Picturesque

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wow..subhanAllah...that sky, that scenery, utterly gorgeous. 

the setting reminds me a bit of something from last September, a reply to a piece about feeling like you'd passed through an area without having left any mark. i dunno about that, because if i had to guess, i see myself as these trees, simple pure natural shades of fall and greenery - able to be so primarily because their sky (you) gave its rain and decided to be so fulfilling and beautiful. which leaf wouldn't love to be underneath such a canopy? 

not to mention, seeing this made me happy. lol, granted, anything remotely from the same time zone as yours could have the same effect, but there's a certain undertone that isn't lost on me. maybe i'm just predisposed to connecting a lot of dots, but really, every connection my neurons make is already shaded to some degree by the Moon and that which brings people together. that's pretty special to have, at any time in life, alhamdulillah.

edit: link updated, pointed to wrong post xd 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

how i love the clouds and the rain, even if it's gray, love it too when the sun's out and shining, turning brightness into something tangible, open and abiding, at least for that moment. my journey through this life is like the trek of the seasons, across the surface of the earth, whether over sand or desert or ocean, it leaves its imprints on my being, this passage of time and all it beckons and denies of needs and whims, sometimes feeling lost, at others a bit frozen, echoes of beauty reach me like fall with its leaves, such color and change, trying to remind that nothing stays quite the same, but here i am, to such laws of nature a walking contradiction, though remaining not static, i try preserving what's 'me' through all the thick and thin. love and you, an effortless combination, as yet a pair only imagined of time in which i can hold them, this road it has its mimicry and attempts at simulation, but i wouldn't compare them with an ideal manifested long before reality could try its fangs at setting in. 

i oft speak of prices and whom must them be giving, namely myself, thinking a foregone conclusion that i would pay them, whether or not i was able, even if such cost would steal sanity and empty pockets of everything except that which puts some in asylums. will my strength suffice? could i again survive, the epochs of apartness, filling the distance between you and i? am i able to give to my Gift, for so long as i live, regardless if nothing of compare i find? questions i cannot answer, residing somewhere in the mind, these neighbors mine, as part of faith it's said, to be towards such at least as kind. 

i have not spoken of my Rabb, have not yet here sought His aid, it's been some time, since disillusion struck, and from Him i felt parted a bit of ways.  as i am now is scarce a shell, to what "i" can truly hold, so much i know is there to be felt, when one has cause for feeling whole. i also know, He will test my belief, that it will be more than a thing simply said, that somehow action must follow words, or have proven hollow all that is my being. for now, i endure the absence, stroll alongside this worldly path and its worldly essence, working and reading, forging an image of a body complete with flesh and bone, but of its inner few can tell how shallow rings its meaning. 

Lighthouse

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no way I could miss the lighthouse by the sea, unintended or skillfully planned, still it's the spark to remind me of what I am, and what it is I seek. last night, had this amazing dream, in a room at the top floor of my old house, we're in each other's arms, a sense of "finally!" going through our veins, buzzing in the air, some of our closest friends are nearby, surprised and smiling, seeing something I bet they never saw coming. this life isn't even my prologue, much less my opening chapter, I swear by my Maker, if He gives me His blessing, and opens the door of my own Theater, I'll show you what you've always loved but never imagined, fill your heart till it reaches the size of the heavens, kiss your lips until red seems the color they were born as, and take your breath away until all we can feel is one another, effortlessly floating, around the corner to our next chapter, waiting. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish i had thoughts worthy of being read, worthy of your eyes, and something not quite as empty occupied this space, so something brighter could ease your mind. can't tell how many ribbons this life will cut me into, even as days appear on the surface not so bad, the apartness is a silent blade, long spinning inside, the pieces i'm into, numerous, uncountable, like all the salt in an ocean, dissolved and with blood mixed in, nearly to the point fate intends that to be my solution. happiness escapes my clutches like a bird's broken wing prevents its flight from predators and dangers, on one hand is the lure of the devil, waiting to tear down my shell, and lately on the other, simply quiet or sleep. Rabb, would You not simply permit the bird to fly? fix it's way or let it glide, maybe give it a gust of wind so all its worry may be left behind?

there's something hopeful somewhere, reasons for gratitude and shukr, but me too blind to see or dense to hear. the ironies of what qadr demands of me, the strangest, strongest weights i've ever known, only growing heavier with time, and what of i? these joints, these knees, these shoulders and muscles in between, won't grow stronger as i age, so seems the earth is rushing towards me faster than i'll lift from it, pulling me sooner than later to peace. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not all the birdies left, there is one that stayed, a cardinal so regal and red, imagine that, one bird overcomes the absence of all the rest. 

that which is Owned

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not much for me to say, His are the clouds, the rain, whether or not i subsist, or simply evaporate. He may take away from my conception, every notion i've ever had of family or friends, trifle disappointments snowballing into an avalanche of agonizing ignorance. i did not think, He would do such a thing, but it's like i'm unknown even to my closest of kin, even after decades plus, like no connection of mine, safe from decay or mistaken trust. Rabb, what would you have of me? these states in times of late, withered tree without what it sustains, nothing for me to give, except if You wish my flesh and bones still, to move in form of worship. i have conceived in the mind things i dare not speak, anguished, petulant, aggrieved, looking for the closest cliff, but holding back because You own my every thing. i could say that You took away my heart, not once but twice (or thrice, who keeps count?), ripped straight from the cavity, reminding me what i miss, but keeping it an orbit's length away from me. i could say that i am one most betrayed, disillusioned by every one of life's illusion, promising it holds what i seek but when i get close, it fades before my hands can grasp what i need. in times past would i close all doors, strain all ties, stay from life, apart and deprived, but i cannot...obligation and responsibilities, a pillar of form absent essence in moments like these, this skeleton will keep on its moving, on and on, until it finds its peace.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes just have to write, maybe a sunset or sunrise, pick a picture, let the brush find its canvas, bring out what's inside. every epic needs an aim, a maiden or madness, maybe both, to fuel the destiny of a planet so its Moon stays perfect in orbit, until their End arrives, to make whole those who walked through cataclysm. the unknowns i face, for love, for everything worthy of chase, worth the blood it lets, worth the lifetime of wait, without guarantees, His is the game, me simply a piece, like any king on a board, looking for the mate to call my Queen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes it's nice to think of isolating one's pain from others, in thinking perhaps they'll be spared the same feeling. I don't know if that's how real life ever works though. Since the fam went overseas, much of the past few weeks has become something I could never relate, something I've kept to myself.

Regardless, it seems the only choice my Rabb gave me is to continue going, keep breathing, not let up each and every day. At other times I would think of how to be a beacon, and then the curiosity strikes where I realize that light itself is farthest from me, with little for me to reflect. This is not entirely a darkness, but more of a prolonged absence, which eventually may as well be thought of in the same way I suppose. Work is work, classes resume in a few weeks, and love...is thousands of miles away, in one direction or another..

an Absolute for the slave

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Lately, had some heavy thoughts on the mind, trying to encompass (and possibly accept) an ultimate future vastly different than the one I seek. Why would I put myself through such a seemingly-futile and difficult exercise? It's simple. I've always tried to see as much as I can, regardless if it agreed with me or not. There's no way for me to grow in perspective and understanding, unless, every so often, I try to see the "worst case scenario" (heh) and overcome it mentally/emotionally. At first I thought I could live through an ultimate future where one particular wish of mine was absent...

..turns out I was wrong. Considerable introspection and understanding my nature makes it an impossibility. I can't allow (insomuch as my "control" is a factor) myself or my aim to fall short of anything less than completing the orbit towards my Moon until it lands gently into my hands and Eternity becomes something we taste together. Absent this, there is no afterlife, no akhirah for me worth being in.

While the Fire is always something that must be feared and avoided for obvious reasons, one has to consider what makes the Garden so amazing. For sure, it is the innumerable gifts my Rabb prepared for the ones He permitted, but I have to contend that the only span of time where one can be truly happy is one surrounded by worthwhile company. Who wants solitude when all the battles are won? Who needs solitude for reflection when the sheer purpose of existing becomes enjoyment itself? The good times, they're only gonna be when we're in the company of those that matter most, in Jannah itself.

There's no Firdaus I could be content in without her, no gate of the Garden I would pass through without holding her hand. I know well how precious little I control, so defining this Absolute line (for myself) in the sand is a tentative matter for the slave, when he knows the matter is completely up to Allah. But ya Rabb, I have to do this. For all the other gifts I could aim for, my Moon is utterly suited to this slave of yours, like nothing else. Of every person I have ever known, she is the only who inspired me to reach towards Firdaus Al-A'la. No one else is even close in this. If I even remotely consider any vision of Tomorrow as one without her....my will evaporates. 

Therefore my aim has to always be what it's been, with Your permission. I'll never be a deserving one, who earned of his own merit the kind of reward he sought. But the effort and intent of reaching towards it, require my Moon to always be a part of my raison d'être, if only to restore that missing organ and be able to smile and laugh like only then I could. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah got to talk with my Gift yesterday, and so I was reminded of how this road is going to be, what it takes of good provision to survive the journey. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

it's strange to have patience as one's only companion, one that i cannot abide, yet is the only one i could possibly have close to me these days. i have asked my Rabb questions to which i know the answer. "how much of me is enough? what more do You wish?"...and knowing the reply would be, Everything, but what if one had nothing left innately? of what worth would be deeds when they are simply physical representations of skeletal movement, unable to drawn on anything from the unseen? i can see something of tomorrow, now, and a bit more of Tomorrow, then, but my distance between either short- or long-term futures appears inexpressibly vast when one has no fuel in the present. my Rabb, what can i say? would You choose an end for me sooner, far sooner than later? i would be most grateful for this, to be unstitched from this mortal coil so i need not contradict it any longer. let my designs in Your plan be fulfilled already, the small seeds of fate i tried to plant towards something decent find root, and let me be, from it all. eventually, if i am kept here, i will have to circle back around to submission once again. i suppose that might be pleasing to You. alas, always the slave pays the price for his own decisions and inabilities, and the length of fate's rope that remains tied to him. freedom, delicious, unbound, unfettered, untainted, freedom. some day, perhaps?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

from 9/18, finished 9/25

If you ever wonder what makes me tick, or where my vision was borne, don’t have to look very far, just find a mirror, and there’s the nomad’s shore. I can picture you now, head in your hands, smiling a gaze, across a table or couch, before your gravity pulls me close and so I pick you up from your place, carry you in my arms to the edge of clouds atop the highest of Heavens, and savor in your eyes the blossom of joy and exultation.

Thus would my heart be manifest, brought to life, possible only with all He gave of His forgiveness. Much of wonder have I saved, still more to plan, for how to make you breathless, not wishing to stand, rather laying back, utterly relaxed, soaking in love, this is how Eternity begins: the spark and its flame forever lit.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

my birdies, where have you gone? used to see you in the backyard, chirping and swooping, but now the air is still, less colorful, the ambiance a bit withdrawn. even had the bird seed ready, but seems it wasn't lure enough to see year-round your feathers and beaks, pecking the ground and the feed, the simple pleasures of life, now absent, until spring rolls around in time. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

can't ever stop writing, may as well ask me to stop breathing, something always trying to escape from inside, maybe reach she who carries so much meaning. walk your path my Moon, take the steps you need to take, to be steady and safe, sometimes think i need to hold back, refrain from feeling, or else absence becomes the assassin in daylight, an enemy i can't alone defeat. i know my Rabb is near, though human i utterly remain, never far from longing for company similar and resonating, the most worthwhile pursuit kept from its pursuer due to the test of fate. maybe when my Gift arrives, and I can open and touch what's inside, then this loneliness retreats, an unwanted, uninvited mistress who's seemingly lifelong been chasing after me. i've fathomed and foreseen a number of futures, both painful and painless, never certain how the road will straighten ahead, but basking in Moonlight is the endgame, the sum of a life lived seeking fulfillment, whole and untamed. 

Doorway

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

you’re the door to my ocean, whenever it’s opened, i learn where i’ve been, so i can chart where i'm going, for so long just exploring, wishing and hoping, to meet another sea that might meld with mine, mixing the fresh with the brine, warmer waters with cooler climes, until your chase captured my eyes, and there it was: the one i’d seek to hold for all of time. have no regrets, would make no changes, every experience an arrow pointing me to this moment, a goal, a singular ambition, growing around it the most noble of things, all waiting above, but at my essence, simply trying to unite Eternity with Love.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

inescapably starcrossed

fingertips i've never touched, skin i've never tickled or traced, lips i've never kissed, a softness i can only imagine, these physical dimensions, capturing the flip side of a coin, on which the souls have long rested. i looked at all of life, and all of death, looked at the future and the past, at all i could earn or all that i could grasp, there was just one thing i found equal the trade, worthy to have: you. 

nothing else here has ever been or ever will be close to what that means, which is why you're encased inside of my Firdaus. every part of this road, a microcosm of it is a price I pay for the chance to find something totally out of my league. i've lived longer than i'd wished to, but it is what He wills it to be, keeping me going regardless. this life and its monotones, not quite my flavor. but there is a rainbow's end I seek, where i'd love to find those Lucky Charms waiting for me :) iA


[random note: maybe my favorite part of this piece is in the last line, how the cursive k leans into the y, when the two letters seem nearly ready to embrace...so perfect.]

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I'll be your repository, of memories your record keeper, if things ever fade a bit, or look a little bleaker, simply find its record, inscribed on my soul, just like the day you left those imprints there. Every breadcrumb left, whether sunflower or squirrel relishing its scent, from time to time, I'll try to conjure something more of my painting, wherein is the road paved with ease, shaded by happiness. 

Residences

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

home of the heart ain't in my chest, it's somewhere else, hiding just beyond this life, tucked safe inside your breast. doesn't matter how long it you've kept, some things simply need their growth, while journeying outside themselves. these truths not for the faint of heart, as oft love can be intense, especially for those whom longing is a well-known friend. home of the nafs, found I think it has, within my Gift, a blessing for life and sustenance, an afterglow of love, borne as purity of lust, relishing what we might receive, a key to keeping balance and trust.

alhamdulillah, always

 بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the underlying reasons I have for persisting with my choice is so that my Moon never faces another moment of darkness for so long as she lives [and beyond, but that's always been a given]. Trying, difficult times will happen, no doubt, but there is certain kind of pain/agony/despair that is unique to darkness, wherein it tries to cloud all light and hope. InshaAllah that will never be the case for either of us again.

Of the qualities of a beacon is that a certain frequency keeps emanating, regularly, with constancy.  There is no further aloneness, no further absence of fuel for the heart to look forward to, as I myself would have to be ok so that I have a chance of reflecting something of worth for my Moon to remain shining. Ultimately, your smile, lasting, comfortable, at peace, of eyes and lips both, that is among what I seek. I don't need to be the final victor of your hand, (though I'd absolutely love that to be so), so long as your sakinah was complete and everlasting howsoever my Rabb wills you to find it. Something so incredible cannot be coveted, but simply sought from Allah as a gift that's entirely His to give. I have a hunch my duas may help shape this destiny, but a slave can never presume to know for certain what his end will be. Thus I've left it to Him, as the most precious of treasure to keep in wait for me, iA.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, finally got home and nice surprise ^^

That last emoji, that smiling face, it belongs on you, always. It wouldn't matter what stuff I'd have to go through, but that you were able to feel like that after it, totally worth whatever it took.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead, perhaps more so than I ever have in my history. Of course, in all the arcs of my life, you're somewhere near the center of them all. I've been orbiting a helluva long time, I know, and there's still the matter of some decades and a certain Judgment Day to get through, but I'm utterly satisfied and fulfilled and happy with choosing Eternity as the date for when our celestial bodies meet. I know it pleases my Rabb for me to do so, it pleases my heart, my nafs, my ruh, all of it. Just contentment all around. That He would choose for me what I could love to have chosen for myself, there's no more beautiful a feeling than that. All it takes is for me to wait, to have a little bit of sabr with the little bit of time I have, and my expectation from Him reaches incalculable levels. Khair brings about khair, and it seems like there's nothing in my life Allah hasn't made khair for me, in one way or another. 

Whether you know it or not, you're a part of this just as much as I am. Our fates are intertwined, and history does not change, destiny is always waiting around the corner. So part of my purpose, part of my existence is tied in with being your beacon, regardless of how the tides turn in this life, no matter how many whispers or doubts might come, my role doesn't become any less, perhaps it only grows, into what He would have me be.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

long as you're living, or even if you pass away, the light of your being, simply could not fade, as within my eyes, is always where it remains.

even if this mortal life, kept me from your smile, kept me from your laugh, i need but recall its sight, its sound, so whole again i am.

perhaps in this moment am i complete, with my Future and present alike, softly waiting and in peace, the journey forward, but with Him to keep. 

~~~

listening to your heart beat, silent as the snow falls, before it melts on the possibilities, if life seems full of potential, imagine what Tomorrow holds, as you unwrap my dreams. didn't need any words, you captured all our meaning,"idealists, dreamers, and lovers", as if a decade apart was simply nothing. you get it, you felt it, you know this, so worth the wait, to reap Eternity from purpose.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I've never had a case against my Rabb, no reason for complaint. Simply I found an abundance of blessings, stretching out across my existence, in ways subtle and obvious. There's no real way to convey this to anyone, but to describe the sense of security and encompassed protection/guidance. For the inner aspect, there is the preservation of fitrah, the firmly-established desire for khair and ideals, the eventual cognition of how to (try and) balance reality with what I have to be/give. For the outer aspect, there is preservation from extreme need, for having food/shelter/clothing/etc consistently taken care of, the presence of family I could love and respect and continually take immense lessons from throughout my life, the anchors of a handful of friends worthy in having something for me to emulate as well as reinforcing and counteracting my nature whenever it was necessary, of never having to be in a position of desperation, of having my biggest obstacles be those in my self instead of always outside of me. 

The reasons for gratitude, I can never run out of. Some moments come, passing by like darkened clouds, threatening a storm but never truly being a threat. In those times, it feels as if the fight is against everything, that I haven't enough in me to continue, that I lack the ones whom I love to give the emotional buffer that means so much...but that is just how it appears, never how it really is. The love from all my beloved reaches me, not least of all, His care and affection. I could not say if I can claim such a thing, but there is no other deduction left for me to draw with everything He's shown and given and permitted me to have. The most cynical part of me has sometimes wondered if perhaps the test did not run so deep, that He might show and give of His fadl and mercy so much, only to perhaps take it back some day. The truth is, all I have, all I've ever known, it's belonged always to Allah. If He should wish to rescind, it's always been His to do with as He pleased. But I will never cease (iA) to hope and ask that He keep on giving, and being to me as He always has, as all I have ever known of Him.  

Question's Answer

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

like you? no other

i know there's no competition, not from any person living, how deep and far goes the resonance, like how letters sit together, side by side to make a sentence, something otherworldly in its essence, why i chase your hand through life and death and resurrection, so we might taste completion at its fullest. 

every part of you, every part for which i wait, already beautified to me, so no worry how it appears, never gross, never out of place or out of fear, never hurried, never rushed, time aplenty, for your Crown to fit like glove.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Thundershowers just came through, got to soak in the rain a bit for the first time in awhile, man I missed that. And then, the craziest streak of lightning: every few seconds, for like 10-20 minutes straight, the sky is lit up incessantly with strikes turning night to day. Seems like many of the bolts struck from cloud to cloud, and the ones to hit the ground were..spectacular, forceful, sky-splitting, humbling. SubhanaAllah it was beautiful, reminiscent of Judgment Day somehow. 

Ya Rabb, envelop us in Your rehmah, always and forever, ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, the past few weeks have been pretty special. The sense of harmony I noted before, still is there, though I've had my own oscillations a bit, the ability to have in balance my two spheres of dunya and akhirah...priceless. 

It seems like we're only promised more challenges ahead, whether in ourselves or from life itself, but the goal is the same, the method of approach, unchanged. For the now, we give whatever needs to be given, in whatever capacity we're able. Perfection is a beautiful goal, but it's found at the end of this journey (iA), not in the middle of it. 

A number of times I've wanted to write something lately, and it doesn't quite find form. I have a feeling it's because the serenity my words would aim to seek, we already know, alhamdulillah.