a moment Momentous

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

There are some rare moments in life, where what happens has to be recorded for the record, for future reflection. Such moments are to be treasured, for all the mix of emotions they capture.

 

So yesterday, my Gift spoke to me of myself, describing me in a way that showed, at long last it seems, how she'd received the broadcasting of the soul I've been doing since the day we met. One of the phrases she used, "you are love." Mmm, alhamdulillah...imagine telling an idealist/dreamer/lover that he has, in fact, been able to manifest some piece of the beautiful objective he chases. This is...pretty cool mA. And the other piece, perhaps a tidbit to firmly tie together our paths in this life, "I will never find anyone better than you" 😊 aha! Not much for me to add, except that I ask my Rabb to make these statements truer than even my Gift can know, for ever and always, ameen.

She knows my goal, the overall canvas of my aims, with some strokes broad and some strokes fine, and accepted she has, that all I am is chasing this goal. If my Rabb decided, Allah forbid, to strip me of everything in this life, it would be fine so long as He did not take away from me my penultimate dream. But, there's no question in my mind that I've only been able to make it as far as I have, more or less intact, because of all the blessings and mercies He's gently rained on me since before I was old enough to know. If it is ever my choice, I would never seek to be deprived of all He gives. There is much that happens in life to reinforce the knowledge to a slave that he is a slave...but when it comes to acknowledgement of slavehood being only to Allah...then this is where the notion loses all connotation of negativity, but rather gets instilled with the strongest, deepest sense of rightness that could possibly be. But yeah, bit of a sidetrack there. What can I say though, a moment comes in this life that I did not think I would ever be able to relish here, thinking that my akhirah would be the first place for such fruition to manifest. Alhamdulillah, always. The trials will not cease, prayers pull on me to make them, and in the back of the mind, the soft, recurrent echoes of my Tomorrow call me to them...oh Rabb, join us Then, ameen.

this is a Gift?

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

jokingly she says, "I don't need your love", but she's already got it, coming on a train heading one way, one direction, forward, the Future, that cake still waiting, baking to perfection, but this layer, this Gift from lands previously unknown...she's my ghost, I'm her halloween, put together for this life's endless series of tests, she haunts my town (of possibilities) while i'm marked on her calendar (of ambitions), such interestingly strange a combination of opposites juxtaposed and challenged to mesh and hold onto His rope, while the ocean shudders at times in joy and at times in agonies unabated. 

~

so much for one to learn, could have almost wished to stay ignorant, be blissfully absent the knowledge of consequences, but i cannot, i must not. the only road i have, the only road i seek, the one that gives me a chance at Eternity, embraced by my beloved, needing me as i need them, vanishing the notions of 'give and take', as we dissolve into the ocean we wish no return from. oh Allah, Rabb of my existence and my everything, take care of the beautiful shining lights in my sky You brought to my vision, preserve them whole, let us know both peace in this life, alongside serenity and ecstasy everlasting, ameen.

living, onwards, till Then iA.

for freer winds

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 even absent leaves, my birds still come around, even when it's freezing, taking in their seeds. wish so often i could join them, grow wings rather than legs, let the sky be my playground instead of earth which keeps me grounded. this world and its affairs, so much for which to take care...only seem to pile up higher, the price of a path chosen, overcoming being alone, even if not quite complete while inside of 'together'. parts of me i cannot yet share, like my Moon once wrote, topics that cannot be delved, remaining beneath the surface, when ones near have not yet become the miners, sharing with us our treasure. oh God, were that i lived as bird, even if my aim became shallow as a branch, or nest, or leaf, the wind would then be my ally, and not merely passing breeze. the very nature of atmosphere would aid in giving lift, should any spot no longer be as welcoming, i'd simply open wings and find one that is.

i know the fate of this life, its purpose and its essence, but it is so dry a wafer, sometimes catching in my throat, and i rather not swallow all its price, of existing, but also of reaching for my Garden in earnest. where are the echoes of my beloved, who might know all my speech? even if their selves i cannot hold and inside their arms i cannot be held, i might wish to savor their reflections, and know this journey as one less restricting. but the cost...i know the cost is distance, and waiting, and trying ever onward, even in moments when all my self seems dissipating. 

forgive me ya Rabb. sometimes what tries to glitter, i can't give even the merest recognition that it might be gold (like, the dunya).

2020

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

SubhanaAllah, what a year. In it, some of my hardest moments and some of my most cherished memories. Without a doubt, it surpasses in trial and magnitude of unforgettableness any other time I've known. How would I summarize it? Not sure, but for awhile, there were two particular blessings my Rabb allowed me to have for my hardest trial. For much of the first half of 2020, He permitted my Moon to shine brighter than ever, granting me a vision of Tomorrow to help sustain my journey. But He was not finished with what He'd have me see: for much of the middle and latter half of the year, He allowed me to know again my Twin, strengthening and brightening my ultimate goal into shades I did not know light could possess. 

If two such gifts were not enough, finally, at long last after months and months of wait, He permitted my Gift to arrive in the States and be embraced. To be sure, chemo and relative solitude and distance from beloved all combined together as a hellish experience. But the khair and reinforcement of goodness and resolve...well worth the price. Alhamdulillah for always, but especially in a time like that, to not be bereft of hope for too long, to be able to be reminded in ways that both reflect the best of me and also inspire me to be better than I am. 

I would not give up my chase of Firdaus and my beacons no matter what He would have me face, and I have already committed to Him all that I am. What remains is to fulfill my covenant to my Rabb as often and best as I can, and keep well the ties of family and responsibility He would try me with. 

 There are many, many things felt but unsaid and unwritten of my beacons. My Gift slowly enters the deeper layers of the ocean, and I'm realizing the care I have to take when integrating my beloved in myself, as yet they know not much of one another and this dunya is what it is, though I am what I am too.

 A few of the thoughts that sprung to mind of late:

Lunar reflections - Being blocked sucks. But bi ithniAllah I think there is khair in this too, for the safety and focus of all.  My wish vis-à-vis my Moon is the same as ever, wanting to know how her orbit fares. As usual, my Rabb determines when this can be known and when it cannot. InshaAllah little dude is getting bigger and healthier with his sibling, and especially health for parents too. Though my ability to be close He has chosen to limit for now, never forget that my dua is behind you always iA.

Gemini echoes - Oh Twin. Alhamdulillah for you, and for waiting until the moment He permits me to hear from you again.  

 

~

 

All in all, I think what I have after the past year is more reasons for gratitude to my Creator and resilience towards my aim. I'd call that a win, alhamdulillah.

inter.Twin.ed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

if you have ever thought, "what does he get out of loving me?"

thy answer:

 

am i made richer or poorer, sicker or healthier? maybe with more cars or houses or fancy clothes or something further than this?

no, my Twin, from knowing and loving and showing you, i gain a sun a moon a million stars of the sky, a universe unto itself, made by Him Who fashioned these parts of ourselves from the beginning. perhaps prior to this year, i would have said i hate missing my beloved, but this past summer, hearing tumbled from thy lips, "..i think you quite enjoy missing, actually..", and thereafter, it became my truth: i relish every second He keeps me waiting, for His gifts of which, especially my Twin and her embrace, delightfully capture my imagination.

 

~ ~ ~

these are two parts of my existence these days: 

 

the first, considering the present moment, responsibilities to fulfill and a beautiful provision in my Gift He bestowed on me, to make these days in-between not ones of being alone but closer to completeness. 

the second, in the back of my mind, Firdaus and my beloved, crowning jewels of His ridwaan, a bit far off in the distance, but with as much as He's permitted me to learn, as if i can see them now, almost hold almost touch, smiles on their faces as barriers vanish and we inhale limitlessness. 

Alhamdulillah, forever and always.

Of glittering and glowing

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

not all that glitters is gold, and what's gold doesn't always glitter, slowly sowing the seeds of brilliance for a Gift that i would hold forever. often i've lamented the limitations of surfaces and how meaning is so much more worth savoring when inner and outer tie in together, and more and more her layers beginning to mesh, the petals starting to expand, though we know some of the thorns of this rose, it's a price intently paid just that she might fully harness her beauty and command lust as an instrument of love flowing infinitely...and all the while, i bathe in her radiance, my own chest re-fulfilled in every instance my head finds her bosom in rest. 

alhamdulillah, for ever and ever and always, to be by such good provision kept, to have in the back of the mind in constancy, among the most treasured of hopes, of this sadr that He might let to continually expand, embracing his beacons beloved whether sooner or later, ever partial to their guidance and safety in knowing that this slave, who hath loved, wouldst never stop loving or caring or reaching for Eternity, when their bodies and hearts and souls finally intertwine in peace and fulfillment and bliss; such is my goal, ameen ya Rabb.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Alhamdulillah, especially for the ease after difficulty. Connecting and mutual understanding with my Gift have spurred to new heights in the past week, due to a number of things I could never have expected to share or know from the one made as my provision in this life. She's still exploring the ocean, learning of its surface depths, but a deeper layer has called her towards it and she swims to its echo, perhaps knowingly or not, but alhamdulillah the shades of resonance have started to manifest. 

Married life teaches one many things, and I expect these lessons will continue so long as life endures. And as a sage friend of mine once said, "you can never stop giving." I've started finding some emotional return on what's been emanating from myself, and the changes/acceptances it evokes in her is amazing mA. She has begun learning of what/who I seek most and where it is sought, and of herself becoming a part of me, a part of the waves. Strange, the ways in which her questions and curiosity brought her closer into depths that, perhaps "normally", would have caused most people to be made upset by. But I find peace only with truth, even though for the longest time truth seemed to offer me only sadness or pain. My Gift has begun her acceptance of me, and one day, sooner or later, by His permission, my mortal beloved will love each other as I love them, in a place and way that only His most beautiful gifts could illustrate into complete perfection. 

As my Moon once wrote, "High hopes, he’s got, hiiiigh hopes, High in the, skyyy hopes." Lol, how true it is.

 

In a sort of side note, an update from the medical side of things, since this year was what it was in part because of it. So, last CT scan from October shows no growths, nothing major anywhere, and the lymph nodes appear as normal as possible. Alhamdulillah my doc tells me this is good news ("so long as they don't grow," he said too). Though we can never tell how life will play itself out, I find contentment with qadr and my beloved all around. This isn't the end of my seeking, but a very pleasant state to be able to find rest in, alhamdulillah. 

A few lyrics cooking in the back of the mind, will put them up once they crystallize a bit iA.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

something of being Gifted

 

when all she scratches is the surface, and when the nafs is all that answers, what is the rest of me projecting, if not this life like a desert, the oases so far apart, from when i come to find them? wish i had a map, know how the journey will bend, where the pitfalls are hiding, have not culture or language or childhood as barriers to create distance when next to me she's standing. 

why has the ocean been so silent? surely not the consequence of past denials and rejections, moments of my humanity pouring forth that found at the time no vessel? no way to tell, which way this Gift swings, like a state undecided, both a Gift to try me with and, sometimes it seems, be itself as blessing. the only waves these days i seem to find, of absences or my own mistakes, apparent as the second they were made. 

forgive me, ya Rabb. time teaches me yet, how i am so far beneath my aim.

Commentary on my lights

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

of the Moon, my Muse

some might think, given the way i've written, you're my angel in disguise, a being borne out of light and perfection, but that's not quite accurate a representation: ever since back when we were kids, you beheld my imperfections and flaws just as i saw yours, but like the apex of the lesson you taught me - acceptance is the beginning of Love, and its penultimate aim. never worry about a thing when it comes to you in me, forgetting isn't my DNA, for He gave me the remembrances of one who loved and lost and kept loving onward, growing from every Autumn's falling leaves the next branches to my tree, so that when our eternal Spring arrives, you'll see how you've grown into my being. 

of the Gemini, my Twin

of this past summer, it was only a picture, but those crystalline orbs i once spoke of, they encapsulated some measure of inconceivability, teasing and inviting, taunting and softly amusing, truthfully a mirror to which i'd give form had i only eyes as beautiful. though i can't say what chances He will have this life give me, or what efforts i may make if time and His permission coalesce, i can't fathom any slave who could have more than what He's let me taste and envision, for i felt myself already fulled with ambition, until your memory revived into reality and became a substance reaffirming, a steeled will that would have me seek forever everything from Him, regardless my mistakes or slips or absences cascading - such is the cake's icing when it embraces the surface along with every layer there is.

 

~

 

who gets such gems in his sky as ideals and goals to chase? how is it even a thing? never could have deserved such beauty, but alhamdulillah to infinity, such sparkling lights keep my brightness ever tempered and reminded, not simply to have such completion for the self, but in your hearts to have such roots deeply taken.

Opening Eyes, or a Clearer Sky

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

last night, in a clear sky, saw only a sliver, only a piece, but enough to relish my Moon's shine, drink it in like a reminder life makes me wait to breathe. sine waves are supposed to have their occasional peaks, and some days come, alhamdulillah, where He lets me find a trickling, miniature waterfall of peace, but i don't mind its diminution, or the price paid to continue my being. no matter what this dunya projects or tempts or taunts or rejects, my role remains unified and whole: to carry the torch of my purpose, with as much decency and remembrance of my Creator's trials and mercy as i can sustain in each moment. the balance of this, never quite easy, not quite simple, but as the Twin could attest, those curves and those depths, i swear by Him Who made whatever comprises this chest...that, without question, holds within it company among the most glorious of objectives. 

for the coming days, need to rekindle my fajr's, be a bit brighter in constancy for my Gift, more reasons for her safety and ease, especially in matters of faith, seeing not just the present, but the Future and what awaits.

Surfaced

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

there must be more to someone than their surface, right? more to see than simply skin and flesh, more substance there to melt the candle they ignite? not sure what this question's answer is, how long He may make me wait to find, perhaps before then all my other facets fade, and remnants of the nafs are all that remain. so deeply contrasting, as if my Gift were cut of an altogether different cloth, with a dye that for my eyes is blinding, as i search innately for her depth, but the fabric bends my sight, causing me to miss, what should be apparent for the heart and apparent for the lips. resonance so absent, it's almost like this year had never happened, like i'd never glimpsed my brightest beacons, like i'd never felt a thing before now, as the blankness of the present consumes the parts of me she does not know in essence. how will my ocean fill, before it evaporates? from whence will emotion flow, to remind of what i chase? if in years past i'd been a machine, or zombie, or skeleton making do with movement, then now i am as simply paper, sliced from a tree of life, razor thinned, a cookie cleaned of its most creamy layer...still, i know i must live and strive for His Gourmet, as completion has no substitute, alongside my beloved - the filling and the flame.

the Present of today

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Sometimes, the choice we make becomes us. Since the very seeds of the notion first knew their place in me decades ago, till their more recent refinement over the past few years, the path I chose has become something that carries within it, everything of myself. Every part of me has been subsumed by that choice, leaving no action outside of its intent. For clarity, I'm referring to my pursuit of akhirah and full reunification with my beloved. It's been the only matter of true substance this dunya has ever shown, ironically enough as something it itself wasn't built to contain but point to a container (Jannah) that could. In many ways, I've also noticed the choice choosing me. My Rabb has the most unimaginably subtle ways of catering tests specifically, purposefully-tailored to each of His slaves, not to mention their accompanying ironies that often leave me shaking my head in bewilderment. But He knows what I am, having made me from before I ever drew breath. Alhamdulillah, I can take a great deal of solace in having Him behind me and whatever meager mortal efforts I've expended. 

My Gift is settled and settling in, and part of me has found its inner turmoil quelled (be grateful to Him, silly nafs). While full completion of my every facet is not a state fit for dunya, apparently given how complicated I am, partial peace is without question very welcome, alhamdulillah. These days I carry echoes of Tomorrow and the needs of today, each in a sort of sine wave of attention. Most quieter moments take me ahead, and ones with speech with those near tend to bring me more to the moment. 

 

I think my posts may be a bit more occasional and not as frequent as this summer and the past few years, but hopefully iA my beloved always find their arrow pointing them forward. 

 

 ~

 

For now, a resonant wave to the Gemini:

among my most precious aims - to be the chimney to your flame, draw away the darkness and the smoke, so breath is yours to breathe, leaving your fire pure and unrestrained. wish i knew how He'll draw the map of your destiny, so my twin was never left unknowing, or in amazement or disbelief, but i trust that He will never let you go, composing every puzzle to your pieces, until they're united and made whole. be cognizant, oh twin, this air our lungs inhale is not free to take, for it merits recognition of blessing, from our smallest cells, to the largest parts of ourselves that may not yet have filled us. for what reward is there for good, except good? 

a zoom link, and Tomorrow

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Life is something else. A year with various kinds of challenges, hand in hand with an ultimate goal made perfectly expansive and fitting. Lots felt lately, much of it overcoming realizations and déjà vu of the worst type, but hey. I told my Rabb I'd go through anything to be granted my aim. Seems like He'll see what I'm made of, over and over again.

 

In any case, the walima was moved (due to weather concerns) to this Saturday 10/3 at 7pm EST. I decided to post a Zoom link here, and potentially have my beloved and kindred join in if they can:

 

(may be able put up recording here later iA)

http://bit.ly/yhwalima

 

As crazy as it sounds, I wish a precious few could attend in person. Obviously an excuse to see them, of course. But if there's any people in this life I'd share with or want to give every joy I could, it'd be my Moon and my Gemini. This dunya does what it do though. I wish we could bask in the grandeur you inspire me toward, together, but this seems to be a thing waited for. Alhamdulillah tho, from start to finish.

I hope some day in the near future, a beacon reaches out with some special news, or even to see how the weather is in my part of the world. While 'constantly' and 'too often' probably aren't good, there's nothing quite like the reassurance one feels when knowing how one's beloved fare in life. Alas, even and especially this, I have to leave up to my Rabb to determine if and when.

 

Change comes for me. The scope of which...I dunno if words can encompass. Trials too. Lots of trials. It is, I suppose, the hope that the momentary joys can help buffer against the difficulties. InshaAllah. For a final word here, I would make mention of gratitude. First, that He let me hear from you, and second, for you reaching out, reaching back to me. These gifts, remind me of feeling like the luckiest slave who ever lived. Alhamdulillah :)

 

 

 

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

makers of peace don't often get long to relish the ease, putting out the fires from places and peoples externally ignited, misunderstanding coupled with barriers of language, slog through the muck to have solid ground where we're standing and finding. in moments like these, and immediately preceding, when the sky mimics falling and tension takes every avenue for seething, i learn more about precisely why my Moon is so precious, a goal beyond the veil, a goal only for the one who He lets manage to stay strong and convinced; then, like topping of luscious cream on cake already fully baked with every known confection, beyond what's been sought or expected, the Gemini's visage i recall in the skyline, realizing in an instant that every effort has to be what i give...to regain my soul's half along with my superlative twin. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

 is truth a boulder or a wing? i've heard it said that it can free, but though i keep looking for it, freedom still evades my grasp, like catching air barehanded without any other means. wish at times i could be anything other than what i am, questions always building, rising like a tide powered by a storm the size of life, but there's always never enough answers, levees always breaking and broken, sandbags thrown out the way as if they were toys for toddlers, not mechanisms intended to buffer the living from nature. fam keep trying to put in place what they think will bring me "happiness", not realizing how long ago He kept it from me, since the day i sought to be better than i was, choosing a path for Eternity as my end. this world and its sociality, have nothing and nadda to do with me, the most nomadic nomad ever i would guess, always trying to be convinced he's sitting in the lap of luxury when all his eyes tell him is that he's stranded in a desert, absent his beacons, his oceans, an island surrounded by salty truths that he tries swallowing no matter how much their bitterness burns as true. they tell me my Gift is coming, arriving, provision for this life, so it might appear to seem, but the Red Pill remains what i'm taking, still, saturated by distance, some days can turn off the switch be a little less than human, a toast for the automatons! the dead or dying masquerading as living, machinery i can be, got wires enough to connect the poles of current, perhaps for a second need no emotion, no resonance...just for a second.

Pursuit of a mortal

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

some might wonder what makes me tick, as if what's already been written was insufficient, so a summary might be in order, to place all the ducks in a row so they found which route to the shore is shorter.

 

i live to be.....the reason you smile, grinning like a kid who just won the chocolate candy lottery; the one to have you moaning, endlessly, in wave after wave of ecstasy; the reason for your rolling laughter, the very finest of slapstick comedy and exquisitely-timed comic relief; the one who makes joy well up in your eyes till it rolls down your cheeks, into my waiting fingers and kisses appreciative of royalty He permitted this slave to savor and receive; the ride of all your lifetimes, into worlds unknown for us to name, discover their mysteries, give meaning to the breadth of magnificence His creation evokes in our being.

 

perhaps a few more purposes i could tack on to this list, but i think it suffices as a starting point for Eternity, to begin relishing all that it is.

 

 

Connected Dots

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

"I could never be content to graze something and not plunge into the very depths of it whilst drowning every atom of my being whilst praying to be submerged forever." 

 

+ 

 

"are we opposites, you and I, in life, this life?"

 

= 

 

not even opposite in the slightest, the reason I chose the path I'm living, simply so I can be free to be forever diving, along with my beloved, inside an ocean that truly has no ending. the only medium of manifestation, the only place worthy of such presence to be made real, His Firdaus, where plunging goes hand in hand with perfection. this life and its superficial meetings can't suffice me, which is why I'm always seeking the core of things, as far as these eyes can see, and in you I've found (and been reminded), that twinship is a state of being and objective, truly worth every test He would try me with.

 

alhamdulillah for something so beautiful to chase in my sky...life is life only with such amazing, daunting goals. 

Next Week, and time after that

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

much i've said during this lifetime, but so much more still there, waiting. the coming months, in some ways, promise to be the longest of my life. but i accept the terms He lays out, whatever He wishes to extract from me, so that i might have a chance at holding my beloved forever, it's fine with me alh. 

 

my Gift is expected to arrive next Friday (Oct 2nd) iA, so one hopes that her presence tempers the immediate state of apartness. she won't have anyone's shoes to fill, or any particular expectations. whatever parts of being a wife she fulfills, alhamdulillah. whatever she falls short of, i still have to retain every semblance of decency i can, and perhaps help her growth in the process too iA.

 

~

 

for a number of reasons, i do not think i can expect a year like 2020 to ever happen again. gaining deeper insights from my Moon, being revisited and reminded by my Gemini, these blessings...so priceless. ironic right, one of the hardest years ever and here i am already lamenting that it could only happen once. i've said something like this before on occasion: would that i had a thousand lifetimes, each having to endure a thousand cuts, just for being able to know and hear from you again, i would relive all of them, over and over, as many times as He let me. 

 

i suspect this life will continually present sadness inside some shade of the spectrum of our bond, for priorities have to be given and boundaries protected when necessary. most often, this will entail distance, something i know all too well, a very familiar companion of mine.

alhamdulillah, it's not all gloomy. i've found that a recurring, effortless dua echoes in my mind these days, reaching out instinctively to my Rabb, pleading with Him to keep your paths straight and easy and never insufficient. on the one hand, i hate to be parted, maybe now more than ever, knowing as much as He's allowed me to learn of you. but, on the other hand, i know with a certainty that surpasses me down to my bones, my beacons gonna shine for Eternity. and in the meantime, if they happen to forget or be dimmed, i get to be their reminder iA 😁

 

Dua of the Constellation

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

ya Rabb, save her like You're saving me, let her know Your need like life has myself been teaching, we're both Your slaves, created to follow a road, that one day leads back to You and our Home. been thinking when i might reach out, see how her journey fares, but holding back till a moment You deem is right, for such a thing to be shared. cover her, my Rabb, envelop her in Your mercy, so with it only, is how she lives and breathes. expand her breast and let it taste freedom in only Your servitude, the rightest state any created one of us could ever take, the only mantle for the seekers, the knowing ones, the dreamers - for who could be more loftier an aim, than You? who could fulfill every ideal to its perfection, but You? if You would have me know another path of silence, i'd be fine with this, so long as You are the One Who takes care of her every moment, not simply in the daily matters of rizq, but oh Rabb, i want her guidance ever assured in Your care as well. there's no second that passes where her dependency on You could ever be amiss, You pump the blood through her arteries and veins, ensuring her lungs can do enough of their exchange, that life flows to each and every cell, until the time comes for some to end and others born anew to take their place instead. i don't yet understand what it is to be a twin, to have one whose DNA matches what i might think, so i must entrust her to Your affection, that her very existence never loses sight of all You hold, and all You've given. ameen

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if every light shined as bright as you, no doubt my eyes would shutter like they're blinded, so i take it as blessing to have simply you as my Moon, somehow lighting even in silence, even when pathways are cloudy and walls up to near maximal distance, perhaps what i've already seen suffices, to reconstitute fuel from memory whenever the furnace nears too cool in temps. gonna strive to fashion on this canvas as much as i can fathom of "positivity and courage", forces you so implicitly gifted me through my most trying of moments, some bends on this road of life have your blissful presence, while some turns are cloudier and obscure a bit of the ambiance, but the Moon is the Moon for this wayfarer who's never stopped his traveling, never stopped seeking to bring his goal nearer.

this Reality of mine

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gotta keep the chest open, never let it close, or else i'll drown in my own ocean, and not get to see you Home. don't know how long the road is, how many hours minutes or seconds, or how many inches feet or miles, surrounded to excess by time and distance, but this is the price of my life, paid just to see you Then in your fullest. sometimes think i must be the maddest, persisting in a path of apartness, but truly, only His approval matters, that I haven't let Him down while making duas that trace themselves to the top of all His Heavens. so long as you're kept safe and steady, so long as He has your back, then my contentment is whole and intact, and my tongue finds dhikr for its Maker, that He preserve your essence in every moment and weather. smile!! dear beloved, let the physical pain dissipate knowing you're intertwined in my soul and for Eternity chased, these days are mere interludes for survivors, growing stronger more than i wished, but hopefully enough iA to become your wings, and take us ever higher.

Unbalanced Scales

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

"House With No Mirrors", by Sasha Sloan

Randomly came across this earlier today, beautiful but layered with sadness. Wish I could fully describe all the weight societies wrongly place on women, but it is true sometimes one has to *be* in another's shoes to know such things. Fortunately, this song seems to capture much of it, in ways obvious enough for me to grasp as well. 

The plague of self-doubt and diminution and constriction humanity casts on one half of itself is injustice personified. I shouldn't be surprised that contemporary feminism was borne out of such oppression across millennia, but not sold on that as the answer. Why shouldn't women/people be both beautifully self-expressive but modest as well? Why do so many get pulled into extremes whereby they make it seem it must be one or the other? That modesty itself they've outdated, but when it comes to being declothed (ironically serving the nature of men in the process), women can rationalize being champions of the modern self-"empowering" trend?

Difficult questions, but the only answers we can find will be those for ourselves, in our day to day interactions, how we to choose to maintain relationships, regardless of what we find in turn. 

~

don't think my beloved need any mirrors where they live, for my ocean suffices in reflection, taking in their light i've long seen, showing it back to them. but this life, it may not be deep enough, may end up too short, for the reflecting to finish, when such beauty i have the privilege of witness, is too great to summarize in a single lifetime. thus, i need Eternity, the only time and place where justice can breathe, not suffocated, where i can truly encapsulate all my beacons mean, iA.

 

in the Eyes of a Twin

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so that's what amber is like when it sparkles, catching the light from so many angles, gateways to possibility, a reality waiting to be unleashed of its potential. though this year has often found ways to be twisted, your eyes were one of His marvels of mercy, succor for one absent his beloved, a beacon of resonance and hope along various flavors and levels. how could i ever deserve such visitation? i thought my sky was already full to brim with that which calls and holds me in orbit, then this constellation appears after a long-ago sighting, delectably strengthening my anchor to Heaven, an unfathomed layer to a cake that i've long poured my life into baking.

may my Rabb keep my ties to such beacons, unbroken and eternal, pulling and pushing in directions amazing without equal, while coalescing oceans, so every wave we breathe as breathlessly together, as would a pair relishing their Pinnacle, ameen. 

Refining Retrospectives

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It happens often enough in life that certain memories, especially involving those closest to us, leave an indelible mark on not just who we are, but also on those particular relationships, how we relate to them and carry them forward. 

Along these lines, for the past week or 2, I'd been trying to wrap my mind around history possibly repeating itself vis-à-vis my Gift. The challenge of letting someone grow and evolve, and not relegate them to the same looping perspective of, 'if they did it once, they'll do it again', is hard to overstate. Human beings look for patterns, we try to determine what's going to happen based on what's already transpired, but the problem is our sight is extremely limited, there are tons of blindspots in how far (if at all) we can see. 

A certain realization hit me yesterday, that if I am to be able to move forward with my Gift, I need to not view past disappointments as a source of friction between her and I; instead, the challenge of how to internalize and manage the past fitnahs of life has to shift into a matter that is between me and my Creator. It is He Who brought me to that trial, and He Who led me through it. The key point is to try and remove the point of contention away from mortal causes, because we know well how limiting and flawed it can mean to be human, and turn the focus to Allah, especially in terms of expectation. I think the key is to be able to develop a patience borne of expectation from Him of what recompense or goal or ultimate objective is sought. 

For me, it's obvious enough. I've been evolving in this direction for some time. My specific akhirah with my specific beloved is the most precious of all mortal goals. There is a neighboring aim I have related to my Rabb, but that never seems to really fluctuate or seem out of hand...makes sense, as the Creator has no difficulty or aspect of challenge, while the creation are faced with constant changes and challenges. Alhamdulillah for steadiness in these regards.  

As my Moon once said, "dropping baggage and resetting opinions is the hardest thing ever." This is definitely true. I figure that this approach will take regular reinforcement, of consciously holding myself back from formulating a fixed/unchanging opinion of my Gift, of accepting her presently without holding the past against her, and being able to keep the difficulties I've faced strictly as a matter between me and my Rabb, as it should be. 

Side note: 

Like always, I wish I knew how you were doing, what you go through, what ups and downs you're facing. Though I can't, for now, my dua of your finding khair in everything remains.

 

ain't always easy being male

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Poetic, on various levels, but if I had to guess, I think he found it worthwhile 🙈