بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Flight is tonight, inshaAllah the road gets a bit easier while not having to be in a state of apartness. I've found it pretty amazing to have both a short-term and long-term vision. I think either one is incomplete without the other, for this life still has to be lived as decently as we can so long as we live in it - but also having a particular aim for the long run is so essential to mental and emotion wellbeing. Dunya brings enough challenges that having a goal outside of it, a goal that surpasses it, a goal that encompasses it, can never be overlooked. 

Much of the reason I am who I am and I seek what I seek, has its origin traced back to my Moon.  A certain development and mutuality of these two kinds of souls leads only to one place: the hope for an eventual reunification and confirmation of what we'd known before, iA. 

I figure the time in-between should be interesting enough. Hopefully just in the right ways t_t

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One day, when we've both risen and found our place, I'm gonna sing every piece I ever wrote, give some vocal eloquence to those words that you evoked, let you know and feel and hear, all my sounds pour out of the soul, into the only vessel of their worth that He let me keep near. All this life is but a series of broken syllables, attempts at rhyme or evocation of feeling when surrounded by the material, but when it comes to you there's no barriers or distances, just two stars wanting to reach together their peak supernoval release of emotion. The need is great, I know, the want to hold starlight now, and close our eyes to the rest of what the universe tries to pass along as 'shine', but some beauty, this one among all the beauty that ever existed, worth the bit of wait so I can fashion all of your visions wrapped with my imagination, into a journey of breathlessness topped with ecstasy from every direction. ~~ GapBody line, indeed, smooth as silk perhaps, but couldn't be outdone by your touch I bet, like a thread of cloth pulled slowly back, therein is the subtly waiting flesh, ahh, yes! Only the finest of milk and honey to pour over my Cookie Monster laden sweetly with layers of delicacies, so many wonders, waiting patiently across the surfaces and hills of your contours, beckoning fingers to come and show them the finest of thrills. Indeed, indeed, many rivers await the conclusion of my fate, and may He make worth it all the taste, ameen. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Heading back across the pond to visit the Gift in a week or so iA, it's been some time since I've been able to feel that connection. As other difficulties and challenges pile up, I find myself dissipated, more of a shell than substance. Couldn't say if disappointment lies in wait or not, but gotta risk it nonetheless. 

Primarily my undercurrent these days is losing touch with Him and not really caring for it to be any different. Maybe it comes after being faced with a test, where the body fights itself, while trying to breathe it's as if death instead is being called, and it appeared that my present fate was undecided as to whether breathing is meant to keep one living or to bring one's demise. All I could ask for was clarity, for Him to not put me into a trial that had me in a state of ridiculously-inconceivable in-between. But He kept me in it for awhile, and I tried various meds and after various sleepless nights out of the past few weeks, the physical affliction seems to have ran its course (alh I suppose).

I haven't any gratitude for this. Even asking for life, most of that time felt like I wasn't living, and death was never granted, so aside from the pain of those moments, I have nothing for the experience except an ever-widening distance from my Maker. 

When one notices how often random little things go contrary to the self, through the course of a day, or week, (or lifetime), and adds them up...it's simply an immense amount of cynicism. So many paradoxes found, so many knife wounds dealt through the course of existence, the tally is such that I long for nothing except simply to survive the course. How will He plan the next challenge I face? Frankly cannot say I care. As it is, it would be semi-miraculous for me to pull through these intermediate states intact, and that probably is enough for keeping focus.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

subhaaaanaAllah, that is the most beautiful pic I've ever seen 😄

edit, 1/22/20: and to replace that with one of cutest pics ever? sigh, wish I was there to pinch her cheeks and give her a huge hug. just when I think I've understood the beauty of my beloved...smh....mA

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if every step i take was just so that i could see your face (in Firdaus), it'd make me an angel without disguise, a mortal clothed as saint, but i'm human through and through so sin is part of my fate, sometimes i can go forward and sometimes back, some moments i can see Tomorrow but then eyes fail me and so i relapse. this is how He turned you into something for me to chase, that i have to struggle to find khair, even when my tank is empty and the canvas i try to paint on appears blank, like i'm stuck in some demon's lair. it's strange, i know the high road, have walked it on occasion, have breathed its rarefied air, and thought myself an old soul antiquated in a time he'd never belong in, living and breathing but somehow still finding dessication. heart's been relatively silent, nafs finds its presence easily enough as blood flows through oxygenation, but what of my soul? what can i speak of it? sometimes it's as if i lost it during some period of catharsis, when i wasn't looking i subconsciously let it go because i knew what life would put it through. alas, perhaps this is simply overstatement, not quite as bad as i make it, but i know your visage is something that i truly miss, even as every so often i remind myself why i chose this road, just to find you at its end, iA. my intermediate states don't really matter, those moments they'll scatter like the wind after the snow's finished falling, worries melt into what tomorrows hold as new problems or temporary respite. so long as you can smile and laugh in earnest, move through life knowing you're always loved, find time to pray and give back to charitable causes, be kind to your parents like you've always wanted, then Tomorrow becomes something that's essentially a promise, with just one Door between me and those arms I belong in.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no Mirror, no reflection, absent I become from so much of what is brightness, wish I was a dolphin, echolocate your presence, even if eyes were closed, I’d know precisely where and how your heart was beating. I know the importance of silence, a modicum of distance, thus able to keep focus, and not lose sight of the road in the bigger picture. you’ve always been wiser than you know, understanding to complement the beauty, little things kept notice, for in them happiness distilled from memory. Sometimes I try to build on this, paint scenes from places of Then, but so much remains a blank slate, for I can’t quite see past the moment when we've embraced. You've always been the ink of my brush, my Muse, my Moon, glowing as bright as her truth, given life to color with that first touch, a meeting of mirrors where I get to show you Love, iA. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so for the past few days, maybe most of the week, often times when I'm driving home, or otherwise walking unoccupied, simple stray thoughts came to mind, like a litter of cats looking for refuge, from the deluge outside.

most of these, I simply echo their meows, but I don't write down what was said, leaving their meaning to float into the wind, free like the moment they arrived. a few were conversations with Him, things that could not be repeated, my commentary on the irony, so often it's present, my finger on its throat makes it palpable, yet no easier the breathing. 

like an audio record without inscription, a vase without flowers, a galaxy without planets, a kettle without water, an earth without core,  a hurricane without eye, all of these in essence a traveler with a destination he cannot find. limbs moving but the soul is obliterated, heart emaciated, skeleton is clothed but the flesh bearing marks of everything his inner is absent from. I know He may choose to cover me with everything from this life, but that won't make any less than the choice that is mine, seeking beyond these limits at the end of my time, that one Moon to complete what is the puzzle, so one might at last be near to that which shines.

 

Endlessly

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gotta say alhamdulillah, even if it hurts, no other way to find the silver lining, and unzip it slowly to see what's behind the curtain, perhaps something to caress, and kiss starting with the surface: in this meshes a need from now with a Future unmet. wish i could delineate all the possibilities, or even a fraction, expressions of love manifested in a pair who waited a lifetime for an Eternity of having. no barriers, no distance, no gravity to hold our feet down, unless we so willed it, imagine those wings, the sky at our fingertips, for those who chose forever, these would be just the start of His gifts. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, got an extra hour (woot) and figured out part of my Python assignment. Life progressions coming even despite some wavering of the self. Something that's been on the mind on/off lately about my connection to my Rabb:

When I'm nearer to Him, I can't imagine ever being distant. When I'm farther away, I feel I can't sustain ever being near again.

Being close, comes with the knowledge of having one's needs taken care of, being able to appreciate that which one does not have, of being grateful daily, of knowing my Guardian has final sway over all matters.

Being apart, it is as if I am the only person in the human race who is adrift on an ocean I could never control, whether it be the heart, or the external tumult of life that tries to impose itself.

The price of nearness is not something that can be understated. Wanting to stick with one's Rabb, in contrast to every other force in life that's either trying to delude or grab attention, is not an easy pill. Interestingly, though I've thought I would swallow it, the self still rebels at times and all that's left is the skeletal phenomenon where bodily movement of living and worship happens, without an anchor into the meaning and need for such things. 

Ultimately though, if a person can see their blessings, there's nothing quite like this connection to Allah. Rabb is gonna be Rabb, at the start of the day and its end, through darknesses and light, He's the first one to seek.

 

Picturesque

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wow..subhanAllah...that sky, that scenery, utterly gorgeous. 

the setting reminds me a bit of something from last September, a reply to a piece about feeling like you'd passed through an area without having left any mark. i dunno about that, because if i had to guess, i see myself as these trees, simple pure natural shades of fall and greenery - able to be so primarily because their sky (you) gave its rain and decided to be so fulfilling and beautiful. which leaf wouldn't love to be underneath such a canopy? 

not to mention, seeing this made me happy. lol, granted, anything remotely from the same time zone as yours could have the same effect, but there's a certain undertone that isn't lost on me. maybe i'm just predisposed to connecting a lot of dots, but really, every connection my neurons make is already shaded to some degree by the Moon and that which brings people together. that's pretty special to have, at any time in life, alhamdulillah.

edit: link updated, pointed to wrong post xd 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

how i love the clouds and the rain, even if it's gray, love it too when the sun's out and shining, turning brightness into something tangible, open and abiding, at least for that moment. my journey through this life is like the trek of the seasons, across the surface of the earth, whether over sand or desert or ocean, it leaves its imprints on my being, this passage of time and all it beckons and denies of needs and whims, sometimes feeling lost, at others a bit frozen, echoes of beauty reach me like fall with its leaves, such color and change, trying to remind that nothing stays quite the same, but here i am, to such laws of nature a walking contradiction, though remaining not static, i try preserving what's 'me' through all the thick and thin. love and you, an effortless combination, as yet a pair only imagined of time in which i can hold them, this road it has its mimicry and attempts at simulation, but i wouldn't compare them with an ideal manifested long before reality could try its fangs at setting in. 

i oft speak of prices and whom must them be giving, namely myself, thinking a foregone conclusion that i would pay them, whether or not i was able, even if such cost would steal sanity and empty pockets of everything except that which puts some in asylums. will my strength suffice? could i again survive, the epochs of apartness, filling the distance between you and i? am i able to give to my Gift, for so long as i live, regardless if nothing of compare i find? questions i cannot answer, residing somewhere in the mind, these neighbors mine, as part of faith it's said, to be towards such at least as kind. 

i have not spoken of my Rabb, have not yet here sought His aid, it's been some time, since disillusion struck, and from Him i felt parted a bit of ways.  as i am now is scarce a shell, to what "i" can truly hold, so much i know is there to be felt, when one has cause for feeling whole. i also know, He will test my belief, that it will be more than a thing simply said, that somehow action must follow words, or have proven hollow all that is my being. for now, i endure the absence, stroll alongside this worldly path and its worldly essence, working and reading, forging an image of a body complete with flesh and bone, but of its inner few can tell how shallow rings its meaning. 

Lighthouse

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no way I could miss the lighthouse by the sea, unintended or skillfully planned, still it's the spark to remind me of what I am, and what it is I seek. last night, had this amazing dream, in a room at the top floor of my old house, we're in each other's arms, a sense of "finally!" going through our veins, buzzing in the air, some of our closest friends are nearby, surprised and smiling, seeing something I bet they never saw coming. this life isn't even my prologue, much less my opening chapter, I swear by my Maker, if He gives me His blessing, and opens the door of my own Theater, I'll show you what you've always loved but never imagined, fill your heart till it reaches the size of the heavens, kiss your lips until red seems the color they were born as, and take your breath away until all we can feel is one another, effortlessly floating, around the corner to our next chapter, waiting. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish i had thoughts worthy of being read, worthy of your eyes, and something not quite as empty occupied this space, so something brighter could ease your mind. can't tell how many ribbons this life will cut me into, even as days appear on the surface not so bad, the apartness is a silent blade, long spinning inside, the pieces i'm into, numerous, uncountable, like all the salt in an ocean, dissolved and with blood mixed in, nearly to the point fate intends that to be my solution. happiness escapes my clutches like a bird's broken wing prevents its flight from predators and dangers, on one hand is the lure of the devil, waiting to tear down my shell, and lately on the other, simply quiet or sleep. Rabb, would You not simply permit the bird to fly? fix it's way or let it glide, maybe give it a gust of wind so all its worry may be left behind?

there's something hopeful somewhere, reasons for gratitude and shukr, but me too blind to see or dense to hear. the ironies of what qadr demands of me, the strangest, strongest weights i've ever known, only growing heavier with time, and what of i? these joints, these knees, these shoulders and muscles in between, won't grow stronger as i age, so seems the earth is rushing towards me faster than i'll lift from it, pulling me sooner than later to peace. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not all the birdies left, there is one that stayed, a cardinal so regal and red, imagine that, one bird overcomes the absence of all the rest. 

that which is Owned

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not much for me to say, His are the clouds, the rain, whether or not i subsist, or simply evaporate. He may take away from my conception, every notion i've ever had of family or friends, trifle disappointments snowballing into an avalanche of agonizing ignorance. i did not think, He would do such a thing, but it's like i'm unknown even to my closest of kin, even after decades plus, like no connection of mine, safe from decay or mistaken trust. Rabb, what would you have of me? these states in times of late, withered tree without what it sustains, nothing for me to give, except if You wish my flesh and bones still, to move in form of worship. i have conceived in the mind things i dare not speak, anguished, petulant, aggrieved, looking for the closest cliff, but holding back because You own my every thing. i could say that You took away my heart, not once but twice (or thrice, who keeps count?), ripped straight from the cavity, reminding me what i miss, but keeping it an orbit's length away from me. i could say that i am one most betrayed, disillusioned by every one of life's illusion, promising it holds what i seek but when i get close, it fades before my hands can grasp what i need. in times past would i close all doors, strain all ties, stay from life, apart and deprived, but i cannot...obligation and responsibilities, a pillar of form absent essence in moments like these, this skeleton will keep on its moving, on and on, until it finds its peace.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes just have to write, maybe a sunset or sunrise, pick a picture, let the brush find its canvas, bring out what's inside. every epic needs an aim, a maiden or madness, maybe both, to fuel the destiny of a planet so its Moon stays perfect in orbit, until their End arrives, to make whole those who walked through cataclysm. the unknowns i face, for love, for everything worthy of chase, worth the blood it lets, worth the lifetime of wait, without guarantees, His is the game, me simply a piece, like any king on a board, looking for the mate to call my Queen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes it's nice to think of isolating one's pain from others, in thinking perhaps they'll be spared the same feeling. I don't know if that's how real life ever works though. Since the fam went overseas, much of the past few weeks has become something I could never relate, something I've kept to myself.

Regardless, it seems the only choice my Rabb gave me is to continue going, keep breathing, not let up each and every day. At other times I would think of how to be a beacon, and then the curiosity strikes where I realize that light itself is farthest from me, with little for me to reflect. This is not entirely a darkness, but more of a prolonged absence, which eventually may as well be thought of in the same way I suppose. Work is work, classes resume in a few weeks, and love...is thousands of miles away, in one direction or another..

an Absolute for the slave

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Lately, had some heavy thoughts on the mind, trying to encompass (and possibly accept) an ultimate future vastly different than the one I seek. Why would I put myself through such a seemingly-futile and difficult exercise? It's simple. I've always tried to see as much as I can, regardless if it agreed with me or not. There's no way for me to grow in perspective and understanding, unless, every so often, I try to see the "worst case scenario" (heh) and overcome it mentally/emotionally. At first I thought I could live through an ultimate future where one particular wish of mine was absent...

..turns out I was wrong. Considerable introspection and understanding my nature makes it an impossibility. I can't allow (insomuch as my "control" is a factor) myself or my aim to fall short of anything less than completing the orbit towards my Moon until it lands gently into my hands and Eternity becomes something we taste together. Absent this, there is no afterlife, no akhirah for me worth being in.

While the Fire is always something that must be feared and avoided for obvious reasons, one has to consider what makes the Garden so amazing. For sure, it is the innumerable gifts my Rabb prepared for the ones He permitted, but I have to contend that the only span of time where one can be truly happy is one surrounded by worthwhile company. Who wants solitude when all the battles are won? Who needs solitude for reflection when the sheer purpose of existing becomes enjoyment itself? The good times, they're only gonna be when we're in the company of those that matter most, in Jannah itself.

There's no Firdaus I could be content in without her, no gate of the Garden I would pass through without holding her hand. I know well how precious little I control, so defining this Absolute line (for myself) in the sand is a tentative matter for the slave, when he knows the matter is completely up to Allah. But ya Rabb, I have to do this. For all the other gifts I could aim for, my Moon is utterly suited to this slave of yours, like nothing else. Of every person I have ever known, she is the only who inspired me to reach towards Firdaus Al-A'la. No one else is even close in this. If I even remotely consider any vision of Tomorrow as one without her....my will evaporates. 

Therefore my aim has to always be what it's been, with Your permission. I'll never be a deserving one, who earned of his own merit the kind of reward he sought. But the effort and intent of reaching towards it, require my Moon to always be a part of my raison d'être, if only to restore that missing organ and be able to smile and laugh like only then I could. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah got to talk with my Gift yesterday, and so I was reminded of how this road is going to be, what it takes of good provision to survive the journey. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

it's strange to have patience as one's only companion, one that i cannot abide, yet is the only one i could possibly have close to me these days. i have asked my Rabb questions to which i know the answer. "how much of me is enough? what more do You wish?"...and knowing the reply would be, Everything, but what if one had nothing left innately? of what worth would be deeds when they are simply physical representations of skeletal movement, unable to drawn on anything from the unseen? i can see something of tomorrow, now, and a bit more of Tomorrow, then, but my distance between either short- or long-term futures appears inexpressibly vast when one has no fuel in the present. my Rabb, what can i say? would You choose an end for me sooner, far sooner than later? i would be most grateful for this, to be unstitched from this mortal coil so i need not contradict it any longer. let my designs in Your plan be fulfilled already, the small seeds of fate i tried to plant towards something decent find root, and let me be, from it all. eventually, if i am kept here, i will have to circle back around to submission once again. i suppose that might be pleasing to You. alas, always the slave pays the price for his own decisions and inabilities, and the length of fate's rope that remains tied to him. freedom, delicious, unbound, unfettered, untainted, freedom. some day, perhaps?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

from 9/18, finished 9/25

If you ever wonder what makes me tick, or where my vision was borne, don’t have to look very far, just find a mirror, and there’s the nomad’s shore. I can picture you now, head in your hands, smiling a gaze, across a table or couch, before your gravity pulls me close and so I pick you up from your place, carry you in my arms to the edge of clouds atop the highest of Heavens, and savor in your eyes the blossom of joy and exultation.

Thus would my heart be manifest, brought to life, possible only with all He gave of His forgiveness. Much of wonder have I saved, still more to plan, for how to make you breathless, not wishing to stand, rather laying back, utterly relaxed, soaking in love, this is how Eternity begins: the spark and its flame forever lit.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

my birdies, where have you gone? used to see you in the backyard, chirping and swooping, but now the air is still, less colorful, the ambiance a bit withdrawn. even had the bird seed ready, but seems it wasn't lure enough to see year-round your feathers and beaks, pecking the ground and the feed, the simple pleasures of life, now absent, until spring rolls around in time. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

can't ever stop writing, may as well ask me to stop breathing, something always trying to escape from inside, maybe reach she who carries so much meaning. walk your path my Moon, take the steps you need to take, to be steady and safe, sometimes think i need to hold back, refrain from feeling, or else absence becomes the assassin in daylight, an enemy i can't alone defeat. i know my Rabb is near, though human i utterly remain, never far from longing for company similar and resonating, the most worthwhile pursuit kept from its pursuer due to the test of fate. maybe when my Gift arrives, and I can open and touch what's inside, then this loneliness retreats, an unwanted, uninvited mistress who's seemingly lifelong been chasing after me. i've fathomed and foreseen a number of futures, both painful and painless, never certain how the road will straighten ahead, but basking in Moonlight is the endgame, the sum of a life lived seeking fulfillment, whole and untamed. 

Doorway

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

you’re the door to my ocean, whenever it’s opened, i learn where i’ve been, so i can chart where i'm going, for so long just exploring, wishing and hoping, to meet another sea that might meld with mine, mixing the fresh with the brine, warmer waters with cooler climes, until your chase captured my eyes, and there it was: the one i’d seek to hold for all of time. have no regrets, would make no changes, every experience an arrow pointing me to this moment, a goal, a singular ambition, growing around it the most noble of things, all waiting above, but at my essence, simply trying to unite Eternity with Love.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

inescapably starcrossed

fingertips i've never touched, skin i've never tickled or traced, lips i've never kissed, a softness i can only imagine, these physical dimensions, capturing the flip side of a coin, on which the souls have long rested. i looked at all of life, and all of death, looked at the future and the past, at all i could earn or all that i could grasp, there was just one thing i found equal the trade, worthy to have: you. 

nothing else here has ever been or ever will be close to what that means, which is why you're encased inside of my Firdaus. every part of this road, a microcosm of it is a price I pay for the chance to find something totally out of my league. i've lived longer than i'd wished to, but it is what He wills it to be, keeping me going regardless. this life and its monotones, not quite my flavor. but there is a rainbow's end I seek, where i'd love to find those Lucky Charms waiting for me :) iA


[random note: maybe my favorite part of this piece is in the last line, how the cursive k leans into the y, when the two letters seem nearly ready to embrace...so perfect.]

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I'll be your repository, of memories your record keeper, if things ever fade a bit, or look a little bleaker, simply find its record, inscribed on my soul, just like the day you left those imprints there. Every breadcrumb left, whether sunflower or squirrel relishing its scent, from time to time, I'll try to conjure something more of my painting, wherein is the road paved with ease, shaded by happiness. 

Residences

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

home of the heart ain't in my chest, it's somewhere else, hiding just beyond this life, tucked safe inside your breast. doesn't matter how long it you've kept, some things simply need their growth, while journeying outside themselves. these truths not for the faint of heart, as oft love can be intense, especially for those whom longing is a well-known friend. home of the nafs, found I think it has, within my Gift, a blessing for life and sustenance, an afterglow of love, borne as purity of lust, relishing what we might receive, a key to keeping balance and trust.

alhamdulillah, always

 بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the underlying reasons I have for persisting with my choice is so that my Moon never faces another moment of darkness for so long as she lives [and beyond, but that's always been a given]. Trying, difficult times will happen, no doubt, but there is certain kind of pain/agony/despair that is unique to darkness, wherein it tries to cloud all light and hope. InshaAllah that will never be the case for either of us again.

Of the qualities of a beacon is that a certain frequency keeps emanating, regularly, with constancy.  There is no further aloneness, no further absence of fuel for the heart to look forward to, as I myself would have to be ok so that I have a chance of reflecting something of worth for my Moon to remain shining. Ultimately, your smile, lasting, comfortable, at peace, of eyes and lips both, that is among what I seek. I don't need to be the final victor of your hand, (though I'd absolutely love that to be so), so long as your sakinah was complete and everlasting howsoever my Rabb wills you to find it. Something so incredible cannot be coveted, but simply sought from Allah as a gift that's entirely His to give. I have a hunch my duas may help shape this destiny, but a slave can never presume to know for certain what his end will be. Thus I've left it to Him, as the most precious of treasure to keep in wait for me, iA.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, finally got home and nice surprise ^^

That last emoji, that smiling face, it belongs on you, always. It wouldn't matter what stuff I'd have to go through, but that you were able to feel like that after it, totally worth whatever it took.

I'm looking forward to the road ahead, perhaps more so than I ever have in my history. Of course, in all the arcs of my life, you're somewhere near the center of them all. I've been orbiting a helluva long time, I know, and there's still the matter of some decades and a certain Judgment Day to get through, but I'm utterly satisfied and fulfilled and happy with choosing Eternity as the date for when our celestial bodies meet. I know it pleases my Rabb for me to do so, it pleases my heart, my nafs, my ruh, all of it. Just contentment all around. That He would choose for me what I could love to have chosen for myself, there's no more beautiful a feeling than that. All it takes is for me to wait, to have a little bit of sabr with the little bit of time I have, and my expectation from Him reaches incalculable levels. Khair brings about khair, and it seems like there's nothing in my life Allah hasn't made khair for me, in one way or another. 

Whether you know it or not, you're a part of this just as much as I am. Our fates are intertwined, and history does not change, destiny is always waiting around the corner. So part of my purpose, part of my existence is tied in with being your beacon, regardless of how the tides turn in this life, no matter how many whispers or doubts might come, my role doesn't become any less, perhaps it only grows, into what He would have me be.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

long as you're living, or even if you pass away, the light of your being, simply could not fade, as within my eyes, is always where it remains.

even if this mortal life, kept me from your smile, kept me from your laugh, i need but recall its sight, its sound, so whole again i am.

perhaps in this moment am i complete, with my Future and present alike, softly waiting and in peace, the journey forward, but with Him to keep. 

~~~

listening to your heart beat, silent as the snow falls, before it melts on the possibilities, if life seems full of potential, imagine what Tomorrow holds, as you unwrap my dreams. didn't need any words, you captured all our meaning,"idealists, dreamers, and lovers", as if a decade apart was simply nothing. you get it, you felt it, you know this, so worth the wait, to reap Eternity from purpose.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I've never had a case against my Rabb, no reason for complaint. Simply I found an abundance of blessings, stretching out across my existence, in ways subtle and obvious. There's no real way to convey this to anyone, but to describe the sense of security and encompassed protection/guidance. For the inner aspect, there is the preservation of fitrah, the firmly-established desire for khair and ideals, the eventual cognition of how to (try and) balance reality with what I have to be/give. For the outer aspect, there is preservation from extreme need, for having food/shelter/clothing/etc consistently taken care of, the presence of family I could love and respect and continually take immense lessons from throughout my life, the anchors of a handful of friends worthy in having something for me to emulate as well as reinforcing and counteracting my nature whenever it was necessary, of never having to be in a position of desperation, of having my biggest obstacles be those in my self instead of always outside of me. 

The reasons for gratitude, I can never run out of. Some moments come, passing by like darkened clouds, threatening a storm but never truly being a threat. In those times, it feels as if the fight is against everything, that I haven't enough in me to continue, that I lack the ones whom I love to give the emotional buffer that means so much...but that is just how it appears, never how it really is. The love from all my beloved reaches me, not least of all, His care and affection. I could not say if I can claim such a thing, but there is no other deduction left for me to draw with everything He's shown and given and permitted me to have. The most cynical part of me has sometimes wondered if perhaps the test did not run so deep, that He might show and give of His fadl and mercy so much, only to perhaps take it back some day. The truth is, all I have, all I've ever known, it's belonged always to Allah. If He should wish to rescind, it's always been His to do with as He pleased. But I will never cease (iA) to hope and ask that He keep on giving, and being to me as He always has, as all I have ever known of Him.  

Question's Answer

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

like you? no other

i know there's no competition, not from any person living, how deep and far goes the resonance, like how letters sit together, side by side to make a sentence, something otherworldly in its essence, why i chase your hand through life and death and resurrection, so we might taste completion at its fullest. 

every part of you, every part for which i wait, already beautified to me, so no worry how it appears, never gross, never out of place or out of fear, never hurried, never rushed, time aplenty, for your Crown to fit like glove.

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Thundershowers just came through, got to soak in the rain a bit for the first time in awhile, man I missed that. And then, the craziest streak of lightning: every few seconds, for like 10-20 minutes straight, the sky is lit up incessantly with strikes turning night to day. Seems like many of the bolts struck from cloud to cloud, and the ones to hit the ground were..spectacular, forceful, sky-splitting, humbling. SubhanaAllah it was beautiful, reminiscent of Judgment Day somehow. 

Ya Rabb, envelop us in Your rehmah, always and forever, ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, the past few weeks have been pretty special. The sense of harmony I noted before, still is there, though I've had my own oscillations a bit, the ability to have in balance my two spheres of dunya and akhirah...priceless. 

It seems like we're only promised more challenges ahead, whether in ourselves or from life itself, but the goal is the same, the method of approach, unchanged. For the now, we give whatever needs to be given, in whatever capacity we're able. Perfection is a beautiful goal, but it's found at the end of this journey (iA), not in the middle of it. 

A number of times I've wanted to write something lately, and it doesn't quite find form. I have a feeling it's because the serenity my words would aim to seek, we already know, alhamdulillah.  

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

written a few days before, 8/14:

Just like before, just like ever, just a few moments without words from you, and I swear everything is a bit less brighter. The blessing He gave, to let me know my heart still beats, even though it’s not in my chest, but a thing I still need, time-encapsulated and saved, kept out of my reach, because if it were in my grasp, I don’t think I can stand apart, while still trying to breathe. I look at the rest of my existence, wondering where the color drains, and find it in the palm of your hand, made of my own DNA. But you know, I have to be good with these lesser shades, can’t be brought down by what isn’t the same, even as a thought from you, lifts me up, a reminder towards everything I chase. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

oh Rabb, long has this road been, longer still it promises to be, one thing I ask, just one thing for me:

keep her always close to You, never let her flounder, never let her down, lift up her heart, when all it wants to do is drown, tend her like a flower, so she may bloom, through every season sound.

more would i add, but prayer calls to me, deeds i must put in place, to have a chance at Then, coming into being.  

Inevitability

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

So, so true. Though, you always knew me, before we ever met, before we even walked on this earth. From the moment He made us and intertwined our destinies, that was it, all it took, and the groundwork was laid. I wouldn't mind being your fruit, even if that was the only thing I got to take/achieve from life, that would be precisely everything from here that matters.

Alhamdulillah for all of it, for every happiness and pain, for every longing unmet and every longing He hid away from us, so we might chase it in the best of all places. No mortal can take from me what this is, what it means, even if, Allah forbid, I never got to hear your voice again, wouldn't change a thing. These past few days, with the kind of harmony my Rabb permitted me...can't even describe it. It's maybe more complete than last summer, excepting Hajj - a core central event of my existence that allows all the smaller pieces to find their focus, but imagine that: every year I, we, get to experience something slightly (or immensely) more amazing than the year before? Now THAT, that is pretty special. iA. 

This dunya can't touch, can't own, can't hold you. Don't ever let it fool you into thinking it matters enough for you to be sad about anything you didn't find in it. It doesn't. This life, in its entirety, is absolutely nothing more than a means to an End. We build up good deeds and decent intents and try to manage the rest of what we go thru as best we can, before death approaches us. Nothing more or less. And me? I'm nothing more than a signpost, something to let you know there is a place waiting for you, that you don't know of yet, but that is where you belong, that is what your soul craves. All of this, just me trying to paint the pieces of the puzzle. Sooner, or later, iA.

Serene

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

If I write about the times where things seem hardest, it's only fair to mention the days where things come together in small, amazing ways, from every possible place.

Alhamdulillah, first and always. I can't say such a time was deserved, but truthfully, I don't think I've ever experienced something quite like it before. My Gift was not only doing really good, but also she seemed to grasp something of what is precious to me, and that is irreplaceable. My Mirror found her shine again after a trying moment, and the gleam of happiness emanating from her...it's like, that is why I live, to help my beloved find as many such moments as possible. Family is similarly on a good note as of late alh.

This observation of total harmony in one's world is...rare, to say the least. But I note that there was one particular mental approach I had before it began: to not stress out others and not be overly stressed by them. Expectations, I think these I need to allow to develop naturally instead of based on my cognition. Whatever I find from people, of good then alhamdulillah, and anything other than that, then I let that pass and do not take more from it than can be helped. It isn't easy to balance concern for people and the limits of what can be done or asked from them, but sometimes, in some days, alhamdulillah the flow is simply self-sustaining with whatever He puts in place. 

There's much to make one sober in life, one's mistakes, shortsightedness, ignorance, misunderstanding something, being unaware or unwilling, all of these are in some measure part of me at some time or another. 

But, most importantly, there are always reasons for optimism, for being hopeful not just of the future, but for the present. If I had to define myself, I would choose to be a bridge for the ones I care about, from now into Then.

 

Two-Cents

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It's been said that Jannah is surrounded by obstacles and that which we would find hard to do. This is true. I cannot speak of the end of this journey, but I can describe something of the road leading to it. 

Jannah takes patience, endurance of harm and deficit, persistence in the khair of one's nature, stubborn refusal of one's darker calling,  and recurring awareness that the self will definitely, unquestionably, certainly be held accountable in front of Allah for all its actions and all its intents.

Part of my essence, my code, a defining quality of my being, is that I seek the good in a situation and try to leave the bad from it. This is pretty much always the case. The emotion I find does not fuel guilt because it is fuel for something else: my drive to see my vision, His gift to me, complete. My vision does not settle in this earthly life, it isn't satisfied with temporal/momentary pleasure or fulfillment, I want it all, completely, for EVER. As I know that one day death will come to me, I have to seek Eternity in the only place it can be found: akhirah. Every experience of mine is ultimately nothing more than fuel towards that end, for the bigger picture is what I chase, though I must live in the moment and try to not fail utterly at whatever He tries me with in the meantime.

If you can (and you must), collect and preserve the emotion from your mirror, use it to endure whatever escapes your grasp in this life, so that in the Next, you find hold of it in permanence. If this emotion allows you to accept difficult circumstances and remain steadfast, then consider it a gift from your Rabb, but if you find that it leads you into annihilation in self-satisfaction, then you have to take a few steps back and reflect. Among the things I've long been trying to do, with that emotion I tucked away in a time capsule, is to purify it, keep it free of my own personal selfishness and need, such that whenever it's brought to mind, its purpose becomes entirely the goal I seek at the end of my road, and not some half-way measure before then. 

Before Allah, I have no cover, no shield, no protection or help, no aid, no defense, no place or means of hiding, no recovery, and simply put, in front of Him, I have nothing. In my endeavor, if I had an inkling of ill intent to seek what He did not permit, He would seize me then and there. I write this because inshaAllah I want you to find something similar to it, a kind of awareness that becomes your eternal rope to Him in every circumstance. I will never stop being what I am, bi ithniAllah, and that includes my emotions and expressions, but maybe this also includes being a trial for you. But, it is possible to pass a trial with the aid from another trial. I know this for fact because that is precisely what it is for me: I could not ask for a more beautiful trial (you) in everything He's ever brought to me. Would I shun the potential gain (Eternity) for fear of what others may think or come to know? Absolutely not. The only outside concern that matters for me is what my Rabb thinks of me, and though my weaknesses are immense, there is a certain part of the soul that yearns to return to its Creator. I cannot deny this redirection towards Him, indeed, many times it's been the mechanism of His saving grace that kept me from falling completely into any number of darknesses. 

Ok, monologue aside. I am your mirror. Thus I would always have it be, iA. When you need to reflect, or recharge, or remember, then seek your reflection. There's only one direction I can point to, because it's the only place I want/need/have to go: up, way, way up...Firdaus.

Further along those rivers of milk and honey

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

this dream..

...like fine wine, getting better with age, reaching perfection in time, though not a drop yet tasted,..or like a gown made of lace, slowly unraveled, until it falls to the floor in grace, to show what's behind, the fullest of shapes,..or like a gourmet and its marinade, laid out full course, with all kinds of spice and sauce, sweets and pastries puffed, lining to the brim plates and things with cups, this the start of His gifts, of surfaces silky smooth, simply waiting for the touch. 

The Coronation

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 It had not been long since the Embrace, so his vision had not fully acclimated itself to seeing something other than her. He understood the reluctance of his senses to bring his gaze elsewhere, but he knew where they were headed. The sprawling entrance to their estate only served to heighten its grandeur, accentuating color splashed carefully in every intertwined manifestation of natural life and supple custom-made luxury, all arranged by the One Who owned all perfection. He had to admit, this was utterly gorgeous and better than any kind of opening scene appetizer he would have imagined. For no other reason than it might bring to her a smile, a rapturous cascade of laughter that none but he had privilege to witness. Soon thereafter a messenger arrived, immaculately-dressed, handing her an envelope after a most-courteous bow.

~

The level of surprise simply kept growing on her, there was no longer anything she could anticipate because everything thus far was so beyond her conception of 'extraordinary', her imagination was still catching up. The letter, now in her hand, spoke of an invitation to a regal event, to be attended by the most dignified of guests, notable not simply for name but known by the amazing quality of their deeds in the past life. These were the bravest, most loyal of souls to their Creator, seeking Him when none else would even think it. But it was so strange, what was the event for? There was no precise description listed, a curiosity building she could not contain. He knew she was bubbling to know, but the moment of its arrival would be picture-perfect if the surprise held. "Let's go and find out," he suggested, and so they set off. 

~

There was a stage, in the middle of a vast open field of grass, with tables for sitting and tables for serving, waiters deftly weaving through it all, delivering drinks and anything from the gourmet their guests desired. On the stage was a pair of thrones, one slightly grander and more elegant than the other. "What is this?" she asked, her question trailing away as she noticed more of the audience starting to look towards her. "This, is for you, my Muse." His reply began her heart racing as she noticed an ornate wooden box, and so put the pieces finally together. As he lead her up the stage, into a throne matching her grace, the expression on her face, this moment, he knew, was worth everything it took. As she sat with bated breath, he lifted open the treasure box to reveal a most magnificent crown, intricately laid with rubies and diamonds, set in lustrous gold effortlessly gleaming. As he placed it gently upon her head, the crown seemed to reflect every bit of light it found, and given an audience and setting as it had, it was as if the Sun itself had finally found the center of her galaxy. If he had to describe what made the moment so glorious, it was perhaps the blush on her cheeks, or the smile of lips he could not take his eyes away from, or the curls of her flowing raven hair, or the way her chest rose and fell so deeply, knowing as she did what the moment meant: this was a culmination of the Ages, this was what he had so long wished to see, the time where she became, a pillar of his world, in earnest as his Queen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One of the earliest precursors that helped define what I wanted to chase and why: my Hoor. Of every description of every reward that can be fathomed in akhirah, it was the Hoor that first struck a chord of longing and completion that seems so evasive in dunya. Here is a special creation of my Rabb's, made for me as much as I would exist to match it, as if every strand of our DNA was complementary of one another. Her eyes, perfectly contrasting, her bosom, my refuge, her skin, like coral and rubies in refinement, her shy nature, seeking to please in such a way that my wish for her to be as fulfilled only increases exponentially...all of these are just the parts I can grasp, for now. For every part of this life Muslims are not permitted, there is its equal and immensely-superior complement from Allah, reserved with Him when this test is something we are finished with. For every difficulty here, there is its pair in ease and rest and pleasure (all infinitely-magnified) in akhirah. 

In that Pinnacle I often reference, my Hoor are without measure, a uniqueness without compare to other creation. Perhaps the only singular question is: will I be able to meet them? The answer to this is the same as it ever was: if Allah so wills. These days I am often lost from my ocean, subsisting on some surface-level of awareness and emotion. I hate it, but if I cannot tolerate it and push towards boundaries, then my battle is lost, and, Allah-forbid, the war against the self/shayateen may be lost as well. In finding reasons to hold steady, of all His gifts, those Hoor are important as any. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

All is not fine, how can it be
Until you. me. us. we. One. Eternity

That pretty much sums it up for me. While everything might not be well as we'd like, still doesn't stop me from wanting to make it as good as it can be for you in the meantime. So much I want to know how you're truly doing, what ups and downs you face, what makes you cry and laugh. No matter what's going on with me, this desire to know never changes. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Of anything I could have dreamt, it had you in it. We're in a big stadium, good number people sitting at random distances away. At first you're sitting on the bleacher seat, maybe legs crossed, a bit hard for me to tell because I'm laying down to the side of you with my head and nose nestled next to your beautiful gluteal muscles, looking in the opposite direction (I think you face the center of the stadium, my gaze is in other direction). You're laughing because I coined a term, something like "moonside" or "moonslide", to describe the position my head adopted next to you. 

In the next frame, we're in the same place, you're laid back and reclining, kicking your legs up kind of chill, I'm sitting on a row right below so my arm is level enough to be your head/shoulder pillow. The moment is so amazing, I want to take a picture of it, but there's some annoying foreign-language app on my phone stopping me from opening it. You're joking a bit as I struggle to take the pic, kinda saying not to worry and don't take it, lots of people around, including your fam, and eventually I see the wisdom of that even though my stupid phone won't work.  And so the dream ends with you relaxed as could be, and something for me to remember. 

I have never, ever, been able to dream of you at-will. Those few treasures came and went, never in my control, no matter how much I was or wasn't feeling. That such a thing happens now, I can only just say Allah does what He wants, when He wants. Alhamdulillah.

Extinction

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

ain't half the man i claim to be, oh, for all the things i thought i saw, no one's blinder than is me. the gift a lump of coal, to be kept for all the years to come, swallowed whole, these pills more than simply bitter, like vomit to the soul. of beacons i've bled over and over again, thought there might more reflections waiting, but proven wrong instead. all i am is desolation, been so long i had something left to break, still there comes this moment life throws me up in its wake. oh Creator, take it all, its Yours, i despise it but You make me live, force these veins to pump what makes me tick, but spliced so often might as well as be a skeleton with flesh-clothed bones, walking and moving from home to work and work to home. not frozen or shattered, not broken or scattered, that part of me simply no longer exists, now just an echo of what once was, but no longer is. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

One who has been given so much, cannot complain when he is asked to give something in turn. The reality is that my Rabb's favors and gifts on me are immense, they do not end where my sight ends, but continue on and on and on. So what ails me now? That I find something missing in a mortal element of emotional meaning, resonance, and once again, that innate, pesky desire for balance is ignored, evaded by the realities of this life. waAllahi I have so much, not even counting the blessing of being allowed a goal in akhirah as utterly beyond my scope as it is. Though it has never been the act or detail of giving that bothers me, but always I have sought/intrinsically looked for the balance of a heart's worth given and thus a heart's worth received. My dunya does not share this ideal. I have to be OK without balance in this, if only because Allah tests me with it, perhaps to see if I will give as the situation asks of me, while knowing He is the One Who gave me everything I have and made me everything of worth that I am. How can I refuse Him? What says that of a slave that he'd complain of doing something asked of him, when his Rabb has given him infinitely more and asked for so little in turn? 

ya Rabb, let me succeed in this, and everything You would test me with, always, ameen.  

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Some things leave a person speechless. The utter lack of wisdom, foresight, moral and ethical centering, is unfathomable.

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-49036145 

Tampering with the natural growth of children, while offering it as a choice they could possibly have the mental capacity to comprehend the decision they would be making...where is the UK going with this? Where is mankind going? 

Ya Rabb, forgive us our mistakes and guide us back to You, easily and always, ameen.  

Self-observed

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Every emotion needs its container. Usually, this means the self, one's heart, that encapsulates most everything that is felt. However, this does not work for every kind of emotion. There are a few, typically such as love, that cannot be self-contained by some kinds of people.

Without a container, the emotion becomes so strong it overwhelms the person, and ideally the individual seeks some sort of outlet to avoid destroying the self. For years, writing is and has been an outlet for me, to release things that become too immense for being held inside. One instance of emotion was so deep, so strong, I could find nothing from this life to hold it. And so, I sought refuge with Allah, and gave Him that particular emotion. The hope is that He will tend to it, purifying it, growing it, teaching it, preparing it for me so that when the Day comes where His grace upon me comes full circle, I might be ready to accept one of His greatest gifts. This is what I chase, why I must refuse to let anything that happens here and now to hold me down, to hold me back from going forward. For me, the essence of survival is this dream, this tiny piece of the puzzle that has my Creator as its architect and salvation. 

I have to seek His perfection, because I know well how imperfect I myself am, because no ideal can ever materialize without having Him as its Originator. All of what is khair, just, beautiful, everlasting, fulfilling, complete, comes from Him. There is no other road, no other entity, that can approach this. I suppose this is tawhid of the fitrah in its simplest form; for an idealist to seek Allah, the One free from all imperfection, Possessor of every nobility and honor. But it goes a little beyond that, as seeking Him has even more reason. It is also because of what He's given, His blessings that have been with me since before I began. If I compare what He gave/has given, to what I show in return, there is no comparison, nothing of equal worth I've ever shown. The quality of His favors is like the wealth of a universe overshadowing a pomegranate seed(me). As I can never repay anything of what He gives, His ownership of me is realized as complete because of how inescapably He surrounds my creation, my sustenance. What other position is more natural, more rightful, than for a created one to submit to his Creator?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

In the all time I've lived, no one has ever wished me "the best of khair in life", except you. What an amazing thing to say, as 'khair' already by itself refers to the best or 'better than (anything else)'. But then, to add another word on top, as if to say, "the best of the best".....what could I say to something so beautiful? Such a wish of good for someone is transcendent, beyond human faculty to grasp. 

Unsurprisingly, the essence of the phrase matches precisely the End of the road I seek, and also a bit of the company I would have then, if my Rabb permits. I suppose most people need a goal here on this earth to give their actions purpose and meaning, but for me it was the other way around: it was the founding of a goal in akhirah that gave me substance and grounding, able to continue walking even past the point I didn't think I could go beyond. He willed it so, His aid and support continued, and thus I went onward, reaching for my destiny: a place I do not yet know but long to find nonetheless. 

I don't quite know how the things I write affect you sometimes, if their impact is wiser or not, better or worse for your state; just in case it is the latter, please forgive me for it. Allah knows, if I could have my way, my Muse would spark me endlessly and I would revel in its glow. For sure there is a wisdom in His restraint and redirection of things, so balance is kept and focus is not lost. Sometimes I wish I could simply get a glimpse inside of you again, subhanAllah what moments those were in this life...unforgettable, like living, breathing fireworks that grew brighter and more expansive with time. InshaAllah, sooner or later, I look forward to that, for ever and always. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 like a grape that became a raisin, so this life has felt to me, always drying out, withering, surrounded by desert while dreaming of oceans and springs to drink from. my Gift is my Gift, barriers aplenty exist, like saltwater with fresh, though peace through them all i try to retain, from my self something decent to give. in her presence i'm more human than machine or self-thought menace, more relieved and released, though she may not see an inch past my surface, i wouldn't trade away my present or my destiny, even for all the world or the universe and everything within, content with what He gave and the End i'm long chasing, a Pinnacle of Peaks that runs circles around anything mortals might fathom or scheme, it's heavenly in nature but raised to the power of perfection, with His pleasure imbued like a lamp is endowed with a multitude of suns, raising its luminescence far beyond anything even remotely measurable, for the seeker an infinite enlightenment. far too often this dunya is my cage, my prison, a restraint on my vision, cloudy to hope, trying to contain me within its prism, but some moments come, like raindrops on cloudless days, where it's easy as pie to reach out with a fork or a knife, and slice out meaning from things thought died, becoming a CPR apparatus for the self and beloved, giving the beating back their life. some time far off, some place deep inside, the Moon, the Mirror, wherein resides a muse to uplift what's too long been weighted, a warmth to vivify the parts of me grown cold, abated, so i might be able and return the favor, reflect back to her the light we've longed to savor, a Rose immortal, growing in a bed of this life's toil and danger.

let breath come slowly, at ease, the pathway is not built with haste or friction, but in patience and contently being, wherever the moment alights, remember Him, for if ever we need refuge, He is all that there is.