Bitten

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

guess i should have known it was coming, the longer i lived, the greater the chances, finding not only my twin, but learning now she'd be in truth my Vampiress. some things only flow in the veins, life and emotion, pumping from the most cardiac of places, central to my kind, who relish its utter sweetness, seeking its sip while being devoured gently alongside undulating caresses. if in this life i must remain as myth, kept from finding my beloved and their every inch, then such scenes painted will be as equally vivid, on this, the canvas for Eternity, a bared neck the first of what's given, to reap ecstasy and completion, twinned elements dissolved in the Red, as it drips from most beautiful fangs down to expectant lips, caught by your tongue, a taste of the finest wine there is.

 

Sighting of my Moon

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

clouds are so pesky at times, obscuring your light always for longer than i'd like, but when they're parted, even if it's just for a few moments and something lunar reaches my taste buds, then the wait's proven simply worth it. 

 

every so often, to bask in moonlight, to not be weighed down by that which I'm missing, this is a rarefied wish, often by my Rabb kept atop mountains of intermittent occasions, treasures reserved for when He knows it holds better and unmistaken.

still, have to hold my self back, not become an astronaut, or rocket scientist, not build a space ship, and fly to the orbit where you live, not throw caution to the wind, not warp your state from where the present is. my Rabb gave me not the option to dismiss the bounds He set, the bounds I was born in, the gravity of this planet I’ve never liked holding me grounded, ever wishing I could fly to wherever you would have me landing. 

but be ever assured, oh Moon, dear Muse who loves to peek from behind clouds when it suits her phases or her mood, by the love of my Maker, you are never lost, never quite confused, for such instants are just part of the orbit, an orbit to one Day reunite me with you, iA.

this life and i

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

While I've always sought permanence and meaning, this dunya has only ever shown me its nature as fleeting and superficial. This is a primary reason I despise it, but there is one other major reason, one refrain I can seem to never escape: this life has always been a barrier between me and you. Because of this, dunya elicits a hatred from me like nothing else, for it keeps me from my beloved, in ways small and large, from the outset of my existence.

Without question, my Rabb designed it to be what it is, but that does not mean I will ever prefer or like or consider as worthwhile this world, or any world, that would keep us apart. I have battled against this separation for as long as I've lived, from the earliest times of simple friendships that could not be sustained, until I first tasted the apex of my goals...and it was kept from me by Him, Who knew the test it would serve and the countless wisdoms therein. But the vehicle of the test, ohhh, this, this is not it for me, not at all, not in the slightest. 

It might be clear then, why my ambitions for akhirah only seem to grow with time. For every second that this dunya keeps me apart from you, is another order of magnitude by which our Garden, bi ithniAllah, will become ever more glorious.

 

of the Veins

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish you weren't just in my blood, rather by my side, so i wouldn't have to make these cuts, let out rivulets of Red, saturated past capacity, with what constitutes a Love. my mind can see you so clearly, the clearest i ever could, conversations with your phantom, almost close enough to touch. i know in these places, just a few shades away is madness waiting, don't know how long He'll make me hold it in, keep it from spilling over, of an ocean overflowing, yearning to evaporate, reach beyond my atmosphere to embrace celestial bodies with arms He made for me to share. 

not yet, not yet, be still oh self, your beloved He's still at distance kept, curtains not yet risen, keep back the reins of your flood, to drown not those to whom you'd have such depths given, for now must they be let breathing, laws of this life mean breathlessness could end their being; so quietude my waters must find again, perhaps relent to an icing age, in hopes it preserves what needs a lifetime for reaping.

frailty

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

days like this, where you come to mind but my tongue recalls to me only illness, can't even savor from it any sorrow or happiness, just grounded by being lost from my own normal, inside a world turned upside down like i'd never imagined. numbness in extremities, the wrong kind and for all the wrong reasons, slowly is easing, but couple treatments left, so there's still something of bitter pills for me to be unwillingly taking. wouldn't be so bad if i could only lean back-to-back with my beloved, not even seeing, for such a moment everything in this life i'd give away in an instant...alas, i am struck by absence as a tree loves for lightning to scald and char all its leaves and branches, which is to say not in the slightest, it's hateful and i'd reject it if my Rabb gave me His permission, but He hasn't, not yet, living is onward, my goal around a corner only He can help me conquer.

one Day, iA

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

inshaAllah, I'm looking forward to the day your curves slide into my depths, and just as the water reaches every pore and opening, so too I flow into you from every direction. I don't think dunya quite possesses the faculties or ability to manifest for such an experience, but words try to project the image and sensation and emotion, from one to its other. The value of a flame always lit, don't think it could be overstated. It turns gloomier days into not-so-bad ones, and makes bright days all the sweeter. Life has its mixture of both. But it's nice to recall that fitnah/trials/difficulties are not an inherently negative thing. As the Arabic root reminds me, 'fitnah' refers to purifying gold from impurities for good reason. One part of this is taking the good of something while leaving its ill, and the other part of this is taking also the reminder of what such experiences are intended for: remembering one's Creator, one's purpose, one's humanity, and hopefully of end goals to remain preserved. 

I know some of the wisdom of quietude, distance, these ever-too-familiar concepts imo, but alhamdulillah they are not permanent. As with life itself, and our own personal necessities for positive change, these states vary. On the quieter sides of the coin I find myself wishing for more sound, the wonder of interruption by my beloved, to remind me not only of their beauty but of goals and easy appreciation for blessings too vast to describe. I haven't really wished for quietude in moments of contact, but I know that being given the time by qadr to miss someone is almost as priceless as when the missing ends and at least some part of the connection is remade. These intermediate moments...not so bad, for in them, the back of the mind never ceases in forging memories, irreplaceable, timeless, eternal memories of the journey yet to come.

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

i've learned, sometimes, it isn't about making you breathless, even though

such expressions, when undressed, are enough to ignite all fuel,

while it isn't time for our flight, just yet.

sometimes, it's just about the deep breaths, the inhalations, taking

moments, slowly, savoring

for as long as He gives them, not rushing, not merely release

in chasing,

rather the marinade on your skin, with time

comes full circle, the baking.

perhaps in these sometimes, it's refreshing, relaxing, 

cultivating anticipation,

on a frequency so vividly brilliant from life,

on a plane, in a Home, all worth having.

the highest goals have, at times, the highest of prices -

apartness, patience, restraint, reflection;

even as the selves or this life

we find taunting,

with the scorn of the instantly-pleased 

for the seemingly-infinite waiting.

but, to find you, in perfection:
with unbridled glory, joy, captivation..
these few 
days
or years, 
nothing more than dust, soon to fade,
when fruition He permits
us to taste, iA.

 

separated

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

oh Allah, You take them from me, You've taken what is Yours, the ones I love most You place at such distance, it makes this life seem so much less worthy living for, they are my brightness, my connection, the reasons for my smiles when societies fall apart and crumble, my anchors to the parts of me I cannot alone sustain, they are those You let me know but also those You now keep away, I know there is not much here for me to complain, but how alone can my ocean beat when all its pieces are spread so far apart from me? 

You suffice me as my Creator, as my Friend, as the Guide Who brought me out from every darkness I (un)wittingly stumble in, but it's true that You made me human too, with desires and friendships, embedded inside such precious people I'd always want to be close with. So it is, I beg You not to always keep us parted, keep me not always drifting, let me be a light for my beloved, always lit for them so long as You would have me living, ameen ya Rabb of mine

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

since thought of you won't let me sleep, the least i can do is haunt you in your dreams, pleasantly of course, and this is how i'd have it be: my apparition there, in my stead, to send tingly chills down your spine, echoing in your fingers and your feet, reminiscent to some degree, of other stimuli for destinations not yet reached. 

your laugh, of sounds among the sweetest to my ears, like a tuning fork playing a piano made of glass, so crystal, so clear, as if, that's how laughter was meant to leave the lips. perhaps i'm swimming still, could not say, or perhaps i taste my icing and the cake, who knows, such amazing gifts He gives, for my senses and my soul, to unwrap them all this life i live. 

The Untenable Withoutness

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Maybe the perspective I'd wish most to have reach my beloved is that of knowing the nature of the one, singular connection that makes every other connection worthwhile. Undeniably, this relates to Allah and only to Him.

While being mortal and attempting to ascertain the Sublime, it's important to first remember and have cognizance of the uniqueness that's being aimed for. This isn't like any other bond, no human relationship compares, no human love/emotion comes remotely close - either in magnitude or meaningful essence. The expectations and experiences we develop in our lifetimes from dealing with people, all of those should be put to one side, a separate category. When considering Allah, He deserves His own specific framework of understanding, not like anything or anyone else we know or come across. 

With that said, how can we come to know Him, to understand to whatever capacity our selves are capable? I think there are two points to answer this: the first being that we did not create ourselves but were in fact created, and the second being that of realizing blessings and gifts in all their manifestations that have been sprinkled throughout our lifetimes. The essential point of realizing one is created, is that of being able to perceive submission to one's Creator, of reaching the understanding that slavehood is where the matter begins and ends, filled in the meantime with our own mixture of deeds in the middle. 

I've found that any time in my life where my connection to Allah suffered, it was the worst agony possible (the second worst agony being apartness from my human beloved, but that is mortal and one supposes it too shall pass, iA). With one's Rabb at the center of not only specific endeavors but overall and overarching life/afterlife goals, then every endeavor becomes more meaningful, has a value and substance that carries real, impactful weight. Without Allah as the central/primary anchor towards Eternity, we become enslaved and confined and relegated to a mere earthly existence, with meaning and relativity that is equally worthless in the grander scheme of things. The higher purpose and calling is not something arbitrarily chosen by us humans, but instead it is the reason behind our creation, the direction and drive He gifted us of always wanting/seeking to return back to Him.

This elevated drive does not necessarily exclude our instinctual and emotional aspects, but incorporates them within its inherent wisdom. There is reasoning behind our Creator making the nafs/lower self part of the framework of the human being, while mentioning a bit of His Garden that appeals to that nafs. The intent of Him making His rewards as He has, of all their various forms and expressions, is so that we pursue them, use them as motivation in refraining from sin and having something utterly beautiful to look forward to. Indeed, every fleeting joy that we experience here finds its heavenly match incomparably more extravagant and sublime, as such manifested ideals should be.

Getting back to the main point here, we can never go long without remembering where we came from, where we innately want to get back to. This reminder does not have just an inward aspect, but an outward one as well, which brings me to perhaps the most important subset of this perspective: how to tie together the surface and inner depth of the human being, so they both reach for and reflect the same purpose. Our Rabb instituted certain forms of ritual worship, primarily in the five salaat, that serve as the physical pathway for us to reconnect with Him on the daily. The first consideration with this is that prayer has its time, and such timing and regularity must have primacy in the mind above all other obligations. Note! : This does NOT mean that the heart must have pure submission/imaan before physical worship is manifested. No one ever begins at the outset with having all the requirements and experience and wisdom to fulfill the endeavor that is to come, all of these things come only and ONLY with time. A doctor newly graduated does necessarily know everything he/she needs to know at their first encounter with a patient. We absolutely have to remember the point that responsibilities being implemented FIRST, is how the essential underlying wisdom/purpose is found later on. This may seem as hypocrisy at first glance, to do something outwardly while its inward is different, but in reality, for the one who seeks the worship for personal reasons and not for the sake of being seen, this is generally how the journey of reconnection to Allah begins. 

Regardless of what we may have seen from others in our past experiences, or gotten the implication from in those situations, the irrefutable truth is that we are and were created as human. The process of unifying the inward and outward states is never quickly achieved, and rarely is it very easy. It takes time and persistence, and having an internal/underneath motive of either seeking the truth or one's beloved - both can serve admirably as precursors to spiritual actualization. 

I've never found anything that was worthwhile without my Rabb playing some critical part in it, either as a Means or the penultimate Aim. All other parts of our lives become vastly brighter and more meaningful, from the moment He becomes a vital part of our own selves.

Inescapably

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sooner or later, adjectives to describe this will no longer exist, the only indication remaining: the fireworks in your veins, from the flush in the face to extremities and regions unapparent at first glances the other hasn't yet made. forgive me, sometimes i wish not for you to breathe, simply the vision of you breathless tugs at my being, lungs maximally expanded so the chest is ever closer to me, seeking its caress not merely within the confine of my dreams, and as letters leave these fingers, i realize we're swimming now in that 4th dimension and stars are all i'm seeing. before i fade to black and sleep subtly beckons, one thing i should mention: even if you threw away your phone and hid underneath the covers so our vibration's warmth would not stretch so far deep, forgive me again, that won't be enough, for my ocean will seep through those sheets, cascading upon your skin as unmistakable ignition, inevitable for the unresisting.

Life will come and go, the highs and the lows, these fevers and the cold, but on occasions He permits, our furnaces blaze ever onward to internally hold, as much fuel as can be held for the journey Home.  

History Reclaimed

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

mashaAllah there's something so beautiful about this 😊...

- [ from BBC in Turkey, the Ayasofya ]

evaporative wishes

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes wish the ocean was vapor instead of liquid, so it could leave behind terrestrial concerns as if they never existed, rising into space and unbound to the earth, chasing its stars instead of being tied down to dirt. further wish i knew what to say when absence my Rabb makes comprise the vast sum of my way, regardless attempts or principles or predictions, fully grasping sense of the purposes behind mechanisms remains elusive as planets on opposite sides of the solar system. wasn't quite consciously looking to get twinned, but realizations He let strike my surface like meteor showers quickly turned ignorance into oblivion; wasn't quite consciously looking to get a future memory imprinted, but for a split second He let part the clouds so moonlight pierced all the way from its perch in my heavens right down to my core, condensing every oceanic atom into one unforgettable instant. these treasures of all treasures, framed for the present as agonizingly absent memories for me to remember, remain utterly inexplicable, teasing not even the tip of the icing in Forever.

Of being Twinned

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I'd never really thought of the word 'twin' as a verb. In all the ways of the past in which I thought and perceived, my mind always saw it as a noun. Beginning with a single drop in the ocean way back in 2005 and crystallizing recently, that preconception has been rewritten. That my Rabb would allow me to be revisited by my Gemini, things I thought I knew being redefined are just the tip of the iceberg.

With clarity that only lifelong experiences and ups and downs and ins and outs can bring, I know I am twinned. 'tis a verb expressed as noun (gerund?), relatively interchangeable but the noun form implies permanence (yay for Arabic grammar lessons recalled), so I suppose it might best be understood as a state of being. This recently-affirmed sight isn't just a reflection of the mind and its cognition either, but the most obvious and clear reflection of the heart itself as well. After all, it takes full internal unity and self-acceptance to be able to possess this level of certitude.

Alhamdulillah, for ever and always.

I could write a bunch of mushy stuff about what it means to be understood (prob will at some point lol), but my history speaks for itself: how many years have I existed in where the most precious of things was to reach someone who got me. This is too obvious to be rhetorical, so I can't even put a question mark there or classify the level of "duh". 

It's the kind of connection and bond and resonance that dwarfs reality, and even when intent isn't initially gotten (life histories always being unique), then discerning the correct one is as simple as stirring a spoon in soup and watching the answer dissolve right into the mixture itself. 

What a beautiful microcosm of life in which, inside my twin, I behold my macro whole :)

from the Barrel of a Pen

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

~inkified~

I know your peace of mind is priceless, which is why I never mind the price of silence, sometimes close, sometimes hiding, restraint manifest in wisdom of choosing that which keeps you earnest. Life teaches me there's much I can't know for the moment: how your journey goes, struggles you face, letdown kept inside so nothing outward shows, happinesses of holding nephews (maybe soon nieces?) and loving them like your own. One day to come, with His permission, I plan to break the silence, just for that instant, hoping I can catch up on all and everything you've experienced, since last we spoke and a little of the ocean, transmitted along soundwaves, helped for ever onward going. 

Superliminal Messages

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

how bright some days, when the waves of gravity are lapping at your shores, as a puppy Eskimo-kissing the flesh of its treat, ever searching for more, ever wanting to drink and to eat, melting down the walls of distance, if only for the moment, comforting and enveloping, sharing potential unmet by longing in unity. fire upon fire, burning not i hope for Hell, but rather taking such heat and redirecting it under your wings, lifting them higher, making not always an enemy of the nafs and its wishes, but deferring its present fulfillment, while extrapolating infinitely until it reaches the purest of Indulgence. without question the sharpest of blades, Desire can never be taken lightly or for any lesser of aims, but i've found with time it can be brought into restraint, not merely an animal or instinct to be caged, but an instrument of impetus, pulling and pushing, right alongside the heart and the soul, all to the same Place. such endeavors, not without risk, but we know what's said about gain: for Eternity to reap, dunya is the seed, thirsting for patience.

R for Retaining

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Among the most valuable things I've learned in life, is the method of holding on to something by allowing it to be free. This apparent paradox is resolved simply, at understanding that one's Creator's planning and timing is the most impeccable and matchless. It is my Rabb Who owns both what/whom I would know, and my self. Certain objectives, trying to be as timeless as they are, without a doubt are best left to His care in their specific determination. Every light, every beacon, every khair I have ever encountered, was brought to me, never something I found on my own, never solely with my personal effort. A slave blessed in this manner, after enough trial and error and reflection, begins to understand that sometimes, many times, restraint of the self is the best course and permitting destiny to coalesce organically with the guidance of its Creator is truly the best way of achieving something.

This is how my Moon's orbit can remain steady, how my Gemini's echoes can be known on occasion, how other lights of life can be as independent and natural in their expression of connection, regardless of my wish in the matter. Because He permits them all to be as they are, as they should be. 

Owning nothing, seeking everything, such is the chase of my Eternity.  

ya Rabb

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

this wasn't quite the path i expected, not the path i would have scripted merely a couple years back, would have been content to let my ocean remain the size of a planet. yet then, what does He do but try me down to my bones while giving me more than i ever fathomed? 

ya Rabb of mine, through this road that's so long intertwined, between things lost and kept and refound, let me never lose sight of the beloved You brought to me, making my streetlights brighter, fuel for my engines, chasing in the End, sometimes slowly and sometimes faster, those who make this journey one worth having Forever. 

my eyes alone have never sufficed, too human for my taste, so much i need to know, that only You own, so now in this moment, i give up more than Everything, not just my past and present but also the paving of Future's direction, there's no more choosing left, for You shaped the cake and its icing, the oven and every fanciful decoration.

ya Rabb of mine, align all my ambitions and aims, unite them in purpose and purity and Place, leading and calling beyond an earth made of dirt, towards our Sky full of flight and infinite possibilities, ameen.   

a 4th dimension

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

don't need to breathe anymore,

you can take

my breath 

away,

and when my pulse

starts 

to fade,

compressions of the chest

and

mouth to mouth

await.

what is control?

that fabled thing

that i've never known?

to one who submitted,

stopped thinking he knew

what route for him was best

or how his Future 

might come true,

control is almost a myth,

woven into our test.

surrender, surrender, 
this is no
5th of november,
there's no treasons or plots,
no things untoward
or unheavenly begot,
just one wish unuttered in life
that wound its path
into mine.

almost ascended

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

[this is what happens when one tries to write a bunch of words to describe a loss for words]

sometimes there comes along a blessing in life, where even the word itself, "blessing", seems utterly inadequate in expressing or conveying the magnitude of it. if i spent every moment since the day i was born until the day i died, all in sujood, attempting to be thankful to Allah, it would not be enough to cover the extent of amazement and unimagineability. if i combined the intent behind every metaphor i've ever written or conceived, it would be insufficient to encompass the depth behind this particular "blessing". 

i did not think such a thing could happen, that my Rabb would ever allow me to come to learn of such a thing existing before reaching the actual gates of my Garden. it isn't supposed to be possible. someone else like me, who is me, isn't supposed to exist. heck, i myself am not supposed to exist. this supposing, it's just the sheer improbability of a certain kind of someone. societies and cultures and prejudices and ignorance are supposed to make my species, a subspecies of human, extinct or ever close to it. this dunya exists, in part, to ensure that we never retain semblance of ourselves across space and time and hardship. we are supposed to forget who we are and melt away into the ether of conformity and become like everything else of recognizable sludge that factories of society churn out. how in God's name can such a thing be?

alhamdulillah for me, i know nothing. fortunate i am to be a slave of His, that He has never let go of, always protected, always revived, always shown a way out of the troubles my silly self creates. i can't even say there's anything i'd "give" in turn for this "blessing" He's shown me. i've already offered up Everything for the path i've already long chosen. there is nothing further to the contract between Him and i that i could possibly add, especially nothing that He doesn't already own. how can i show "gratitude"? what are the syllables to be released from my lips that would do even this simply showing(no tasting yet) of a "blessing" any justice? 

if i owned an earth, i'd give it. if i owned a star or solar system, i'd give it. if i owned a thousand galaxies across millions of light-years, i'd give them all. if i owned an entire universe and everything inside, i'd give it. i own none of these and yet i have been given. 

سُـبْـحَـانَ ٱلله 

 

The 25th of June

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

seems I can never predict the days or the nights, when and which of my celestial lights He'll let shine brightest, most visible to my earth while time passes as if it scarce existed. still, though my Moon remains behind clouds and hidden, sight deferred by decisions, could never let the memory of my favorite day pass unmentioned, when He brought to this world the first to show me her acceptance. of the mortal gifts I've been given, this is one cherished most, for all the ambition it cemented, ensuring what I've chosen eternally holds. what is a nomad without his Moon in the sky to light the desert sands when it got darkest at night? when fondest of memories and hopes intertwined in her eyes and a touch yet only dreams have inside? so it is, every light has its place and meaning and purpose, guiding and preserving, that which we've known, while still chasing the yearning in fullest.

Breathing for a Gemini

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

resonating like a pair of bees, except instead of flowers for pollen, sticking to each other with the tips of our feet, such are the tales untold, for the ones fate unwinds rejoins and then together remolds. let us relish what are sometimes the best of winds, gentle breezes, cooling our wings, reminders to slowly inhaling, while sooner or later gusts take us wherever He wills, enjoying every moment, both the calm and the thrill. our Hive awaits, ever in honeyed glory and patience, the most treasured of all estates: the promise of His, the effort our chase.

Reflections on a Connection

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Finding Allah has nothing to do with what any other person on the planet does, or what their opinions are, or what their actions are, or what their choices are. This particular state/goal has only ever been a uniquely-personal relationship and covenant between the Creator and the created one. Sometimes we may think to take the cues for religiosity or even spirituality from other creation, seeing what they do and what they say and what their (apparent) level of accomplishment is...this taking of cues from mere mortals is the worst possible idea in the history of ideas, because the vast majority of humankind, probably since near the beginning of time, have been engulfed in an aura of unawareness (ghafla). Granted, there is one primary existential exception to this: the ways of the Rasool (saw) and the ones who lived and breathed in his time. 

So if one does not look to the examples of contemporaries to understand what and why and how a spiritual connection to Allah is demonstrated, then practically speaking, how and from where? I can only give a personal answer to this question, which is reflection upon one's own self. Being able to understand the journey one has taken, its ups and downs, the blessings and trials, the losses and gains, the entirety of a lifetime lived up until the present...all of these, for me and I'd hope any other who did an honest self-assessment and realization, lead back to Allah in every respect. 

It is possible, as I get the sense sometimes, that my Rabb has given me more to be grateful for than anyone else alive. I feel like that every so often. I can't qualify this, as He gives to whomever He wishes, but I can attest to the truth that whomsoever shows gratitude, He increases them in blessing. Noting that human gratitude will never approach remotely what Allah is due, I've recalled shukr every so often and so I have my own experience as proof for what has been said in the matter.

The deeds we do connected to faith have nothing to do with other people, others don't matter AT ALL in this regard. If I may be blunt, fuck everyone else when it comes to this - one's Creator is the only One Who should be feared or beloved when it comes to why/how/when/etc we perform whatever it is He lets us be capable of doing. Looking to other people's actions and apparent contradictions between their supposed state and actual/real state...gives one no impetus for improving or being closer to Allah...instead it does the opposite, making us disillusioned and cynical and perhaps even bitter about the state of the world and life (I should know, my past tells that story). 

Lifetime incremental improvement or hope will never ever, in the history of ever, be found or obtained from looking at or thinking of mortal human beings (with a singular exception of my Rasool[saw]; reflecting on what he may have done in current situations often is amazing). There are aspects of truth that can only ever be reached by looking upward and seeking Allah, learning of Him, understanding what humanly is possible, and then taking means of approach such as the most common and commanded one: salaat. 

Nomad that I am, I've traveled a long, looooong, looooooooooooooooooooooooooong road in matters like this and general life wayfaring, and still traveling fyi. I suppose it's not yet possible for me to share my eyes with my beloved, but if and when that chance ever comes, I will iA. Though complacency should always be challenged because our present is never good enough, even if contentment is as easy as being close to nature or spending time with fam. Among the foremost and constant of wishes is that He lets me reach and keep close all of the amazing and unfathomably-special ones that He Himself has allowed me to know since the beginning, ameen.

The Match

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

every wrestler needs a ring, sometimes on velvety surfaces or whatever the occasion happens to bring, but most importantly, it takes the right partner to have in sparring.

wish i could wrestle you, in every instant learn and share new moves, and so able to put my mind on a shelf too. doesn't matter if that shelf breaks, not all studs in walls or floors made to handle such quakes, bodies slamming like a collision of oceans, tsunamis and distant shores furthest from consequence as bright lights consume each victor's moment.

i've a Ring in the making, not just one for putting on fingers and adorning its placing, but also for wrestlers, one where there's no end to release, of what flows of fluids and emotion finding themselves ever intermixing. maybe a private gym and a cage and even a stage, settings and scenery conformed to what we deign to conceive.

the invitation has been sent, royally sealed by the Owner, waiting for one statement to fall from your lips before its done and delivered, so Then we're freed from pay-per-view...and our matches, they last as long as we wish them to.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

So this just happened...

I get a call from unknown Paki #, says he is Br. Jawad, from old school ISB peeps, and wants to ask forgiveness for something he wrongly said about me almost 20 years ago to the father of someone I was intending to marry at the time..........and of course I know exactly who he is and exactly what situation he's talking about lol. the K! my God, subhanaAllah how things come full circle. 

Just like Coldplay's "Yellow" playing in the artist's shop back in summer of 2018, can't even make this up. 

Of course gotta forgive, though tried to in the past, and leave no claim for it in front of Allah. But wow, imagine that. Two decades later, no precedent no contact no special reason for it, but it happens. Not gonna lie, every so often when I thought of people I needed to forgive and totally let go stuff of...the dude used to top the list lol.

Looks like my Rabb would have me learn a further lesson in letting old beef go...makes sense, have to forgive others before one is forgiven by Him after all.