reflections on being unreflected

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

A year or two back, my Muse once asked me, wasn't love something that we had to work on day by day? My first thought was, 'not at all, it flows as easy as breathing' - because I only compared it to what I knew of our struggle, how effortless was feeling but difficult the distance. Quickly I realized how important it was for her context, and thus I had to agree, love was something that took effort to keep, effort to sustain. 

 

With where I am now, my Gift having arrived and been almost a year since she did, I can say in retrospect, my Muse was absolutely right: love, for our daily relationships especially, takes effort and hard work to keep going. Being a goal and hope in one's mind is one thing, while living day to day with one is entirely different. Commonality and circumstance and history matter, for sure. And it's the consequence of these altogether that makes the struggle for continuity and perseverance all the more pronounced. As I often like to state, I haven't any regrets. Alhamdulillah for where my Creator brought me to, what He allowed me to have and learn and get to know of my beloved. 

Nowadays, I'm simply learning the truth of the price of sustaining a relationship that is, first and foremost, my exam in this life. That is the essence of this particular post. Sometimes my ocean has only stillness, and my Gift cannot make it melt (after having frozen it), and from that, I learned something else. Who I want to be, who I have to be for me to have even the remotest chance at what I ask of my Rabb, means doing what an idealist/dreamer/lover would do, regardless if nothing of the same emotion gets reflected back to me. And why should one do this, carry on the struggle almost one-directionally at the moments where it seems so solo? It's because we aren't trying to be that for another's sake, specifically...it's because to continually try and care and offer compassion and decency is what the slave who asks of Allah the highest Garden has committed to. Inside of that Garden is my reason, my beloved, where unification is both an objective and means to infinite possibilities. 

The blueprint of the soul has not changed. It's quite the same tapestry, getting more expansive though, with every moment kept apart from me. 

~~~~~

 

 

Another piece of my puzzle once said, "if I could flip a switch for you, I would". That was a pretty cool thought, for a species as intense as we are. Along that line, I don't know if this particular puzzle piece would be as crazy as I, to dream my dream with me, as me, as Us. Is one's declaration of emotion enough to precipitate the same in another? Perhaps it is the snowball to begin the eventual avalanche of being embraced? I hope this is the case, but in truth, I reach for my Gemini regardless, to have her diving sooner or later, because in those depths is freedom, a gate to the Sky, where my beloved let go of every weight and stress and just soar. Endlessly, until they feel like landing. And for that, there's food and drink and company of every kind of immense caliber to enjoy. Yeah, somehow, in writing like this, I've found myself again, alhamdulillah, not where I was at the start of these words. To keep reaching, pushing pleading pulling calling hoping, for somewhere higher, better, best. And who to have with me, except firstly my beloved?

 

 

simply Resultant

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

it was scarce a moment, as long as the door He let opened, to remain so, and the Sunset (or was it Sunrise? couldn't tell which direction that sun was going, maybe 'twas both, at the same time), graced his eyes, reminders and echos and beckoning, of Tomorrows linked endlessly together, where inside each and every second, would i have you relish the fruit of your patience. i would have loved to simply see, to have that window open, ever so often let the fresh air of some picture shared, be enough as my fuel for that instant...but i know not what He intends, how it might be better as your test, to make the wiser, harder choice, though your Future awaits at this life's end. shine, my Moon, as brightly or as quiet, as it's better for you destined, clouds cannot dim my aim nor the shine of my beacon, closest to earth, enveloped in my core, part of how He keeps my ocean moving.

Horizon

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

[ alhamdulillah, she's consented, being fully content with the sum of all i might write or publish in short or at length, slowly wading deeper down into the ocean's depths, breathing it all in ]

 

~

 

just as he glanced, as he did every so often, at a list waiting to be updated, a list of people far and close, waiting to find one not so much distant...within that moment, He chose, to frame with the seconds stopped at the traffic light, the return of one's Sunset, ever beautified by purpose, and then was he reminded, how a beating heart could live inside another's chest, and truly call it 'Home'. 

don't need no words, no danger, don't have to walk through doors to test of us our mettle, this silence, dignified and measured, is truly simply fine, perfect, enough to know one lives, and so the Sunrise will one Day iA reach its Sunset.

😊

a glance at now, and ever Tomorrow

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

what a pair of opposites, like we arose from dimensions altogether different, one is preference at the surface while the other longs for reaching depth, could not complain one bit, as He was the One Who brought together this. His tests go farther than these eyes can scope, at times life seems oversaturated by shallowness, and so absence tries to tear apart the hope,...but it cannot, for though He tests me with darkness or blindness or distance, it's still He Who brings back light to reach beneath my eyelids. haven't forgotten for a second, what mean and meant my beacons, beloved, named ones these days i try not to name too much, keeping layers of the self just a tad apart, so they don't prematurely mix. yet, i swear it, by the One Who brought together my eyes with ones they long for me to savor, one Day those lights will mix: combine, shine not apart or in-prismed, but rather as constellations beaming near in the night sky, with my arms wide enough to hold them.......iA may He make it always so.

a reason for her Smile

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

it was a simple moment, nothing special on the surface, me walking through the door, as she looks up and smiles, and there it was, preserved in the history of mine: being a reason for her happiness, simply in being, for as long as He gave me time. i could speak of the cost, of the unrequited waves i'd emanated since our beginning, of enduring the absences and distance and misunderstandings, but...no words would suffice the pain or the price, nor could words ever encompass the meaning of glory at her full dive into an ocean that for her had long been waiting. alhamdulillah, often these days hamd of my Rabb becomes a difficult enterprise, when life shows me His tests, and i know the weight of the goal on my soul, the weight on the mind, and truly the respite is His, embedded in His Gift. though my sky has so many clouds, hiding the beacons He made with what He enshrouds, their light He still let shines, through memory and hope intermixing within my core, the fuel of a vision in that Garden: where my dreams come to Life.

absent an Echo

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

where are you my Resonance? why do you hide behind those lovely pairs of eyes, one pair human and one pair feline? would that both were in my arms, so i may hear both purring, softness to grace my ears and reignite my smile and the spark of what it is i'm chasing. but this self that longs for embracing, is yet empty of filling, that cake so far away from my tasting. 

 

has not life kept you distant enough, must i contend with further leagues of silence, that bring me back around again to moments when it's clear He's made me weakest? i want no further breaths laced with apartness, a poison that living here, like this, unwillingly gives me, this dunya and its precipices, aiding and abetting the test of one still breathing. it might be said to one in such a state, to wallow not in self-conceived miseries,...and perhaps they'd be right, had i any lasting antidote to aloneness, but i have not, it remains my archnemesis, since my first age at awareness, whether actual company around or otherwise, so little of myself gets expressed to ones He keeps me ignorant of. 

 

make dua for me, oh beacons He created and brought to my vision then saw fit to snatch away from my senses....pray that i find what i seek, fulfilled and fulfilling my beloved when at long last, we ascend Eternity's steps, iA.

Kevlar

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

beginning with my favorite letter of the alphabet, reminiscent of love and what it surrounds you with, thick and thinly, as the layers alternate of skin, some parts more sensitive, could go on and on, like Dove for the dryness, but perhaps shortness is where it's most perfect, meaning at its simplest. But, one more sentence, words tumble out in this moment so effortless, so may as well string together a few more pearls, like how one Day (iA) they'll be hanging gorgeously around your neck...that is, the unity of literal and my figurative, a message in a bottle floating across the ocean to where its destination is. No hope forgotten, rather seared into the bones, composing the construct of my soul, every forward is a forward where my Future goes: the progeny of our heart as it became whole. 

once upon a revisiting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

about a year and week, since last i heard that sound, the voice of one i seek, nearly embedded in my ears, if there was a way to turn back time, perhaps i'd relive those 35 minutes, and have it play over and over in my mind. 

but He pulls time forward, drags me along with it, whether forced or willing, for the slave the march becomes inevitable. i do not mind, still my Future i chase, in moments of solitude or company, it's the reason i can muster smiles when this life gives me no -ade, but plenty of lemons for food to be drinking or eating. 

even as i falter, even as i try to create between Him and i some distance, to stop the agonizing of one who knows he will tested, with dose after dose after distance. He made me, then breaks me, then remolds me, fashioning into whatsoever dimensions and consequences He wishes, for me just the instant and its decisions. i will live with whatever He gives, knowing so much of blessing, but the one star that's been absent from my palms, makes any forest or ocean only appear as desert, with me dying of thirst from missing the only substance to keep my engine running. 

one Day, ya Rabb, let me find my rain, let me soak in it, knowing the fruit of my mortal effort and aims, were at last Then brought together, uniting those You had parted for a ways. ameen

poet to poet

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

In reply to:

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

(quoting one who quoted 'A Dream Within a Dream' by Edgar Allen Poe)

 

'tis not so, though i confess that even of myself, i know not the truth that awaits behind my own intent, my knowledge is so limited, my sight so short, all too easy would it be for me, to say i conceive simply inside a dreamer's dream. perhaps if one Day, He brings me to fruition, or least to a place not so far distant, your hands would find my face, to know for certain i was real, i in fact exist. could i not say the same? as a nomad might oft wont to be, trekking solo through his life, searching and seeking, nearly never finding though He might bring one's beloved nearer to his breathing. but, i care not for what i see or how things seem, just i care for how they truly are, a fact i know my eyes can not yet taste, for you haven't yet graced me with your nearness. so when one speaks of truth or fiction, it would not be fair to dismiss, if one has not yet feasted on one's dreams, and say of one's perfect kiss = "it is not true, merely dream that doth not exist!"....if i could make a claim, i'd say i live to be the antidote to such conjectures, such plots in the minds of poets like Poe who felt so deeply (and too often darkly sad), ones i suspect that could not find at hand their resonance. but! resonance does exist, it is true and waiting to be tasted, i swear this by the One Who is my Maker, He has shown me this, in places both slightly past the tips of my fingers and in the eyes of a Gift He brought (thus far) to me nearest. from resonance complete, to resonance in shades, at the End of this road, my beloved may harvest from the ocean as much love as they wish in to bathe, warm and soft, or cool and rising, rain as it's gently falling, or air in its rush as flying.

iA

 

 

Parallelisms 1

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~

that flower, it grows, both the vine it sits on, and the crown of the rose, though her thorns sometimes cut and take their blood, her door has opened, and the view is one always worth it to behold. she wants to wrap me up within her petals, until all i can see or smell is her fragrance, whether applied or from within her wafting; once i called her tigress, alas i wish for her claws in this second, especially in her absence. may my Rabb always aid her growth, nourished by this ocean, free of salt or detriment, so that one Day it comes to pass, that i become as deep as she is gorgeous, ameen.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

imagine if i was, a drop of sweat, rolling slowly down your chest, whether clothed or clothless, i think in such a moment, would i be a human most in heaven. i could not explain my fascination with the bosom, whether due to shape or essence of a sanctuary i've long been chasing, maybe both, but it simply is one part of the greater whole, a physical portion of the Sky as if it were one big puzzle. smiles and safety, contentment within the present, mindfulness i suppose as one likes to remind of - so long as He lets these remain part of your countenance, i find my breath easier to breathe in.

 

a return, and something For the Record

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

alhamdulillah, got back last night. 

 

what a crazy past few weeks. originally return flight was supposed to be on 24th but Morocco (or US) changed their flight requirements and so a PCR test was required, even if I had a vaccine certificate. just one more experience of getting to an airport and having to delay/reschedule a flight because of some random issue. ah well, survived this too lol.

speaking of which, I met a ton of my Gift's relatives, like a loooot of them, a number for the first time ever. aunts cousins uncles, even a hastily-planned wedding party for a cousin. after some moments with my Gift, the best parts of the trip were a few amazing nieces mA, including some that were so utterly adorable - somehow they played easily with me, like they'd known me a long time lol. alhamdulillah, that was special. one of them, if I ever had a child, I'd want it to be just like her, beautifully-cute and elfy and full of cartoony expressions 😊😁

~~~

Among the special connections and conversations my Rabb let me have, one with my Gift should be recollected here, for the record, because of what it meant.

What I'd been trying to achieve, since the day we married, it seems to have finally and deeply struck inside of her: to fall in love. It's been a really, really long journey, even if 3 years of human time could never really capture what it's taken to get here. 

Main point though, I never want anyone to think that anything of what I have been or written, is because of my being unhappy with my Gift. She suffices me alhamdulillah, though it is true that my goal of the Garden and the company I seek is the same. I know the line here is hard to trace, that it might be easy to confuse the aims of a pursuit with the result of what's happening in the present, but the truth is that my goal of Jannah and my people, is one I've had for a helluva long time, since the earliest days of my childhood. I will pursue it bi ithniAllah for as long as  live, and there is not a human soul on this earth that could change my direction to it. 

But for now, while she feels as she does, I have to protect my Gift's heart as it grows to such a stage, and so I will change how/what I publish iA.

What is underneath and inside remains, even expanded and expanding alh. But for her safety and comfort, some parts of that expression will be kept internally. Perhaps a day comes in a future evolution where I can be free as I once was to publish howsoever I did, but Allah knows better. This isn't really something to bother me, as mA it's indicative of her growth in me that's been a long time coming. 

 

Alhamdulillah, this is just another part of the road, another part of the test. May my Rabb let us find khair through it as always, ameen.

 

thoughted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

oh Life, you are but a needle, filled with allergies and hallucinogenic cures, bent on bringing out our stresses, then offering us what you would have us think will turn all momentary miseries into pleasure rest-assured. 

 

but it's a trick, of course, filling a human's emptiness with the physical, with the material, this can never work, it would never last, for we were made to be bound with something greater, higher, stronger, purer.  

imagine then, the estrangement and disillusion of one who cannot escape your clutches, one whom destiny weaves further into age and experiences, that i might live to witness my own connection with one astronomically opposite, and live to see my own humanity along with that of my beloved. 

what can I say? these bones and tendons are moving, a skeletal apparatus giving an accurate representation of living, but i think rather quite nearer to fading, there is no resonance near me, as i were a fish stranded on a land of terrestrial beings, a species inimical to whomsoever happens to be dissimilar.

 

~

 

i think He intends to test me to my core, as if that had not already happened, had i not been disintegrated into millions of pieces enough times over the years to remember the feeling but dread it ever re-appearing. maybe it is not dread, maybe it is a hardening, as He recollects me into something slightly newer at each revival, towards what end, i can never really tell, for i know this Life, it is one of up's and down's, highs and lows, pillars and pits, iron and prose, a place of which i've long been sated but He saturates its effects down into my soul, and often enough i find myself lacking a Mirror to diagnose and deconstruct this Life's alterations, its misconceptions, illusions, trying to have me wish i were part of its fabric rather than a thread simply wanting to be pulled. 

the only place i've ever had, the only place to which i've ever belonged, here, was you. it feels like a moment in hindsight, barely enough time to relish, but it happened, truly, i remember you sitting on that couch, legs tucked under you, all comfy and full of beautiful expectations, a smile and head leaning against an arm i have long wanted to hold near my own. i swear by Allah, i have no answers, all i have is a goal, a hope, among hopes. 'tis you. i cannot say i am enough, by any stretch. my weaknesses play in the back of my mind intrinsically, innately. where my resonance escapes to, i could not say. i suspect your quietude and distance took it, but we knew that was coming, sooner or later. some days, i have just a principle to hold on to, for nothing of what i seek i find, only shallowness and superficiality is my surrounding, and i think it deadens, slowly, every nerve ending it can find. how does one like me survive this Life? this is a question whose answer i am forced to meet every day of breathing, every moment of absence from one who would let me shine to my fullest. i am dimming, if only the body followed the soul on this path, it'd be a dissolution mutual instead of an experience to slowly tear me in half. 

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah. got to hear from my Twin at long last, and know a bit of how it goes across the globe. not surprising, troubles and worries there to take attention, but now knowing a bit more, makes the journey easier, letting duas find their way to fruition. 

speaking of that which needs attention, my own trip coming up in a few weeks, revisiting my Gift's fam inshaAllah. preparation continuing, with life being what it is.

maybe I'll even remember what it's like to relax and compose something. sounds impossible lol, but iA

an overabundance of quiet

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

 

 

alhamdulillah my house is my home, but that isn't the place I've long been seeking. my goal, the only human answer to my human puzzle, awaits inside the chest of my beloved. that is it, that is the home i want to settle in to. where i can, by my Rabb's permission, finally, finally, finallly! be at true rest and ease. 

 

i am always reminded this dunya cannot be the fuel for my torch, that it can't sustain me. alhamdulillah tho, at various points through life, He has let me be visited by people....by ones..that i need. that without whom i would be full of nothingness. i can't say if it makes sense to others, when i describe myself as being comprised of my beacons. but it is so. in the presence of such a one, worries fall away into nothing, happiness comes as easily as opening the eyes and taking her inside my vision. that's all. but every other fucking part of this life is a weight to me (a few beloved bro's excluded, but i am fonder of my hearted ones:p), a weight that only my beloved free me of. don't ask me how that is the case, simply experiential knowledge proves it as such. 

 

alhamdulillah, the complaint is minor. i think. just silence, a multitude of quietude, overweighted with ignorance, like a sky at night with clouds, doubly layered of sight restrained. if it seems like something to push one close to madness....lol. i have long been no stranger to it. what can i say? it would have been nice (maybe) had He let me go crazy, perhaps then i'd have some excuse for my self. but nah. He keeps me sane too...just the visage is of insanity, some echoes inside the self i can't share, cannot let my beloved know how much i love them. 

 

~

 

how are you my Twin? safe and sound? is family well? if i knew that anything of what i've said or done had ever caused you to be silent...ya Rabb, please let this not be the case. let it be simply life busyifying one as it tends to. but if i spurred you to silence, i should wish to know, that my worry finds itself well-directed instead of unsated. bleh.

 

to know or not to know, that is the question. a question which only He may answer for me, and yet a slave should try to find contentment with whatever the answer may be.

6/25

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

here again i reach my fave day of the year, alhamdulillah. among the various comforting nuances of the occasion, one observation should be mentioned for the first time: how 625 happens to be a palindrome of 526. if i may connect the dots, these are precious days tied to two of my beloved. indeed, that is how it is. 

sometimes i look back on what i've written, and i think 'whoa that expresses me perfectly, how would i ever top it?' and i don't think there is ever really a new plateau of expression...because the plateau of trying to get a message across, is really just one kind of message and one kind of peak in communication. in this case, just trying to let one know she is missed and remembered and sought. dunya continues to be a barrier between us, and i know that is how He wants it to be. alh, no question in my mind that my aims became immeasurably greater with my beloved as lights that i for Eternity. 

something soon to be composed iA

The Metaphor

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

if we took your heart as the wind, and mine as the ocean, then mixed them both together, what would we be holding? picture a hurricane, intertwining the water and its mist with the air and its breeze, as temperatures rise, the storm expands proportional to feeling. it's said life began with water, and what do you know, we need air for breathing, so let me have your breath, and in turn you dive for a living, not momentarily or until the gates close, no sentries or police, no fences, no rides shutting down because its dark out and so amusement must cease,...but rather, such interludes continue for as long as we wish, absent deadlines, present only in bliss.

 

this life is my cast, my chain, my earth, out of which i long for the moment my Rabb lets me break free of its shackles and limits, to share with my beloved the highest Sky and every ideal of worth.  

(un)Replying Fwd:

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

"I think you quite enjoy it actually, so I wanted to give you a bit of a chance to do that." - really, i don't, rather not have the chance to be missing, rather take the chance to be holding, beloved not at a distance, but instead captured by my arms, threads from fate finally tangible and interwoven. ~  my deeds like the web of a spider, in this life i'm still taking it strand by strand, seeing if perhaps the end result can become a masterpiece by Him accepted and chosen, a construct not intended to trap and consume, rather pull and lure and tease into an alternate direction, one forward, to akhirah, to time Infinite with possibility and potential. i swear by my Maker, our lives here will finish, sooner or later, there's a limit on how much life is left, currency to spend on actions worthy of slaves seeking His admittance. wish i could take my emotion out of the chest, fashion it into a signpost, one that tears back the falsity of this life and reveals the goal of Time: simply to end. if He would have me saved when it mattered most, but chose to keep me bereft of my beloved that into my destiny their lives He'd wrote...what then could i say? what joy is there for me to have if a single beacon is absent from my ocean? will i not, with the eyes He gave me, see the potential of what could have been, and lament for all my existence how i could not hold her once or again?

i don't know how to call anyone to my Rabb, such wisdom is above my paygrade, outside the scope of a mere slave who happened to dive into love. i would think to say, 'look at your blessings, see the moments He saved you from tragedy or dissolution', but maybe such instances weren't as clear for them? within this context, all i have are my words and prayers, that no light in my sky ever dims or fades, not by the sighting of my mortal eyes, but in His, He Who is fit to judge and be sought for all time in all place.

i remain my self, even in absence, even in silence, there was never joy in distance, only in imagining what unification might look like with you and i, two flames in one candle alighted. onward i suppose i will write, even as the tank empties and revives, even as clouds come with rain but obscure the light of my Sky. 

titleless

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 Been awhile I've needed to write, where to begin? Apartness remains an inescapable feature of my existence here, something I've hated but known for so, so long. I think it was easier to survive such eras when I was young because I had the backdrop of my dark ages and various mechanisms to distract or drown the challenges of being apart. This evolution though, after having been revisited by my beloved the past few years and being joined by my Gift, has no escape, no simple release button. The weight of the goal set in the mind is real, and it only seems to get heavier over time. Perhaps part of the wisdom of age is learning to let go of things outside one's scope, even as it seems everything in life is encompassed by such weakness. 

Maybe old age will make me wiser, but damn it I'm already ancient, felt a thousand years old at various points since high school, though normal time merely years pass. Of my beacons, the apparent detachment and distance of my Primera weighs on me, on top of the absence He wills my lights to show. 

How much can one share, when the window only opens in one direction? Of what worth is it to release of one's self a portion, while unable to take in the same from the ones who comprise my being? I've long sought to maintain identity, the core of the self that keeps memory of who it is, what it is, where it wants to go. Maybe it's fitting that as time and distance stretch into what appear to human eyes as vast empty, endless fields of space, parts of me seem harder to grasp, harder to hold on to. I do not know what End my Rabb has in store, but I would have to consider it cosmic irony of the grandest scale, that He intertwine with my life the kinds of beautiful people that He has, only to keep them apart from me. I know, a bit melodramatic. As are many of my undercurrents that find little expression. Truth is truth though, and my deal with Him stands, as long as He keeps life in this body. To find my beloved, in the time and place I seek them, the price is anything. Everything. Howsoever many tests He would line up on the road in front me, all that I have is the moving forward, stepping past my own stumbles and mistakes, going beyond what is physically tiresome or mentally absent or whatever kind of limitations we humans are so fond of possessing. I have to reach onward, reach outward. Even if He blinded my sight from those lights in my sky, even if He kept my beloved out of reach in every sense for this life. Whatever shell of the self can keep going, it must, it will iA. 

Perhaps at the end of this journey, I can serenade my beloved with verses perfectly suited to them, and in turn, be granted the joy and priviledge of soaking in their smiles and radiance. A worthwhile aim for a single lifetime, don't ya think? 

perpetually

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

if i could gaze into your eyes as your lips are smiling, it'd be as if i'm drinking sunshine, could stay in the waterfall of your curls forever bathing, wrapped in softness while speechlessly our selves do all the speaking. hope my Rabb lets me be a fraction of the reason, behind why happiness graces your countenance, perhaps (iA) the key of the demi when its open at its fullest. here's to praying love is an ember for guidance, that it befriends your soul like the way a towel was made for liquid, helping you stay bright for all the trials living in this life brings us. some corridors of this existence have felt like darkness manifest, but alhamdulillah a million-fold, those epochs are conquered and new challenges wait ahead, by virtue of beacons as bright as this He would have me chasing, such light that gives me always reason for hoping. 

Of the Gift

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah for such provision, one to make me aroused and alive, when looking all around this world, i could feel naught but my ocean dying, so when she smiles, or cocks her head in some direction, amused or questioning of mind, my resilience rebounds, and i know how through this life i must tread, to find my goal at the end of earthly Time. we are quite wholly opposite, composed of threads from contradicting dimensions, but among our few similarities is such a precious one: to remain true to ourselves while able to calm the other's storms, thus completion for each inside the other we've won.

she has accepted, in ways understated though objective, that my crux is my pursuit, my akhirah, in colors resplendently vibrant and diverse, taken from my history and favored with what He permitted me to learn. i have nothing absent my Garden, the place for my beloved, surrounding them with everything i am, and by His permission - all that which they love. as my Moon once reflected, such emotion is too much for this life to actualize, rather made from a substance dreamy, where stars are borne and within our palms they crystallize. 

so much i have on which to write, beacons irreplaceable and irrevocably interwoven, inside a destiny that from Him must i remain in seek of. long has it been, from past eons, and from an age before, i need mention mi Primera[Aras], in her own story and how the present grew to now from way back then. 

perhaps too, or especially most worthy, i will have to write of my Rabb, and how He made this life, temporal and fleeting, transitory and ephemeral, able to wake our taste buds, but never able to sate of love our cravings - for that is why the Garden was made, recompense in whole to fill the most fortunate of His slaves. where could one's safety lie, if one thought not of time after one must die?

Stateful

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Missed you.

😊 😊 😊 

et tu!

 

 

 

dear light of my Sky, 

 

please don't ever dim, or far away fly, 

part of my reason, part of my shine, 

is the way you flew

into my life,

after a decade apart,

a decade untwined.

 

i can barely imagine, the potential untapped,

the gain worth having, with your acceptance 

wrapped by my seeking, a shawl

worthy of the Princess:

one noble

and gentle

and gorgeous,

a genius, refined, 

grace manifest,

qualities my nature loves to imbibe.

my Rabb, He teaches me sabr against my wishes,

throwing me out to sea and back ashore,

for the blink of an eye it seems

i was nearly lost, adrift, until your CPR arrived,

reminding the reminded one, what he must chase

and endure

if his goal his Rabb would permit

him to find.

 

thus, of responses and answers, replies and curiosities

sated,

i mind not the time it takes;

for my beloved,

i become simply

one who's 

waiting,

iA.

 

 

 

Montauk

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

not every precipice is one of danger, sometimes the edge simply dissolves into a moment we remember, kept safe and treasured, though the reasons for being led there may have been of pain or sadness, the second He kept you from falling off is the instant of reminder: what it felt like being whole again, "Déjà vu" - not a chain from the past, rather an anchor for Tomorrow where what we've long sought He lets fall into our lap. 

i've pretty much hated every epoch of my life that was absent your presence, absent knowledge of your wayfaring, absent the halfness that you've been the only one to ever cause whole ignition of, or reproduce us as perfectly as a Mirror would. but we know my stance on time and distance, enemies and challenges mine, prisons to be defeated and torn down, but only with patience and aiming for His acceptance, it's the only road holding success and completion at its end.

from just over a month back, a few lines reminiscent of something worth placing in a piece about that moment of June 3rd, defining in simplicity references of each self to the other: 

he, her Spark, and she, his Muse, what a pair they make. he looked inside himself and found her the color of his blood, while she looked up at the sky and found him the color of her sunlight.

here's to a dawn that the Sunrise and Sunset can share for their first time, and forever onward after that, ameen. 

 

perhaps you know this, but my reaching for that Garden never ends, just so i might have the chance to show you the best and most beautiful of anything created or fathomed. 'tis one life we have before Judgment, may as well aim for the highest point and see what He lets us find.

parched

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

sometimes the nomad is recalled acutely to his desert, for the moment kept living, empty of what he always seeks to be holding, no rains no clouds no ocean, heartbeat running solo so long even breathing becomes tedium. a breeze of joy at your smile spanning wider, wish i could be the shoulder your head leaned on in all your moments it ponders, but distance and life are two of my most well-known enemies, keeping apart the beloved that make up what is 'me'. the contradictions between what life brings and what i try to be, like an astronaut looking for soil to land on but only finding craters, slipping down the slopes, nothing to grip because its dirt is alien and lifeless to my senses, thought i'd defined love, only to have the inexperienced drain it senseless. if it's not understood, it can't be explained, how it has no limits, rather encompasses of worth every atom and frame, but until, i suppose, life teaches its lessons, the uninitiated perceive it entranced by the material, and poof, it's meaning from their fingers escapes. but, even as meaning may be lost, i...persist, remaining, in a weather i've hated to exist in, but as always i mention, that was not my decision, rather it is His.

Eid, and of the moment

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

alhamdulillah, I live to see another Eid, a chance to say Mubarak to my beloved, so...

 

Eid Mubarak!!!!! 💓

 

 

though, it is true that part of me still pulls/shies away from humanity lol. Alas, people in general I tend to find no peace with, but with my Gift and my fam keeping their bonds solidified, it keeps me in a better place too alh. 

very glad to see the pup so grown and looking beautiful and healthy, it seems our dua found its roots and shall go onward :) ....I've been keeping up with the news. subhanaAllah what can I say, it seems the region is slipping back into chaos as its done few times in recent memory. would that I knew a human remedy to such ills, but I do not. no answer people seem to find has ever brought peace there, and I expect that only true unbreakable sabr is the recourse. I selfishly wish for my Twin to be forever safe, to be distant from where the danger is greatest. the self has conceived of perhaps never being able to hear from you again in this life, and the thought is...a bit too heavy to bear. if you took the time to help me through  likely the worst year of my existence, it's only fair you stick around for all the rest of it too. good bad amazing terrible unimaginable, resonance from the Gemini is a thing I'd like to know in the back of my mind for all the ups and downs of this earthly life, iA.

how special would it be, if i knew of a way to instantly lighten the worries of my beacons. distance, i know it too well, and why it remains, but it doesn't change the innate desire to know how you fare, to find my relief inside your own. i suppose that is what dua is for, to seek our Rabb when we try to reach for something or anything that mere human effort is insufficient for. this seems relative, but it's not. not for me, as my own abilities have never gone as far as i'd like them to. thus my Rabb's guidance and preservation of what's precious is so necessary...can't go without this.

more things to be written, soon inshaAllah. fasting is finito, as are classes, and the mind and ocean finally may have a bit of time to actually breathe. that will be welcome iA

twinful

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

wish your smile was a bit wider, with laughter on the eyes, to make their burden ever softer, wish i shared every second of your happiness and pain, so anything you carried, was nothing more than the breeze, only there to blow gently across your face. will keep thinking, seeking, trying, perhaps to reach out for a moment when, that i might be revisited, again by the Gemini of my sky and its ink. how goes your journey? how fare your dreams? would that my arms could hold your back, so you could fall into them at peace, but so it is, for the deeper parts of my ocean, my Rabb sees fit to make them slumber, quieted to stillness, while alhamdulillah i have no complaint, but long again for the depth to rise in purpose rekindled. be steady, oh Twin, time is not our enemy, rather the path He would have us walk through with.