Sassenach

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Just finished first ep of Outlander with a passionfruit La Croix in hand. Looks like a really good series, and unsurprisingly, I see traces of you just about everywhere in it.

Alhamdulillah for memories old and new :)

 

Soliloquies

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

shade of empty, 7/12

Just a day later, already nothing seems quite as bright, the vessel of the chest does its own contracting, telling me what I’ve long known, when I walked through those eons of night. While absent regrets, I have only submissions, to my Rabb Who owns the heavens I dream of and the earth I’m living. There’s much inside, waiting, wanting release, soon comes rain from these eyes, to water again that which grows still as seed. So striking it is how the world has no answer for this feeling, nothing that comes close or equal even seeming, it’s just incomparably unique while perpetually reminding of how human is need. Away from you, like I'm apart from myself, listening for echoes, of a place and time I haven't yet met.

titleless, 7/2

Allah forgive me, the words won’t stop coming, in any moment thinking, of you hurt or in pain or sadness feeling, when the rivers aren’t dammed then the water runs free, trying to reach my Rabb by any possible means. wish I could take this heart out of my chest, put it into yours, so it sits together side by side with its friend, so you’re never lonely left, always knowing how loved, always consoled, always with hope nearby kept. I know your intent, even if you question it yourself, you are no villain, no mastermind of evil, just a human being, longing to feel.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Oh Rabb, she is Yours, as am I. Be for her what You are for me, give her as You have given me, guide her as You have guided me, for what recourse is there for us but You?

I haven't any other. In my ease, in my troubles, whether alone or in company, it's just You. 

The road it took for me to be here...to have this knowledge as I know my own self...it is incomparably precious. Oh Allah, I beg You for her khair, for her ease, for her safety, whether I know of her or not, whether she remembers me or not. All of everything I've been about, is secondary to her being guided and reminded and uplifted. If You ever gave me the chance in this life, it would take me less than a heartbeat to choose. But if You kept it away...then I've long since accepted Your decree, whatever road it takes me on, whatever choices I'd have to make to reach towards Firdaus, I would. 

With Your permission, I will shine on, regardless of what this life brings or takes or gives or makes, it's all the same. 

Just one hope I would see manifest in this life ya Rabb: for her to shine too. 

 

Epinephrine

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

an Epi for your heart

Everyone needs a jolt from time to time, but how to waken a sleeping dragon, without getting myself caught in its fiery breath, and burnt to a crisp alive?

Perhaps first, I take the example of David (a.s.), facing a potential foe from distance, slingshot in hand, ready to launch syllables in sequence:

Oh Dragon! 

Why do you still lie asleep? 

When the world needs your fire,

To revive from its own ashes,

Everything it had lost from dream. 

Oh Dragon!

Your enemies have you lulled, deceived,

This time is not of your rest,

Rather the era when you must soar,

Reclaiming fuel from every moment,

To let free joy as thunderous roar.

Oh Dragon!! Dear Dragon..

Rise, spread again those wings grown weak!

Let all know from whence it was you came,

So hope and wonder are kindled once more,

And Legend again fills our skies with Belief.

--<@

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, beautiful weather past couple days. Cool, almost brisk early morning breeze and warm sun, such are the simple pleasures life. 

Surface

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes all that I can show, sometimes all that you can see, 

is just the surface of what I am, without the underneath.

who is this surface one? why does he in plain sight hide?
what must he keep wrapped? what currents swim behind his eyes?

if he could jump outside himself,
if he could leave his skin behind,

if he could change his name, his shape,
if he could care naught for the price,

he'd find a way, some way, any way,
just to fly

to your pain

and cover it all

so that it never existed

and you were whole again 

.
..
...

oh Allah, if ever love can heal, let it be in this. somehow, ya Rabb, let it fill the chasm and not widen it, let it fill the holes of life and not make more of them. there is a means to guidance in this, permit us to find it and hold on for as long as You give us life to live, Ameen. 

Lessons of a choice

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Lyrics, by NF

Eternal

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

So the first iteration of this post seemed just didn't seem good enough, not up to par. With a title like that, two not-very-connected stanzas won't cut it. It necessitates something better. InshaAllah.

~~~

A thing not of this world, indeed,

such is what I've always thought,

Too much for life to actualize belief,

so Love is saved, for that highest Cloud,

Where wish everywhere abounds,

Valleys of forests, counting gifts like leaves.

He's brought me this far, through every pain,

kept sanity intact, when all I felt was demise,

Helped hope to grow again,

gave me cause aplenty for which to try.

From now, I expect from Him nothing less,

than to be Who He's always been,

Whether times of ease, or times of distress,

He is my Cure,  my Aid in all moments.

Thus, with His permission,
I will not disappear, 

I will never fade,

with Him, all my aims,

among which, our Final Home

is what I always chase. 

Today is temporal, just a passing phase,

holding within all distraction, 

just a whiff of joy, but much of dismay.

Tomorrow is eternal, the sum of our deeds,

intents, and all facets in between,

with the judgment of our Rabb,

to make clear what we all seemed.

I cannot run from my Maker, there is no escape,

no place of refuge, no delusion strong enough

to subdue what He wills of fate.

But so it's also true: dua can change decree,

and thus is borne my strongest hope,

made of that which pours from my soul,

so Tomorrow I can shape and seek:

Of colors Red and mine, you and I,

in Eternity complete. 

 

In Memoriam

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

still I write, still I glean,

memories from Tomorrow,

a place I've never seen.

it's not far at all, may be some years at most,

so long as we've kept Allah with us close.

every moment's been a treasure,

I love them all without regrets,

to be His slave, while hoping for the best.

you're my thundershower in June,

a month of mine to remember, 

for in it, you came true.

it rained, I soaked, 

it thundered, I gasped

and nearly choked,

but worth every second,

to see my self rebuilt,

and your heart awoke.

such can be the heart: a fickle beast, running where it may, while caring for naught else, but its own release. that's alright, just give it up to Allah, let Him show for you the way, so you might find again: your cloak, your blanket, your breeze, your shade. 

inshaAllah

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

About the lyric:

"..Falling slowly, sing your melody.."

My reply:

this is my melody, drumming like an echo that will never cease,

long as my Rabb grants me breath, gifts me His peace, 

i swear that i will ever keep longing

for our Home in the clouds

where i can love you out loud

where we never fear

of being tempted

or tossed about

or ripped apart

or drowned without sound

join me, in this longing for that hope

join me, as i try to walk this road

join me, to keep a heart always open

if it hurts, then let it pour

if it hurts, then He knows well 

if it hurts, only then can we soar

this love, it's just a seed
this life, the soil that it needs
that Tomorrow, where fruits come into being
now, a test from our Rabb
to see if we let go our wants
for what awaits above

by Allah, i don't mind the pain of being apart

it's but the sweetest sorrow, with which i call

to Him with every drop that falls

pleading that He guard us both

and lead us to my dream
in which we're both complete

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

If

6.25

If it ever gets cold again, then wrap this love around you like a blanket, keeping all of your warmth in.

If the winds of time try to scatter you to pieces, then recall this love as cloak, behind which you're always whole and seamless.

If ever life seems a desert, then know this love is the shade of a tree that grows wherever you might be.

When things turn out just fine, then take this love as gentle breeze, so you might remember Him, with every breath you breathe.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Completion Completed

I write, of that which must be written, a record, experiences summed at last, from pain of the past, to a present overflowing serenity, how can mere words contain expression, how I can tell in truth, the meaning, how Tomorrow shapes overwhelmingly from the good Allah lets me do? The blessings, they're stacked, so high, if I miss them now, shame on me, for I'd be worse than blind, the evidence is ample, His favor: my fuel, gradually sudden, I've self-actually materialized, no longer phantom or ghost, the forward way so clear and concise, beautifully arranged by His permission, so utterly His immaculate design. Regardless what's ahead of me, or what's ever been behind, there's just Tomorrow I seek, full of His grace, all I want to find, light: ever in hope it glows, powered by love it shines, beacons grow into their own constellations, brightness compounded and sublime, gifted and giving, guidance and olive branches, gratitude eternal for our Rabb, Who never left us behind.

Alhamdulillah oh Allah, ever, always.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

If we did not feel the absence of something, how could we appreciate its presence? Often we cannot understand a blessing until we have it no more, as we realize what it truly meant to us only after it's something we no longer know. 

Alhamdulillah though, there are times in life where He brings the circle around again, and not in some mere repetition of what went before. But instead, it is a small precursor of things to come, an arrow pointing nowhere but forward. There, inside of a time we haven't yet existed, there, in it, is the reason for being.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

for the named

Remember Fitz? What a character, what a series. Among the various notions that sit with me long after I've read an epic, some find eternal resonance. With Fitz, it was that of being Sacrifice, by choice and by necessity, something that he intrinsically accepted, even before being aware of having done so. There are numerous parallels between the character and I, but one I think most significant: a desire for selflessness, especially where the heart is concerned.

if again we must part ways, for you to be safe, for me to be sane, I'll gladly pay any price, that my Rabb might have me make. I want your akhirah secure, beyond doubts or shadows or lures, that place, that Pinnacle of Peaks that I chase awake in my dreams, by His mercy I'll have you know what it all means, so you might smile and laugh and be utterly effervescent, carefree in the midst of magnificence. 

this ideal, what we long to embrace, belongs not to this life, it's sheltered only by Allah, under His throne and its shade. if we try to hold it in our hands, it'll burn us to a crisp, making us think we've touched a glimmer of happiness, before the devils taint it beyond imagining, into a thing pulling to darkness instead of bliss. light only guides if its His and calling to Right, every other thing we might perceive, is beauty disguised just 'till skin-deep, whilst underneath is its true deceit.

I don't know if you'll hate me for this, or curse my name for as long as you knew I lived, I don't know if I've just poured mountains of coal inside your soul, while trying to cover the bitter taste of what this reality holds, but if being cast the villain saves you from torment and me from losing my beloved to a future of regret, well, I've never regretted making hard choices before, so long as my Rabb had my back and carried me forward. 

Forgive me, to me you're always forgiven, look ahead, to a time free of this prison, the bird is only caged...until the time comes it isn't.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

These past two weeks, some of the most inexplicable and treasured time I ever have known on this earth. It is as if my Yesterdays, everything that had happened to me in the past, trials and pain and difficulty, all of it literally evaporated....absorbed entirely into the Tomorrow I seek. 

Words, they fail me now more than ever, but alhamdulillah I don't mind this in the slightest. It simply means this particular blessing, at this point in my evolution, is so great, so vast, that I can only resort to my Rabb in such expressionlessness (newly coined word, tyvm).

With Allah's permission, there is one, a beacon for whom I hope I am ever a spark for her light, regardless what position or standing I have in this life. No matter the darknesses we may stumble into, no matter the insufficiency we find in dunya, so long as our light points us back to our Creator, then we're fine, there is no fear, only contentment in being reminded of Him.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Eid Mubarak!

Alhamdulillah, had the chance to go through another Ramadan. Didn't get the most benefit from it I could have, but truly there were so many small (and some not so small) blessings were there to appreciate and count myself continually fortunate by Allah's grace.

~

Sometimes we think love is an investment; it isn't, love is a gift. Let it be given without care for any returns, to those who are precious and inspire us to better. With Allah's help, it then becomes a means for guidance and hope, a beacon calling always to khair, always towards some place brighter.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Gratitude

as the blessing reaches skyline in proportion, measureless and beyond sight extending, the only words I can muster: shukr to my Rabb for every one of His favors unending. this present is far past any future I ever imagined, the wholeness of it I can never capture, writing just a meager attempt to recognize in this His glory and splendor; easiest to notice when the storms have calmed, when the seas subside, when the downpour is a trickle gone, knowing through it all, I am still alive.

if ever I've complained, it's because I was blind to all the gifts He gave, not merely the physical senses, or even the capacity of a heart willing and strengthened, but His way of stitching the tapestries of fate, that I never lost a thing I'd loved, just He took care of them so we might find a better place. no words or deeds of mine will ever suffice, to repay what He's shown and let me find in solace and light, but still I'll try for ever after, with His help a guide towards immortal life.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

as my Rabb permits, inshaAllah

do you know what it is, to let love go, and not hold it in, to let it roam free, not cage it close, I don't know how, but it seems the more I do, the bigger still it grows. not sure what happens to the chest, when it's filled past brim, overflowing past all sense, beyond any point of recognition. to write and rhyme, as effortless as breeze, with this muse that seems infinite unending, sparked into life so easily. 

there is a line, past which I'll never cross, for I'd never choose to harm, or bring to you some loss. of this, for now, my only wish, to always know how your journey is. whether times of ease, or times of pain, whether in drought or plentiful of rain, just awareness shared would content the soul; in knowing how you fare, all of me is whole.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

you

Don't ever cry, don't you ever sadly smile, just because you're one who's always loved, even if that love might take some long while. Don't have to end on happy notes, just go along with life like normal goes, and if any day should come, to darken skies absent light of sun, then may Allah let me shine hope your soul upon. You don't owe me anything, be free as is the wind, that which comes and goes, at need or whim, give him all you can, and let us see what Tomorrow brings. Though oft my words may in sorrow drift, above them all I chase my Garden's bliss. Perhaps more of them I'll write, places I have yet to see, joys I've yet to give, inshaAllah. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

i

even if the world were ash, the sky falling from place, my mind would not budge, hope would not change. no force on this earth, to wrest my arrow from its string, so long as He is my anchor, so long as He is my every thing. no matter what mortal love exists, no matter if all once thought sweet, turns bitter before it reaches lips, the End i seek is an End for which all i give. it is no trade of virtue, no trade of some saint, just the bargain of one flawed, who will always be but slave. i am owned, always have i been, perhaps in returning to the Owner, i find His grace for all it is. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

shardless

there is a point, in between destruction and creation, where sense fades to dust, while the heart embraces all there is to feel, to yield a thing complete yet not quite finished. it has no edges, no separated pieces, but to look inside would show a million different prisms, as if light itself were made from things so chaotic seeming. I've never known such a state, balanced betwixt two such planes, neither doom nor salvation, but an intermingled fulcrum, of what seems to me as one and same. still, the lungs breathe, and blood flows, the Journey's end, a thing I long to know.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Rain, it comes when it comes, doesn't always stay, often it's pleasant, just to stand in its midst, let it fall on the face. I've never been an architect of anything, just a wandering nomad, needing always my Rabb and everything He gives. Been so long since I've found this life wasn't mine to live, not where I can truly breathe, not where my dreams can flourish. Thus I gave Allah all of those hopes, both mortal and amazing in scope, that any trade I make with Him, is but a meager means to seek what He has always owned. 

Oh dear beloved, whether under stars shining or blackened in darkness, the sky is still above you, calling to find Allah amidst all our troubles, no matter how far gone we think the self is. Don't let the devils in, or else they will never leave, luring always towards things we think we must have, or else all life is failed, beneath the crush of ambition's heave. If we don't find for our selves a host, a covering in human raiment, then let that need go, like the breeze troubled for just an instant, which then just settles for wherever its Rabb lets it be content. Chase Jannah like it's the only thing you know, for it's the only place that lasts, this life is just our test, to see if we choose between Now and Tomorrow, the better half.  

Ya Rabb, make easy and open the road for my beacons, forgive them their sins, allow them patience in all moments, that You may keep them close through every season, ameen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I suppose it's nice to be somewhere in between:

the heavens and the earth

the skies and the seas

the wind and its breeze

pushing or pulled

sewn close or apart at the seams

juxta- all the -positions

while unknowns comprise one's destiny

sometimes happiness is the shade

on a hot summer's day

sometimes sadness is the rain

on a chilly winter's night

sometimes weather altogether absent

as feeling loses flavor, becoming merely templess

no tragedies = a gift, no elations = a caution, 

hand in hand walk these twins

hopefully fearing while fearlessly not needing hope as often

my Rabb, my respite, while soundless this desert, 

perhaps scorching the heat, my senses left senseless

as the moment consumes 

and walking forward

the only end, of a journey sometimes endless

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, always. Today I experienced something completely new, completely unknown before. While visiting relatives, for the first time, of the current potential, I found a...warmth, genuine acceptance, khair, from people I had either never met or only ever said salaam to when I was kid...yet in this moment, somehow after those evolutions in life, the circle Allah brings back around, these were people there, for me. Like...whaaat? Huh? Amazed in a number of inexplicable ways. What makes this so mind-blowing is that what I came across today, I never even knew from my own family o_O...those who've known me every day of my life lol. Wtf indeed. Truth be told, my fam never did ill by me, perhaps the only thing I could say is I didn't find acceptance from them till much later in life, acceptance of me being me and not some gibbering regurgitated notion from their culture and preconceptions. But fam still loved, still supported me through it all. But this acceptance is a tricky thing, because it truly is the undercurrent of belonging. People can give a person all the love they want, all the support, but if they haven't accepted them, how does that one truly think or feel any belonging? SubhanaAllah. I don't gripe against anyone, just the sheer irony of what I've known versus today is just so contrasting I can't process it yet. 

Today I can only call a monumental blessing from my Rabb, that He makes strangers as heartfelt friends in an instant of His choosing. Whatever the road ahead of me in this life, I can say with ease it matters not what trials I find here. The key is just that I remain a purposeful 'abd of Allah, and the rest is what it is. May He also forgive me and my fam for all our mistakes and protect us from all evil and ill-feeling, ameen. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Slowly the roads are being built, like tracks laid down from soul to soul. For me, what is the sum of my effort except but to put forth something good, something decent? Compared to what Allah puts in place, what He brings together, it is just so paltry, so tiny. This reminds me of the sweet irony of His request to believers to make a beautiful loan to Him...of what He already owns, of what He gave, of what He Himself made in the first place. The right is His beyond measure without asking, without imploring, yet there are places in the Qur'an where Allah just exhorts, just makes an enticing request to His slaves, that they give Him their worldly lives, their worldly wealth, in return for His Eternity surrounding by unimaginable luxury and comfort and happiness and contentment. 

The shame should be for His slaves, that their Creator ever need ask them what should be our instinct for Him by any reasonable assumption. Still, He is Ash-Shakur, Al-Kareem. It would not do for Him to be anything less than perfection in every respect. 

Back to what began this thought, my Rabb has this matter firmly in hand. Though I still seem to worry a bit now and again, the resolution of what I seek can only be with Him, with what He wills for me. Perhaps it is the case that as one approaches the fullest bloom of the ideal, it is so bright that one's eyes must close and trust be handed over to He Who made the sight to begin with. Of the sweetest imaginings, this potential...at times I can see the reflection of what I seek in her yet even more than that: a temperance and lightness of nature that is indescribably suited on some level to me. This road, this strange road for a strange nomad..subhanaAllah is what it is. All that's left for me, to submit and keep trying to submit so long as I remain iA.