Momented

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah for the blessings, maybe even more so for the vision, trial as it is, it's where He's kept you simmering, a broth for the chill or a breeze for the summer, sometimes when i fade...vision is the only place where any part of me remains. my evolutions are coming, mutuality achieved (alh) with the Mia that He sought fit to bloom as my Vined Rose, no longer virtual the touch or taste, though not perpetual the dip as my nature is wont to dive in over and over. that's alright, this life is merely the beginning, an iceberg's tip barely touched the skin of a finger, so much more to be melted - at the top of that list, you, laid out amongst sweets and clotted creams, a scene befitting the Cookie Monster and her endless scones and treats. i don't know how long i will last, how He will try me further, whether He would choose to dissipate my chase of Forever inside the swamp of this life's trials that seem to me perpetually tethered...but i know for as long as in me a drop of sanity remains, a drop of remembrance, a few breaths after i remember my Maker, is thought of our union, your Balcony, carved out of my dreams and into your Garden's palaces, the gift for a slave who stayed true to who she was when all this life wanted to do was take it away, iA

Echo

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

some days words come to mind, waiting to be written, but there's no pen at hand, no keys near to be typed on, so they whisper to the wind, whisper to their Rabb, of matters wish i fully understood, but incompletion is like the permafrost of life, even when it's melting, even with the warming globe, some wisdoms remain hidden from us, even when obvious is how matters seem to unfold. have to restrain the nafs, find contentment in the wait, between periods of sufficiency, sandwiching moments that seem as frail and frozen lakes. i know He holds all my vision, encompasses its every shade, from joy to madness unrestrained, all held firmly in place, so i teeter not on that brink, walk not close to an edge, try to realize the limits, and keep back my limbs from not listening, though parts do scream, painting landscapes and scenes, sometimes everywhere in the mind, then taunting me with their captured unrelease, so then my blood flows but has no outlet, no brush to manifest the canvas, and i am real but it seems made of something not able to savor worldly substance. i know, even if ever something i said or did, didn't make sense to you, you'd still understand, still grasp it, because you grasp me, and to be held and beholden, not as slave but lover so bespoken, that is our treasured aim, our rarefied wish, to find company in that cloud, when this life is so grounding, at times so devoid of joy and mirthless; company of the Muse with her Spark: this, the apex of what it means to be as human.

conceiving the Two Rivers

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

survival is a long, long road. it doesn't consist of just one stop sign or one intersection, but the journey itself is littered with obstructions, at every corner and bend imaginable. in small but consistent ways, i evolve. for me, every evolution is primarily about perspective, expanding it, accepting the various factors that my Rabb incorporated into this life, aspects that weren't chosen but rather exist simply to be overcome. 

 

living, going onward, chasing, enduring, having enough fuel enough for the trip.

 

all of this, reminds me of a man who has at his right and his left, two rivers. he is in a boat, and one paddle must dip into the river Now and the other paddle must dip into the river Tomorrow, and only in that way, right and left followed by right and left, does the steer of the ship remain straight; only in this way, might his mind be able to keep sane. 

 

consequences and needs worldly, of sustenance and taking part in earning and supporting and caring...must combine with consequences and needs otherworldly, of intent and action and remembrance of one's Maker and His Rasool (saw). 

people might look at this and wonder, of course this is so, how could it have taken you so long to reach this? they might not know how deep my internal resistance ran, how long and often i kept distant from being too closely tied to this earth. right now, it doesn't feel like i've overcome anything, rather just that i accept (maybe even embrace) treading through this reality, taking in what it is without separating myself from it cognitively. possibly this was at the root of my lifelong dissonance, but also acceptance entails being okay that dunya and i will simply always be different. i will try to never be absorbed by it, or drowned in it, but it is a bewildering swamp that He decreed i walk through, so my steps will be in it, whether my liking is there or not.

i do love rivers. though not all such bodies of water are created equal. an ocean, freshwater, would still be my preference. sometimes i am emptied of this wish, emptied of the ones who fill it, emptied of the Muse that enlightens it,..but this is okay too, the journey is a long one, and iA it's gonna rain sooner or later

Evident

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

hard to quantify a Gift when it's such a blessing, on rainy days or shine, she's my Remedy for moments when life too bleakly gleams to these ever-insufficient eyes. life is His test, even in matters where a layer is (nearly) ripped straight off the chest, wonder how i should think of my perception when He brings me to envision, then turns out the lights on me as if i'd never seen a single moment living. i want to say that every effort i made towards my beloved was sufficient, sufficing, that what i emanated was deserving and reciprocated, but the purest truth is both sides of this coin aren't quite fully minted, that we mortals are merely gems that His qadr turns us to be more brightly polished. one particular beacon, on this cool and windy evening, shines much farther distant, almost escaped from clutches, but i would keep whole the dna of all my experiences, not spliced through indecision, and though His trials in this life might put on the courtroom's stand all the truth of what i'm chasing, it's fine, sooner or later, all i truly want, that in front of Him my essence might be worthy proven. my beloved may shut their doors on me, might close their windows and blind the shutters, throw away her phone and hide beneath her covers, but i'd not erase her place that etched itself from my history into the Sky i'm always reaching towards. this dreamer must onward dream, loving even as his komality pushes all tolerance past its limit, this is what the test is: when atoms start to fade, we persevere and step always forward faced. 

Quoted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

"every woman wishes she was the K of someone"

 

so it was that someone said, words i didn't ask for, but acknowledgement given, that the kind of treasure my Muse is, an ideal savored by women: to be so loved and soaking in seekingful affection. 

 

in my darkest days, He made your past memory and future hope the glue of most better choices i chose, eventually the lever in 2015 to push forward and begin healing the consequence of parting and distance that had long found their way inside my cells, settling into being. but Purpose, an aim and goal to surpass and suppress worldly chains and holes, that is what i needed most, that is what He fashioned from your essence, to have sought and lost and tasted again the surface with some depth, kept just out of reach over and over in instances most mortals would call instant precursors of regret, but for you, the Red of the blood, colored heme of the globin, what you meant and mean, the last human torch, to keep precious flames awoke when so often this life would drive them to sleep. 

some days, many days, i no longer know how to express the states of absence, of swallowing the trials and parting, knowing a bit of His devising, walls and obstructions and tests, meant to see which of us is best in deed, continuously, but from whence does one manufacture motivation, ambition? when routine itself becomes the sleepy draught to cause loss of remembrance, making movement mechanical? revival i need, but your visage seems He will confine within my dreams, maybe thy speech, recorded had i found, could replay on endless loops, wishing those guitar strings were instead your words plucked from places within i strive to reach, one day, iA

Undreamt? of twinshiplessness

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

maybe she was a dream? did i wake up day, fashion her straight out of the things these eyes are prone to see? it wasn't me that gave her her name, or brought her orbit at first near, it wasn't me that struck that first chord, that would make revisitation seem all so dear, but...it was He Who struck the bell of clarity inside my head, to open sight and show that what i fathomed this beacon was not yet, nor might ever be. 

oh nameless twin, i don't know your dna, though i wish i did, i don't know the thoughts or values that you hold close, your existence was as a mindscape or circus, but for me the visitor closed. find your road, know your choices will follow you as effortlessly as air finds your lungs, no escaping those atoms of consequence, for they are the means this life is spun out of. this is not a breaking, you matter not that much, as those beacons He made for me before to love. as from me it flowed, so too from them i could sense, what it was to matter, seeking and sought, mutually worthy of being longed for: such interstitial, mirroring sentiments underpin that ever so elusive acceptance...that you never had or could show this twin who for now remains as twinless. forgive me should these words cut, some wounds must be excised from the surface of the soul, where deep down they stirred uncounted possibilities that i now know exist, and so twinship in that Garden with His chosen will i seek to hold, iA.

 

 

Variance in Altitude

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

It's been almost a year and a half since my Gift professed her desire to be my Mia, subhanaAllah what a moment that was. Now the title is hers, though how strange it is for someone so gorgeous and evocative to be so out of attunement with her own impact. Well-acquainted is the one who envisions and imagines to the reality of a state being far from its potential, but a handful of peaks and many pleasant slopes are enough to make certain that I remember the wisdom of my Rabb in what He decrees. This life and its purpose should not be condensed into a search for the single moment of validity or presumed excitement. A measure of contentment, once found, becomes the bedrock for sustenance, for progressing onward, pushing on in the days when all we want to do is just fall into bed and sleep. 

Alhamdulillah for such fuel, for all that it is. I suppose it would be egregious of me to wish also to know how fare all my beloved, even as tiny parts of their lives I know, there is so much I do not. Being part of them, knowing their struggle and joy, that would be sufficient. But He decrees for me further silence, a statement the tongue wishes would just shackle it in permanence already, to diffuse all my speech internally because the ones I want to reach, He keeps in so far an orbit from me. How might they come to know what I want them to hear? Of beloved unwritten, for whom time passes and their conditions change, up to down and down to up. Were He to give me multiple lifetimes to keep on writing, keep on trying to get something across, I would be unable. The only cure, my only cure, is proximity. Everything other than that, is an illness and ailment, a malady that runs its circles around me, but one day iA, sooner or later, the fever's gotta break.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah, it's nice those days where the excitement of potential is something alive, active in the back of the mind. inshaAllah such a road could materialize in the near future. something my Rabb paved the way for, but as always He has reminded me, for these eyes of mine....their sight and the things i envision, are as much as a test as would be fruition of those aims. it's happened countless times before, and i expect it to be my state in this life. but, there are rare occasions, where proximity becomes a real possibility, and for the one who has become defined by whom he's absent from, that is always worthwhile. keep me ya Rabb, no matter where the days ahead of me curve.

an invitation to Honey

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

maybe you've ruminated as often as i (or more?), on the nature of Resonance, and how it intertwines, could describe it a calling, nearing obsession, when it frames one's pursuits in life. as once you said, of the intensity and consequences, "it is what it is", the business card of ones ever seeking to be divers, not temporarily or intermittent, but rather perpetually wading, wafting, soaring, soaking, aerial or liquid, solid or star-kin plasma, states with names losing meaning when language fails to capture or convey truth in essence. 

 

so, fittingly such lyrics find composition, inviting you, my Bee, to make my chest your hive, and when with the world after busy days you've finished, you fly inside and slowly drink the nectar that our union yields, bubbling forth without limit. i'd cherish all the stings that our natures united bring, if you only share with me your wings, thus we soar, hand in hand, your legs wrapped around your honeypot, something of the cake and its eating too we've got. 

 

and as one more note to add, remember what once i said about how the nahl has its path chosen by its Maker? delineated to the letter, this is a blessing my dear, resist not the wheel(qadr) when its chosen for you the fabric of twinship, to keep warm and hopeful when this world turns its age to ice and shades of dark or absence. bi khair, iA

Yet unspoken

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

waking up to your intensity, falling into your eyes before we fell asleep, such trifle moments, cherished, though as yet they hide within my dream. don't know how easy or hard your struggle goes, don't know if you have life on thy own silver platter...or if it loads weight after weight, upon those longed-for shoulders. wish i knew your road, how it shapes and curves, how better or harder, perhaps i become a pill upon your tongue for swallowing, whenever cures seem to you as a thought farthest from imagining. and in more pleasant moments, when your nights grew peacefully quiet and serene, the body relaxed, so take in that pill as the candy of potential, not far off released. the misser and his missing, articulated absence inside of words he swears with every year become more hollow in their being, but 'tis not a problem, for He keeps him growing, keeps his chest beating, sipped at times by the Gift wrapped in salty sweetness, thorny-rosed, the best parts our souls they clamor for, i swear they're just behind that door, regal Patience, waiting for us to bring our effort's share, perchance elicit from our Maker His mercy that is the key to Everything, and than that more

 

Analogized

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Life is much like a front-loaded washing machine. We spend one half our time facing upward, at the skies and hope and possibility, and the other half of the time is spent facing downward, at the earth and our mortality and the potential/reality of failure. The battle being, not to be carried away in either state, remaining ourselves even as the wash cycle spins us round and round again.

 

I live onward. My Rabb,...He keeps me, again. I do not know for certain towards what End, but it onward goes. It's so strange to think of what I love to see, to hear, to touch, how simple the notions, but to be still distant from their happening. I can't say I thought the addition of my Gemini to my sky would make the present moments easier. Of course, I learn that distance is much like a cut (or series of cuts) scored upon the skin, sometimes treading deeper, sometimes simply on the surface. If the absence of my Moon was not enough of an abscess, then there's another light from which He's kept me unsighted from. Should have seen this coming, but no worry, the potential that He made the premise of my eyes/perspective, would be a goal worth chasing no matter the temporal costs. 

 

As a mechanism of sustaining my being, it has turned out my Gift truly cares. I could not have said with the same certainty a year ago, but it seems I matter to her lol. Alhamdulillah. Despite the degree of difference, it's a breath of much-needed air to have her close to me. The journey is a long one, much is there to be done until we reach its conclusion though. ya Rabb, take care of my beloved, forever and always in all of their affairs, ameen.

Unpresented

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

what a Gift that He gave, like she came from another dimension, words like token fluff for her, while piercing me as daggers sharpened effortlessly unintended. not the first time i live on in the wake of such moments, even after she found realization and an apology sprouted eventually forth...but the rest of me wonders: how long will my nature compel me to keep reaching out, building bridges, when our natures are like fire and ice and scarce able to reach my sought-after level of coexistence? how long do i last, how many breaths, seconds, situations, instances, that i absorb every worded dagger, remembering its pain in the blood so perhaps i build immunity to such inflictions the next time around that qadr decides i haven't had enough to savor? if you knew how i've lately schismed with my Rabb, that He splits me into pieces such as this, keeps me silent from my beacons, taunts me with beauty on my Gift, but beauty that which she is not too fond of having touched or kissed, oft rejected and to me unmissed...the ironies have long torn their way inside, way down deep, every day that passes is one in which this taste lingers, He is the One Who takes and gives, misleads and guides, dooms and gives cause to thrive, yet how often have i longed, to no longer breathe the breath of those caught up in this life? but He has me denied, repeatedly, incessant, pulling me along, to be called a skeleton might be generous, paper is closer to my dimensions, a single plane inscripted by both pen and pencil and easily as pie by His decree i'm overwritten. there is, for such states, for Him, a word the opposite of my nature, opposite of l---, that over my lifetime i've sometimes felt, a word i'd dare not utter, yet absent resonance, i have no nearby beloved, no echo chamber, none to point right the steer of my ship, perhaps counsel with reminder of what i chase, so that word is left as the final taste on my tongue on these days where rain and snow combine to bluster. would He let my beloved pierce this veil, to let shine some brightness through a sky shrouded by storm and shiver? would be nice, now come to me oh sleep, perchance finding rest behind eyes closed and at peace, iA

Evocation

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

sometimes, can see you lying down, in the back of my mind, so comfy and warm, hair spilling freely, surrounding that smile, those eyes, could take this painting in various directions, though most presently, simply i relish potential reaped with time. cannot be rushed, the stroke of the brush, careful at the edges and outlines, boundaries of ink and principle, keeping each shade in its own reason and rhyme. often i recollect how fully He holds our possibilities, knowing well He may choose to keep your touch forever apart from me...but there is a depth, to this ambition, where its scope is so cosmic and perpetual, fear is for the ones lightless, who let this life dim their actions and hopes into earthly terms alone while searing away what could be celestial. not i. rather than by this life, my Rabb often impresses upon my self the worth and beauty of Eternity as the prime choice, the highest of aims, to put the lesser earth in its place. though it's true, as long as He keeps me living, if i needed CPR's resuscitation or an injection of the color my veins are oft missing, i would embrace the mouth-to-mouth and needle with a quickness instinctual, thus erasing any millimeters left between us that counted as "distance". how could anyone else, other than the beloved of my self, understand what it is to be captured by a longing, that looks as tenuous as string but is stronger than steel, impervious to heat and fracture and force that'd break any normal bond made of the menial? just a few shades away is madness, i know it, have seen inside its abyss few times in my life, but it's a pit He's kept me safe from. for which purpose, for which trial He'd taunt or tempt me with next, or simple cataclysm lurking, i could not guess, but i am His, for better and worse, blessed and cooked, with an End i visage encompassed with my beloved...and that is fuel, fuel enough, to keep the starving one fed with crumbs in his dreams, so even if he must, he'll walk across the bottoms of oceans, just to embrace whom He kept once out of reach.

Clouded Spark

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

not quite lost, rather just a little shrouded, we know this as part of life's cycle, ever turning especially into arcs that we've oft despised. how i see it, every heartache and shatter, only turned me into fertile ground for whatever He brought forth in terms of my next chapter, so i ceased trying to grasp or determine if an event was better or worse, and instead just wrapped it all up into the trials of life that He chose for me to traverse. i swear by my Maker, i've long felt those same shards of which you speak (technically, wrote), i know every strand of wishing for dissolution of the self, being free of life's vicissitudes, its shackles, its disappointments and agonies, i wish i could relate to you how often over my lifespan, how deeply i'd desire to be free,...but He never let me, always kept me, tied to the strings eventually trailing to my beloved and a purpose in unification that says to this world, "fuck you, you will never have me, you have never been nor could you ever be enough, so this is why His Jannah is better than you, and that is what i will chase". this life is a fucking travesty of truth, tantalizing us with its potential that it never lives up to, our minds pulling strings in taunting our thoughts in directions too remote, perhaps something He had not willed, trying to delude us into thinking it is truly what we want to be fulfilled. 

 

but, this life cannot sate us, rather it's the fading promise of a dying tree, showing us that it has shade but soon enough it'll lose all of its leaves, offering then no protection to the ones who sought shelter beneath all of its deceit.

 

~

 

pain, a hollowed feeling, the color gray predominating thoughts, loss becoming the lens of one's sight...all of these are part of your challenge my Muse. they tell us we have to let ourselves grieve, to release the emotion in as decent means as possible, to be forgiving to yourself for something you never had control of. 

 

hope, passion, desire, direction, all of these will find their way back to you iA. it will take time and patience and trust/acceptance of His qadr. i've never quite considered myself in terms of being "trusting" in my Rabb, but rather it is submission and acceptance that is most suited to and suitable for the slave towards one's Creator. that is just how it is. without Allah, i am nothing and could find nothing worth meaning. with Him, i would survive my self, this life, and anything else He would have me go through. for dunya, this knowledge is enough.

Life and its constant reminder..

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

..of your absence, of the one who'd love me as i'd love in turn, maybe what a lover seeks most regular, before every sunrise, after every sunset, many parts of me this Life can only fracture, but alhamdulillah at least that the One Who tries me, gave me your visage in which wholeness can be confided. my living is a skeleton, an apparatus constructed of minimalist mechanisms to push and pull and carry behind in a backpack all ambitions, suitable for the nomad who hasn't a home when his beloved are farthest from his touch, farthest from his grasp.

~

..that your silence will always pierce me, "so used to missing" i am, just wish inside that phrase of mine, had alongside it your smile, your lips, to be nibbled upon and sating of desire, not simply physical, but existentially fulfilling in a way twins fully paired might inspire. the only part of my goal on this shitty plane, the only piece of me i could fathom seeing connected (intending no bounds crossed or other bonds severed), is finding your hand encapsulated within mine, the dreamer's dream that gives some fuel as substance for earthly chasing (while never ever never forgetting...that Garden where all our intersections coalesce, iA). 

~

..i am only a phantom, scarcely real, rarely gathered, not in a single place, but across this earth and inside your hearts scattered, so much is there to be felt, but sometimes from the ocean i'm most distant kept, like walking breathing living ice, unmelted because resonance is the fuel of my chest while also too its kryptonite, an absence emptying, but still alh hope remains hydroelectric, because i envision your touch and how everything in me it'd melt, a liquefaction so utterly welcome, no measure of silence or absence could end my chasing until completion becomes our dinner attained.

an Ode for the Brokenhearted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

if we found all our love and expectation, waiting within the grasp of our outstretched fingers,...while still we drew breath in this life of growing thorns and planted cinders,...how would our selves and our souls desire akhirah in its permanence, and seek to call that place as our destined Home? 

 

if our Rabb let our cups be fulled to brim, with every wish and longing that He hid in our DNA, then truly we'd never wanna leave here, truly we'd become as those whom this life has sated....and never look to find a brighter dawn because they were contented by the dimming light scattered across these meager days.

 

i do not say this as causation, that depth of loss and sorrow would directly bring His sanctuary closer to our fingers, but more of truth in correlation: the ones He breaks with His tests and catastrophes, are those He chooses to have brought closest to His presence, closest to finding all they seek. let me demonstrate by way of example, the first of our nation, the beloved Messenger of Allah (saw), and speak to that of what he faced, what he lost, that which was torn and ripped and pulled from the fabric of his life = of his first wife, of multiple infants and those lost at birth, of losing his uncle and dearest relatives who supported him through his early phases of life, of grandsons and family members whose untimely and grisly ends his Rabb had informed him of, of being cast out by his own people for telling them the most necessary of all truths, of being ridiculed and chastised for being who he always was (the Truthful One, al-Amin), of being lied against despite wanting khair and goodness and decency for all he met, this man, the most beautiful of all creation his Rabb would ever make...how broken was he? Yet...the only reason this man survives, is because of the will and support of his Creator, because he was given a purpose, a message, a Book, and none should ever, EVER think...that these trials meant his Rabb loved him any less. quite the opposite. Allah knew His slave before the slave existed, even if it was His favorite, His most beloved, and truly, our Rabb ensured that His slave would know precisely the temporal nature of this life, when He showed him exactly what akhirah was, of its delights and bliss to make complete of the Messenger (saw) everything that this dunya would appeared to have broken...it did not, because his Rabb would raise him, refashion him, and grant him everything he had lost, and utterly more than that in completion and perfection. 

 

so, if in sum i would have it restated, that i think He made Paradise but as respite and repayment, only (or rather, mainly) for the ones brokenhearted, the ones who knew they were incomplete, and lived patiently with this knowledge, while not seeking to overcome its implications, not trying to subvert the truth of His qadr's imposition (a tricky thing to learn, balancing effort alongside the right moment and measure of submission), but the truth is, all of us will perish from this earth, one day, sooner or later, and the most important knowledge then, that we hoped to have practiced with our fingers - was that we expected this to come, the meeting of each of us - with our end, that our Rabb was Allah, our deen as Islam, and our prophet as Muhammad (saw).  

 

~

 

in all the years i've lived, for all the things i've written, i have often found beauty in my sadness. that is part of why i never let certain things go, why i took them, kept them in my memory so deeply that these things became part of my blood, flowing in my veins and providing impetus for me to overcome any trial He would have me face. one who has been given everything and lost nothing, has no reason to seek ascendance, no inner compulsion, no inner flame to help light the way. we have struggled, and will keep on doing so, long as He wills us to live. you are always loved, have always been and will be. why do you think He'd have me give you the title of, Love of All Lifetimes? :P 

 

ya Rabb, ease for my beloved her road, whether in closeness or distance, no matter the weather she must endure, protect her heart, keep it beating, for always and Ever, ameen. 

the flourish of 2021

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

how could the year be complete, without the boogeyman of these past two years finally getting a piece out of me too? so after 2020 being what it was, nearing now the end of 2021, covid finally caught me, in a fittingly ironic set of circumstances of course. last Wednesday night, my Gift and i plan to visit relatives out of state, first time for me. the next morning, last Thursday, my Gift wakes up to a fever and aches and totally sick. alhamdulillah she gets better in 3-5 days, predictably (and knowingly, willingly) in nearness to her, i get to too. some OTC antigen tests eventually show positive, and that's that. i get a forced week off of work, a variety of symptoms i'll never care to see again, and a small/truly mild reminder of the kind of tests awaiting in this life. been able to feel next to nothing, mind concocting minimally anything helpful, and just the general state of 'being sick' predominant. i wish there was a button i could press, to see the visage of my beloved in such moments. something in greenery or in the water and sand at a beach/shoreline, alas

moment

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

been a bit sick lately, for the first time in a long while. getting better tho alhamdulillah, just another bump in this exceedingly long road of life. last class is finito, degree is finito (alh!), and started some prep for a+ certification, eventually going for network/security+ certs too.

...

some days are more drained than others, smiles sticking to the surface and shallowness under the covers, no sadnesses or pain, simply absences persisting like daylight piercing through rain. often enough i lose energy to write, coming to this space, trying to recollect myself, when over the years it's seemed like i'm fading. think that i am, think that i have long been, evaporating, like a puddle that never quite found its ocean, so i stare up at the Sky, the only place of unity i can fathom, the only place freedom i can imagine, longing to be there, but grounded is the state i'm found in. i still need to write that Ode, the one for the brokenhearts, easy as pie to paint that picture, tell my beloved why: i think...Paradise is meant only for the ones who are broken, the ones who never took this life for themselves to be whole in, only for the ones constantly seeking, a recompense equivalent to the level of their feeling, and more. it's gonna sound like a tragedy, especially for the romantic, but i don't think it's truly tragic, simply one stage of this journey, most easily seen with various layers of difficulty, but ease is the sought-after ending, encompassed by my beloved, that's all that matters once we're done writing and living, iA

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

few different things cooking in the mind lately, some writings to come iA.

 

~

 

first is a piece to come, that i'll call "Ode for the Brokenhearted", plenty of timely reflections in it. lot of the things i write, maybe all of them, have often/always felt insufficient, inadequate to the task of conveying my message or living up to/reaching the ideal i chase. especially when it comes to you. i had to write 'Resolute' but i couldn't fathom how it might wrap itself around my Muse, truly being comfort and solace and strength like i wanted it to be. the post seemed to me as empty shallow words that could never capture and ease the pain of loss. but i had to write them and try anyway. alhamdulillah especially for you being in good hands, good company, things with fam and all going well, being there for you as they should be. if He could let me like the gentle breeze sometimes blowing across your face, i would be totally cool with that. if i must seem as phantom, then at the very least somehow iA i'd like to still find a way to bring some peace.

 

~

 

another, a reply/corollary to couple of the songs from Feels. intimacy so effortlessly captured, sensual and longing, earnest and open, once He gives me permission, perhaps by the time we reach our Garden iA, then that is the first way i'd choose to relish union, as if all the restraints were finally cut from my limbs and my intent and hope can equal, finally, the actions i seek (among them, writing on thy neck too. fa sho, iA). not surprisingly, two of the most perfectly-resonant in this facet were Camila's Shameless and Lana's Lust for Life. in the latter, nowhere else have i heard spoken aloud the same truth i've found...mA. living this life, at least at the depths we do, requires more than merely staying on the physical, rote-ritual level. the passion is utterly intrinsic to our species, and it goes beyond just fulfillment of inner urges...it is about being able to find meaning and purpose in life through the presence of a bond whose manifested state far, faaar surpasses the ordinary, our fuel to survive the mundane. we could not exist as machines, and honestly neither as animals (not hedonism at all, though on the surface that's what it may seem). we feel, and often enough, have to challenge our feeling and overcome it, because this life truly just ain't enough. it's why Jannah was made after all.

 

Resolute

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

how often the case i think my own problems to be so large, so troublesome, difficult to accept. and then to learn of the pain of my beloved, and it's as if any weight on me was nothing at all, a feather by comparison.

 

i wasn't expecting to find dreamer again, but every so often i click the link, just to see if my Rabb will let me catch a glimpse into your life again. found it, today. subhanaAllah..wow. if my 2020 was off the charts for me, then for my Muse, 2021 has been perhaps worse. 

how might a slightly distant one offer solace to his beloved? this solace should have within it, comfort and reassurance and strength, and be made of the same substance you've long elicited- hubb. 

probably anything along these lines i'd say you'd already know, but in case an echo is useful, i don't mind being the record player. the hardest trials carry the highest rewards, if one faces them with "patience"....the absolute easiest word to say but hardest word to remember. there's a reason for the order of the verse in Baqarah, "and seek aid through sabr and salat" - sabr got mentioned first, before aaaanything else. if a slave wants help from his/her Creator, patience is the first, most necessary ingredient. this is especially so because one has to be patient with the decree, with qadr itself, and because the answering of duas is not often in our human-desired time frame. 

if i had the option of somehow carving myself or my history in further scattered pieces, that my Rabb would accept any or all of it as an offering to stave off what you had to face, i would have chosen this instantly. He didn't give such a choice. in the present, in this life it seems, i am scarce a phantom, but one ability i do have is dua. you should know you're already in them, every day. now that i know something of what you face, more dua for His aid and support of you will flow iA. 

 

one of the wisdoms of pain, that He brought me to learn over the years - facing it, accepting it, learning from it, remaining steadfast...all of these, let the heart grow and the breast expand. our challenges certainly help shape us, but that shaping can go in two directions = either by shrinking, or by expansion. Expanding is hard, i know, and further trials will follow sooner or later, but being open and releasing that emotion is the right call, the better call. you are truly a beautiful being, and to stay that way, emotional release is absolutely necessary. keeping such magnitude of feeling inside, for too long, is extremely unhealthy and dangerous, spoken by one who's been on that side of the fence. alhamdulillah i see it venting, easily the most you've (ever?) written in such a short amount of time. 

 

be at ease bi ithniAllah, you're stronger than you know  

Definition

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

a name upon your lips, inside your sighs, hope these occurrences remain, for me they're words never forgotten, always remembered, doesn't matter where i am, memories of you, like pictures on my wall of the Sky i'm always chasing. for this life, some are destined to exist in a state of broken bits, pieces scattered unremarkable, until those shards find themselves merged like mercury inside your palms, then becoming solid, truly reflective, at last manifested. in this cycle of life, so many circles, among them days i'm drained of every meaning's substance, could say i wished to know your state, but so often He brings clouds to shroud my Moon within her phases. would that it was just a sliver, a lining that need not be silver, could be merely bronze in outline, so long as behind it was thy figure. you've long pulled me within, whether by gravity or beauty, interchangeable terms for one whose body hangs celestially,...not because of my doing, not because i wished it, but rather as He turned you into the beacon, that this nomad walks across the universe to find again

if 'twas a question

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

nope, i haven't quite reached, the list on picture 9, but there's something there, to which i'll take a moment and reply, lyrics from Walker's "Better Half of Me":

 

That I'd have all I need
If you were standing right in front of me
I'll finally see

What it means to be complete

...

Will you be the better half of me? 

 

could these words be what you would say, what your lips would release if they were free to speak as they might please? 

for a moment, i'll let my self fly off this perch, off the ground of this second, into the Skies, where "YES!" is the only echo from me resonating. i am not the Architect of my existence, of the beloved He let grace my senses...but alhamdulillah that i am not, alhamdulillah that He is, to let reach such subtle soft messages into ears and a self embracing their reception. 

~

in all the lessons He's taught me, in the ones He brought me to know, the learning of completion is perhaps the most relevant, most salient, the most precious knowledge for an ocean that can only gain from acceptance - His and of every test, alongside the aiming for the coolness of my eyes, their most perfect place of rest. and so, because i have known something of completion, i'd love to share its every depth and meaning, the breadth of its beating, both within our chests and inside the stars when they become our endless ceiling.

breathe, breathe sometimes faster, maybe often slower, when you find CPR a necessity needed closer, know a twin has no distance, meters or miles matter not to twinship, one or another of my duas will find its way to Him, so breath then might come easily again (except in case of certain breathlessnesses, which i am a fan of, so in such states well then simply suffer xD for a bit, promise, it'll ease, if the grip encircles the heart and squeezes, and it feels like absence is the hammer and your self the stone...then welcome to the beginning of the journey, it only hurts because that is how He keeps you growing 😊).

Windows:

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

they don't have to be open, simply clear, simply glimpses, inside your chest, what makes you tick, your heartbeat, racing blood, waves combining one on top of the other, such is the rush of the ocean i've long envisioned, the mind and heart as forces joined, so when your expression through tertiary measures of certain reflections..i find mirrors mine, on so many levels, it's precisely the fuel i cherish for this journey He makes me take to find my Home.

~

it's an immeasurable blessing (alhamdulillah), when the lover finds himself surrounded by the love of his beloved, even in echos of emotion, their connection to me...ah Rabb, what can i say? this is what i seek, the beginning vapors of a haze at present only occupying the back of my mind, but becoming ever firmer and tangible to my eyes, no longer tangents, no longer darknesses i fear, simply what i desire- this with You i chase. 

forgive me my sins, the momentary lapses or indulgences of one whose nearest kin is distance, i could never forget Thy remembrance, just the mortal part of me...ever searching, listening, gazing, at the skies or within memories, or inside futures yet slowly in the making, the jism and the nafs, the qalb and the ruh, every part of me named, of essences i barely grasp and pieces beyond my scope, all of these unite for the very same objective: wholeness and completion with my beloved, to be not apart, to be not endangered, to be fully expressed and imbibed, to relish and cherish, as delicacies strewn amidst a delicatessen, freeness upon which exist no limits, the Sky our playground, our purpose as is wish.

Vibed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so that is how it is, before i even got to this song from the list: "Apocalypse" (by Cigarettes), some days prior, in something i'd written, called myself the phantom of your soul, and what would ya know, listened today and the lyric resonates, "come out and haunt me, you know you want me" - ladies and gents, this is a Vibe, two waves meshing when they meet, and it wasn't just a single line or about when these oscillations got released, but how the song in its entirety, carried messages and hopes, words that i could fathom falling from your lips, soothing balm for one when he's captured by aloneness or distance,...alhamdulillah for not judging books by their covers, lets one reach(fall) into their story and learn the truths underneath places once covered, firmly entrenching within aims and ambitions, unification of the self with the pieces that He chose would make up him, iA.

Uncontained

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah, even as some days are longer than others, even as some moments wish i was more emotionless rather than overflowing the surface, my closest beacon, the Gift, speaks to me in ways familiar and resonant, and it's like, despite our natures being the starkest of different, peace is still as easy to find as resting my head on her bosom. alhamdulillah ya Rabb, these small tender moments, they're all i want from this life even though You make live from them still onward. ironic how my strongest enemy seems still to be my self, with no demons knocking down my doors, no creditors or actors of malice pursuing me down darkened corridors, no cliffs beckoning me off their ends, no boogeymen underneath the bed or skeletons waiting to ambush while buried underneath the past i've known -- none of these are my challenge, but just overcoming me, finding temperance and discipline for the heart when it wants to fly outside my ribcage, resonance it chases, but in truth my sagest state would be patience, for whenever it can be managed, sometimes as simple as not pouring out the insides that have their own shades of agonies that absence evokes into something pervasive. 

 

some of my posts, like some of my thoughts, run on currents way too deep, flooding or flooded, and in them, i wonder, can traces of me be found by those who are for now visitor? maybe, i hope so. i expect soon iA this momentary incapacity of the self to contain its feeling will pass. probably revisit me later, but then that is the cyclicality of life, one to the next and back around again.

 

iA khair for my beloved, always and ever