بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Flight is tonight, inshaAllah the road gets a bit easier while not having to be in a state of apartness. I've found it pretty amazing to have both a short-term and long-term vision. I think either one is incomplete without the other, for this life still has to be lived as decently as we can so long as we live in it - but also having a particular aim for the long run is so essential to mental and emotion wellbeing. Dunya brings enough challenges that having a goal outside of it, a goal that surpasses it, a goal that encompasses it, can never be overlooked. 

Much of the reason I am who I am and I seek what I seek, has its origin traced back to my Moon.  A certain development and mutuality of these two kinds of souls leads only to one place: the hope for an eventual reunification and confirmation of what we'd known before, iA. 

I figure the time in-between should be interesting enough. Hopefully just in the right ways t_t

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One day, when we've both risen and found our place, I'm gonna sing every piece I ever wrote, give some vocal eloquence to those words that you evoked, let you know and feel and hear, all my sounds pour out of the soul, into the only vessel of their worth that He let me keep near. All this life is but a series of broken syllables, attempts at rhyme or evocation of feeling when surrounded by the material, but when it comes to you there's no barriers or distances, just two stars wanting to reach together their peak supernoval release of emotion. The need is great, I know, the want to hold starlight now, and close our eyes to the rest of what the universe tries to pass along as 'shine', but some beauty, this one among all the beauty that ever existed, worth the bit of wait so I can fashion all of your visions wrapped with my imagination, into a journey of breathlessness topped with ecstasy from every direction. ~~ GapBody line, indeed, smooth as silk perhaps, but couldn't be outdone by your touch I bet, like a thread of cloth pulled slowly back, therein is the subtly waiting flesh, ahh, yes! Only the finest of milk and honey to pour over my Cookie Monster laden sweetly with layers of delicacies, so many wonders, waiting patiently across the surfaces and hills of your contours, beckoning fingers to come and show them the finest of thrills. Indeed, indeed, many rivers await the conclusion of my fate, and may He make worth it all the taste, ameen. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Heading back across the pond to visit the Gift in a week or so iA, it's been some time since I've been able to feel that connection. As other difficulties and challenges pile up, I find myself dissipated, more of a shell than substance. Couldn't say if disappointment lies in wait or not, but gotta risk it nonetheless. 

Primarily my undercurrent these days is losing touch with Him and not really caring for it to be any different. Maybe it comes after being faced with a test, where the body fights itself, while trying to breathe it's as if death instead is being called, and it appeared that my present fate was undecided as to whether breathing is meant to keep one living or to bring one's demise. All I could ask for was clarity, for Him to not put me into a trial that had me in a state of ridiculously-inconceivable in-between. But He kept me in it for awhile, and I tried various meds and after various sleepless nights out of the past few weeks, the physical affliction seems to have ran its course (alh I suppose).

I haven't any gratitude for this. Even asking for life, most of that time felt like I wasn't living, and death was never granted, so aside from the pain of those moments, I have nothing for the experience except an ever-widening distance from my Maker. 

When one notices how often random little things go contrary to the self, through the course of a day, or week, (or lifetime), and adds them up...it's simply an immense amount of cynicism. So many paradoxes found, so many knife wounds dealt through the course of existence, the tally is such that I long for nothing except simply to survive the course. How will He plan the next challenge I face? Frankly cannot say I care. As it is, it would be semi-miraculous for me to pull through these intermediate states intact, and that probably is enough for keeping focus.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

subhaaaanaAllah, that is the most beautiful pic I've ever seen 😄

edit, 1/22/20: and to replace that with one of cutest pics ever? sigh, wish I was there to pinch her cheeks and give her a huge hug. just when I think I've understood the beauty of my beloved...smh....mA

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if every step i take was just so that i could see your face (in Firdaus), it'd make me an angel without disguise, a mortal clothed as saint, but i'm human through and through so sin is part of my fate, sometimes i can go forward and sometimes back, some moments i can see Tomorrow but then eyes fail me and so i relapse. this is how He turned you into something for me to chase, that i have to struggle to find khair, even when my tank is empty and the canvas i try to paint on appears blank, like i'm stuck in some demon's lair. it's strange, i know the high road, have walked it on occasion, have breathed its rarefied air, and thought myself an old soul antiquated in a time he'd never belong in, living and breathing but somehow still finding dessication. heart's been relatively silent, nafs finds its presence easily enough as blood flows through oxygenation, but what of my soul? what can i speak of it? sometimes it's as if i lost it during some period of catharsis, when i wasn't looking i subconsciously let it go because i knew what life would put it through. alas, perhaps this is simply overstatement, not quite as bad as i make it, but i know your visage is something that i truly miss, even as every so often i remind myself why i chose this road, just to find you at its end, iA. my intermediate states don't really matter, those moments they'll scatter like the wind after the snow's finished falling, worries melt into what tomorrows hold as new problems or temporary respite. so long as you can smile and laugh in earnest, move through life knowing you're always loved, find time to pray and give back to charitable causes, be kind to your parents like you've always wanted, then Tomorrow becomes something that's essentially a promise, with just one Door between me and those arms I belong in.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no Mirror, no reflection, absent I become from so much of what is brightness, wish I was a dolphin, echolocate your presence, even if eyes were closed, I’d know precisely where and how your heart was beating. I know the importance of silence, a modicum of distance, thus able to keep focus, and not lose sight of the road in the bigger picture. you’ve always been wiser than you know, understanding to complement the beauty, little things kept notice, for in them happiness distilled from memory. Sometimes I try to build on this, paint scenes from places of Then, but so much remains a blank slate, for I can’t quite see past the moment when we've embraced. You've always been the ink of my brush, my Muse, my Moon, glowing as bright as her truth, given life to color with that first touch, a meeting of mirrors where I get to show you Love, iA. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so for the past few days, maybe most of the week, often times when I'm driving home, or otherwise walking unoccupied, simple stray thoughts came to mind, like a litter of cats looking for refuge, from the deluge outside.

most of these, I simply echo their meows, but I don't write down what was said, leaving their meaning to float into the wind, free like the moment they arrived. a few were conversations with Him, things that could not be repeated, my commentary on the irony, so often it's present, my finger on its throat makes it palpable, yet no easier the breathing. 

like an audio record without inscription, a vase without flowers, a galaxy without planets, a kettle without water, an earth without core,  a hurricane without eye, all of these in essence a traveler with a destination he cannot find. limbs moving but the soul is obliterated, heart emaciated, skeleton is clothed but the flesh bearing marks of everything his inner is absent from. I know He may choose to cover me with everything from this life, but that won't make any less than the choice that is mine, seeking beyond these limits at the end of my time, that one Moon to complete what is the puzzle, so one might at last be near to that which shines.

 

Endlessly

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gotta say alhamdulillah, even if it hurts, no other way to find the silver lining, and unzip it slowly to see what's behind the curtain, perhaps something to caress, and kiss starting with the surface: in this meshes a need from now with a Future unmet. wish i could delineate all the possibilities, or even a fraction, expressions of love manifested in a pair who waited a lifetime for an Eternity of having. no barriers, no distance, no gravity to hold our feet down, unless we so willed it, imagine those wings, the sky at our fingertips, for those who chose forever, these would be just the start of His gifts. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, got an extra hour (woot) and figured out part of my Python assignment. Life progressions coming even despite some wavering of the self. Something that's been on the mind on/off lately about my connection to my Rabb:

When I'm nearer to Him, I can't imagine ever being distant. When I'm farther away, I feel I can't sustain ever being near again.

Being close, comes with the knowledge of having one's needs taken care of, being able to appreciate that which one does not have, of being grateful daily, of knowing my Guardian has final sway over all matters.

Being apart, it is as if I am the only person in the human race who is adrift on an ocean I could never control, whether it be the heart, or the external tumult of life that tries to impose itself.

The price of nearness is not something that can be understated. Wanting to stick with one's Rabb, in contrast to every other force in life that's either trying to delude or grab attention, is not an easy pill. Interestingly, though I've thought I would swallow it, the self still rebels at times and all that's left is the skeletal phenomenon where bodily movement of living and worship happens, without an anchor into the meaning and need for such things. 

Ultimately though, if a person can see their blessings, there's nothing quite like this connection to Allah. Rabb is gonna be Rabb, at the start of the day and its end, through darknesses and light, He's the first one to seek.

 

Picturesque

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wow..subhanAllah...that sky, that scenery, utterly gorgeous. 

the setting reminds me a bit of something from last September, a reply to a piece about feeling like you'd passed through an area without having left any mark. i dunno about that, because if i had to guess, i see myself as these trees, simple pure natural shades of fall and greenery - able to be so primarily because their sky (you) gave its rain and decided to be so fulfilling and beautiful. which leaf wouldn't love to be underneath such a canopy? 

not to mention, seeing this made me happy. lol, granted, anything remotely from the same time zone as yours could have the same effect, but there's a certain undertone that isn't lost on me. maybe i'm just predisposed to connecting a lot of dots, but really, every connection my neurons make is already shaded to some degree by the Moon and that which brings people together. that's pretty special to have, at any time in life, alhamdulillah.

edit: link updated, pointed to wrong post xd 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

how i love the clouds and the rain, even if it's gray, love it too when the sun's out and shining, turning brightness into something tangible, open and abiding, at least for that moment. my journey through this life is like the trek of the seasons, across the surface of the earth, whether over sand or desert or ocean, it leaves its imprints on my being, this passage of time and all it beckons and denies of needs and whims, sometimes feeling lost, at others a bit frozen, echoes of beauty reach me like fall with its leaves, such color and change, trying to remind that nothing stays quite the same, but here i am, to such laws of nature a walking contradiction, though remaining not static, i try preserving what's 'me' through all the thick and thin. love and you, an effortless combination, as yet a pair only imagined of time in which i can hold them, this road it has its mimicry and attempts at simulation, but i wouldn't compare them with an ideal manifested long before reality could try its fangs at setting in. 

i oft speak of prices and whom must them be giving, namely myself, thinking a foregone conclusion that i would pay them, whether or not i was able, even if such cost would steal sanity and empty pockets of everything except that which puts some in asylums. will my strength suffice? could i again survive, the epochs of apartness, filling the distance between you and i? am i able to give to my Gift, for so long as i live, regardless if nothing of compare i find? questions i cannot answer, residing somewhere in the mind, these neighbors mine, as part of faith it's said, to be towards such at least as kind. 

i have not spoken of my Rabb, have not yet here sought His aid, it's been some time, since disillusion struck, and from Him i felt parted a bit of ways.  as i am now is scarce a shell, to what "i" can truly hold, so much i know is there to be felt, when one has cause for feeling whole. i also know, He will test my belief, that it will be more than a thing simply said, that somehow action must follow words, or have proven hollow all that is my being. for now, i endure the absence, stroll alongside this worldly path and its worldly essence, working and reading, forging an image of a body complete with flesh and bone, but of its inner few can tell how shallow rings its meaning. 

Lighthouse

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no way I could miss the lighthouse by the sea, unintended or skillfully planned, still it's the spark to remind me of what I am, and what it is I seek. last night, had this amazing dream, in a room at the top floor of my old house, we're in each other's arms, a sense of "finally!" going through our veins, buzzing in the air, some of our closest friends are nearby, surprised and smiling, seeing something I bet they never saw coming. this life isn't even my prologue, much less my opening chapter, I swear by my Maker, if He gives me His blessing, and opens the door of my own Theater, I'll show you what you've always loved but never imagined, fill your heart till it reaches the size of the heavens, kiss your lips until red seems the color they were born as, and take your breath away until all we can feel is one another, effortlessly floating, around the corner to our next chapter, waiting. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish i had thoughts worthy of being read, worthy of your eyes, and something not quite as empty occupied this space, so something brighter could ease your mind. can't tell how many ribbons this life will cut me into, even as days appear on the surface not so bad, the apartness is a silent blade, long spinning inside, the pieces i'm into, numerous, uncountable, like all the salt in an ocean, dissolved and with blood mixed in, nearly to the point fate intends that to be my solution. happiness escapes my clutches like a bird's broken wing prevents its flight from predators and dangers, on one hand is the lure of the devil, waiting to tear down my shell, and lately on the other, simply quiet or sleep. Rabb, would You not simply permit the bird to fly? fix it's way or let it glide, maybe give it a gust of wind so all its worry may be left behind?

there's something hopeful somewhere, reasons for gratitude and shukr, but me too blind to see or dense to hear. the ironies of what qadr demands of me, the strangest, strongest weights i've ever known, only growing heavier with time, and what of i? these joints, these knees, these shoulders and muscles in between, won't grow stronger as i age, so seems the earth is rushing towards me faster than i'll lift from it, pulling me sooner than later to peace. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not all the birdies left, there is one that stayed, a cardinal so regal and red, imagine that, one bird overcomes the absence of all the rest. 

that which is Owned

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not much for me to say, His are the clouds, the rain, whether or not i subsist, or simply evaporate. He may take away from my conception, every notion i've ever had of family or friends, trifle disappointments snowballing into an avalanche of agonizing ignorance. i did not think, He would do such a thing, but it's like i'm unknown even to my closest of kin, even after decades plus, like no connection of mine, safe from decay or mistaken trust. Rabb, what would you have of me? these states in times of late, withered tree without what it sustains, nothing for me to give, except if You wish my flesh and bones still, to move in form of worship. i have conceived in the mind things i dare not speak, anguished, petulant, aggrieved, looking for the closest cliff, but holding back because You own my every thing. i could say that You took away my heart, not once but twice (or thrice, who keeps count?), ripped straight from the cavity, reminding me what i miss, but keeping it an orbit's length away from me. i could say that i am one most betrayed, disillusioned by every one of life's illusion, promising it holds what i seek but when i get close, it fades before my hands can grasp what i need. in times past would i close all doors, strain all ties, stay from life, apart and deprived, but i cannot...obligation and responsibilities, a pillar of form absent essence in moments like these, this skeleton will keep on its moving, on and on, until it finds its peace.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes just have to write, maybe a sunset or sunrise, pick a picture, let the brush find its canvas, bring out what's inside. every epic needs an aim, a maiden or madness, maybe both, to fuel the destiny of a planet so its Moon stays perfect in orbit, until their End arrives, to make whole those who walked through cataclysm. the unknowns i face, for love, for everything worthy of chase, worth the blood it lets, worth the lifetime of wait, without guarantees, His is the game, me simply a piece, like any king on a board, looking for the mate to call my Queen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes it's nice to think of isolating one's pain from others, in thinking perhaps they'll be spared the same feeling. I don't know if that's how real life ever works though. Since the fam went overseas, much of the past few weeks has become something I could never relate, something I've kept to myself.

Regardless, it seems the only choice my Rabb gave me is to continue going, keep breathing, not let up each and every day. At other times I would think of how to be a beacon, and then the curiosity strikes where I realize that light itself is farthest from me, with little for me to reflect. This is not entirely a darkness, but more of a prolonged absence, which eventually may as well be thought of in the same way I suppose. Work is work, classes resume in a few weeks, and love...is thousands of miles away, in one direction or another..

an Absolute for the slave

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Lately, had some heavy thoughts on the mind, trying to encompass (and possibly accept) an ultimate future vastly different than the one I seek. Why would I put myself through such a seemingly-futile and difficult exercise? It's simple. I've always tried to see as much as I can, regardless if it agreed with me or not. There's no way for me to grow in perspective and understanding, unless, every so often, I try to see the "worst case scenario" (heh) and overcome it mentally/emotionally. At first I thought I could live through an ultimate future where one particular wish of mine was absent...

..turns out I was wrong. Considerable introspection and understanding my nature makes it an impossibility. I can't allow (insomuch as my "control" is a factor) myself or my aim to fall short of anything less than completing the orbit towards my Moon until it lands gently into my hands and Eternity becomes something we taste together. Absent this, there is no afterlife, no akhirah for me worth being in.

While the Fire is always something that must be feared and avoided for obvious reasons, one has to consider what makes the Garden so amazing. For sure, it is the innumerable gifts my Rabb prepared for the ones He permitted, but I have to contend that the only span of time where one can be truly happy is one surrounded by worthwhile company. Who wants solitude when all the battles are won? Who needs solitude for reflection when the sheer purpose of existing becomes enjoyment itself? The good times, they're only gonna be when we're in the company of those that matter most, in Jannah itself.

There's no Firdaus I could be content in without her, no gate of the Garden I would pass through without holding her hand. I know well how precious little I control, so defining this Absolute line (for myself) in the sand is a tentative matter for the slave, when he knows the matter is completely up to Allah. But ya Rabb, I have to do this. For all the other gifts I could aim for, my Moon is utterly suited to this slave of yours, like nothing else. Of every person I have ever known, she is the only who inspired me to reach towards Firdaus Al-A'la. No one else is even close in this. If I even remotely consider any vision of Tomorrow as one without her....my will evaporates. 

Therefore my aim has to always be what it's been, with Your permission. I'll never be a deserving one, who earned of his own merit the kind of reward he sought. But the effort and intent of reaching towards it, require my Moon to always be a part of my raison d'être, if only to restore that missing organ and be able to smile and laugh like only then I could. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah got to talk with my Gift yesterday, and so I was reminded of how this road is going to be, what it takes of good provision to survive the journey. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

it's strange to have patience as one's only companion, one that i cannot abide, yet is the only one i could possibly have close to me these days. i have asked my Rabb questions to which i know the answer. "how much of me is enough? what more do You wish?"...and knowing the reply would be, Everything, but what if one had nothing left innately? of what worth would be deeds when they are simply physical representations of skeletal movement, unable to drawn on anything from the unseen? i can see something of tomorrow, now, and a bit more of Tomorrow, then, but my distance between either short- or long-term futures appears inexpressibly vast when one has no fuel in the present. my Rabb, what can i say? would You choose an end for me sooner, far sooner than later? i would be most grateful for this, to be unstitched from this mortal coil so i need not contradict it any longer. let my designs in Your plan be fulfilled already, the small seeds of fate i tried to plant towards something decent find root, and let me be, from it all. eventually, if i am kept here, i will have to circle back around to submission once again. i suppose that might be pleasing to You. alas, always the slave pays the price for his own decisions and inabilities, and the length of fate's rope that remains tied to him. freedom, delicious, unbound, unfettered, untainted, freedom. some day, perhaps?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

from 9/18, finished 9/25

If you ever wonder what makes me tick, or where my vision was borne, don’t have to look very far, just find a mirror, and there’s the nomad’s shore. I can picture you now, head in your hands, smiling a gaze, across a table or couch, before your gravity pulls me close and so I pick you up from your place, carry you in my arms to the edge of clouds atop the highest of Heavens, and savor in your eyes the blossom of joy and exultation.

Thus would my heart be manifest, brought to life, possible only with all He gave of His forgiveness. Much of wonder have I saved, still more to plan, for how to make you breathless, not wishing to stand, rather laying back, utterly relaxed, soaking in love, this is how Eternity begins: the spark and its flame forever lit.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

my birdies, where have you gone? used to see you in the backyard, chirping and swooping, but now the air is still, less colorful, the ambiance a bit withdrawn. even had the bird seed ready, but seems it wasn't lure enough to see year-round your feathers and beaks, pecking the ground and the feed, the simple pleasures of life, now absent, until spring rolls around in time. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

can't ever stop writing, may as well ask me to stop breathing, something always trying to escape from inside, maybe reach she who carries so much meaning. walk your path my Moon, take the steps you need to take, to be steady and safe, sometimes think i need to hold back, refrain from feeling, or else absence becomes the assassin in daylight, an enemy i can't alone defeat. i know my Rabb is near, though human i utterly remain, never far from longing for company similar and resonating, the most worthwhile pursuit kept from its pursuer due to the test of fate. maybe when my Gift arrives, and I can open and touch what's inside, then this loneliness retreats, an unwanted, uninvited mistress who's seemingly lifelong been chasing after me. i've fathomed and foreseen a number of futures, both painful and painless, never certain how the road will straighten ahead, but basking in Moonlight is the endgame, the sum of a life lived seeking fulfillment, whole and untamed. 

Doorway

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

you’re the door to my ocean, whenever it’s opened, i learn where i’ve been, so i can chart where i'm going, for so long just exploring, wishing and hoping, to meet another sea that might meld with mine, mixing the fresh with the brine, warmer waters with cooler climes, until your chase captured my eyes, and there it was: the one i’d seek to hold for all of time. have no regrets, would make no changes, every experience an arrow pointing me to this moment, a goal, a singular ambition, growing around it the most noble of things, all waiting above, but at my essence, simply trying to unite Eternity with Love.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

inescapably starcrossed

fingertips i've never touched, skin i've never tickled or traced, lips i've never kissed, a softness i can only imagine, these physical dimensions, capturing the flip side of a coin, on which the souls have long rested. i looked at all of life, and all of death, looked at the future and the past, at all i could earn or all that i could grasp, there was just one thing i found equal the trade, worthy to have: you. 

nothing else here has ever been or ever will be close to what that means, which is why you're encased inside of my Firdaus. every part of this road, a microcosm of it is a price I pay for the chance to find something totally out of my league. i've lived longer than i'd wished to, but it is what He wills it to be, keeping me going regardless. this life and its monotones, not quite my flavor. but there is a rainbow's end I seek, where i'd love to find those Lucky Charms waiting for me :) iA


[random note: maybe my favorite part of this piece is in the last line, how the cursive k leans into the y, when the two letters seem nearly ready to embrace...so perfect.]