The Metaphor

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

if we took your heart as the wind, and mine as the ocean, then mixed them both together, what would we be holding? picture a hurricane, intertwining the water and its mist with the air and its breeze, as temperatures rise, the storm expands proportional to feeling. it's said life began with water, and what do you know, we need air for breathing, so let me have your breath, and in turn you dive for a living, not momentarily or until the gates close, no sentries or police, no fences, no rides shutting down because its dark out and so amusement must cease,...but rather, such interludes continue for as long as we wish, absent deadlines, present only in bliss.

 

this life is my cast, my chain, my earth, out of which i long for the moment my Rabb lets me break free of its shackles and limits, to share with my beloved the highest Sky and every ideal of worth.  

(un)Replying Fwd:

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

"I think you quite enjoy it actually, so I wanted to give you a bit of a chance to do that." - really, i don't, rather not have the chance to be missing, rather take the chance to be holding, beloved not at a distance, but instead captured by my arms, threads from fate finally tangible and interwoven. ~  my deeds like the web of a spider, in this life i'm still taking it strand by strand, seeing if perhaps the end result can become a masterpiece by Him accepted and chosen, a construct not intended to trap and consume, rather pull and lure and tease into an alternate direction, one forward, to akhirah, to time Infinite with possibility and potential. i swear by my Maker, our lives here will finish, sooner or later, there's a limit on how much life is left, currency to spend on actions worthy of slaves seeking His admittance. wish i could take my emotion out of the chest, fashion it into a signpost, one that tears back the falsity of this life and reveals the goal of Time: simply to end. if He would have me saved when it mattered most, but chose to keep me bereft of my beloved that into my destiny their lives He'd wrote...what then could i say? what joy is there for me to have if a single beacon is absent from my ocean? will i not, with the eyes He gave me, see the potential of what could have been, and lament for all my existence how i could not hold her once or again?

i don't know how to call anyone to my Rabb, such wisdom is above my paygrade, outside the scope of a mere slave who happened to dive into love. i would think to say, 'look at your blessings, see the moments He saved you from tragedy or dissolution', but maybe such instances weren't as clear for them? within this context, all i have are my words and prayers, that no light in my sky ever dims or fades, not by the sighting of my mortal eyes, but in His, He Who is fit to judge and be sought for all time in all place.

i remain my self, even in absence, even in silence, there was never joy in distance, only in imagining what unification might look like with you and i, two flames in one candle alighted. onward i suppose i will write, even as the tank empties and revives, even as clouds come with rain but obscure the light of my Sky. 

titleless

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 Been awhile I've needed to write, where to begin? Apartness remains an inescapable feature of my existence here, something I've hated but known for so, so long. I think it was easier to survive such eras when I was young because I had the backdrop of my dark ages and various mechanisms to distract or drown the challenges of being apart. This evolution though, after having been revisited by my beloved the past few years and being joined by my Gift, has no escape, no simple release button. The weight of the goal set in the mind is real, and it only seems to get heavier over time. Perhaps part of the wisdom of age is learning to let go of things outside one's scope, even as it seems everything in life is encompassed by such weakness. 

Maybe old age will make me wiser, but damn it I'm already ancient, felt a thousand years old at various points since high school, though normal time merely years pass. Of my beacons, the apparent detachment and distance of my Primera weighs on me, on top of the absence He wills my lights to show. 

How much can one share, when the window only opens in one direction? Of what worth is it to release of one's self a portion, while unable to take in the same from the ones who comprise my being? I've long sought to maintain identity, the core of the self that keeps memory of who it is, what it is, where it wants to go. Maybe it's fitting that as time and distance stretch into what appear to human eyes as vast empty, endless fields of space, parts of me seem harder to grasp, harder to hold on to. I do not know what End my Rabb has in store, but I would have to consider it cosmic irony of the grandest scale, that He intertwine with my life the kinds of beautiful people that He has, only to keep them apart from me. I know, a bit melodramatic. As are many of my undercurrents that find little expression. Truth is truth though, and my deal with Him stands, as long as He keeps life in this body. To find my beloved, in the time and place I seek them, the price is anything. Everything. Howsoever many tests He would line up on the road in front me, all that I have is the moving forward, stepping past my own stumbles and mistakes, going beyond what is physically tiresome or mentally absent or whatever kind of limitations we humans are so fond of possessing. I have to reach onward, reach outward. Even if He blinded my sight from those lights in my sky, even if He kept my beloved out of reach in every sense for this life. Whatever shell of the self can keep going, it must, it will iA. 

Perhaps at the end of this journey, I can serenade my beloved with verses perfectly suited to them, and in turn, be granted the joy and priviledge of soaking in their smiles and radiance. A worthwhile aim for a single lifetime, don't ya think? 

perpetually

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

if i could gaze into your eyes as your lips are smiling, it'd be as if i'm drinking sunshine, could stay in the waterfall of your curls forever bathing, wrapped in softness while speechlessly our selves do all the speaking. hope my Rabb lets me be a fraction of the reason, behind why happiness graces your countenance, perhaps (iA) the key of the demi when its open at its fullest. here's to praying love is an ember for guidance, that it befriends your soul like the way a towel was made for liquid, helping you stay bright for all the trials living in this life brings us. some corridors of this existence have felt like darkness manifest, but alhamdulillah a million-fold, those epochs are conquered and new challenges wait ahead, by virtue of beacons as bright as this He would have me chasing, such light that gives me always reason for hoping. 

Of the Gift

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah for such provision, one to make me aroused and alive, when looking all around this world, i could feel naught but my ocean dying, so when she smiles, or cocks her head in some direction, amused or questioning of mind, my resilience rebounds, and i know how through this life i must tread, to find my goal at the end of earthly Time. we are quite wholly opposite, composed of threads from contradicting dimensions, but among our few similarities is such a precious one: to remain true to ourselves while able to calm the other's storms, thus completion for each inside the other we've won.

she has accepted, in ways understated though objective, that my crux is my pursuit, my akhirah, in colors resplendently vibrant and diverse, taken from my history and favored with what He permitted me to learn. i have nothing absent my Garden, the place for my beloved, surrounding them with everything i am, and by His permission - all that which they love. as my Moon once reflected, such emotion is too much for this life to actualize, rather made from a substance dreamy, where stars are borne and within our palms they crystallize. 

so much i have on which to write, beacons irreplaceable and irrevocably interwoven, inside a destiny that from Him must i remain in seek of. long has it been, from past eons, and from an age before, i need mention mi Primera[Aras], in her own story and how the present grew to now from way back then. 

perhaps too, or especially most worthy, i will have to write of my Rabb, and how He made this life, temporal and fleeting, transitory and ephemeral, able to wake our taste buds, but never able to sate of love our cravings - for that is why the Garden was made, recompense in whole to fill the most fortunate of His slaves. where could one's safety lie, if one thought not of time after one must die?

Stateful

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Missed you.

😊 😊 😊 

et tu!

 

 

 

dear light of my Sky, 

 

please don't ever dim, or far away fly, 

part of my reason, part of my shine, 

is the way you flew

into my life,

after a decade apart,

a decade untwined.

 

i can barely imagine, the potential untapped,

the gain worth having, with your acceptance 

wrapped by my seeking, a shawl

worthy of the Princess:

one noble

and gentle

and gorgeous,

a genius, refined, 

grace manifest,

qualities my nature loves to imbibe.

my Rabb, He teaches me sabr against my wishes,

throwing me out to sea and back ashore,

for the blink of an eye it seems

i was nearly lost, adrift, until your CPR arrived,

reminding the reminded one, what he must chase

and endure

if his goal his Rabb would permit

him to find.

 

thus, of responses and answers, replies and curiosities

sated,

i mind not the time it takes;

for my beloved,

i become simply

one who's 

waiting,

iA.

 

 

 

Montauk

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

not every precipice is one of danger, sometimes the edge simply dissolves into a moment we remember, kept safe and treasured, though the reasons for being led there may have been of pain or sadness, the second He kept you from falling off is the instant of reminder: what it felt like being whole again, "Déjà vu" - not a chain from the past, rather an anchor for Tomorrow where what we've long sought He lets fall into our lap. 

i've pretty much hated every epoch of my life that was absent your presence, absent knowledge of your wayfaring, absent the halfness that you've been the only one to ever cause whole ignition of, or reproduce us as perfectly as a Mirror would. but we know my stance on time and distance, enemies and challenges mine, prisons to be defeated and torn down, but only with patience and aiming for His acceptance, it's the only road holding success and completion at its end.

from just over a month back, a few lines reminiscent of something worth placing in a piece about that moment of June 3rd, defining in simplicity references of each self to the other: 

he, her Spark, and she, his Muse, what a pair they make. he looked inside himself and found her the color of his blood, while she looked up at the sky and found him the color of her sunlight.

here's to a dawn that the Sunrise and Sunset can share for their first time, and forever onward after that, ameen. 

 

perhaps you know this, but my reaching for that Garden never ends, just so i might have the chance to show you the best and most beautiful of anything created or fathomed. 'tis one life we have before Judgment, may as well aim for the highest point and see what He lets us find.

parched

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

sometimes the nomad is recalled acutely to his desert, for the moment kept living, empty of what he always seeks to be holding, no rains no clouds no ocean, heartbeat running solo so long even breathing becomes tedium. a breeze of joy at your smile spanning wider, wish i could be the shoulder your head leaned on in all your moments it ponders, but distance and life are two of my most well-known enemies, keeping apart the beloved that make up what is 'me'. the contradictions between what life brings and what i try to be, like an astronaut looking for soil to land on but only finding craters, slipping down the slopes, nothing to grip because its dirt is alien and lifeless to my senses, thought i'd defined love, only to have the inexperienced drain it senseless. if it's not understood, it can't be explained, how it has no limits, rather encompasses of worth every atom and frame, but until, i suppose, life teaches its lessons, the uninitiated perceive it entranced by the material, and poof, it's meaning from their fingers escapes. but, even as meaning may be lost, i...persist, remaining, in a weather i've hated to exist in, but as always i mention, that was not my decision, rather it is His.

Eid, and of the moment

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

alhamdulillah, I live to see another Eid, a chance to say Mubarak to my beloved, so...

 

Eid Mubarak!!!!! 💓

 

 

though, it is true that part of me still pulls/shies away from humanity lol. Alas, people in general I tend to find no peace with, but with my Gift and my fam keeping their bonds solidified, it keeps me in a better place too alh. 

very glad to see the pup so grown and looking beautiful and healthy, it seems our dua found its roots and shall go onward :) ....I've been keeping up with the news. subhanaAllah what can I say, it seems the region is slipping back into chaos as its done few times in recent memory. would that I knew a human remedy to such ills, but I do not. no answer people seem to find has ever brought peace there, and I expect that only true unbreakable sabr is the recourse. I selfishly wish for my Twin to be forever safe, to be distant from where the danger is greatest. the self has conceived of perhaps never being able to hear from you again in this life, and the thought is...a bit too heavy to bear. if you took the time to help me through  likely the worst year of my existence, it's only fair you stick around for all the rest of it too. good bad amazing terrible unimaginable, resonance from the Gemini is a thing I'd like to know in the back of my mind for all the ups and downs of this earthly life, iA.

how special would it be, if i knew of a way to instantly lighten the worries of my beacons. distance, i know it too well, and why it remains, but it doesn't change the innate desire to know how you fare, to find my relief inside your own. i suppose that is what dua is for, to seek our Rabb when we try to reach for something or anything that mere human effort is insufficient for. this seems relative, but it's not. not for me, as my own abilities have never gone as far as i'd like them to. thus my Rabb's guidance and preservation of what's precious is so necessary...can't go without this.

more things to be written, soon inshaAllah. fasting is finito, as are classes, and the mind and ocean finally may have a bit of time to actually breathe. that will be welcome iA

twinful

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

wish your smile was a bit wider, with laughter on the eyes, to make their burden ever softer, wish i shared every second of your happiness and pain, so anything you carried, was nothing more than the breeze, only there to blow gently across your face. will keep thinking, seeking, trying, perhaps to reach out for a moment when, that i might be revisited, again by the Gemini of my sky and its ink. how goes your journey? how fare your dreams? would that my arms could hold your back, so you could fall into them at peace, but so it is, for the deeper parts of my ocean, my Rabb sees fit to make them slumber, quieted to stillness, while alhamdulillah i have no complaint, but long again for the depth to rise in purpose rekindled. be steady, oh Twin, time is not our enemy, rather the path He would have us walk through with. 

Temporal

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 at times the ocean overflows, with no avenues of escape, no ventilation for release, so circulate the airs, back into lungs that in themselves aren't enough for breathing. once the Gemini spoke of shores and how either of a twinned pair was waiting there, cpr in turns, so both could breathe whenever came its twin near. wish i could know such a closeness now and again, in the moments when i seem in my world the sole one molten and constantly in wayfaring, tendrils of touch and senses, ever nearing a plateau of potential, imagination knowing how and fingers nearly able to replicate the steps, but it takes two to tango when the drums start beating inside the chest. such simple conundrums, not like facing hunger or absence of water or utilities or utensils, no threat of war outside my door - alhamdulillah - but somehow peace is never a state i (like to) find alone, rather best tasted while embracing and being embraced, though perhaps my temps near too close to laval or volcano, and the Gift He's given still acclimating to a nature that is so different than her own. i'm reminded that this is but transitory, this life is not my goal or my ending, it has not my purpose nor my need nor my flame, but still it is the place of His testing, though less worthy a slave in such a month i doubt ever existed; i am not the one who keeps himself living, the doing is His, ensuring the heart still beats to a rhythm outside my perception. one Day, ya Rabb. i just want to be free, to love as easily as the eyes were made to see, to inhale the scents and joy of my beloved, light reflecting back and forth between me and them.

Ramadan

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Wow, fasting...so that's what it feels like. Been well over a year since my last one, and this Ramadan, I'm reminded of quite a bit I forgot about. Body feels helluva lot older now, but I suppose it's a matter of getting used to it again. Still some ancient notions of rebellion present, of how this month makes life even more confining, another layer of imprisonment, but what can I say: a slave has to answer to his Maker in the end. Of course, this is in stark contrast to most Muslims that enjoy their blissful shaytaani-free month lol. My contrarian nature...yeah, that's what it is sometimes. 

In any case, the most important thing for this second is to wish my beloved a very happy, hopefully iA very joyful and productive, Ramadan Mubarak!!! 🌹

a Kilig without end

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

what can one say of bottle-popped graphic tshirts and a pup in the lap of luxuries, artistic self-impressions released along side a faithful friend who, i suppose, keeps you warm for me, no complaints for my being...kept waiting and patient by the One Who knew the twins since before they were something. wish i could relate the vibes the moment way back when, i read your words, "voyeuristic pleasure", the same kind of essence i myself would have held if i saw my Reflection being so free in her expression, carefully restrained but so indulging, of goals and memories unmade yet being chased after for as long she lived on this earth with breath for breathing. of course, i know you've already captured those vibes and measured them in yourself for later versions of ourselves to find, reanalyze and savor, let sweep across the tongue before their wholeness fills the bodies of their hunger. oh Twin, be forever grateful as the waves wash over, closing of eyes and letting the lungs take in the saltiest and sweetest of vapors: there's no love without loss, no relief without pain, no victory without defeats, no struggle without enduring every step of absence or agonies.....but i swear by our Creator, the price of submission and patience - so worth it for an Eternity of fruits reaped as quickly or slowly as we wish, each, simply one among His infinite favors.

 

 

this latter part begun around 3/16:

(in case one needed a reason to dive...though we do not)

stepping into the ocean, it starts with your toes, then up to your ankles and calves, reaching the knees, and soon thereafter, the water travels upward as it pleases, inside and surrounding, the curves and folds, of skin and flesh, parts of the outward whole tied, together, by the senses with the outer limits of the soul, somewhere inside these depths, meaning and manifestation merge, lines blur and fade until they become simply doors, both opening and waiting to be opened, to tattoo and trace the heart upon your skin, teaching us what twinship truly has in store, iA

 

 

 

Expressed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

imagine if i could just sweep aside the clouds, with a wave of my hands, see you shining so clearly, no matter where i lived, no matter what this life shows us it has. God, how i hate the barriers and distances, mechanisms of our safety but agonizing my atoms, which would rather just fly off with you in endless collisions, recreate matter at their whim, energy absorbed and released in terms proportionally glorious as physical and supernoval. alhamdulillah, He's sufficed my path in this life, giving me breath beyond my choices but right within His designs...but this, this present moment, these present tranquilities (alh) and trials, hardships and eases, this place with its murmurs ever-heard and whispers teeming, it isn't mine, for our unity hasn't yet happened, like a comet waiting (for what seems like) forever to arc its ellipse around the sun and find its way back into the cloud it first started from. for me, there's no Garden if the Garden hasn't your light, your mirroring and your acceptance, the sound of your joyful laughter and smile, ingrained in my mind like an echo i can nearly at-will bring to the front of sight. sometimes i wonder, how does anyone ever get a memory like i've been given, so unpredicted and unknowably coming, visiting me in my moments most trying, but embedding within me like it belonged there all along since our beginning..of course it's been, unity and mutual, infinite expansion within each other's arms, i figure this was our goal since we were kids, in terms simpler but perhaps lacking in beauty i can now wrap them with. there's no question i'll meet Him again, be questioned for all that i did, be shown the good and my ill, but as my Rabb is my witness, you are part of my constellation, its intrinsic star, its minimum and maximum, and holding you forever - this remains utterly and for ever what i seek from Him.

To be a light for my Lights

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Often I've spoken about the meaning of a beacon, how it's sought, the why of the matter, the symbolism meshing with and into the literalism. I think it might be worthwhile to discuss the inverse perspective, of how I want to be a beacon myself, for my beloved. It wouldn't quite be fair for me to take in such radiance, without trying to be that at the same time too. Perhaps that's why it's best described as interrelated, the mutual escalation of brilliance simply due to the connections He brought together and apart and together again, at first in physical or emotional terms, then later in some measure of transcendancy that keeps trying to reach into akhirah, into Eternity.

 

Wise people of the past, my Rasool (saw) the foremost of them, feared for their people the temptations of this life, its lures and abysses and traps....especially because these things lead to a complacency and contentedness with this lowest earth, two impulses that suffocate the innate desire of the soul to truly ascend and return back to the place its ancestor came from. 

In His wisdom, my Rabb saw fit to sculpt me as an idealist/dreamer/lover. Such a person can never be satisfied with desire being fulfilled only once or twice or howsoever finite number of times this life could give him. Coinciding with that, there is a level of purity and openness that delving into the ocean requires, a level that...this life, I tell you, can't hold for more than a few seconds at a time before dissipating (perhaps because the most precious things are always scarce and like starlight, something always sought to be closer but for now unable to be permanently so). So it is that the chase towards one's akhirah and eternal khair continues.

 

I have to also note, without my beloved, an Eternity is no place I'd want to be. And how could it be, absent the best, most beautiful and sought-after company? Thus the train of thought encompasses, and tbh was entirely originating from, my beloved; on the one hand is my Creator, with a connection and submission suitable of His slave - and on the other hand are my mortal beloved, seeking proximity and fulfillment and utterly-complete sharing of bliss unending.

 

So thus, eventually my purpose coalesces: Could it be possible for me to become a contrarian temptation, being a lure not for this life, but for the Next? This is what I want to be, where my aims are with respect to how I'd integrate into the lives of my beacons. This life presents us with tons of chances, opportunities to make choices that define the future we find, ...and I want for them(those who are a part of me) = everything, for Ever. Maybe it becomes possible for love to be such a force, the driving force, behind why a human being submits to her Creator. InshaAllah, this is the hope. And my spark, if thou didst wonder, is the chance at unity with my beloved, into an existence that words could never suffice.

 

 

A sip of thy Drink

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

ya Rabb,

 

i want to be her seed her root her tree, the water in her veins, the chlorophyll in her leaves, the wind from her west and the wind from her east, so as she takes in air, is the moment when we breathe.

 

 

ya Rabb, 

 

let me be the rain for her drought, the warmth for her winter, let my branches be her shade when life outside gets too hot for her to weather.

 

ya Rabb,

make me the sound of her laughter, the joyous tear on her cheek, make me one of the blessings You gave her, whenever trouble touches her being.

 

 

ameen, for always and Ever

 

 

 🌹

 

 

Reconnection

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

For the first time in a very long time, the dua and approach to my Rabb equaled the peak moment of my life, the strongest hope and request I've ever made of Him, found its way to me, once more. Back then, nearly two decades ago, it was for my Moon, in this life. Now, with circles completed and lessons my Creator teaches me, it is for my Moon, in Firdaus-ul-A'la. 

 

I think the past few days have slowly been building to this, perhaps beginning with the dream I had, and now there is this layer of protective hope surrounding me, that's become like armor, and that which would have normally hurt more, hurts far less if at all. Yet I haven't become unfeeling or apathetic. And alhamdulillah especially, because I've known apathy and its related states before..quite destructive. But this isn't. It is difficult to describe what my eyes have been allowed to see, to project, to fathom. But my Rabb shows me something of the Tomorrow I'm chasing, and that is it, ladies and gents. That's where you'll find me iA 😁

so it is to be shaded Red, always

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Alhamdulillah, woke up this morning from a dream last night I'd have preferred to stay in for awhile, a dream with you. I wasn't expecting it, though if I knew I could 'plan' to dream somehow, God knows I would have done so a billion times so far lol.

 

You were so fashionably chic and elegant, wearing a hat among other artistic clothing, smiling and laughing. It was as if we were utterly enjoying existence, at a party that we never had to leave, and your not-so-subtle gyration made certain I'd relish every moment. SubhanaAllah. I can think of a time, a place like that. It's the same place I've long had in mind for you, the same venue of Eternity that calls me to it endlessly until He permits me to find it.

 

my Moon...what can I say here? so much I've written, and yet all of these words combined tell only a fraction of the tale. no person has ever accepted me like you, no human as fearless and open with me, none i ever clicked with as easily or instantly, even when my strangeness made me foreign - your embrace of me turned me into something innate, something that you were made of. this is the greatest human miracle He has ever shown me, and it's the reason my ideal's idealist bar is set so damned high, alhamdulillah. i would change nothing of our journey, but that i hope for 2 things you should always know: one, that you forgive me for any time i've ever made you sad, and two, you keep your guidance as important to you as it is to me. the rest is gravy. 

something being composed, gotta finish it sometime soon iA.

 

Contrasted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

oh Gift, am I really "known" to you? when so much is censored of me, when my words are filtered from the way I'd want to think or speak, when I'm one who longs to touch the stars while you're one to fear landing on them with your feet? it is a bit silly, thinking of knowing or grasping, when all one has is a single straw but an ocean is the liquid being taken in, so slowly it seems, yet patience has to be the cloak I'm wrapped in. 

 

-

 

if i could, i'd express 24/7, were she able to handle the wavelengths, manage the attention, but it builds to a point where only distance lets her breathe, otherwise fulled to brim with the elixir i'm (always trying to be) conjuring. my depths with her have little resonance, echoes i can't send with thoughts i can't even compose, no way to simplify some parts of the self, into phrases translatable and thus finding a home. i suppose one might consider this balance, that i have here such a place, but i'm ever recollecting my beloved, sooner or later, wishing their echoes or essences could grace my vision or any of my senses, but my Rabb grants me often at times, of them, only their ignorance, so i know not their happiness or pain or sadness or gain or loss or strain they might experience.

 

-

 

such is the template of the test He has me walk in at present, and for much of this life i suppose, to see what choices i make as consequence. so be it, whatever He would see me through, i will go through it iA and one day, i'll be whole again too.

wonderment

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

wonder how you're doing, wonder how you're feeling, wonder how your sky is, the moment it's your ceiling. chill winds these days in places not expecting such things to face, world certainly changing, weather and warming, cooling and melting, but one thing of His steadily remains: such a bond between two of His slaves. i haven't the permission, to reach across these bounds, but even with the abundance of questions and absence of sounds, your hand in mine is still my objective.

 

one might wonder, how will this nomad survive, when the tides have him so scattered, spread apart the surface of this earth, like a wannabe canvas, except this life isn't the one of my painting, just the one for my trying, that He might raise me as something more completed and ready to begin his composing and comprising, of prose and artistry and laughter and joy and exultation worthy of Eternity as an abode i'll always be chasing after. some moments this life drains me down to my barest of pieces, like a stone the world etches its imprint on, marking me for its own, but trying to resist i remain, sanding away some surfaces so what i am is truly mine, not reflective of a world incomparable to Forever. 

yeah, Then still in back of the mind, and sometimes the front too, even if such wonderful, ecstatic expressions may escape your memories, rest assured they're well-preserved in the Red of my veins, waiting for the Day of their release. what i would have given, to hear your voice alongside those guitar strings being plucked, how that would have formed its own wave around my soul, another treasure tucked away in a bottle this life can never rip away even if my bones turned to dust.

alhamdulillah, firmament is lit as ever, even if my eyes closed, its beauty only gets better.

of Focus and Energies

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

if those eyes were any brighter or warmer, they'd be a pair of suns, twinned of course, piercing my soul, seemingly in return for the taste of wonder you've already shown me, the booty of a lifetime this rebel pirate could never steal but hope is granted him in perpetuity Forever. stay safe, oh anchor to my Heaven, this life will always be chain but you are one of its levers, a fulcrum for the fortunate, to push me higher up the mountain of tests, with meaning beyond all my expression, how could i encompass a twin, when all i've written does not even justice to one of my beacons? by His permission and everything He's sown inside the flesh that holds me within, you're never lost, always found, the morning dew of a sunrise we'll wait for as long as He wills to measure. one of my lighter wishes, to breathe you in, wrapped in your curls and waves, color the same or it changes, as your choosing, and as i shine, it's from the mirror's light we're bathing in.

Alhamdulilllah for such treasure, not yet held, but chased after for Ever.

a moment Momentous

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

There are some rare moments in life, where what happens has to be recorded for the record, for future reflection. Such moments are to be treasured, for all the mix of emotions they capture.

 

So yesterday, my Gift spoke to me of myself, describing me in a way that showed, at long last it seems, how she'd received the broadcasting of the soul I've been doing since the day we met. One of the phrases she used, "you are love." Mmm, alhamdulillah...imagine telling an idealist/dreamer/lover that he has, in fact, been able to manifest some piece of the beautiful objective he chases. This is...pretty cool mA. And the other piece, perhaps a tidbit to firmly tie together our paths in this life, "I will never find anyone better than you" 😊 aha! Not much for me to add, except that I ask my Rabb to make these statements truer than even my Gift can know, for ever and always, ameen.

She knows my goal, the overall canvas of my aims, with some strokes broad and some strokes fine, and accepted she has, that all I am is chasing this goal. If my Rabb decided, Allah forbid, to strip me of everything in this life, it would be fine so long as He did not take away from me my penultimate dream. But, there's no question in my mind that I've only been able to make it as far as I have, more or less intact, because of all the blessings and mercies He's gently rained on me since before I was old enough to know. If it is ever my choice, I would never seek to be deprived of all He gives. There is much that happens in life to reinforce the knowledge to a slave that he is a slave...but when it comes to acknowledgement of slavehood being only to Allah...then this is where the notion loses all connotation of negativity, but rather gets instilled with the strongest, deepest sense of rightness that could possibly be. But yeah, bit of a sidetrack there. What can I say though, a moment comes in this life that I did not think I would ever be able to relish here, thinking that my akhirah would be the first place for such fruition to manifest. Alhamdulillah, always. The trials will not cease, prayers pull on me to make them, and in the back of the mind, the soft, recurrent echoes of my Tomorrow call me to them...oh Rabb, join us Then, ameen.

this is a Gift?

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

jokingly she says, "I don't need your love", but she's already got it, coming on a train heading one way, one direction, forward, the Future, that cake still waiting, baking to perfection, but this layer, this Gift from lands previously unknown...she's my ghost, I'm her halloween, put together for this life's endless series of tests, she haunts my town (of possibilities) while i'm marked on her calendar (of ambitions), such interestingly strange a combination of opposites juxtaposed and challenged to mesh and hold onto His rope, while the ocean shudders at times in joy and at times in agonies unabated. 

~

so much for one to learn, could have almost wished to stay ignorant, be blissfully absent the knowledge of consequences, but i cannot, i must not. the only road i have, the only road i seek, the one that gives me a chance at Eternity, embraced by my beloved, needing me as i need them, vanishing the notions of 'give and take', as we dissolve into the ocean we wish no return from. oh Allah, Rabb of my existence and my everything, take care of the beautiful shining lights in my sky You brought to my vision, preserve them whole, let us know both peace in this life, alongside serenity and ecstasy everlasting, ameen.

living, onwards, till Then iA.

for freer winds

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 even absent leaves, my birds still come around, even when it's freezing, taking in their seeds. wish so often i could join them, grow wings rather than legs, let the sky be my playground instead of earth which keeps me grounded. this world and its affairs, so much for which to take care...only seem to pile up higher, the price of a path chosen, overcoming being alone, even if not quite complete while inside of 'together'. parts of me i cannot yet share, like my Moon once wrote, topics that cannot be delved, remaining beneath the surface, when ones near have not yet become the miners, sharing with us our treasure. oh God, were that i lived as bird, even if my aim became shallow as a branch, or nest, or leaf, the wind would then be my ally, and not merely passing breeze. the very nature of atmosphere would aid in giving lift, should any spot no longer be as welcoming, i'd simply open wings and find one that is.

i know the fate of this life, its purpose and its essence, but it is so dry a wafer, sometimes catching in my throat, and i rather not swallow all its price, of existing, but also of reaching for my Garden in earnest. where are the echoes of my beloved, who might know all my speech? even if their selves i cannot hold and inside their arms i cannot be held, i might wish to savor their reflections, and know this journey as one less restricting. but the cost...i know the cost is distance, and waiting, and trying ever onward, even in moments when all my self seems dissipating. 

forgive me ya Rabb. sometimes what tries to glitter, i can't give even the merest recognition that it might be gold (like, the dunya).

2020

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

SubhanaAllah, what a year. In it, some of my hardest moments and some of my most cherished memories. Without a doubt, it surpasses in trial and magnitude of unforgettableness any other time I've known. How would I summarize it? Not sure, but for awhile, there were two particular blessings my Rabb allowed me to have for my hardest trial. For much of the first half of 2020, He permitted my Moon to shine brighter than ever, granting me a vision of Tomorrow to help sustain my journey. But He was not finished with what He'd have me see: for much of the middle and latter half of the year, He allowed me to know again my Twin, strengthening and brightening my ultimate goal into shades I did not know light could possess. 

If two such gifts were not enough, finally, at long last after months and months of wait, He permitted my Gift to arrive in the States and be embraced. To be sure, chemo and relative solitude and distance from beloved all combined together as a hellish experience. But the khair and reinforcement of goodness and resolve...well worth the price. Alhamdulillah for always, but especially in a time like that, to not be bereft of hope for too long, to be able to be reminded in ways that both reflect the best of me and also inspire me to be better than I am. 

I would not give up my chase of Firdaus and my beacons no matter what He would have me face, and I have already committed to Him all that I am. What remains is to fulfill my covenant to my Rabb as often and best as I can, and keep well the ties of family and responsibility He would try me with. 

 There are many, many things felt but unsaid and unwritten of my beacons. My Gift slowly enters the deeper layers of the ocean, and I'm realizing the care I have to take when integrating my beloved in myself, as yet they know not much of one another and this dunya is what it is, though I am what I am too.

 A few of the thoughts that sprung to mind of late:

Lunar reflections - Being blocked sucks. But bi ithniAllah I think there is khair in this too, for the safety and focus of all.  My wish vis-à-vis my Moon is the same as ever, wanting to know how her orbit fares. As usual, my Rabb determines when this can be known and when it cannot. InshaAllah little dude is getting bigger and healthier with his sibling, and especially health for parents too. Though my ability to be close He has chosen to limit for now, never forget that my dua is behind you always iA.

Gemini echoes - Oh Twin. Alhamdulillah for you, and for waiting until the moment He permits me to hear from you again.  

 

~

 

All in all, I think what I have after the past year is more reasons for gratitude to my Creator and resilience towards my aim. I'd call that a win, alhamdulillah.