inter.Twin.ed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

if you have ever thought, "what does he get out of loving me?"

thy answer:

 

am i made richer or poorer, sicker or healthier? maybe with more cars or houses or fancy clothes or something further than this?

no, my Twin, from knowing and loving and showing you, i gain a sun a moon a million stars of the sky, a universe unto itself, made by Him Who fashioned these parts of ourselves from the beginning. perhaps prior to this year, i would have said i hate missing my beloved, but this past summer, hearing tumbled from thy lips, "..i think you quite enjoy missing, actually..", and thereafter, it became my truth: i relish every second He keeps me waiting, for His gifts of which, especially my Twin and her embrace, delightfully capture my imagination.

 

~ ~ ~

these are two parts of my existence these days: 

 

the first, considering the present moment, responsibilities to fulfill and a beautiful provision in my Gift He bestowed on me, to make these days in-between not ones of being alone but closer to completeness. 

the second, in the back of my mind, Firdaus and my beloved, crowning jewels of His ridwaan, a bit far off in the distance, but with as much as He's permitted me to learn, as if i can see them now, almost hold almost touch, smiles on their faces as barriers vanish and we inhale limitlessness. 

Alhamdulillah, forever and always.

Of glittering and glowing

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

not all that glitters is gold, and what's gold doesn't always glitter, slowly sowing the seeds of brilliance for a Gift that i would hold forever. often i've lamented the limitations of surfaces and how meaning is so much more worth savoring when inner and outer tie in together, and more and more her layers beginning to mesh, the petals starting to expand, though we know some of the thorns of this rose, it's a price intently paid just that she might fully harness her beauty and command lust as an instrument of love flowing infinitely...and all the while, i bathe in her radiance, my own chest re-fulfilled in every instance my head finds her bosom in rest. 

alhamdulillah, for ever and ever and always, to be by such good provision kept, to have in the back of the mind in constancy, among the most treasured of hopes, of this sadr that He might let to continually expand, embracing his beacons beloved whether sooner or later, ever partial to their guidance and safety in knowing that this slave, who hath loved, wouldst never stop loving or caring or reaching for Eternity, when their bodies and hearts and souls finally intertwine in peace and fulfillment and bliss; such is my goal, ameen ya Rabb.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Alhamdulillah, especially for the ease after difficulty. Connecting and mutual understanding with my Gift have spurred to new heights in the past week, due to a number of things I could never have expected to share or know from the one made as my provision in this life. She's still exploring the ocean, learning of its surface depths, but a deeper layer has called her towards it and she swims to its echo, perhaps knowingly or not, but alhamdulillah the shades of resonance have started to manifest. 

Married life teaches one many things, and I expect these lessons will continue so long as life endures. And as a sage friend of mine once said, "you can never stop giving." I've started finding some emotional return on what's been emanating from myself, and the changes/acceptances it evokes in her is amazing mA. She has begun learning of what/who I seek most and where it is sought, and of herself becoming a part of me, a part of the waves. Strange, the ways in which her questions and curiosity brought her closer into depths that, perhaps "normally", would have caused most people to be made upset by. But I find peace only with truth, even though for the longest time truth seemed to offer me only sadness or pain. My Gift has begun her acceptance of me, and one day, sooner or later, by His permission, my mortal beloved will love each other as I love them, in a place and way that only His most beautiful gifts could illustrate into complete perfection. 

As my Moon once wrote, "High hopes, he’s got, hiiiigh hopes, High in the, skyyy hopes." Lol, how true it is.

 

In a sort of side note, an update from the medical side of things, since this year was what it was in part because of it. So, last CT scan from October shows no growths, nothing major anywhere, and the lymph nodes appear as normal as possible. Alhamdulillah my doc tells me this is good news ("so long as they don't grow," he said too). Though we can never tell how life will play itself out, I find contentment with qadr and my beloved all around. This isn't the end of my seeking, but a very pleasant state to be able to find rest in, alhamdulillah. 

A few lyrics cooking in the back of the mind, will put them up once they crystallize a bit iA.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

something of being Gifted

 

when all she scratches is the surface, and when the nafs is all that answers, what is the rest of me projecting, if not this life like a desert, the oases so far apart, from when i come to find them? wish i had a map, know how the journey will bend, where the pitfalls are hiding, have not culture or language or childhood as barriers to create distance when next to me she's standing. 

why has the ocean been so silent? surely not the consequence of past denials and rejections, moments of my humanity pouring forth that found at the time no vessel? no way to tell, which way this Gift swings, like a state undecided, both a Gift to try me with and, sometimes it seems, be itself as blessing. the only waves these days i seem to find, of absences or my own mistakes, apparent as the second they were made. 

forgive me, ya Rabb. time teaches me yet, how i am so far beneath my aim.

Commentary on my lights

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

of the Moon, my Muse

some might think, given the way i've written, you're my angel in disguise, a being borne out of light and perfection, but that's not quite accurate a representation: ever since back when we were kids, you beheld my imperfections and flaws just as i saw yours, but like the apex of the lesson you taught me - acceptance is the beginning of Love, and its penultimate aim. never worry about a thing when it comes to you in me, forgetting isn't my DNA, for He gave me the remembrances of one who loved and lost and kept loving onward, growing from every Autumn's falling leaves the next branches to my tree, so that when our eternal Spring arrives, you'll see how you've grown into my being. 

of the Gemini, my Twin

of this past summer, it was only a picture, but those crystalline orbs i once spoke of, they encapsulated some measure of inconceivability, teasing and inviting, taunting and softly amusing, truthfully a mirror to which i'd give form had i only eyes as beautiful. though i can't say what chances He will have this life give me, or what efforts i may make if time and His permission coalesce, i can't fathom any slave who could have more than what He's let me taste and envision, for i felt myself already fulled with ambition, until your memory revived into reality and became a substance reaffirming, a steeled will that would have me seek forever everything from Him, regardless my mistakes or slips or absences cascading - such is the cake's icing when it embraces the surface along with every layer there is.

 

~

 

who gets such gems in his sky as ideals and goals to chase? how is it even a thing? never could have deserved such beauty, but alhamdulillah to infinity, such sparkling lights keep my brightness ever tempered and reminded, not simply to have such completion for the self, but in your hearts to have such roots deeply taken.

Opening Eyes, or a Clearer Sky

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

last night, in a clear sky, saw only a sliver, only a piece, but enough to relish my Moon's shine, drink it in like a reminder life makes me wait to breathe. sine waves are supposed to have their occasional peaks, and some days come, alhamdulillah, where He lets me find a trickling, miniature waterfall of peace, but i don't mind its diminution, or the price paid to continue my being. no matter what this dunya projects or tempts or taunts or rejects, my role remains unified and whole: to carry the torch of my purpose, with as much decency and remembrance of my Creator's trials and mercy as i can sustain in each moment. the balance of this, never quite easy, not quite simple, but as the Twin could attest, those curves and those depths, i swear by Him Who made whatever comprises this chest...that, without question, holds within it company among the most glorious of objectives. 

for the coming days, need to rekindle my fajr's, be a bit brighter in constancy for my Gift, more reasons for her safety and ease, especially in matters of faith, seeing not just the present, but the Future and what awaits.

Surfaced

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

there must be more to someone than their surface, right? more to see than simply skin and flesh, more substance there to melt the candle they ignite? not sure what this question's answer is, how long He may make me wait to find, perhaps before then all my other facets fade, and remnants of the nafs are all that remain. so deeply contrasting, as if my Gift were cut of an altogether different cloth, with a dye that for my eyes is blinding, as i search innately for her depth, but the fabric bends my sight, causing me to miss, what should be apparent for the heart and apparent for the lips. resonance so absent, it's almost like this year had never happened, like i'd never glimpsed my brightest beacons, like i'd never felt a thing before now, as the blankness of the present consumes the parts of me she does not know in essence. how will my ocean fill, before it evaporates? from whence will emotion flow, to remind of what i chase? if in years past i'd been a machine, or zombie, or skeleton making do with movement, then now i am as simply paper, sliced from a tree of life, razor thinned, a cookie cleaned of its most creamy layer...still, i know i must live and strive for His Gourmet, as completion has no substitute, alongside my beloved - the filling and the flame.

the Present of today

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Sometimes, the choice we make becomes us. Since the very seeds of the notion first knew their place in me decades ago, till their more recent refinement over the past few years, the path I chose has become something that carries within it, everything of myself. Every part of me has been subsumed by that choice, leaving no action outside of its intent. For clarity, I'm referring to my pursuit of akhirah and full reunification with my beloved. It's been the only matter of true substance this dunya has ever shown, ironically enough as something it itself wasn't built to contain but point to a container (Jannah) that could. In many ways, I've also noticed the choice choosing me. My Rabb has the most unimaginably subtle ways of catering tests specifically, purposefully-tailored to each of His slaves, not to mention their accompanying ironies that often leave me shaking my head in bewilderment. But He knows what I am, having made me from before I ever drew breath. Alhamdulillah, I can take a great deal of solace in having Him behind me and whatever meager mortal efforts I've expended. 

My Gift is settled and settling in, and part of me has found its inner turmoil quelled (be grateful to Him, silly nafs). While full completion of my every facet is not a state fit for dunya, apparently given how complicated I am, partial peace is without question very welcome, alhamdulillah. These days I carry echoes of Tomorrow and the needs of today, each in a sort of sine wave of attention. Most quieter moments take me ahead, and ones with speech with those near tend to bring me more to the moment. 

 

I think my posts may be a bit more occasional and not as frequent as this summer and the past few years, but hopefully iA my beloved always find their arrow pointing them forward. 

 

 ~

 

For now, a resonant wave to the Gemini:

among my most precious aims - to be the chimney to your flame, draw away the darkness and the smoke, so breath is yours to breathe, leaving your fire pure and unrestrained. wish i knew how He'll draw the map of your destiny, so my twin was never left unknowing, or in amazement or disbelief, but i trust that He will never let you go, composing every puzzle to your pieces, until they're united and made whole. be cognizant, oh twin, this air our lungs inhale is not free to take, for it merits recognition of blessing, from our smallest cells, to the largest parts of ourselves that may not yet have filled us. for what reward is there for good, except good? 

a zoom link, and Tomorrow

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Life is something else. A year with various kinds of challenges, hand in hand with an ultimate goal made perfectly expansive and fitting. Lots felt lately, much of it overcoming realizations and déjà vu of the worst type, but hey. I told my Rabb I'd go through anything to be granted my aim. Seems like He'll see what I'm made of, over and over again.

 

In any case, the walima was moved (due to weather concerns) to this Saturday 10/3 at 7pm EST. I decided to post a Zoom link here, and potentially have my beloved and kindred join in if they can:

 

(may be able put up recording here later iA)

http://bit.ly/yhwalima

 

As crazy as it sounds, I wish a precious few could attend in person. Obviously an excuse to see them, of course. But if there's any people in this life I'd share with or want to give every joy I could, it'd be my Moon and my Gemini. This dunya does what it do though. I wish we could bask in the grandeur you inspire me toward, together, but this seems to be a thing waited for. Alhamdulillah tho, from start to finish.

I hope some day in the near future, a beacon reaches out with some special news, or even to see how the weather is in my part of the world. While 'constantly' and 'too often' probably aren't good, there's nothing quite like the reassurance one feels when knowing how one's beloved fare in life. Alas, even and especially this, I have to leave up to my Rabb to determine if and when.

 

Change comes for me. The scope of which...I dunno if words can encompass. Trials too. Lots of trials. It is, I suppose, the hope that the momentary joys can help buffer against the difficulties. InshaAllah. For a final word here, I would make mention of gratitude. First, that He let me hear from you, and second, for you reaching out, reaching back to me. These gifts, remind me of feeling like the luckiest slave who ever lived. Alhamdulillah :)

 

 

 

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

makers of peace don't often get long to relish the ease, putting out the fires from places and peoples externally ignited, misunderstanding coupled with barriers of language, slog through the muck to have solid ground where we're standing and finding. in moments like these, and immediately preceding, when the sky mimics falling and tension takes every avenue for seething, i learn more about precisely why my Moon is so precious, a goal beyond the veil, a goal only for the one who He lets manage to stay strong and convinced; then, like topping of luscious cream on cake already fully baked with every known confection, beyond what's been sought or expected, the Gemini's visage i recall in the skyline, realizing in an instant that every effort has to be what i give...to regain my soul's half along with my superlative twin. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

 is truth a boulder or a wing? i've heard it said that it can free, but though i keep looking for it, freedom still evades my grasp, like catching air barehanded without any other means. wish at times i could be anything other than what i am, questions always building, rising like a tide powered by a storm the size of life, but there's always never enough answers, levees always breaking and broken, sandbags thrown out the way as if they were toys for toddlers, not mechanisms intended to buffer the living from nature. fam keep trying to put in place what they think will bring me "happiness", not realizing how long ago He kept it from me, since the day i sought to be better than i was, choosing a path for Eternity as my end. this world and its sociality, have nothing and nadda to do with me, the most nomadic nomad ever i would guess, always trying to be convinced he's sitting in the lap of luxury when all his eyes tell him is that he's stranded in a desert, absent his beacons, his oceans, an island surrounded by salty truths that he tries swallowing no matter how much their bitterness burns as true. they tell me my Gift is coming, arriving, provision for this life, so it might appear to seem, but the Red Pill remains what i'm taking, still, saturated by distance, some days can turn off the switch be a little less than human, a toast for the automatons! the dead or dying masquerading as living, machinery i can be, got wires enough to connect the poles of current, perhaps for a second need no emotion, no resonance...just for a second.

Pursuit of a mortal

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

some might wonder what makes me tick, as if what's already been written was insufficient, so a summary might be in order, to place all the ducks in a row so they found which route to the shore is shorter.

 

i live to be.....the reason you smile, grinning like a kid who just won the chocolate candy lottery; the one to have you moaning, endlessly, in wave after wave of ecstasy; the reason for your rolling laughter, the very finest of slapstick comedy and exquisitely-timed comic relief; the one who makes joy well up in your eyes till it rolls down your cheeks, into my waiting fingers and kisses appreciative of royalty He permitted this slave to savor and receive; the ride of all your lifetimes, into worlds unknown for us to name, discover their mysteries, give meaning to the breadth of magnificence His creation evokes in our being.

 

perhaps a few more purposes i could tack on to this list, but i think it suffices as a starting point for Eternity, to begin relishing all that it is.

 

 

Connected Dots

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

"I could never be content to graze something and not plunge into the very depths of it whilst drowning every atom of my being whilst praying to be submerged forever." 

 

+ 

 

"are we opposites, you and I, in life, this life?"

 

= 

 

not even opposite in the slightest, the reason I chose the path I'm living, simply so I can be free to be forever diving, along with my beloved, inside an ocean that truly has no ending. the only medium of manifestation, the only place worthy of such presence to be made real, His Firdaus, where plunging goes hand in hand with perfection. this life and its superficial meetings can't suffice me, which is why I'm always seeking the core of things, as far as these eyes can see, and in you I've found (and been reminded), that twinship is a state of being and objective, truly worth every test He would try me with.

 

alhamdulillah for something so beautiful to chase in my sky...life is life only with such amazing, daunting goals. 

Next Week, and time after that

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

much i've said during this lifetime, but so much more still there, waiting. the coming months, in some ways, promise to be the longest of my life. but i accept the terms He lays out, whatever He wishes to extract from me, so that i might have a chance at holding my beloved forever, it's fine with me alh. 

 

my Gift is expected to arrive next Friday (Oct 2nd) iA, so one hopes that her presence tempers the immediate state of apartness. she won't have anyone's shoes to fill, or any particular expectations. whatever parts of being a wife she fulfills, alhamdulillah. whatever she falls short of, i still have to retain every semblance of decency i can, and perhaps help her growth in the process too iA.

 

~

 

for a number of reasons, i do not think i can expect a year like 2020 to ever happen again. gaining deeper insights from my Moon, being revisited and reminded by my Gemini, these blessings...so priceless. ironic right, one of the hardest years ever and here i am already lamenting that it could only happen once. i've said something like this before on occasion: would that i had a thousand lifetimes, each having to endure a thousand cuts, just for being able to know and hear from you again, i would relive all of them, over and over, as many times as He let me. 

 

i suspect this life will continually present sadness inside some shade of the spectrum of our bond, for priorities have to be given and boundaries protected when necessary. most often, this will entail distance, something i know all too well, a very familiar companion of mine.

alhamdulillah, it's not all gloomy. i've found that a recurring, effortless dua echoes in my mind these days, reaching out instinctively to my Rabb, pleading with Him to keep your paths straight and easy and never insufficient. on the one hand, i hate to be parted, maybe now more than ever, knowing as much as He's allowed me to learn of you. but, on the other hand, i know with a certainty that surpasses me down to my bones, my beacons gonna shine for Eternity. and in the meantime, if they happen to forget or be dimmed, i get to be their reminder iA 😁

 

Dua of the Constellation

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

ya Rabb, save her like You're saving me, let her know Your need like life has myself been teaching, we're both Your slaves, created to follow a road, that one day leads back to You and our Home. been thinking when i might reach out, see how her journey fares, but holding back till a moment You deem is right, for such a thing to be shared. cover her, my Rabb, envelop her in Your mercy, so with it only, is how she lives and breathes. expand her breast and let it taste freedom in only Your servitude, the rightest state any created one of us could ever take, the only mantle for the seekers, the knowing ones, the dreamers - for who could be more loftier an aim, than You? who could fulfill every ideal to its perfection, but You? if You would have me know another path of silence, i'd be fine with this, so long as You are the One Who takes care of her every moment, not simply in the daily matters of rizq, but oh Rabb, i want her guidance ever assured in Your care as well. there's no second that passes where her dependency on You could ever be amiss, You pump the blood through her arteries and veins, ensuring her lungs can do enough of their exchange, that life flows to each and every cell, until the time comes for some to end and others born anew to take their place instead. i don't yet understand what it is to be a twin, to have one whose DNA matches what i might think, so i must entrust her to Your affection, that her very existence never loses sight of all You hold, and all You've given. ameen

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if every light shined as bright as you, no doubt my eyes would shutter like they're blinded, so i take it as blessing to have simply you as my Moon, somehow lighting even in silence, even when pathways are cloudy and walls up to near maximal distance, perhaps what i've already seen suffices, to reconstitute fuel from memory whenever the furnace nears too cool in temps. gonna strive to fashion on this canvas as much as i can fathom of "positivity and courage", forces you so implicitly gifted me through my most trying of moments, some bends on this road of life have your blissful presence, while some turns are cloudier and obscure a bit of the ambiance, but the Moon is the Moon for this wayfarer who's never stopped his traveling, never stopped seeking to bring his goal nearer.

this Reality of mine

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gotta keep the chest open, never let it close, or else i'll drown in my own ocean, and not get to see you Home. don't know how long the road is, how many hours minutes or seconds, or how many inches feet or miles, surrounded to excess by time and distance, but this is the price of my life, paid just to see you Then in your fullest. sometimes think i must be the maddest, persisting in a path of apartness, but truly, only His approval matters, that I haven't let Him down while making duas that trace themselves to the top of all His Heavens. so long as you're kept safe and steady, so long as He has your back, then my contentment is whole and intact, and my tongue finds dhikr for its Maker, that He preserve your essence in every moment and weather. smile!! dear beloved, let the physical pain dissipate knowing you're intertwined in my soul and for Eternity chased, these days are mere interludes for survivors, growing stronger more than i wished, but hopefully enough iA to become your wings, and take us ever higher.

Unbalanced Scales

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

"House With No Mirrors", by Sasha Sloan

Randomly came across this earlier today, beautiful but layered with sadness. Wish I could fully describe all the weight societies wrongly place on women, but it is true sometimes one has to *be* in another's shoes to know such things. Fortunately, this song seems to capture much of it, in ways obvious enough for me to grasp as well. 

The plague of self-doubt and diminution and constriction humanity casts on one half of itself is injustice personified. I shouldn't be surprised that contemporary feminism was borne out of such oppression across millennia, but not sold on that as the answer. Why shouldn't women/people be both beautifully self-expressive but modest as well? Why do so many get pulled into extremes whereby they make it seem it must be one or the other? That modesty itself they've outdated, but when it comes to being declothed (ironically serving the nature of men in the process), women can rationalize being champions of the modern self-"empowering" trend?

Difficult questions, but the only answers we can find will be those for ourselves, in our day to day interactions, how we to choose to maintain relationships, regardless of what we find in turn. 

~

don't think my beloved need any mirrors where they live, for my ocean suffices in reflection, taking in their light i've long seen, showing it back to them. but this life, it may not be deep enough, may end up too short, for the reflecting to finish, when such beauty i have the privilege of witness, is too great to summarize in a single lifetime. thus, i need Eternity, the only time and place where justice can breathe, not suffocated, where i can truly encapsulate all my beacons mean, iA.

 

in the Eyes of a Twin

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so that's what amber is like when it sparkles, catching the light from so many angles, gateways to possibility, a reality waiting to be unleashed of its potential. though this year has often found ways to be twisted, your eyes were one of His marvels of mercy, succor for one absent his beloved, a beacon of resonance and hope along various flavors and levels. how could i ever deserve such visitation? i thought my sky was already full to brim with that which calls and holds me in orbit, then this constellation appears after a long-ago sighting, delectably strengthening my anchor to Heaven, an unfathomed layer to a cake that i've long poured my life into baking.

may my Rabb keep my ties to such beacons, unbroken and eternal, pulling and pushing in directions amazing without equal, while coalescing oceans, so every wave we breathe as breathlessly together, as would a pair relishing their Pinnacle, ameen. 

Refining Retrospectives

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It happens often enough in life that certain memories, especially involving those closest to us, leave an indelible mark on not just who we are, but also on those particular relationships, how we relate to them and carry them forward. 

Along these lines, for the past week or 2, I'd been trying to wrap my mind around history possibly repeating itself vis-à-vis my Gift. The challenge of letting someone grow and evolve, and not relegate them to the same looping perspective of, 'if they did it once, they'll do it again', is hard to overstate. Human beings look for patterns, we try to determine what's going to happen based on what's already transpired, but the problem is our sight is extremely limited, there are tons of blindspots in how far (if at all) we can see. 

A certain realization hit me yesterday, that if I am to be able to move forward with my Gift, I need to not view past disappointments as a source of friction between her and I; instead, the challenge of how to internalize and manage the past fitnahs of life has to shift into a matter that is between me and my Creator. It is He Who brought me to that trial, and He Who led me through it. The key point is to try and remove the point of contention away from mortal causes, because we know well how limiting and flawed it can mean to be human, and turn the focus to Allah, especially in terms of expectation. I think the key is to be able to develop a patience borne of expectation from Him of what recompense or goal or ultimate objective is sought. 

For me, it's obvious enough. I've been evolving in this direction for some time. My specific akhirah with my specific beloved is the most precious of all mortal goals. There is a neighboring aim I have related to my Rabb, but that never seems to really fluctuate or seem out of hand...makes sense, as the Creator has no difficulty or aspect of challenge, while the creation are faced with constant changes and challenges. Alhamdulillah for steadiness in these regards.  

As my Moon once said, "dropping baggage and resetting opinions is the hardest thing ever." This is definitely true. I figure that this approach will take regular reinforcement, of consciously holding myself back from formulating a fixed/unchanging opinion of my Gift, of accepting her presently without holding the past against her, and being able to keep the difficulties I've faced strictly as a matter between me and my Rabb, as it should be. 

Side note: 

Like always, I wish I knew how you were doing, what you go through, what ups and downs you're facing. Though I can't, for now, my dua of your finding khair in everything remains.

 

ain't always easy being male

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Poetic, on various levels, but if I had to guess, I think he found it worthwhile 🙈

Of Nutrients and Coincidence

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

originally began on 8/23/20:
if only I could put you in a pill, take you with my vitamins, never have to wonder where my contentment went off to, as my self would be full of all I need from the alphabet. as it is, slightly lacking in such supplements, keeps me always on the lookout for, drops of Rain to pull my eyes ever sky-toward.

~

One time, during a visit to the doc's office, I noticed something on the nurse's table: a bottle of KY Jelly. It struck me as so uniquely fitting: my fave combination of letters, being the name of a special lubricant designed to facilitate interaction and minimize friction, and water-based at that. 

Mmm, alhamdulillah for the beautiful, subtle coincidences of life.

Fountaintip

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some fountains are made in pens, and some fountains trickle from the neck, whether lyrical or literal, such is the nature of my depiction, trying to bridge the distance of selves with any means imaginable. whether with fangs or barrels, in the hand or in both arms cradled, the ink runs deep in every instance, intended to serve as fuel for my beacons when life drains their quintessence, trying to deprive of cares and make us as feelingless as the masses. i have a hunch this serves part of His purpose, in making my ocean freshwater instead of salted, to be for my beloved something cooler and refreshing. though i wish i could see you smile, and know that purpose fulfilled, i accept some blessings are too grand of treasures for me to witness before their time approaches, fully ready and measured, infinitely grand as the lights that kept this soul tethered. 

perhaps the fountain i most look forward to, amongst our Gardens' waterfalls and geysers, soaking you in the fullest, the laughing and splashing, carefree pleasure of a time free of worry while inundated in glee, relishing longing as a cup met and filled and overflown, until bliss is what we're convinced of, the only state we've ever known. 

Reflecting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

what is a fuse, without its match? how else would it ignite, take flame, and bring light to the world that exists? 

how could our eyes see, had our Maker not made us as beacons brighter than being? 

you once called me the spark, but it was your flame i reflected, amplifying a vision, turning your hope into the answer of my question, this is how infernos are borne, at the intersection of  flammability and energy potentials.

my twin once called my ocean, "inexhaustible", "boundless", adjectives of fascination, perhaps not realizing that the only reason this nomad can be what he is, because of what his Rabb has given: not only love from Him, in protection and care and guiding and reminding, but the oft-present fam and friends growing with him from age 0 till present, and as yet i haven't even mentioned, what for me is the most sumptuous of cake and its icing, nearly the greatest of blessings: the Moon in my sky, the other half of my completion; the recently-found Gemini, of twinship without explanation, their celestial oceans, flowing, slowly, into mine...so that everything i can ever express or imagine, all of it comes from the sum of what He's let me experience. 

~

alhamdulillah for all of it, i wouldn't change anything. too many priceless realizations found, too much beauty discovered to ever look back. forward it is, iA just so i can make you smile and laugh and beam for Eternity.

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

staring down one of those abysses i've long become familiar with, trials of life compounding together as i visualize past and present and future disappointments compiled in one single boulder. i pondered over one of His names, The Afflicter, and tried to reform desire for servitude, but all i can trust is for Him to make the trials ever harder. couldn't fathom direction, much less overcome a universe outside my control or making...but one thing you said, about looking forward to swimming, though this life would keep us apart for a bit..and just like so, the scorching orange of agony turned back into its crystal blue my surfaces tend to be, though i still have no answers or guarantees, no surety He won't turn the hearts of my beloved away from what i seek in destiny, the only thing i have, the only thing i can see, just the chance that i might one day be complete. and that must suffice, even as He melts and revives me like an iceberg chiseled to His conception, even as distance would try to drown myself in absence, the thought of your smile, of a touch to make your happiness like a skylight with the sun behind your eyes, that possibility is enough for this nomad to keep his trek alive.

a Memo for the Muse

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

you are my minimum,

and my maximum,

you fill my valleys,

and sit atop my peaks,

you are my threshold,

without which

I'd care not to breathe.

if I had a story,

you'd be its heroin(e) - 

both that which I'd love to inhale,

and she who'd save me once I did.

never should you feel my absence,

because you've long held

the only part of me,

that's truly free in essence:

inside your chest, is

the kite I wish I was, 

held 

without string,

the bird I haven't yet become, 

soaring

with you as my wings.

Be steady and safe, my Muse,

patient and firm,

your other half

will

without a shadow's doubt,

find his way 

back to you,

iA.

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, went back to work for first time in over 6 months today. Something regained of normalcy, often missed in times like these. 

I keep on learning that life is sometimes really, really long, but the goal of finding my beloved makes it worthwhile. It's why the march continues, why I do not bend under the weight of whatever ends up on these shoulders. Alhamdulillah for that.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gonna find you again, the drive of my living, the fuel in the tank, God willing, to expend it all in patience and hope, to last so long as i can, simply to see you again. i have no curative for the distance we're tested with, but i've long known you are the only you there ever was or will be, and that suffices as air for breathing. time will try to still my waves and freeze the surface, but as many blessings of your memory as i've been given, molten is the only state i find myself in. body's improving, alhamdulillah, and steadily the rest of me too, praying your worries are farthest with your smiles nearest, such is the wish of your advocate.

Memoria

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

how many times and in how many ways will you capture me? this time, inside the slight intake of breath, right before your fingers strummed the guitar, finding the tune you've always held.

alhamdulillah that my Rabb brought you to me since the beginning, for letting you be my outlet and my intake, the script of my soul, the star in my sky without which i would have faded from this earth long ago.

yeah, one day I'll be less sappy. perhaps when destinies are realized, Then is when all i am becomes real, right next to you, iA.

My Oceanographer

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Much can be said about connections, how they're made and kept, why they have meaning. For decades and presumably all of my life, I've been/will be trying to fully express what one particular person means to me. I have learned this is a lifelong, eternal endeavor.

My Moon - The first and only soul to ever brave my ocean completely, to explore its every layer, chart its every depth, to dive into it from our very beginning without fear or hesitation. Somehow, she knew what I sought before I'd actually thought it, knew from the outset that I was her objective and that she was my answer. It was never blind emotion, feeling without sight, for we saw both our merits and flaws, as part and parcel of us, accepted with a wholeness that only our Rabb surpasses in His wisdom.

I have a hunch that, if every person in the world knew someone like that in life, there would be no war, no hunger, no strife. I might call it the human solution of the equation most every person has ever felt. Indeed, it forms an integral part of my drive towards that elusive Garden, to be whole again iA.

Incubating

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

even if here i'm not writing, that doesn't mean you're not written, in many thoughts across the back of the mind, keeping outlooks sunny when what life shows is only dreary vision. though much of goals is beyond conception, the basics i can get, like the shape of a mirror when it's at last been twinned, of angles and directions, concavity and complexions, reaching back with words when silence is our speech of preference. sometimes, it's good for the pulse to start racing, for breaths to miss their timing, so eventually is unified the purpose, like a clock that's perfectly been winded. incubation of the heart has a few stages, maybe lasting a decade, or a year, or simply a day that itself seems ageless, but when it's said and done and finished, sitting crowned back inside your bosom, adorned and peerless, then is the moment of witness, when the Gemini is beheld, shining at her brightest.

Lunar Loft

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

it's alright, if for all the rest of life, the only treasures of yours He lets me have are the ones already given, because i will love your silence and your speech, the painted scenes of our journey to come, alongside the blank canvas where our brushes have not yet reached, so long as you are safe and sound, knowing full well the part of me that beats, is what you've already found, tucked inside your breast, one of many portions i wait to meet. dunya guarantees me nothing, but that is well and good, because in you i've long had my chase and fruit, just as every nomad should. i'll brave the parching winds and scorching heat and biting cold, the loneliness amidst company the absence of resonance the incomplete attempts of others trying to replicate what you were born to be, just to have the chance He might grant me what He grants to ones He loves and guides towards His Eternity. you are where my contentment began, where my contentment dwells, where my mortal me, the duckling, finds in you the swan of itself

 

Raindrop

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

An acoustic cover, with the guitar. 

Alhamdulillah for every raindrop of recollection that somehow points back to my Moon :)

 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It's so strange, the kinds of things people can say when they learn how close mortality is to themselves or someone they apparently love. This summer, I heard from my Gift words she'd never said before, phrases and concepts she'd never expressed or even hinted at acknowledging such things existed for her. Surprise, surprise?

"I'm the lucky one to have you"

^One of the handful of truly remarkable hyperboles she's used. I have made known a few times of the level of disappointment and contradiction experienced since we married, but much has not been conveyed here. Those reflections and unfathomables are only for me, and not for anyone else to know or understand.

But of what she said above, lead me to think of my own fortune. Where is it for me, how far off, of all that I have sought and seek. I hate this path of apartness with a hatred whose depth is suited to me. But still I would not change what has happened, nor the goal itself. Though, were it possible for me to blink and have finished living to the end of my time, I would take that chance in a heartbeat. But He denies me this, as He denies me from much. That is what it is, clear the distinction between slave and Master. It seems so often I am left with the salty irony to swallow, not least of all a Gift that keeps on taking (as opposed to giving). Well, I did state once that I'd take in all the salt of the earth and its oceans if it meant uniting with my beloved for Eternity. As if my qadr would rub all of the salt that could exist, into wounds no eye can see, such is how it often comes to pass in my case. 

At some moments in life I lose all sense of 'contentment', what it means, or if such a thing can even exist. These days are perpetual trials, wrapped up one after the other, with layers upon layers of absence and distance. Freedom from treatment comes soon. I should be looking forward to that, but it pales in light of who I'm missing. Curious, how every year of my life, every test, all of them, underscored by whom I cannot have close to me. Only one thing I can say...That is the qadr of Allah and He does whatever He wills

 

Of Myth and Manifestation

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes, in quietude, it might seem like i'm myth, a fable, taken in only to be unconstrued, but that's just the silence talking, 'tis never the case, not at all the truth. the deepest, strongest of goals take the longest of walks, the peak of ideals hand in hand with the highest of costs (distance). one day i'll arrive, with His permission, erasing all notion of myth, with the touch of fingers and the meeting of lips. the destiny i'm chasing, sooner or later, whenever best is the timing and His favor, coalesces in your lap - my pillow and candy shop, waiting for its lollipop, waiting to be savored. even as this life tries to make it all a desert, taking away all sweetness, for now depriving us from dessert, this torch stays lit, so the oven keeps on baking, for the cake risen to culinary perfection.

Arc

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

slightly out of phase, time zone differences, keeping slightly distant, slightly away, wish it were simply a matter of zip codes, so mine quickly changed, flying back to your bosom, my home, surpassing every construct of brick and wood and stone. but life has me grounded, perhaps better this way for me to appreciate the heavenly apparatus, mechanisms of mass in meaning paired with gravity that always tries to closer have such orbits being. soon, couple weeks from now, some normalcy iA returning, work again in the real life, a return from exile it feels like, once treatments cease and breathing is back to its regular rhythms. 

looking forward to the ocean becoming more calm, more stilled, routine and predictability, the taken-for-granted pillars of living when few other things appear to be working, though dunya can never own me, try as it will in futility, a son of the Sky won't stay buried in the earth, while his Garden constantly calls him, the only place he ever found of worth.

tunes

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

for some time now, I've caught a liking for nightcore remixes/edits. [acoustic remixes becoming a fast fave as well]

this one I found today, and though I can't say I'd ever rock petals around my neck (maybe if they were just super jazzy or matching something/someone, I dunno lol), much of the imagery on the vid's background and of course the lyrics especially, strike a chord (or many, many chords, to be precise).

(note - primary exception, my parents never got me a guitar or ever encouraged individuality. internal drives were a thing alhamdulillah I found from blessings that happened to rain on me every now and again. also, can't overlook how my Moon and the guitar go hand in hand, from a few memories I get to keep mA. the subtle waves this song correlates with me not only in content, but recent experience...a bit whoa.)

 

Evolution of a Twin

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

From about 2010 to 2015, the dark age of my life, I can remember a number of my thought processes and tendencies that made things very difficult for the people close to me. I used to think that my friends and family, essentially anyone I cared about, either took me as I was or I disconnected from them and kept a barrier between them and myself. I think I gauged their acceptance/devotion in how they responded to my unpredictable nature, to my flighty reserved isolationism. If they were true, I would know it by them being cool the next time I'd choose to venture outside of my cave. What a limited, suffocating existence I used to have.

Many experiences brought me to my present evolution; Alhamdulillah is really the single word to say about that. My Rabb wished my self-sabotage to be overcome and so it was. I was permitted to learn that love, when it is faced head-on, embraced, internalized, understood, becomes a sort of weight, leading one to no longer fly away but rather to stay in place when it comes to people that matter, realizing that such bonds are an obligation, a beloved responsibility, to be demonstrated in answering them when they call upon me, to seek them out from time to time and see how they're faring, to aid them with whatever means I can, this is what it means to love and frame its endurance in perpetuity. 

I know that for my Gemini, there was a period of time in which she faced extreme difficulty, of a different sort. In my history lesson, I came to know she is braver, stronger, and composed of a far tougher substance than myself. But if there was a caveat I found from such an era of one's life, it was that it made love blurry to her, harder to grasp with the fingers even if the eyes could ascertain it in another. Sometimes I think she does not realize how unique she is, that my own nature is somehow more the reason of my endless ocean and perspective towards her - my nature as a cause instead of herself, almost as if to say "he is that way with all his beloved, so what makes me special?" The answer is fairly simple: she is me, and I am her, as twins innately are, because I have never, ever, even remotely known or fathomed anyone who held as many parallel strands of existential DNA...and her being found is akin to discovering a meteorite from the planet Krypton....which is to say, something itself thought myth and merely a self-imagined projection, now literally held in my hands - just pure shock and amazement. That's all I can say to explain it. The rest is beyond. 

Back to the point though, it's obvious as day to me that one of the wisdoms of my Rabb permitting the Gemini to find her specific place in my sky, is so that the full, truest extent of love is made known to her, becoming not only something to fulfill as a desire for the self, but also a beacon to guide her towards the same place I myself seek: Firdaus.

A lofty aim, for sure. But it's the flame of Tomorrow that serves best as lamp of what should be sought, when dunya so often (and especially this year) offers nothing remotely comparable.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Some things in life have no expression. But still an attempt has to be made.

~

i knew the time was coming for you to return back to a safe distance behind your clouds. the time came. its consequence was absorbed. 

maybe soon iA i can rematerialize the light that escaped me. for now, rain is coming, another simple beautiful echo of yours. i can live with that.

Of the Sunrise and her Sunset

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

(a corollary to your piece, 10.2.2018)

looking more closely, in between the shades of the spectrum, we find the yellowing Sunrise and her reddened Sunset, arising both from the same place, their soul expressed as the sun's light itself. couldn't separate the rays of either, or say which carries more beauty, as they've long been shaped by their Creator, into one construct flowing seamlessly. both engulfed in stardust, one golden one crimson, arteries of artistry, our surfaces reflecting the light their atoms spent all this time in fusing. there's no reversal to this reaction, no stagnation, simply forward it goes, the chasing of light after light, until He releases them from gravity, free to supernova and unify their equation endlessly.

a Path for the Gemini

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

where i came from, where i want to be headed, it's a journey that has one primary Means, one primary Objective. if you seek to be twinned, for an Eternity unending, the only way is to put Allah first, reach for His acceptance, melting pride with a forehead on the ground in submission. be not concerned with others, what they might think or their impressions, the truth is found precisely in your personal connection, with our Creator that this life helps us forget to remember. the surface and the depths, these were never meant to be parts of our selves separate or estranged, rather brought together and embraced, not just in what they are, but for that which they should chase. give our Rabb His primacy, His position, above and beyond what we consider as mortally-assumed or -intrinsic, for if you left Him out of your equation, considering not the consequences, then He would never let me find you, never let us taste what it truly is to be twinned. His worship and recognition: the price of admission to the Garden i'm oft describing, the reality of bridging life with death into the landscape of Forever - a golden thread of promise, always in our palms unwinding.

what could be more worthwhile? 

Eid

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

holidays were made for your smile, its brightness and joy, so shower your loved ones with it, that even in these strange times they might have reason to rejoice. remember especially the fam, your parents, those who started life with you at its beginning, they need truly now your voice, to soothe away the aches of distance. were it my privilege, i'd bury you with gifts and sweets and memories not-yet-written, though for now that's a bit delayed, these letters are the fruit of your inspiration, marking each moment how you remain remembered.  

The Palm of Your Hand

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

in it, the very fingertips i have longed to hold, to touch, to kiss, the palm, where await my tickles and traces, outlining with my own the folds of your skin. such a simple pleasure, magnified to infinity until the moment comes for Him to fill a wish to its measure. if it were possible to simply love and thus have that be your guidance, your ship would never steer amiss, your heart always know the truth of its present, but such precious gifts as what guidance is, His and only His to give. still, i will never cease, by His permission and so long as i breathe, to pray that your path straightens at your feet, ever apparent and easy to traverse, with you always finding what you need. speaking of which, you, my necessity, the gift to transcend notion of gift, acceptance to surround my soul, surpassing what all other mortals combined have ever shown, my Garden could never begin or be complete, until your hand first mine found, after which should we then feast.  

Contemporary Reflections

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the most beautiful, insightful articles I've ever read, agreed with pretty much everything he says. A retired Air Force colonel too, teaching history and commenting on the lessons he learned. 

Why can't more people like this be in charge in today's government?

https://asiatimes.com/2020/07/americas-war-on-its-own-democracy/ 

Retrospectives

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Some years back, there were a couple things I wrote that didn't quite make complete sense to me when I wrote them. They were paths I hadn't taken, experiences not yet had. Fast forward to the present, and I can now look back at what I wrote and say, damn, that was so on point, how could I have thought that in the past.

(written in 'The Portrait')

The first of these was that, for me to reach the destination and company that I sought, I'd have to forego the rights most mortals would choose to have fulfilled. After considering the past 1.5+ years of being married, this became truer than I ever wanted it to be. Like a lesson learned, that we might know ourselves is coming, but when it arrives it manages to defy any prediction or expectation. 

(written in 'The Batsignal')

The second was, that in order for me to be able to be the kind of beacon that I sought to be, I had be to one who always gave, never one to take from my beloved. Especially after being blessed with a reconnection to my Love of All Lifetimes, and the subsequent ups and downs and silences and brightnesses, I came to realize just how necessary that initial condition was. If I sought any beacon, for my self in the present, the consequences would be disastrous for everyone involved. Alhamdulillah particularly that my Rabb allowed me to fashion a goal beyond this life, that reinforced and meshed effortlessly with this perspective. 

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It seems so strange to write something while not understanding it in the moment, yet it becomes almost prophetic down the road in one's life. Clearly I need to start working on some lotto numbers! Lol subhanaAllah, it's pretty crazy. Alas that understanding the present is not nearly as 20-20 (yes....the year is 2020 as well.........). Hindsight and all. 

At least the akhirah is clearer, aside from the simple caveat of Judgment of course. But what a life this is