forget those moments of pain and absence of resonance and denial. But those times are now part of the historical record, especially as people grow and evolve together, old, relatively-healed wounds, should be kept in the filing cabinet, not re-examined for use as ammo against people we care about. The price of this, as with most things relating to the heart and growth, remains high, and maybe its pair in reciprocal is never found here. But such is the road of dunya, to try and always move past what has happened, so that the present is not poisoned and the future retains its glowing potential. InshaAllah these things become easier to absorb and enact throughout our lives. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Flight is tonight, inshaAllah the road gets a bit easier while not having to be in a state of apartness. I've found it pretty amazing to have both a short-term and long-term vision. I think either one is incomplete without the other, for this life still has to be lived as decently as we can so long as we live in it - but also having a particular aim for the long run is so essential to mental and emotion wellbeing. Dunya brings enough challenges that having a goal outside of it, a goal that surpasses it, a goal that encompasses it, can never be overlooked. 

Much of the reason I am who I am and I seek what I seek, has its origin traced back to my Moon.  A certain development and mutuality of these two kinds of souls leads only to one place: the hope for an eventual reunification and confirmation of what we'd known before, iA. 

I figure the time in-between should be interesting enough. Hopefully just in the right ways t_t

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One day, when we've both risen and found our place, I'm gonna sing every piece I ever wrote, give some vocal eloquence to those words that you evoked, let you know and feel and hear, all my sounds pour out of the soul, into the only vessel of their worth that He let me keep near. All this life is but a series of broken syllables, attempts at rhyme or evocation of feeling when surrounded by the material, but when it comes to you there's no barriers or distances, just two stars wanting to reach together their peak supernoval release of emotion. The need is great, I know, the want to hold starlight now, and close our eyes to the rest of what the universe tries to pass along as 'shine', but some beauty, this one among all the beauty that ever existed, worth the bit of wait so I can fashion all of your visions wrapped with my imagination, into a journey of breathlessness topped with ecstasy from every direction. ~~ GapBody line, indeed, smooth as silk perhaps, but couldn't be outdone by your touch I bet, like a thread of cloth pulled slowly back, therein is the subtly waiting flesh, ahh, yes! Only the finest of milk and honey to pour over my Cookie Monster laden sweetly with layers of delicacies, so many wonders, waiting patiently across the surfaces and hills of your contours, beckoning fingers to come and show them the finest of thrills. Indeed, indeed, many rivers await the conclusion of my fate, and may He make worth it all the taste, ameen. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Heading back across the pond to visit the Gift in a week or so iA, it's been some time since I've been able to feel that connection. As other difficulties and challenges pile up, I find myself dissipated, more of a shell than substance. Couldn't say if disappointment lies in wait or not, but gotta risk it nonetheless. 

Primarily my undercurrent these days is losing touch with Him and not really caring for it to be any different. Maybe it comes after being faced with a test, where the body fights itself, while trying to breathe it's as if death instead is being called, and it appeared that my present fate was undecided as to whether breathing is meant to keep one living or to bring one's demise. All I could ask for was clarity, for Him to not put me into a trial that had me in a state of ridiculously-inconceivable in-between. But He kept me in it for awhile, and I tried various meds and after various sleepless nights out of the past few weeks, the physical affliction seems to have ran its course (alh I suppose).

I haven't any gratitude for this. Even asking for life, most of that time felt like I wasn't living, and death was never granted, so aside from the pain of those moments, I have nothing for the experience except an ever-widening distance from my Maker. 

When one notices how often random little things go contrary to the self, through the course of a day, or week, (or lifetime), and adds them up...it's simply an immense amount of cynicism. So many paradoxes found, so many knife wounds dealt through the course of existence, the tally is such that I long for nothing except simply to survive the course. How will He plan the next challenge I face? Frankly cannot say I care. As it is, it would be semi-miraculous for me to pull through these intermediate states intact, and that probably is enough for keeping focus.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

subhaaaanaAllah, that is the most beautiful pic I've ever seen 😄

edit, 1/22/20: and to replace that with one of cutest pics ever? sigh, wish I was there to pinch her cheeks and give her a huge hug. just when I think I've understood the beauty of my beloved...smh....mA

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if every step i take was just so that i could see your face (in Firdaus), it'd make me an angel without disguise, a mortal clothed as saint, but i'm human through and through so sin is part of my fate, sometimes i can go forward and sometimes back, some moments i can see Tomorrow but then eyes fail me and so i relapse. this is how He turned you into something for me to chase, that i have to struggle to find khair, even when my tank is empty and the canvas i try to paint on appears blank, like i'm stuck in some demon's lair. it's strange, i know the high road, have walked it on occasion, have breathed its rarefied air, and thought myself an old soul antiquated in a time he'd never belong in, living and breathing but somehow still finding dessication. heart's been relatively silent, nafs finds its presence easily enough as blood flows through oxygenation, but what of my soul? what can i speak of it? sometimes it's as if i lost it during some period of catharsis, when i wasn't looking i subconsciously let it go because i knew what life would put it through. alas, perhaps this is simply overstatement, not quite as bad as i make it, but i know your visage is something that i truly miss, even as every so often i remind myself why i chose this road, just to find you at its end, iA. my intermediate states don't really matter, those moments they'll scatter like the wind after the snow's finished falling, worries melt into what tomorrows hold as new problems or temporary respite. so long as you can smile and laugh in earnest, move through life knowing you're always loved, find time to pray and give back to charitable causes, be kind to your parents like you've always wanted, then Tomorrow becomes something that's essentially a promise, with just one Door between me and those arms I belong in.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no Mirror, no reflection, absent I become from so much of what is brightness, wish I was a dolphin, echolocate your presence, even if eyes were closed, I’d know precisely where and how your heart was beating. I know the importance of silence, a modicum of distance, thus able to keep focus, and not lose sight of the road in the bigger picture. you’ve always been wiser than you know, understanding to complement the beauty, little things kept notice, for in them happiness distilled from memory. Sometimes I try to build on this, paint scenes from places of Then, but so much remains a blank slate, for I can’t quite see past the moment when we've embraced. You've always been the ink of my brush, my Muse, my Moon, glowing as bright as her truth, given life to color with that first touch, a meeting of mirrors where I get to show you Love, iA. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so for the past few days, maybe most of the week, often times when I'm driving home, or otherwise walking unoccupied, simple stray thoughts came to mind, like a litter of cats looking for refuge, from the deluge outside.

most of these, I simply echo their meows, but I don't write down what was said, leaving their meaning to float into the wind, free like the moment they arrived. a few were conversations with Him, things that could not be repeated, my commentary on the irony, so often it's present, my finger on its throat makes it palpable, yet no easier the breathing. 

like an audio record without inscription, a vase without flowers, a galaxy without planets, a kettle without water, an earth without core,  a hurricane without eye, all of these in essence a traveler with a destination he cannot find. limbs moving but the soul is obliterated, heart emaciated, skeleton is clothed but the flesh bearing marks of everything his inner is absent from. I know He may choose to cover me with everything from this life, but that won't make any less than the choice that is mine, seeking beyond these limits at the end of my time, that one Moon to complete what is the puzzle, so one might at last be near to that which shines.

 

Endlessly

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gotta say alhamdulillah, even if it hurts, no other way to find the silver lining, and unzip it slowly to see what's behind the curtain, perhaps something to caress, and kiss starting with the surface: in this meshes a need from now with a Future unmet. wish i could delineate all the possibilities, or even a fraction, expressions of love manifested in a pair who waited a lifetime for an Eternity of having. no barriers, no distance, no gravity to hold our feet down, unless we so willed it, imagine those wings, the sky at our fingertips, for those who chose forever, these would be just the start of His gifts. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, got an extra hour (woot) and figured out part of my Python assignment. Life progressions coming even despite some wavering of the self. Something that's been on the mind on/off lately about my connection to my Rabb:

When I'm nearer to Him, I can't imagine ever being distant. When I'm farther away, I feel I can't sustain ever being near again.

Being close, comes with the knowledge of having one's needs taken care of, being able to appreciate that which one does not have, of being grateful daily, of knowing my Guardian has final sway over all matters.

Being apart, it is as if I am the only person in the human race who is adrift on an ocean I could never control, whether it be the heart, or the external tumult of life that tries to impose itself.

The price of nearness is not something that can be understated. Wanting to stick with one's Rabb, in contrast to every other force in life that's either trying to delude or grab attention, is not an easy pill. Interestingly, though I've thought I would swallow it, the self still rebels at times and all that's left is the skeletal phenomenon where bodily movement of living and worship happens, without an anchor into the meaning and need for such things. 

Ultimately though, if a person can see their blessings, there's nothing quite like this connection to Allah. Rabb is gonna be Rabb, at the start of the day and its end, through darknesses and light, He's the first one to seek.